by Quinn, Paula
Now he knew the full measure of his madness. What was he to do?
“Thank you for changing your mind, my lord.”
It was not something he did often.
“You do not have to call me that.”
“I do not mind.” She bowed her head a bit and tilted her chin. She was still smiling. “We are hungry.” She tickled Elias’ belly and roared. He roared back and then laughed.
His son laughed and the sound seemed to reverberate inside of Nicholas. Truly, there was no babe ever born as beautiful as his child.
“Join us,” Julianna invited him and then set Elias on his feet and took his hand. “We are going to feed our bellies.”
“I…” He had things to see to now that he was back. He was an earl with a pile of letters that needed to be read. He had engagements. Two this week, in fact!
“I do not know anyone in the great hall,” she confided in him. “Or how they will receive me. I admit I am a bit frightened.”
“You have nothing to fear from the men. You are my son’s caregiver. They know it…or they will when I tell them.”
She nodded and looked away, unsatisfied, and began toward the great hall.
He knew what she wanted but it wasn’t for the best. He argued with himself for another moment and then followed them.
The great hall was brimming with people, Highlanders and villagers alike. Julianna saw Molly and Beatrice and a few other women and stopped with Elias to bid them good morn. She didn’t seem shy or nervous around anyone.
Nicholas made his way to a raised table at the head of the great hall and sat down with Rauf.
It was his first appearance in what was as close to public as he wanted to get. Most had seen him full of hair since his return. They were all staring at him and what the hell was he doing? Watching her! They all saw him watching her. He could barely tear his gaze away. He almost didn’t care if he ever looked away again.
Perhaps most thought he could not look away from his son. But Julianna knew his gaze was level with hers. She looked away first. He dipped his gaze to Elias.
“My lord?”
He blinked away from his son and watched a lass approach the front of his table.
“I am Giselle. You do remember me, do you not? Mattie’s friend?”
He gave her almost all his attention, remembering for an instant why he didn’t like being around people.
The rest of his attention he gave to Julianna and Elias approaching a lower table behind her, where thirteen of his most fearsome warriors ate as if it were their last meal. Was that where she was going to sit? He thought she said she was afraid.
“Miss Feathers!” he called out, stopping her. “Bring my son here and sit with him.”
She looked so relieved he was tempted to smile at her. He didn’t. In fact, he scowled a little. This was how she would work her wiles on him.
He wasn’t going to sit by and let her round him up the way one of his sister-in-law’s reiver cousins rounded up someone else’s cattle.
“My lord,” Giselle interrupted. “I was wondering if I might tend to wee Elias. I would…”
Nicholas caught the dark, deadly glare Julianna cast her as she passed Mattie’s old friend on her way around the table to sit. Rauf sat on his right so Julianna walked around them and sat Elias on his left. Nicholas motioned for her to sit beside Elias then turned his flinty gaze on Giselle. He should be relieved to have someone else other than Julianna want to tend to his son. But Giselle hadn’t even noticed his son was entering the great hall. She hadn’t looked at him once. Where had she been when he was crying? And when Nicholas was hairy? And she thought Nicholas would give her charge…? What had Avice been like? He didn’t remember meeting her. Had he met her first? He was the worst excuse for a father. He would try to make it up to Elias.
“We are breaking fast,” he snarled at her. “Miss Feathers is to be my son’s governess, so if you would be so kind as to return to your seat…”
Her eyes filled with tears and she hurried away, sniffling. He watched her leave, satisfied that she wouldn’t try again. He turned to Julianna and she smiled at him. She looked away and he was certain he could actually feel his defenses crumbling.
It wasn’t long before Rauf rose from his seat and practically climbed over Nicholas’ shoulders to be a bother to his son. Elias pushed into Julianna’s side, wanting no part of the commander. Nicholas smiled.
“I was going to tell Elias about his lion heart.” She picked the boy up and set him in her lap when she realized he couldn’t see over the table from his seat.
“His lion heart?” Rauf asked while she laid a cloth over the babe’s lap.
“Aye,” she said and smiled at the boy. “Do you want to hear a story about the bravest man in all the kingdoms?”
Elias nodded, forgetting about everyone around him.
Nicholas’ heart beat furiously making him feel a little unsteady. If he had to sit here listening to how wonderful some man she knew was, he’d fling his plate into the hearth.
“He was born to fight many battles.” Her gaze found and caught his. He wasn’t able to look away. “I’m certain there have been volumes written about him that we have not yet discovered.” Her rich, sensual voice covered him in luxury. “He fought many dragons you and I will never have to face, and he had to fight quietly. Some people thought he was weak of heart and they were unkind to him.”
Was she speaking of him? His blood warmed in his veins when he realized she was.
“But I knew he possessed a lion heart, for it took more strength to remain silent while he fought himself rather than everyone else. He was not boisterous or loud at all, never bringing the attention of his master and his whip to him. One day, God smiled upon him and brought him some friends, even brothers. And then do you know what happened?”
Elias shook his head.
“He had a son of his own, a small part of himself with the same courageous heart. And his son will defeat any dragon just like his papa.”
