Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  Ethan leaned forward and shrugged. “I’m not sure what you want me to say, Al. It sounds like the kid is in a bad way—”

  Alec interrupted, muttering, “He’s not a kid. He’s older than me.”

  Ethan breathed hard in frustration and continued, “Okay. The guy is in a bad way and I’d be happy to talk to him if that’s what you want. But he has to want it first. You know this.”

  Alec let his head drop down and his hands run up through his hair, and then drawing in a deep breath, sat back. “I know. I do. I thought maybe—” He looked up sheepishly at Ethan and paused. Ethan raised an eyebrow and waited. Alec sighed and said, “I thought maybe if he came this afternoon—?”

  “This afternoon?” Ethan was more than surprised but before he could go on a voice popped up from behind Alec.

  “What about this afternoon?” Kate asked, shuffling in from the lounge and making a beeline for Alec. As usual, she was dressed down for the weekend in an over-sized t-shirt and pajama pants that were way too long. And what with the mess of auburn curls falling down to her shoulders, it was hard to get a good look at her at all.

  “Alec has found a lost soul of his very own.” Ethan smirked. Kate nodded, sleepily, as she came padding up behind Alec, placed her hands on his shoulders and kissed him on the head. “Well, then he should bring him this afternoon, another log for the fire! Although—” She stopped in her tracks and screwed up her face. “Jesus Christ, what is in your hair?”

  She wiped at her mouth as Alec patted at his cowlick back into place. “ It’s just hair wax, Kate. You’re not supposed to lick it. And I gotta look good for your hubby, now don’t I? And please will you stop with the fire analogy. It weirds me out.”

  Kate went to the sink and grabbed the towel, rubbing hard at her mouth in between saying, “You want me to go back to the ‘drinking the Kool-Aid’ thing?” She threw the cloth to the side and walked over to Ethan, slipping easily into his lap, laying one arm over his shoulder, and pointedly said, “And we are not married!”

  Alec looked at them. Ethan was all smiles, the lines of his face soft and loving as he looked up at Kate, her curls brushing against Ethan’s cheek as she slotted perfectly against him, still sleepy but glowing and happy.

  Alec laughed. “Yeah, you are! Just without the paperwork.” He stood and pulled his jacket from the back of his chair, bunching it in one hand as he walked away. “I’ll see you later.”

  “Al?” Ethan called after him. Alec turned with his hand on the door. Ethan paused a moment longer before he said, “Are you sure about this?”

  Alec smiled and shook his head, “No. But I—I can’t let it go. Y’know?”

  Ethan smiled and nodded and watched the door close behind Alec.

  “Baby? What is it?” Kate cupped Ethan’s jaw with her hand and tilted his eyes up to hers.

  He smiled sadly. “Nothing. Probably nothing. I don’t know. Just the way he was talking—” He took her hand from his jaw, kissed her knuckles and buried his head in her neck, “I’m probably wrong.”

  Kate smiled and pulled him tight against her and whispered in his ear, “Maybe. But how often does that really happen?”

  <•••>

  Thirty minutes later, Alec was standing at the door of Alicia and Jack’s house, feeling horribly exposed in the daylight, wondering whether he should knock.

  He had already rung the bell, but he hadn’t heard it sound inside. Waiting was making his head spin how long was it polite to wait before trying again and what if the bell wasn’t actually working so maybe he should press it again but harder but then again maybe knocking would be best. Alec took a breath and knocked three times on the door, and it immediately swung open. The shock made him take a half step back, breath caught in his throat.

  Jack was standing there in the jeans he’d fallen asleep in last night and nothing else, squinting into the sunlight through the lank hair falling over his eyes, bare-chested and bracing himself between the open door and its frame, a piece of notepaper crumpled in one fist.

  “I heard you the first time,” he croaked and then seemed to flush a little when he recognized Alec. “Oh. It’s you.”

  Alec smiled slightly and tried to keep his eyes on Jack’s. “Um—Hi.”

  “Allie’s not here. She had to work today,” Jack said, his voice still ragged.

  Alec smiled. “I know,” he said, “I came to see you.”

