by M. S. Parker
28
“I’ve seen happier faces when I’m talking budgeting for the upcoming year to the members of the board.”
That was my father’s attempt at a joke and I managed a vague smile for him as we sat down to breakfast.
Mom didn’t even attempt to use humor to try to break the ice, but I guess I should have been expecting it. It had been a week since I’d moved back home, and if I looked as glum as I felt, then it was a wonder people didn’t break out into sobs when they saw me.
“Are you ever going to tell us what has you so moody? Or why you left Denver?” Mom asked as she cut into the grapefruit she always ate for breakfast.
I went to brush the question off – as I’d done every day since moving back here – but then I stopped. I had to face the music sooner or later, and avoiding it wasn’t helping. Taking a deep breath, I met my mother’s gaze, then glanced over at Dad. “I broke things off with Aaron. That’s…” I almost lied outright and said that was why I’d left Denver, but in the end, I just hedged a little. “I caught him cheating on me and I ended things. After that…well, I tried to make everything work, but it wasn’t happening. I thought I’d be happier working closer to home.”
Mom’s lips pursed and she sighed. “Darling, what happened?”
“He cheated,” I said, holding up my hands and shrugging. “I told you.”
“That’s not what I meant.” She glanced at my father, her cheeks coloring a bit before she met my eyes once ore. “Men don’t stray unless they have reason. Did you…give him reason?”
My jaw dropped open. “Did I…what?” I demanded.
“Sweetheart, any number of young women make similar mistakes,” she said, speaking in a comforting voice now.
But that came far too late. I didn’t want to be comforted because they thought they could advise me about how to avoid making some mistake I’d made with Aaron.
“The only mistake I made with Aaron was not seeing that he was such a douche earlier on,” I said cuttingly. Laying down the spoon I’d been using to stir my oatmeal, I added, “He cheated – not because of anything I did – unless you count not being there while I was in college, in maybe not asking how high when he said jump.”
I got up then, too mad to see straight.
“Stella,” Dad said, his voice firm.
I stilled, recognizing that tone.
“You won’t speak to your mother that way.”
I jutted my chin up. “What way? Implying that maybe I deserved respect from my boyfriend, and when I didn’t get it, I ended things?” It was the sharpest I’d ever spoken to either of them – and probably the closest I’d ever come to being disrespectful – but I was tired of pretending that their jabs at me didn’t hurt. “I’m not perfect, but I don’t deserve to be treated like trash by my boyfriend.”
Turning on my heel, I strode out of the room, refusing to linger.
If I had, Dad would wear me down, and I would apologize. I knew it.
And I couldn’t do it this time.
I wasn’t wrong and they’d been unfair.
* * *
For the past few days, I’d driven around, dropping off my resume at various firms and advertising agencies, but nobody was looking to hire this close to Christmas. There were only a few weeks left in the year, and it was entirely likely I wouldn’t be able to find a new job until the beginning of the year. Longer, perhaps. They’d call my old job, and once they talked to HR, they’d get the impression that I wasn’t rehireable.
Breanna had offered to be a reference, and she’d told me that at least two others there had promised the same, which was better than nothing. But still, if my former employer – my only significant employer – didn’t consider me to be rehireable, that said quite a bit to a prospective employer.
After the debacle with my parents, I wasn’t up to dealing with the harsh realities of life – or any of the polite but firm, we’re not really looking at hiring at this time responses I’d been getting.
But I wasn’t staying in the house either.
So I left to go see my sister Camilla. I would have loved to have spent a few days with Aunt Millie, but for the past few years, she tended to head south as soon as the temperature dropped below fifty degrees.
I wasn’t certain I’d find much sympathy with Camilla, but visiting Annette was out of the question. She was almost always in campaign mode. And Farah would be at work. She wouldn’t mind a visit, and if her bubbly personality wouldn’t make me feel worse, I could go see her, but I didn’t want to risk running into my parents while I was there.
She’d been working with them almost since she graduated, and my mom and dad rarely let a day go by that they weren’t singing her praises. It was exactly what I didn’t need.
When I arrived at Camilla’s, it was to find the place tastefully decorated like a house out of a Martha Stewart magazine.
If it lacked a little bit of imagination, well…so did Camilla.
She liked the status quo. Change and adventure scared her.
But she was also dependable and honest and wasn’t out to prove how much better her life was than somebody else’s. In short, I could count on her, and I desperately needed a shoulder just then.
She ushered me in out of the cold, and in no time flat, we were sitting down with tea and scones she’d made the day before.
Tea and scones.
It was so Camilla.
If I came over in another week – in the afternoon, of course – it would be hot chocolate and Christmas cookies.
“I take it Mom and Dad are already driving you crazy,” she said as she picked up the scone she’d selected for herself. “You would have waited until the weekend to visit otherwise.”
“What makes you say that?” I sipped at my tea, still cold from the trip from the car to the house.
“Because that’s just you. Why did you leave Colorado? What happened between you and Aaron?” She lifted her own tea cup and took a small drink, sighing in pleasure. As she lowered it, she kept it cradled in her hands.
