“I know you, Karis. I saw the way you reacted after our parents died. How hard it was for you to open up to people after that. It was like you shut a piece of yourself off. And honestly, maybe I did, too.” He shakes his head. “It’s why I didn’t go to find you. I was scared of what would happen, that I would bring all my troubles to you. Even after I got out of the Magistrate’s Library...it was like the despair was trying to pull me under. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Where I was supposed to go. Even when I started training, that wasn’t enough to fill the hole I felt inside of me. But then Calantha assigned Rudy and me together.”
Matthias smiles and the look on his face is so gentle. “We went on missions together. We fought for the rebellion. And all that was important. But you know what really helped me? Just being with him. Talking to him. Laughing with him. He was this ray of sunshine that split the black apart. He made me hope again. And I didn’t have to do anything to get that, except to let him in.”
His hand squeezes mine. “It’s all right to let yourself care about people, Karis. Even if it hurts, and it will hurt. Even if you can’t always be together. It’s worth it to try.”
Caring. Just like what Zara had said. Somehow, it always comes back to that.
But can I risk that again?
Matthias wraps his arm around me and I curl into his side, pressing my head against his shoulder. I catch a glimpse of Rudy, fidgeting by the far wall, glancing at Matthias every few moments while obviously trying to hide what he’s doing. “You know,” I say, my voice muffled by his chiton, “Rudy is much too sweet for you.”
Matthias pokes me in the side. “I’ll have you know I’m as gentle as a lamb.”
I choke on a laugh. It hurts. It’s good.
My brother is different now. Maybe it’s just from getting older, but there’s a calmness to him that I don’t remember being there before. Rudy was the one who helped give him that, who helped him to change.
Just like Alix changed me.
I’m tired of holding people at arm’s length. Of not letting them in. I tried that and it never worked. I think about all those who I’ve gotten to know on this strange journey. Dane. Zara and her crew. Calantha and her rebels.
Alix.
I want to be a person who can fight for a better world alongside them. I failed them all once.
I won’t fail them again.
* * *
I come up onto the deck. A salty wind blows off the endless leagues of ocean surrounding us. Up above the stars flare in the tapestry of the sky, burning against the dark. I feel so very small on this ship beneath a sky like that. A sky that will keep blazing, no matter what happens to any of us down here.
The music of Kocha’s flute, low and melancholy, drifts over the deck, only to cut off when he sees me. He whispers to Aiken who’s sitting beside him, the younger pirate still shaking after his ordeal. They both look at me, and I want to wilt beneath the pain in Aiken’s face, the cold blankness of Kocha’s, to run back down to the safety of the hold. But I can’t let myself. I step forward, even though that makes more of the people up on deck notice me, turn on me with suspicion and resentment. I clench my hands into fists and take a deep breath. If this is my punishment, so be it.
Zara stands on the other side of the Streak, leaning on the railing and staring out over the water. I take a step toward her. Only then I see Dane coming from the opposite direction. I hang back, feeling awkward.
Zara doesn’t glance at Dane as he comes up, but she must hear him because she says, “Whatever you’re going to say, soldier boy, I’m not in the mood.”
Dane pauses but joins her at the railing. “I just wanted to make sure you were all right.”
Zara stares out over the water. I can’t see her expression, but I can see the tense set of her shoulders, hear the wear in her voice. “I could have gotten everyone from Valitia to safety if I’d been more cautious. Instead we had to run and leave so many people behind. I shouldn’t have risked it. Calantha wouldn’t have risked it.”
Dane picks at the railing, silent for a long moment. “You don’t know what would have happened if we’d left instead of going to the library. But now, thanks to us, those trapped in the library are free. And those in Valitia—yes, they’re in hiding, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t safe.” He turns to Zara. “You’re not Calantha. You’re you. It’s all right for your choices to be different than hers. Sometimes you have to stand and fight.”
“Even if you lose horribly?” Something catches in Zara’s voice. She looks away from him.
Dane shakes his head, even though she can’t see him. I wish she could the way he’s looking at her. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that. “We haven’t lost yet. And failing the first time doesn’t change the fact that we had to try. No matter how it turned out, when we went down to the library, I was nothing but proud that you were my captain.”
Zara looks at Dane, something changing in her expression. “Just your captain?”
Dane blushes. He actually blushes. Zara reaches up, brushing his cheek with her fingers. She looks so soft. In that moment, they could be two people anywhere. Not a pirate captain and an ex-Scriptorium soldier. Just themselves. I edge away, regretting listening in when Zara raises her voice. “Do you need something, Karis?”
It’s as if I’m a bucket of cold water. Zara turns to me, expression tight. Beside her, Dane grimaces and looks away, running his hand through his hair. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t step in to save me from whatever wrath might be coming. I don’t blame him. He once told me he was scared he’d always just be a street brat, always make the same choices he would have back then. But I was the one who did that. I was the one who chose my friends over the world and ended up risking everything and everyone. And I’m done.
