by Britt Morgan
“I can’t.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “That’s all there is left of him, Ava. If I read it, that’s the end. That’s it. It’s over.” I didn’t realize my tone had taken on that of a high-pitched freak-out until Jay reached for my hands and held them steady.
“Calm down,” he said. “We don’t have to do it tonight.”
“I can’t.” Tears welled in my eyes as I stared at Jay. My heart was racing, chest tight like I was on the verge of a heart attack. “I can’t do it. I can’t read the last thing of Carter I have.” Jay pulled me into his arms, hugging me tight. I could feel his heart beating against my cheek, but it didn’t soothe me.
“I think this is just what you need,” Jay murmured in my ear. “And we’ll be here to hold you up.”
Chapter 41
October—my favorite month. It had been seven months today. Seven months since Carter’s death. Seven months of pain and turmoil, strength and friends and family. The cemetery was empty, but beautiful. Peaceful. The leaves were crisp and colorful, paving our way to the headstones. Ty waited back at the car, leaned back against the door, his arms folded as he watched us walk. He smiled, encouraging. I loved his smile.
“It only seems right to do it here.” I lowered myself to the ground, ignoring the feel of the wet grass and crisp leaves against my Levi’s. Ava sat down next to me, and Jay did the same on the other side. In front of us was the marble headstone, Carter’s name engraved in the rock along with a sketch of an angel, looking up towards the heavens. I opened the journal, flipping it to the very last page, and then reached out and rested my hand on the cold stone. My hands trembled and a lump rose in my throat.
“Let’s read it one by one, in silence,” suggested Jay. “I’ll go first.” I nodded and handed the book over to him, my eyes trained on the grave in front of us. I was trying not to cry, but I wasn’t sure I would be successful. Beside me, he was reading to himself, his expression perfectly masked with no display of emotion. I pushed back the tears fighting to escape and took a deep breath. The silence was soothing, peaceful. Somewhere overhead, an owl hooted. I leaned into Ava, and she put one arm around me. A moment later, Jay handed me the journal. It felt oddly heavy in my hands, a reminder of everything that was no more. I closed my eyes to compose myself, took a calming breath, and looked down to read the last page, a page that was dated the night of his death.
Epilogue
March 31, 2018
I’m not doing this to hurt anybody. I’m not doing this to be bitter or angry or deceitful. I’m doing this because I want to. No, I need to. I’m doing this because if I didn’t, I don’t feel like I would ever truly belong in this world. Who knows, maybe I’ll see Logan again. Maybe somewhere up there in Heaven, where the ocean meets the stars, we can fish and laugh and be brothers again.
While I was on this earth, I experienced passion, friendship, and true love. Love for Jay, and love for myself. I pray from the sky above that Jay can make peace with who he is. I pray he can embrace the man he is meant to be instead of hiding from it. I believe in him. I hope he knows that.
Khloe, if you’re reading this…I love you. I’ve loved you since the day I met you. I know you’re hurting. I don’t doubt it. But please know that this is what I wanted.
Now, you have a decision to make. I’d like you to release this journal to the school. Make copies, print pages, do whatever you have to do to put my words out there so other kids know they’re not alone. The gay ones, the confused, the sad, the dark-skinned and the bullied…they’re not alone. No one is ever as alone as they feel.
And please, for the love of God…take care of yourself. Make me proud, ladybug. I will never stop being your BFF & Ever, even in Heaven.
Jusqu’ a la procaine fois.
Take care of yourself, ami.
About the Author
Britt Morgan is a young adult author who writes an array of angsty, dystopian, and feel-good YA stories for her readers. She lives in Idaho with her husband, two sons, a Golden Retriever named Willow, a horse called Reno, and their cat, Simba. She also enjoys pumpkin-flavored anything, traveling, autumn, and boozy concoctions.
You can find Britt on social media when she’s not writing the pretty words. Come say hi, and stay up to date on new releases, teasers, and special giveaways. Britt loves to get to know her readers!
**Britt Morgan is the YA pen name for Amber Thielman, Amber Kuhlman, and Amethyst Moon. If you love contemporary or paranormal romance, please check out her other works!**
You can connect with me on:
https://www.facebook.com/Britt-Morgan-106781888528396