“I…” Licking my lips, I floundered for an answer. Just tell her what you told Mom and Dad, I thought. “I…well…Aaron cheated on me.”
There. That wasn’t hard.
Then…
“I had an affair with my boss. Well, it wasn’t an affair, really. We made arrangements and decided that it was just sex, but I started having feelings for him…then he fired me. He accused me of embezzling money from the company.”
Camilla blinked at me over the rim of her cup. Slowly, she lowered it down, eyes resting on the delicate china.
She was quiet for so long, I didn’t know if she’d answer.
“Camilla?”
“Wow. When you do something big, you do something big, don’t you?” She laughed a little, like she’d told a funny joke, but whatever it was that had amused her, I couldn’t tell. She took another sip of her tea, then put the cup down. “Exactly why would he accuse you of embezzling? I mean, you wouldn’t do that. It’s not like any of us need the money.”
“Exactly!” I flung up my hands, then let them fall to my lap. Exhaustion battered me, and part of me wished I’d just stayed in bed. It was nice, though, to at least hear my sister’s conviction that I wasn’t a thief. Nibbling on my lip, I shot a look around, then leaned forward. “Can I trust you to keep this to yourself?”
She blinked at me. “Keep what?”
“Camilla!”
“Fine, fine.” She waved a hand at me.
The story came pouring out of me, and it was all I could do to edit some of the details that she would find more shocking. I said nothing about the ways Lukas liked to have sex, nor did I mention that he sometimes beat himself – anything that was personal to him, I kept quiet. But I did tell her we’d struck up a mutually beneficial sexual relationship. Her cheeks had colored when I said it, but she nodded and asked why I’d done it.
I told her the simple truth.
I needed something for me…and I w
anted him.
Her response had been, But didn’t you want Aaron?
I hadn’t been able to answer that though.
At the time, I thought I’d wanted Aaron, but since then, whatever emotions I’d felt for him had taken on a lackluster shine, a tarnish of sorts, and I didn’t think it was all entirely due to the fact that I’d found him cheating.
Now, as I finished up telling her about how Lukas had claimed that money was missing and everything seemed to point to me, I had to fight to keep my voice steady. There was this massive ache in my chest and the pain of it was breath-stealing. It hurt so much – too much, in fact. This hurt more than it had when I’d found Aaron with Terri. I didn’t even understand how that was possible. I’d been with Aaron for years. What Lukas and I’d had, it had started just weeks ago.
It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than sex either.
I was the one who’d been foolish enough to let emotions enter the equation.
“And so…I moved back home.” I shrugged, feeling drained now, like I’d run a marathon or something. I had no idea how long I’d been talking. I knew that Camilla had refilled my tea at least once, and my bladder had become a pressing issue, but as my sister studied me, I couldn’t force myself to move yet. “I came home. I didn’t know what else to do. But I miss him. It hurts being away from him. It hurts to think about him.”
“I guess it does. It sounds like you fell for him rather hard,” she said. She leaned back in her chair, a sympathetic smile on her face. “I could have told you something like this would happen. You always have such big dreams, Stella. You always do everything so…big.” She sighed and looked away. “Maybe it’s time to start focusing on reality.”
29
Paying for the cashmere sweater, I stepped to the side so the next in line could move up. The clerk next to the one manning the cash register adeptly boxed the sweater, then, with a snip of the scissors and a few quick folds of shiny paper, she had it gaily wrapped for Christmas. I accepted the card and quickly wrote To Mom, From Stella on it.
She bagged it for me, and I mentally checked another gift off my list.
I hated shopping for my family.
All of them had everything, so anything I bought was just…stuff. None of it really mattered. At least, it seemed that way.
Leaving the department store, I headed out into the shopping center, still brooding over what Camilla had told me the day before.
Did I really try to do everything…big?
Was that what happened with Lukas?
It didn’t take more than a few seconds of consideration to acknowledge that it could be a possibility. I was a romantic. I’d grown up with my head in the clouds, and all of my sisters had had their feet firmly planted on the ground. My mother and father loved each other, but their true passion was their non-profit.
It wasn’t ever us – their kids – it never had been.
It wasn’t that they didn’t love us.
I knew they did.
But they gave…more to the work they did for charity than they did to us. They always had.
Each of my sisters had somehow managed to find their perfect match, but not a one of them had any sort of deep, staggering match-made-in-heaven sort of love.
The one who came the closest was Camilla, with her marriage to her high school sweetheart, but the two of them weren’t exactly what I’d called star-crossed lovers. More like a well-worn, comfortable pair of old shoes, even though they were both just in their twenties.
I’d been the one who daydreamed about having secret admirers or going off to Europe to travel after college, where I’d meet some cute guy and he’d turn out to secretly be the prince of some small, perfect kingdom and we’d fall in love and he’d ask me to be his bride.
I’d had those daydreams even after I’d hooked up with Aaron.
Now the only daydreams I had were that things had worked out with Lukas.