I step forward. “I wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Zara folds her arms over her chest. She doesn’t speak and I shrink a little more on the inside before forcing myself on. “You told me what the magistrate has done, how much suffering he caused, and I still let him get the Script ink. I made a selfish choice that put everyone’s lives at risks, and because of me that cruel man now has the power to hurt so many others. It was my fault. All of it. And I’m sorry.”
Zara’s expression doesn’t flicker. My words don’t bring a single speck of warmth back to her eyes. Even as they leave my mouth, I know they aren’t enough.
The silence stretches out so tense I’m debating changing my mind and running back to the hold anyway when Zara says, “Alix trusted you, you know. We all trusted you. Now Alix might be dead and we’re running for our lives. We had to leave people behind on Valitia. Good people. Who might not have another chance to get out.”
Each one of her barbed words finds their mark. Dane glances between us, hesitating now, but I don’t want him to intervene. This is mine to face. I made the decision alone and I’ll bear it alone.
“I know,” I say.
“So then,” Zara says, and something flashes in her eyes. “What are you going to do to make it better?”
A thin ray of hope pierces me at those words, that she’s actually asking me them. That she’s giving me the chance to answer. Losing Zara’s respect was an awful blow.
There’s only one problem: I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to stop the magistrate when he’ll soon have an army of automatons answering to him. I don’t know how to bring Alix back—if he even can be brought back. I remember the way the Heart filled even as the light from the runes drained from Alix. I’m sure the Scrivolia stole the automaton’s blood out of Alix. Which means maybe if we had some Script ink, it would be enough to bring him back, but...
Zara’s pendant.
“Your necklace,” I breathe.
It only takes Zara a moment. She pulls it out, the light spilling over her palm.
“Will it be enough?” Dane asks.
; I don’t know. When Master Theodis animated Alix, Script ink wasn’t as rare as it is now. I’m sure a Scriptmaster like him would have had more than this tiny pendant. But for the first time since Alix fell, I actually believe I’ll see him again, that my mistakes won’t take him away forever. It’s a flicker of a flame coming back to life in my heart.
Only then I remember what Zara told me about that pendant. About her family. “I don’t want you to have to give up the last piece of your parents...”
Zara slips the necklace over her head. “I don’t need a pendant to remember my parents or what they did. And I’m not about to let Alix stay the way he is.” She holds the necklace out to me.
I shake my head, backing away. “No, it shouldn’t be me. Not now.”
Zara doesn’t budge. “This is your mess, Karis. And I expect my crew to clean up their own messes.”
Her words aren’t a command, but her tone is. I take the pendant, the gold warm against my skin.
The others follow me silently down to the hold. Alix is still lying in bed, his hand open on the sheets. I place the pendant into his palm, my heart straining against my ribs. He looks just like when I first found him in that cave, only now I know how much more he is. He isn’t a mindless automaton to be used and controlled. He’s my friend. He’s kind and brave and strong. And I have to believe he’s still in there somewhere.
“Come on, Alix,” I whisper. “You can do it. Come back to us.”
Nothing happens, and black despair threads its way into my heart. Then the light coming from the pendant dims and his runes give a weak flash. I barely dare to breathe as the moments pass. One. Two. Three.
And Alix’s eyes flicker open.
36
* * *
ALIX
I drift up out of the darkness, fuzzy shapes shifting from the black. My memories blur together and I can’t quite remember why, but this all feels familiar. This cold and this dark, and this struggling to surface. I fight against the cloud that’s taken root in my head and slowly the fuzzy shapes sharpen. A figure leans over me and as my vision clears, I see it’s a girl.
No, it’s not simply a girl. I know her. I know her because this has all happened before.
Karis.
Her face trembles with relief. Relief, and guilt. With that, all of my memory comes crashing back over me. The Heart and the magistrate. Karis using my tome, and the Scrivolia being unlocked against my will. The Script ink being pulled out of me, and my body going numb. Betrayal engulfs me once more, as fresh and as sharp as when I first felt it.
The Scrivolia took away what I was. I could feel it stealing all the pieces of me, and I don’t understand how I’m back until I notice the prick of heat against my palm. I look down and see Zara’s pendant clasped in my hand. It’s dark now, all the Script ink in it gone. Over it are Karis’s fingers, curled around my own.
I move my hand away, and Karis’s face crumples. Some part of me wavers, wanting to reach out and comfort her. As quickly as that emotion comes, it’s gone, replaced by a hollow ache in my chest. Everything I thought I knew about how she felt for me was a lie. When it really mattered, to her I was simply a thing to be used.
She turns and flees from the sick bay, out into the hold.
I don’t call her back.
There’s a thick silence before Zara steps up to me.
She clasps my shoulder. “Welcome back to the land of the living.”
The cloud around my thoughts is dissipating, leaving a splitting headache behind. I didn’t realize I could get headaches.
“Thank you,” I say, my voice coming out foggy.
The others crowd closer around me. Dane shakes my hand. Finn gives me a slap on the back. Rudy wraps me in a bear hug, looking elated, and it’s only then that I remember Matthias and glimpse him in the bed across the room from mine.
