Stumble Forward

by Alex Jane

  Alec stopped, trying to gauge Jack’s reaction. He’d never done this before, tried to help, at least not like this. He started trying to remember the kinds of things Ethan said to him when he was new to the program. Ethan always seemed to have the right words at the right time. But Alec wasn’t Ethan. Alec was more than capable of screwing up, and at that moment, he felt he needed more than anything to get this right.

  Jack looked like he wanted to say something but seemed frozen, his scared eyes fixed on the ground at Alec’s feet. Alec took a chance and waited it out, even though the silence was awful. It paid off when Jack asked quietly, “So you go here?”

  “Yes.”

  “Every day?”

  Alec sighed and rubbed at his jaw. “Yes. Well, usually. Sometimes you can’t help but miss a day. There’s another meeting over on St. James’ in the mornings so sometimes I go to that. Some days I’ve done both.” Jack raised his eyebrows and looked Alec straight in the eye. Alec smiled weakly and shrugged. “Gotta do whatever it takes.”

  Jack looked away and shoved his hands in his pockets. Alec thought he might fall down; he suddenly turned pale and seemed almost fragile. Alec realized that his grand plan was looking more and more like it was going to backfire, causing more harm than good.

  “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.” He put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Why don’t I take you back home—?”

  “Did it—does it help?” Jack interrupted.

  “Yeah.” Alec nodded slow and sincere. “It’s still not easy. But yeah.”

  Jack took a deep breath. The skin around his eyes reddened and Alec could feel him fighting to keep his composure. It took him a minute but then he nodded. “Well, we better get in there then.”

  Jack sat still and silent the whole meeting.

  When they had first wandered in, Alec taking the lead but with Jack close behind, Alec had taken it slow, and casually introduced Jack to a couple of people. Steven, of course, had bounded over and given him the spiel that he gave all the first-timers and Jack had nodded and shook his hand with barely a word escaping his lips.

  Jack had sat, listening attentively to everyone who had stood and told their story, the tension bleeding out of his shoulders as the meeting went on. When Steven had asked if anyone else wanted to introduce themselves to the group, Jack had looked like he was trying to melt into the plastic chair, but Steven had just smiled at him and not pressed the issue.

  When everyone was milling around chatting and saying goodbyes, Jack stayed close by as Alec made conversation with a couple of people that urgently needed to talk to him about things that he couldn’t have cared less about. Then he spoke briefly to Ethan and Kate, before getting Jack’s attention and steering him out of there.

  Through the whole hour, Alec had wanted to reach out and touch Jack. Needed to have a point of contact with him. On his shoulder or back or— for God’s sake— to hold his hand, just so that Jack would know that he was okay. So he would know he wasn’t alone.

  Alec had suggested going to a coffee shop after the meeting but Jack looked like he thought he might suffocate. He needed air. Needed space. They walked in silence to a small park a couple of blocks away, getting coffee from a street vendor on their way in and had found an empty bench to sit on; Alec let Jack catch a breath, while Alec held his.

  Jack picked at the rim of his paper coffee cup.

  Alec was trying to give him space so he kept his eyes on the hustle and bustle of the Sunday afternoon footfall in the park.

  The sun was shining; leaving large dappled shadows underneath the plentiful trees. The bird song would make it tranquil and pleasant if it weren’t for half of Lubbock having seemly turned out for a stroll. Moms with strollers, deep in conversation with each other as the whirlwind of tots encircled them, the blood curdling screams from the playground drawing kids to it, teens throwing a ball or Frisbee, cyclists weaving between them and dodging dog walkers with enthusiastic sniffers on long extendable leads.

  Jack and Alec sat motionless and silent on their bench at the center, letting it all happen around them.

  It seemed the longer Jack was silent, the more Alec wanted to reach out to him. But he didn’t. He just sat, looking out into the sunlight and watched the world go by, waiting. The minutes dragged on until Alec was sure he would burst something if he had to keep still or silent any longer. Thankfully, he didn’t have to.

  “So. Is it like that every time?”