  Jack frowned, but his arms relaxed and he huffed out a non-committal, “Huh,” as he turned and walked back into the house, leaving the door wide open.

  Alec raised his eyebrows, mouthed ‘Okaaay!’ to himself and went in, shutting the door behind him. He followed Jack to the kitchen and found him filling the coffee pot with water and yawning.

  As Alec walked through the door, Jack put the pot on the countertop and leaned back next to it, rubbing a hand over his face and saying, “Look, man. I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t know that she’d drag you into this and I’m sorry I ruined your evening. It’s completely reasonable that you want to tear me a new one, but please don’t think badly of Allie. She was just looking out for me.”

  He sounded weary but so sincere and anxious. Alec smiled softly and walked over to the kitchen table. “This isn’t—I didn’t come here for that. This isn’t that.”

  Jack opened his mouth to speak but shut it again. He looked truly confused. He folded his arms across his chest. “It’s not?” Alec smirked and shook his head. Jack went on, “So what is it then?”

  Alec placed the carton of orange juice that was sticking out of his jacket pocket on the table and added a bottle of Advil that he pulled from his jeans. He slung his jacket on the back of one of the chairs and walked over to the coffee pot. “Well, you start with those and I’ll make some coffee. You really don’t look like you should be operating any heavy machinery right now.”

  Jack eyed him suspiciously but pushed away from the counter as soon as Alec got close, and settled himself at the table.

  By the time Alec sat down with the coffees, Jack had managed to pull on a t-shirt from the pile of clean laundry on the chair next to him. He had demolished the juice, drinking it straight from the carton in three impressive gulps and was looking a little less wretched. Alec wasn’t quite sure what to do now he was actually here, so he asked, “Did you speak to Allie this morning?”

  Jack smiled. “Not exactly.” He reached up and back to the kitchen counter behind him. Alec tried and failed to keep his eyes on the mug in his hands but thankfully was able to stop himself from audibly gasping at the sight of Jack’s muscular torso stretching out, the cut of his hip visible through a window between the hem of the t-shirt and his jeans. Alec tried to shake away the fascination with Jack’s body. It didn’t make any sense that he should be thinking about Jack like that. It wasn’t like he hadn’t noticed men before. But goddammit, he wanted to reach out and run his fingers across that glimpse of flesh and strength of it was definitely new.

  Jack grabbed the piece of notepaper from the counter and held it out for Alec. “She taped this to my forehead before she left. She only does that when she wants to make doubly sure I know she’s pissed off.”

  Alec took the note and started to read and wasn’t sure how anyone could interpret the verbal assault any other way. He started to think he might blush. He put his finger on a word and held it out to Jack, saying, “I think she spelled ‘colonoscopy’ wrong?”

  Jack leaned in to take a look, and smiled. “No. That’s just her god-awful handwriting. I keep telling her she should’ve trained to be a doctor, not a nurse.”

  “Why didn’t she?” Alec asked, laying the note face down.

  “Money. Time. Mostly money. Besides, she’s good at her job. I think she’s more about the people. She says being a doctor is more about the disease.”

  Alec nodded and clasped his hands around his coffee mug, even though the heat was almost too much against his skin. His mind was desperately scrabbling around for something to say,
some way to bring up the subject without sounding like a complete tool. But then Jack spoke, saving him the trouble. “So are you my one-man intervention, then?” He was smiling as he said it but his eyes looked terrified.

  Alec didn’t look up. He shrugged slightly. “Something like that, yeah.”

  Jack huffed out a laugh and shifted in his seat. The move was open but defensive at the same time. Alec wasn’t sure exactly how to begin even though he’d been over this in his head enough times. In the end he took a deep breath, and just started talking.

  “Look, I know we only met last night but Allie told me a bit about what’s been going on with you,” Jack shifted again and for a second Alec thought that he might make a run for it, so he kept going and hoped for the best, “I have this friend. He’s been through some similar stuff, and more, and I thought it might help you. To talk to him.” Jack didn’t move or speak and was barely breathing. “He’s a good guy. You’ll like him.”