Maybe I did dream too big, too much, too hard.
It was a depressing thought.
* * *
“I’m sorry,” I said softly as I passed the folded piece of paper across the desk to Holden Richmond.
He’d given me his contact information for both home and office, and I’d contacted him earlier to let him know I wouldn’t be able to help him with Lukas. I hadn’t reached him at home so I’d called his work, planning to leave a message, but the receptionist had asked if I’d be willing to come by.
So I’d had to deliver the news in person.
It made looking into his crestfallen face a necessity, and I wished I could have pushed Lukas for an answer about this over the weekend.
Don’t be silly. He was investigating you over the weekend. That’s why he was being so stand-offish.
Silencing the mentally chastising voice, I went silent as Holden nodded and rose from behind his desk. “It sounds like this is a permanent thing for you.”
“It is.” I debated on how much to tell him and finally said, “I’ve moved back to New York.”
He gave me a surprised look. “I’m…well, I’m surprised to hear that. I would have thought there was…well, I suppose I’m being out of line, but I had the feeling there was something between you.”
“No. There was nothing.” Blushing, I looked away. “The information to contact Lukas is on the paper. It’s all public information. I’m sorry, I don’t feel comfortable giving you his private information. You can try leaving a message and see how that goes.”
“Of course.” He nodded at me, eyes lingering on my face.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You did something a lot of people wouldn’t do. I appreciate it.” He folded the page and tucked it under the edge of a crystal paperweight.
Recognizing my cue to leave, I stood. But I couldn’t just walk out yet. “Are you going to contact him?” I asked nervously.
“I…I don’t know,” he said, voice quiet. “I want to. But I’m not certain if I should, if it’s my place. I’m not even certain if he’d want to hear from me.”
“He would.” Hoping the desperation I felt inside didn’t come through in my voice, I gave him a smile. I wanted it to convey confidence. But who knows. It could have looked like a clown’s smile for all I knew. “Trust me. He’d want to know.”
Holden didn’t respond, and after a moment, I turned and left.
He said nothing as I walked out the door.
As I rode the elevator down, my phone rang, and I tugged it out of my purse.
Seeing Gracie’s name on the screen had me tightening my hand around the case of my phone, but I didn’t answer. I shoved the device back into my bag and slipped out of the elevator to the jangling little tune of it as it rang a third, then a fourth time before finally going silent.
I had no idea what to say to her.
She’d ask how things were – they sucked.
Knowing Gracie, she’d offer to talk to Lukas – I’d rather roast in hell before accepting the job back from him out of pity.
She’d want to know if I’d found another job – I was tired of even looking.
What was I supposed to say?
It was easier to just not answer right now. Maybe in a few weeks, when I had a job.
* * *
“So how is the job hunt going?”
For all the reasons I’d dodged answering a call from Gracie, I should have also considered dodging a call from Breanna, I thought grimly. Laying on the bed, I stared up at the ceiling of the room I’d slept in as a little girl. With the phone on speaker and a glass of wine in hand, I was close to falling asleep. Even though I hadn’t done much more than a bit of Christmas shopping and gone to see Holden, I was worn out.
“Stella?”
“I’m here,” I said. “I’m just trying to figure out a way to answer that won’t make me sound like a loser.”
“You’re not a loser.” Breanna’s voice was stern. “You’re awesome.” She lapsed into silence then for a brief moment. “No luck
yet?”
“Nobody is interested in hiring right now with the holidays so close. Well, unless I want to work retail.” I grimaced. “And…hell no on that front.”
“I don’t blame you,” Breanna replied with a lusty sigh. “I’ve been there, done that. It’s hell on two wheels.”
“I did it for a year in college. Don’t ever want to do it again.”
“You worked retail?” Breanna laughed with glee. “Damn, rich girl. I would have thought you would have spent all your time hanging out with the sorority girls.”
I made a face at the phone. “I didn’t join a sorority, much to my mother’s horror.”
“Why didn’t you join one?”
“To horrify my mother,” I said with a grin. I took a sip of wine, then put the glass down, slumping lower in the bed. “So how are you doing?”
“Okay, I guess. I met a guy at the Asian place we liked – we’re going out this Friday. His name is Jack. He’s…wow, hot.”
I could practically see her waggling her eyebrows. “And…?”
“And nothing, yet. We haven’t gone out.” She hesitated a moment, then said, “Work is…work. Things are kind of weird. Tense, like. And Grayson–”
“I don’t want to hear about him,” I said quickly, cutting in. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.” A moment of silence stretched out before she added, “I don’t blame you. Anyway, things are weird. Not as much fun as they were when you were here. Terri has become almost insufferable, snapping at everybody over the smallest things.”
“Maybe she’s figured out that Aaron wasn’t worth it,” I said waspishly. “I sure as hell have.”
“Nah. She’s not that bright. It would take her a decade and evidence of four or five affairs before she figured out that nugget of wisdom.”
“Shit.” I snorted. “It took me a couple of years and evidence of one.”
“Proof that you are indeed smarter than her.”