  Alec took a deep breath and relaxed back against the bench. He let himself glance over at Jack, who was leaning forward, resting his elbows on his open knees and still worrying his paper cup. Alec shrugged. “More or less. Sometimes it gets quite heated. Sometimes sad. And there’s this one guy—if he’s there, we all end up laughing our asses off at some point. But yeah, pretty much the same.”

  Jack straightened his back, only to slump against the back of the bench, mirroring Alec, the lines of their bodies so close they were almost touching.

  The proximity did something to Alec’s lungs that had him struggling to breathe for a second, and he tried to cover it up by asking, “So what did you think?”

  Jack shrugged and shook his head. “I don’t know. It wasn’t how I thought it would be. Everyone seems really nice. Normal, even. Although, what’s with Steven’s sweater vest?”

  Alec laughed. Today’s effort was particularly lurid. Lime green wasn’t the worst he’d seen Steven in but it brought out an especially sickly tone in his skin that did nothing for him. “His wife makes them. Knits them or whatever. Sometimes I think it’s a punishment.”

  Jack laughed. “For him or us?”

  Alec snickered. “Good point. She makes up for it with the cookies.”

  Jack smiled. That was the one part of the meeting he’d participated in with gusto. “Hell, yes. Would it be bad if I came back just for the snacks?”

  Alec turned his head to look at Jack and was surprised how close they were, how perilously close the skin on Jack’s neck was to his mouth. His tongue dipped out and wet his lips. “So you’ll come back?”

  Jack turned and looked into Alec’s eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I think so. If you’ll have me. Would you? Have me?”

  Alec wasn’t sure what was worse, the timbre of Jack’s voice or the fact that he imagined he could feel the ghost of his breath over his lips. He swallowed and croaked out, “Tomorrow? I can come pick you up if you want. Walk in with you?”

  Jack watched Alec’s mouth when he spoke. Jack raised a hand to his own, laying the palm flat over it and wiped it down over his chin. He smiled briefly, and then looked back down at his hands, a hint of regret in his tone. “I have to work tomorrow,” he paused long enough for a wave of disappointment to crash over Alec but then continued, “but I think Mike will let me take the time out if I make it up at the end of the day. You could always pick me up from there. If you wanted?”

  Those last words were so unsure, like he was asking for something unimaginable, rather than something Alec was desperate to give. Alec smiled and nodded. They sat in silence for a moment until Jack asked, “I’m assuming by the way you still have all your limbs that you haven’t told my sister about this?”

  The question made Alec squirm a little, and stutter a lot. “I am. I will. I keep meaning to and then stuff comes up, but I will—”

  “Don’t.” Jack interrupted, “Just—I wouldn’t. Not yet. You can’t spring stuff like this on her. You’ll need to ease her into something like this otherwise she’ll blow up. And that’s never pretty. I’ll tell her that I went, that I’m going to the meetings but I’ll say it’s with a friend of yours. How about that? It’s not a lie even. Ethan will be there, right?”

  Alec scrubbed both hands over his face and sighed. He wasn’t sure about not telling Alicia but he was even less sure about confessing all, so he nodded and said, “Okay. If you think it’s best.”

  Jack smiled. “I do. Are you hungry? I’m hungry.” He threw his paper cup into the trash, patted Alec’s k
nee twice and then hauled himself up, turning to face Alec.

  Alec huffed out a sharp breath. His hand ran forward, unconsciously skimming his knee where the echo of Jack’s palm lingered, as he looked up, smiling. “Starving.”

  Chapter Eight

  Jack came through the front door about six-thirty.

  Alicia called out, “You’re back early,” from the lounge, and when he walked in he didn’t seem surprised to see Alec sprawled out on the couch, one arm around Alicia, the other holding her yearbook in his lap while she curled up next to him.

  Alec was already smiling, the story about her tenth grade English teacher was going to stick with him for a while, but when he saw Jack, he couldn’t stop his smile from getting even wider. Seeing his oil stained hands, dark patches beneath his armpits, dusty blue jeans and bangs sticking to his face, Alec suddenly felt hot and dirty all over too.