All of these people were worried about me. They were waiting for me to wake up. Back before, I was so alone. It was only ever the two of us, and when my father was gone, all I could do was sit and wait for him. Now here’s a room full of people who wanted to make sure I was all right. That should be enough.
Only it isn’t. A chunk has been torn out of me, leaving a yawning pit in my center. And I don’t know how to fix it.
* * *
One by one the others leave. Each of them asks if I want them to stay, but my head still pounds and for the first time in my life I’m tired, exhaustion weighing me down into my bed. So I force a smile I don’t feel and I tell them it’s all right to go.
It’s quiet once they’re gone. Matthias is still there in the bed across the room, but he’s asleep, and so is Rudy, his head resting against Matthias’s side and their hands entwined on top of the blankets. The only light in the room comes from the two lamps, one beside my bed, one beside Matthias’s, like watchmen signaling that we’re both still alive.
My tome lies beside my bed on a table. I feel its closeness even before I look at it, this thing that allowed all this to happen. Some part of me doesn’t want to see the evidence of what Karis did. Only these are my runes, this is my tome, and for once in my life I’m going to own them.
I pick it up and flip to the last page with runes on it. There’s walk, halt, reach, unlock. I expect the runes to end there. They don’t. There’s move, turn, step, lock, and then wake, over and over and over again, the writing growing increasingly frantic. It’s Karis’s writing, I know that much. Which means she tried to stop it, after she started. She tried to wake me up. I see her panic and fear in the erratic lines and the smudged strokes. She changed her mind.
Only it was too late.
The door creaks. I look up and see Karis, in the shadow of the doorway. She’s pale and exhausted and wearing the same chiton as before, stained and streaked with dirt. As soon as I meet her eyes, she drops her gaze.
She doesn’t say anything, and neither do I, because I can’t. Seeing her has brought it all back: my limbs moving against my will, my body taking me to a place I didn’t want to go, and then the coldness and the darkness swallowing me whole.
She steps closer. Her hands clench in front of her and the words start spilling out, faster and faster, as if she’s scared I’ll stop her. “I’m so sorry, Alix, for what I did. I have no excuse. I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew how much it would hurt you. And I still did it. I know I can never make it up to you. I know you have every right to hate me.” She shakes her head, her breath catching in her throat. “But I am so, so sorry.”
Her words peter off. She means what she says. Despite what happened, I’m sure I still know Karis well enough to judge that. Yet it does nothing to take away this pulsing knot in the center of my chest.
“Is it supposed to hurt this much?” I ask.
Karis’s face twists. “I don’t know. I don’t have Script ink so—”
“I don’t mean that.” I clutch my hand to my chest. I thought when I learned about what had happened to my father that was the worst I could possibly ever feel. Only even that had been a shock turned to numb disbelief turned to a heavy ache. This is a wound that’s still being carved. “I didn’t think emotions could feel like this.” Father never warned me what others could do to you, even the people you cared about. Even the people who you thought cared about you.
Karis pulls in a sharp breath. “I don’t know. No one’s ever treated me the way I treated you.”
I sag, even though I wasn’t sure what I expected from her. To make this all better? Perhaps the lesson to be learned is that some things can’t be fixed. Karis used my runes against me. My father gave me those runes in the first place. The two people I thought really cared about me... The two people I thought saw me as something more... They each had a hand in what happened.
“You treated me like a thing, Karis.” My voice comes out strangely flat. The coldness should bother me more than it does. It’s taking me over an
d pulling me down until I can no longer glimpse the sky. “You took away my choice and broke the promise you made to me. I’m not ready to forgive you for that. I’m not sure I can.”
Karis’s face falls. “Right,” she whispers.
Silence swallows us once again, silence I’m not used to, not when it comes to her. She looks smaller than usual, that stubbornness and energy normally blazing in her expression gone.
I stare numbly down at my hands. How did everything change so quickly? I set out to complete my father’s work, and instead I undid it. I failed what I was meant to do. Even if the magistrate hadn’t shown up, even if Karis hadn’t done what she did, I wouldn’t have been able to destroy the Heart. I wouldn’t have known where to start with those melodies.
I desperately want my father. He would never have gone to the Acropolis that night without a solid plan. Which means somewhere in my head I already know how to do this, somewhere locked down along with every other one of my memories. If only Calantha or Master Leuwin had fixed my runes. If I remembered everything, none of this would have happened.
Then I realize there’s someone who can fix runes, right here on this ship.
I look at Karis, still standing there, shoulders hunched as if melting into herself. As if she’s waiting for me to say the words to send her away.
“I’m not ready to forgive you,” I say. “But I do need your help.”
She looks up at me, eyes bright, and nods.
I’m finished with not remembering. One way or another, I’m getting my memories back. Tonight.
37
* * *
ALIX
“Absolutely not!” Rudy cries. His hair is flattened against one side of his head from his rest. Matthias blinks sleepily on the bed behind him. Zara and Dane are here, too. It only seemed right that we all be together for this.
Karis steps forward. There’s a space between her and me, negative energy pressing us apart. I see it there between her and the others, too, as she stands in the middle of our group and yet alone. What happened while I was sleeping?
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