“Papa?”
“Aye,” Julianna told him. ’Tis a story about your papa, Elias. You have the same lion heart as he.”
She was a master at whatever it was she was doing to him. She was so good, he didn’t care what kind of spell she was weaving.
She had once told him that she thought he was the bravest boy she’d ever known, and all because he hadn’t fought back when three of Sir Roger DeAvoy of Alnwick’s sons hurled pig manure at him—among the many other things they had done to him when they visited Berwick. He’d told Julianna that he’d wanted to hurt them. And he could have. He was twice their size. But she begged him not to. She was afraid he would have been whipped and perhaps sent away. She had told him she would rather die than not have him in her life. So he’d let them taunt him.
He had wondered if she’d meant it—about him being the bravest boy. Now, he believed she had.
“Will you help your papa fight the noisy dragon by not shouting and screaming so loud,” she asked his son.
“Or at all,” Rauf added and then gave Nicholas a sheepish smile when he cast him a dark scowl.
“Your papa or I will still come if you call.”
“Aye, Lyahs help,” the babe promised in a loud voice.
They ate, enjoying the tales of Elias from Molly and Walter, who had cared most often for the boy.
He watched Julianna feed his son with razor-sharp focus and patience. She fed him stew that she mashed more thoroughly and let him feed bread to himself.
According to her and Molly, Avice had barely weaned Elias, which earned him more admiration from his father when he chomped his bread.
For the most part, the morning meal was peaceful. Quiet. Nice. Elias even let Nicholas take his hand when they left the great hall. Now, if only Nicholas knew where to take him.
“Well, my lord,” Julianna said, taking his son’s tiny hand from his and brushing her fingers across his at the same time, “we will not keep you from your duties.”
So then, she could still read his thoughts? He wondered if he could still read hers.
No. It was too easy to fall into this familiarity with her again.
He stepped away from the boy and looked down at him. His son. A product of his love with Mattie—someone else—and still Julianna seemed to genuinely care for the boy.
Unless—no. He had never known her to be deliberately cruel to anyone or anything. Except him.
He laid his hand on Elias’ head all the same.
“I must remember that I do not know you, Julianna.”
“You do know me!” she insisted.
“No, I thought I did, but I was incorrect.” He held up his hand to stop her from speaking and moved a step closer to her. “I used to make excuses for you that you were afraid of your father’s punishment and that was why you were as cold as ice to me in the sight of anyone.”
Almost instantly, tears pooled in her eyes and tugged at his heart. “I was afraid of that. But I am sorry for treating you poorly because of your status. I had not lived in anything like your world. And when I did, I—”
His scowl darkened. “What do you mean when you did?”
“What?” Her eyes shone on him and her lips remained parted.
“You just said when you did. You lived in my world? What does that mean?”
“Nothing,” she replied, nonchalantly. She smiled, but it wasn’t genuine. She was nervous. Afraid. Why?
“Where have you been, Julianna? Was your marriage good or poor?”
“I would rather not discuss it, my lord.”
Now he wanted to know all the more! He would find out, but he wouldn’t push. He nodded and ground his teeth.
“I’m sorry about your wife,” she went on. “I heard many wonderful things about her from Elizabeth Fitzsimmons while I was at the abbey.”
He eyed her. She was diverting his attention from herself to Mattie, and it was working. Memories of Mattie filled his thoughts and he smiled softly. She believed in him when he didn’t believe in himself. She loved him at his worst and helped him put away Julianna and smile again. “She is greatly missed.”
Julianna’s forced smile faded and she looked away. Was she jealous? Nicholas knew most of her expressions as if they were his own, but she’d never been jealous before. She’d never had a reason to be. He’d seen other things in her eyes, in the face he knew so well. There was something different about her. Her carefree abandon was gone and with it, her sometimes haughty airs. Where had she been these years, who had she been with?
He watched her greet one of his men with a smile and wondered if he was going to have to start fighting the men to keep them away from her. But truly, he had no right to involve himself in her interests. Still, the fire heating his blood flashed across his eyes and the man passed them without another look at her.
Julianna wasn’t his—and yet, she was. Now that she was here, he didn’t want any other man to try to take her.
Hell. He rubbed his palm over his forehead, tousling his waves. How could he fight her? He was already losing. Mattie had taken him out of the past, and now Julianna had come to bring him back to places and times in his life. The times that had been good—because of her.
Finally, her gaze caught his. He let his eyes soak in the glory of her countenance. How easily he could step out onto that ledge and fall into her once again.
“Use caution with the men,” he warned, trying not to sound jealous. “They are…men.”
He’d sworn to himself that he would keep a clear head if he ever saw her again. She had too much power over him. He couldn’t trust her love. She had cast it away once.
“As I said, you may stay,” he announced, snapping to attention. “You will have your own sleeping quarters. Rauf tells me you slept in Avice’s room. You do not have to remain in that room. I can arrange for larger chambers—”
“Where I am is fine,” she told him, smiling and holding up her hand. “Thank you for choosing me to be Elias’ governess, my lord.”