  It was disconcerting, the effect that Jack was having on him. Somewhere deep down in his gut, the thought of Jack’s hands, his skin, his mouth all triggered something that Alec couldn’t rationalize. It made no sense. It wasn’t like him to feel like this. He enjoyed being around Jack, like he did with plenty of other people but it always felt so urgent. He admired him physically, but that was hardly surprising. No matter how hard Alec worked in the gym, he was never going to look like that. Somewhere along the line, Alec had put it down to wanting to make the extra effort as he was Allie’s brother, and left it at that. Even if a nagging part of him knew it wasn’t true. But fortunately that part was easy to ignore.

  Jack smiled, dimples flashing in Alec’s direction. “Got let out early. Good behavior. Not interrupting, am I?”

  Alec laughed and shook his head. “No. We were thinking about eating. You wanna join us?”

  Jack raised his eyebrows, looked to Alicia, who just shrugged, but then he frowned, “Well, I guess it depends what you’re having. If it’s anything from that crappy Japanese place, then I don’t.”

  Alicia unfolded her legs and pushed up off the couch saying, “Pizza. From the new place. Alec says it’s pretty good.”

  “Are you paying?”

  Alicia laughed and nodded. “Yes, and I’m gonna head over there to collect. I promised Sarah I’d drop her books back to her before her shift starts. That is if you boys think that you can get along while I’m out?” She raised her eyebrows pointedly at them.

  They both made matching innocent faces, before Jack said, “Oh, I think we’ll find something to do while you’re gone.” For a second, Alec thought he was having a heart attack, and had to surreptitiously press his hand over his pounding chest.

  Alicia didn’t notice anything odd—so maybe there isn’t anything odd to notice—and wandered towards the kitchen. “Good. And when I get back you can tell me all about this mysterious friend who whisks my brother away every afternoon.”

  Alec felt all the air leave his body, and looked desperately at Jack.

  Jack shook his head slightly to reassure him. “Come on, Allie. The clue’s in the name. Anonymous, remember.”

  Alicia scoffed, “I know, I know. It would just be nice to know what kind of person you’re hanging out with, is all.”

  Jack looked toward Alec, smiling as he answered her, “He’s a nice guy. I really like him.”

  Alec could feel the heat in his skin and prayed to God he wasn’t turning as red as he felt.

  Alicia walked back in the room shaking her head. “Well, he can’t be all that nice if he’s an addict, can he?” She didn’t realize quite how bad it sounded until she looked up and saw Jack’s face, the hurt and rage spreading over it.

  He threw his jacket down onto the chair as hard as he could, spat out, “Well, it’s good to know how you feel, Allie. Thanks a fucking lot. I’m gonna take a shower.” He stormed off up the stairs, taking them two at a time, not looking back when Alicia called after him. The bathroom door slammed so hard it made the front door rattle in its frame. She sighed and turned to Alec. “I’m sorry about that.”

  Alec shook his head and sat up. “Don’t apologize to me.”

  She raised her eyebrows at him. “Oh, come on, he knows I didn’t mean it like that!”

  Alec shook his head. “I wouldn’t bet on that.”

  He felt like he wanted to say more, to tell her that it didn’t matter what she meant, it was what she had said; that she needed to be easier on Jack, that he was trying so hard, that it was difficult and he was amazing and why couldn’t she be a little kinder to him. But then he would be taking Jack’s side, favoring him over the girl he was sort of dating and somehow he felt something secret wouldn’t be secret any longer.

  So, he just shrugged.

  Jack thumped down the stairs about two seconds after the front door closed behind Alicia. Alec wondered how long he’d been waiting at the top for her to leave. His hair swung in thick damp clumps, smearing wet onto his neck and the collar of his too-tight white t-shirt. Alec wondered if he wore everything so tight on purpose or if he actually needed to get some larger clothes. Not that Alec found it a distraction or anything.