  Jack’s jaw was tense, his fingers white knuckled on his mug. Alec waited. He was expecting resistance, outrage, utter indignation or denial. He really didn’t expect Jack to keep his head down and say in a voice so small he couldn’t imagine it coming out of such a big guy, “Why?” Alec shook his head, not quite grasping what Jack meant. Jack let his eyes flick up and then back to his coffee. “Why would you do that? Why would he do that?” Jack’s voice was still so quiet Alec could hardly hear him.

  And all he could think of was Jack’s small, sad voice the night before - don’t hate me - and the way his skin had burned when they touched. He had to clear his throat before he could speak. “Because he’s been there. We all have in one way or another. And—” Alec sighed and looked up at Jack finally, “And what you said to me last night—I think maybe you’ve had enough.”

  Jack sat back in his chair, rubbing the flat of his palm over his mouth, the flesh around his eyes pinking. Then he nodded and his voice cracking. “So, did Allie put you up to this?”

  Alec laughed. “No. No, she did not.” He met Jack’s stare with pleading eyes.” And I was hoping we could keep it between us? For now.”

  Jack watched him for a moment, and then laughed, loud and full. “Oh man! You make it sound like you’re trying to lure me into the back of a minivan with the promise of puppies, or something!” Alec smiled and tried to think of something smart to say but hearing Jack laugh like that completely threw him, so he just kept smiling, especially when Jack shook his head and said, “Okay. Okay, I’ll talk to your friend. I don’t know what good it’ll do. But okay.”

  Alec sat up and stared, struck dumb for a moment. He’d expected a struggle, having to cajole or beg or something. “That’s—that’s awesome! Okay then. Well, let’s get you cleaned up. And food. You should eat. Actually, I should eat. We can get something on the way, maybe.”

  Jack’s eyes opened wide in surprise. “Now! You wanna go now?” He suddenly looked pale again.

  Alec nodded. “Why wait? Better not to have time to talk yourself out of it. And besides, did you really have plans for today?”

  Jack scowled at him and pushed himself out of the chair, muttering, “Not exactly.”

  Two minutes later, Alec sipped his coffee and smiled as he heard the sound of the shower snap on upstairs. He was feeling pretty pleased with himself, running over the events of the morning. Until he found himself thinking about Jack pushing his black jeans down over his hips, stepping naked under the flow of steaming water, just a few feet away in the room above his head, and it wiped the smile right back off his face.

  Chapter Seven

  Jack looked a damn sight better when he came back downstairs. A damn sight better. Alec tried to keep his eyes on the floor, but his attention kept being caught on where Jack’s wet hair had dripped a row of damp spots onto the back of his tight, grey Henley. Jack didn’t even seem to notice them as he moved briskly around the place, searching for his wallet and keys before stuffing them into the pockets of his fresh black jeans. But something about them made Alec stare.

  He also was having some additional thoughts on how Jack smelt a whole lot better than when he’d first opened the door. Citrus and fresh but still with a musky—something, that must be pure Jack. Alec cursed himself under his breath and tried not to think about the fact that he could really do with a drink. Finally, when Jack was ready, Alec thrust a bottle of water into his hand and they headed out into the day without saying a word.

  They took Alec’s car and drove in silence, Alec trying to keep his focus on the road and not the long legs fidgeting in the seat next to him. They ended up taking turns to talk awkwardly about nothing, trying to fill the uncomfortable moments with small talk; Alec kept trying to keep Jack’s mind and questions away from what they were doing and where they were going, for fear that too much reality might scare Jack away.

  So, Alec kept asking questions as he drove, and thankfully Jack reciprocated. Through the stilted Q and A, they discovered that Jack was almost two years older, and that they had both grown up in Lubbock although they attended different schools. They went to the same swimming club as kids but on different days and had hung out in pretty much the same parks and stores and bars, but never at the same time or with the same people.

  Jack had just managed to scrape through a degree in English and History at Texas Tech, and although his original plan was to teach, he had ended up working as a mechanic at his friend’s garage. He didn’t hate it—he had a natural aptitude for anything mechanical—but he didn’t love it either.