“Aye,” he told her and then grumbled something under his breath even he didn’t understand. He bid her good day then left her sight. He wished he had a physician because something was off with him. He spoke things he hadn’t wanted to speak.
Or perhaps he did.
Elias responded well to her and the castle was quiet and peaceful finally.
He let her stay for Elias’ sake.
It made him feel better when he told it to himself three times.
Chapter Seven
Julianna spent the day with Elias, letting him explore in the snow-blanketed courtyard. They played and tossed snow at each other. Julianna was glad the boy was laughing and having fun instead of hiding under his bed and crying. He was adorable to watch, running on chubby legs encased in extra clothes to keep out the cold. At first, he could barely stand and Julianna couldn’t help but laugh at all the times he fell on his rump or flat on his face in the snow. She hurried to his aid and righted him every time, smiling with him while she dusted snow off him.
He looked almost exactly like his father had looked as a child, but Elias was somehow even more beautiful. His eyes were bluer, larger with innocence of his age. His lashes were so long they reached his brows.
“Is it too cold, Elias?” she asked, not really knowing how cold was too cold for a two year old.
“No,” he reassured her in his sweet voice. “Lyahs like it.”
All right then. Julianna smiled as he struggled to walk and finally managed it without falling. She felt her heart soften toward him as he joyfully overcame his tightly wrapped legs. He was Nicholas’ son. She loved him on that merit alone.
When she saw the babe’s father exiting the keep, her smile faded. She’d never planned on telling him about Phillip. She couldn’t tell him. She hadn’t meant to even suggest that her life had been difficult. But the old ease of talking to him, telling him everything, had come creeping back in. Still, she couldn’t tell him that she’d married Phillip DeAvoy, his enemy, the boy who had made his life hell. In her dreams, she never told him, but she wasn’t dreaming anymore. She thought she might be breaking through a bit of his icy exterior. How deep did it go? Did he still hate her? If he didn’t, he would once he found out about Phillip. She had to tell him the truth. But not yet.
She watched him approach. He wore a wool coat, cinched at his waist, and padded at the shoulders and around the neck with fur pelts. He navigated perfectly over the snow and reached them in a few strides.
“I think it might be too cold and too soon for him to be out,” he murmured, standing beside her.
Julianna looked up at his ruggedly-cut profile. He had changed. He looked as if he had seen even worse days than being a servant. As if he knew now that whether servant or freeman, one could not hide from sorrow.
Mattie.
“He has been well for a full day. Look, he is moving about and is also packed quite snugly. Also,” she told him lightly, “his lips are still pink.”
Was he still in love with his wife? Did he still think of her? Julianna didn’t want to know the answers. Just thinking the question angered her. It frightened her, as well. How could she be jealous of a dead woman? Mattie was dead! She was never coming back!
Just as with Elias and Avice. Mattie wasn’t here, but Julianna was.
Still, he’d loved someone else, kissed someone else—she didn’t let herself go on. She may have married, but she never loved Phillip. And still, she had chosen him over Nicholas. It made her belly ache and her skin crawl.
She wrung her hands. He smiled at his son.
She’d never loved anyone but him. She’d never told him. She assumed he knew.
“Do you think of her often?” she asked him against the howling wind.
“Who?”
“Mattie.”
He turned for a moment to scowl at her. Julianna bristled and then cut her gaze to Elias.
“Am I not permitted to
mention her name?”
“You take liberties with the manner in which you speak to me.”
She quirked her brow at him, then dipped her chin. “Forgive me, but what do you mean?”
“Lift your head when you speak to me,” he commanded then waited until she did. “You use our familiarity as a gateway to go where you should not go.
Her mouth opened wide with insult. She was about to tell him where he should put that opinion.
She understood that if she didn’t know him so well, she would not have asked him about something so personal. But she wasn’t using the familiarity to win him back.
She intended on telling him but received a mouthful of snow from Elias’ pudgy hand instead. He squealed with laughter, making her and his father laugh, too.
She spit out any unmelted snow and went after him. He took off running, laughing as he went. When she caught him, she lifted his rosy cheek to her lips and lavished him with wet, cold kisses then she whispered something in his ear.
With mischief gleaming their eyes, they picked up the snow, packed it in their hands, (Julianna helped Elias pack his) and threw it at Nicholas.
He ducked and avoided her ball. Julianna and Elias rushed him, picking up snow and throwing it at him as they went. Nicholas laughed and he didn’t run. He took the snow that came to him and grabbed them both up in his arms when his son and Julianna reached him.
They fell to the ground in fits of laughter. Elias was the first to sober and move away. Julianna watched him and sat up. Nicholas stood to his feet and offered her help getting up. She was sorry the moment had passed.
“Forgive me for that,” he said, pulling her to her feet by one hand.
“For what?” she asked, coming up close to his body.
He lowered his eyelids, concealing his gaze within his lush, dark lashes. When he spoke, his voice was low and deep near her cheek. “For taking you into my arms as if I had any right to.” He backed away, breaking contact and putting distance between them. “I do not have the right, nor do I want it. But you are hard to resist for many reasons.”