  Jack scuffed his bare feet across the carpet and dropped down onto the couch next to Alec—who had been amusing himself answering emails on his smartphone—and stared into his lap. He waited for Alec to finish up and switch his phone off before he mumbled, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

  Alec’s hand interrupted him. Somehow, of its own volition, it had reached out and wrapped itself around Jack’s bare forearm. His skin still felt damp from the shower and so warm. Alec knew he shouldn’t let it linger there but he couldn’t seem to find the connection between his brain and his fingers to compel them to let go. “You don’t need to do that. Really—” He brought his eyes up and they met Jack’s, full of vulnerability but with something else lingering just beneath the surface. Finally, Alec got his hand to move and sat back. “But you know she didn’t mean it, right?”

  Jack stared at him. Then shaking his head, he took a long breath and looked away. His hand absently brushed over the place when Alec’s had just been. “I know she thinks she didn’t mean it but she does. She can’t separate what people do from who people are.”

  “Is that why you think I shouldn’t tell her? Because eventually I’m going to have to tell her and she’s going to find out all that stuff about me, about the meetings, and that we lied to her on top of it all.” Alec shook his head. “It’s not good, Jack.”

  Jack nodded. “I know. I’ll fix it, I will.” He shifted to face Alec and said, “I did think about telling her a bit about Ethan but I wasn’t sure what he would think about that—or what you would think.”

  “Why don’t you ask him?”

  Jack nodded and looked at his hands again.

  Alec knew why he didn’t want to.

  Ever since Ethan had stood up on the anniversary of his daughter’s death and talked about how hard it was, remembering the good times, let alone dealing with the guilt, despite him having nothing to feel guilty about; Jack had seemed scared to talk to him.

  He’d known that something had happened to Ethan, something bad enough to tip his heavy social drinking into something unmanageable, that he’d lost his job, his wife, his everything, before he’d hit rock bottom.

  And Jack knew too how Ethan had fought his way back, that it had been a long, hard climb before he met Kate, and she became the final piece of the puzzle that gave him the strength to stay out of the depths.

  But for some reason, knowing why—hearing it like that, so honest and raw—had shaken Jack. Alec had tried to talk to him about it but all Jack would say was, “He had every reason and I don’t.”

  Alec tried to formulate an opening in his head, a way to get Jack to open up about it this time as they’d come so close to talking about it, but Jack turned to him and smiled softly, his eyes glinting.

  Alec frowned. “What?”

  Jack shrugged. “Nothing. I like this shirt, where’d you get it?” He reached out a hand and took the back of Alec’s
collar between his thumb and forefinger, running them down to the front, feeling the fabric, his knuckles grazing over Alec’s collarbone.

  Alec couldn’t breath and didn’t even try to move. It didn’t feel wrong despite how out of the ordinary it felt, and he managed to mumble, “I don’t—I don’t remember.”

  Jack smiled and hmmm’d, and then letting go, glanced over towards the games console under the TV. “Fancy a game while we wait?”

  Alec huffed out a laugh, not entirely sure what had just happened but nodded and said, “Sure, though it’s been a while.”

  Jack slapped Alec’s leg and slid off the couch. “Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle with you. Well, just this once.”

  And Alec’s heart started pounding all over again.

  Chapter Nine

  Two weeks later, Alec rounded the corner that brought the church into sight and he felt his chest hitch in anticipation.

  He still wasn’t sure what the excitement he felt meant exactly, or rather he tried his best not to think about it for any more time than it took to push the question out of his mind. The way his heart pounded or his skin tingled or the air got crushed out of his lungs at seemingly random moments. Except he knew damn well they weren’t random.

  He heard Jack before he saw him; that laugh, long and full, coming right out of the depths of him, made Alec flush, and walk a little quicker.

  He’d seen Jack every day since dragging him to that first meeting a couple of months before, meeting him at work, walking to the meetings, sometimes grabbing a quick lunch together after, before walking him back to the workshop. And Alec had been spending more and more time at their place, seeing Alicia as often as her shifts at the hospital would allow, so inevitably seeing Jack there. He’d have coffee with him while waiting for Alicia to get home or get ready for a date; bringing takeout so all three of them could watch a movie together. He was sort of getting used to the sensation.