  When Alec asked whether he ever thought about going back to college to get his teaching qualifications, Jack got quiet and mumbled, “Not for a long time,” in a way that made Alec want to press the point but he filed the question away for later.

  They grabbed a sandwich at Blake’s Diner, and Jack managed to make the waitress that usually fawned over Alec forget that he even existed. It amused Alec as far as the daggers of jealousy in his gut would allow. He wasn’t sure which irked him more, the fact that she normally only ever had eyes for him, or the fact that Jack lapped up her attention. He was beaming at her, dimples and all, casually touching and being so sweet. By the time she brought the check, she was bright red and about ready to whip her panties off right there at their table.

  “You should have gotten her number.” Alec had to force the words out, hoping they didn’t sound too bitter through his clenched teeth, as they walked away from the diner.

  Jack shrugged, oblivious to Alec’s green eyes, and brushed some imaginary crumbs from the front of his shirt. “Nah. Not my type.”

  Alec huffed out a bitter laugh and muttered, “Could have fooled me,” under his breath.

  Jack frowned at him as they crossed the street but didn’t say anything. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets, and finally got around to asking the big question. “So where are we meeting this friend of yours?”

  Alec gestured in front of them, and tried to sound as casual as possible. “Just down here.” He could feel his heart start to quicken and wondered a little late if he’d made a horrible mistake.

  They turned down the side street and he could see Ethan out on the sidewalk smoking, leaned up against the wall, talking to Kate. She spotted the two of them coming and waved to Alec before heading off into the red brick building.

  Jack looked worried, but tried to joke it off. “Oh god, you’re not taking me to church are you? Is this a cult thing?”

  Alec laughed. “No! No, not exactly.”

  Jack kept walking but sounded worried as he hunched forward and hissed out, “What do you mean, not exactly?” but by then they had reached the place where Ethan was waiting.

  Ethan straightened and held out his hand. “You must be Jack. Nice to meet you, man. And well done for showing up today. We all know the first time isn’t easy so just remember this is a safe place for you to talk, if you wanna talk.” Jack looked very confused but shook his hand anyway and smiled. Ethan clapped Alec on the shoulder and said, “See you in t
here,” before heading off into the parking lot.

  Jack turned and glared at Alec. “I’m assuming that was the guy, but what the hell is he talking about?”

  Alec did a poor imitation of a laugh, swallowed and shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. “That’s Ethan. You can talk to him if you want—or—or you could talk to me. And as for what he was saying—I may have omitted some stuff.” Jack frowned and folded his arms across his chest but didn’t speak. Alec cleared his throat and continued, “There’s a meeting here, every afternoon. It’s just a place to come and talk and—”

  “What do you mean, I could talk to you?” Jack interrupted.

  Alec shuffled his feet uncomfortably, then looked Jack in the eye, rubbing a hand across his mouth before straightening up and saying in a firm and clear voice, “Hi. My name is Alec. And I’m an addict.”

  The look of shock on Jack’s face had Alec thinking Jack wouldn’t be coming into the meeting after all. And probably wouldn’t be speaking to him again either.

  “You’re a what now?”

  “Jack, please—”

  “Oh my God! Is this—are you—are you dragging me to an AA meeting? What the hell! Who’s stupid idea was this?”

  “Jack, look—” Alec took a step towards him. Jack held up his hands and started to back away, so Alec did the same, saying, “Okay, don’t freak out. It’s not AA, not exactly. It’s a support group for addicts. Of all kinds. It’s really informal, just run by a couple of guys that—Look, the point is, its here if you need it. I’m here. Ethan too—” He sighed and shook his head, sounding defeated. “I can’t make you go in there. And actually I don’t want to make you do anything. You need to want to do it for yourself.”

  Alec paused. He could see Jack was beginning to soften. He looked more scared now than angry, so Alec kept talking. “But y’know, you’ve come this far. If you did decide to come in, you can just watch, check it out, see if you think it’s for you. No one’s going to make you stand up and tell your life story or anything. You can sit and drink terrible coffee and just listen.”