by C. T. Phipps
“Well if you don't want to talk, Stone, I can just leave you to your fate,” Jumping Jack Flash said, perfectly coherent.
“So, the crazy prophet thing is an act.”
Jumping Jack Flash shrugged. “Not really. I can see the future, but it’s safer to be thought a drunk fool than a man who can genuinely predict what will happen.”
I stared at him. “Do you know how tonight will end?”
“In fire,” Jumping Jack Flash said.
“Babylon Five fan?” I asked.
Jumping Jack Flash chuckled. “That's one of the things you'll hate about growing old. You'll develop a massive number of pop culture references no one else will get.”
“How's that?”
“I do a mean Buster Keaton impression. Used to be hilarious.”
“Ah.”
“So, where am I and what am I in for?” I asked, dreading the answer.
I tried not to think about David or Melissa. Even though I'd known the latter for a single night, it was horrifying to imagine what was her potential next few centuries as Renaud's prisoner. I'd royally fucked up my priorities tonight, and Eaton's death barely registered as an accomplishment.
“Kali and I brought you to the voivode, who scanned your mind. She found out you were involved in the bombing attempt on the Apophis, you killed Eaton, and that you were working with the Network to kill everyone involved in the Walpurgis Night meeting.”
“Shit,” I said, grimacing. “I—”
“Of course, they know you're not guilty.”
“Wait, what?”
“Kali contacted the ghost of your slave,” Jumping Jack Flash said.
“Servant,” I corrected. “David left a ghost?”
“Everyone does,” Jumping Jack Flash said. “Heaven and Hell are really just names for how screwed you are post-death as well as where the spirits take you.”
“That's … terrifying.”
“You should ask your creator about his journey to hell sometime,” Jumping Jack Flash said. “Anyway, he revealed everything which happened with Renaud and that you were brainwashed into incriminating yourself.”
“Oh, that's good,” I said, staring.
“Yes, too bad it didn't help your situation.”
I blinked. “Explain that one, please?”
“Indian necromancy is not permissible for use in Vampire Nation courts. Also, the testimony of Rakshasa is considered inadmissible.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“I didn't make the rules. Rakshasas are one of the few races in the world as numerous, powerful, and rich as vampires. It doesn't help that India's probably going to be the new superpower of the twenty-second century while the undead are stuck with the USA. Either way, they've sentenced you to die anyway.”
I grit my teeth. “What about Renaud?”
“Oh, they're going to take precautions against him and move the meeting,” Jumping Jack Flash said. “I mean, they're not stupid.”
I closed my eyes and let out a gallows laugh. “This is because of Eaton, isn't it? I was involved in his death and the voivode blames me for killing her child.”
“Yeah, probably. I've known Ashura for a long time and she's not someone who gives up on her romances easily.”
“She should have chosen better.”
“You didn't know Eaton during the nineteenth century. He was a dashing cavalryman and Southern aristocrat. She was all into the Gone with the Wind thing with him. Right up until it fell out of favor and she abandoned him for the next flavor of the month. You know she has a perfect reproduction of Tara down in Georgia?”
“That doesn't surprise me in the slightest,” I said, disgusted. “Is there any chance of me getting out of this?”
“Not that I see,” Jumping Jack Flash said. “Then again, it's a matter less of genuine love than of pride, which is worse. There probably is a solution, but you're not rich, powerful, or well-connected enough to afford it.”
“Wow, that actually makes it worse.”
“Sorry,” Jumping Jack Flash said, removing a flask from his coat. “I'd offer you some, but I don't want you spitting on the floor.”
I shook my head, too tired to really care at this point. Either that or the sunlight around me was sapping my strength. “Well, since I'm probably going to be staked, decapitated, burned alive, and left out for the sun—”
“Don't forget your mouth filled with communion wafers and verbena.”
I blanched. “Okay, that's just overkill.”
“Agreed.”
“Will you answer me a question that's been bugging me?” I didn't have much else to do in here, so I might as well make chit-chat. It was better than the alternative of ruminating over David's death and Melissa's abduction. It was amazing how jaded you got about unlife when you were a vampire.
“Yes, I would have gone out with you if you'd asked. I'm afraid you would have found the evening terribly dull, though, toward the end.” Jumping Jack Flash gave me a handsome smile of his all-too-perfect teeth, which I imagined David would have found immensely appealing.
Dammit.
When was the jadedness going to kick in?
I wanted it now.
“What? Wait, no! Actually, I wanted to know what the hell you were.”
“If you want to die denying how you feel, certainly.” Jumping Jack Flash chuckled. “I am one of the Accursed.”
“One of the what now?” I had met a lot of weird things in the years I'd been a vampire, but this was a new one. One of these days I was really going to have go on the Internet and spend a few nights figuring out just what the hell was real and not.
Leprechauns were real, for example.
But assholes. Every last one of them.
Jumping Jack Flash got a wistful look in his eye. “I am human, for the most part, but when I was a young aristocrat in rural France, I was less than kind to my fellow man. After one night of drunkenness with my fellows, I was cursed by a witch who was the mother of a young girl I'd defiled. She told me I would never be able to love or give love ever again. Furthermore, that I would live forever until I committed suicide.”
“My heart bleeds for you,” I said, sarcastically. “I never quite understood curses that include an immortality clause. It didn't make sense in The Mummy with Brendan Fraser and it doesn't make sense here.”
“Yes, well, psychopathia was poorly understood in the seventeenth century, so it worked out well for me.” Jumping Jack Flash shrugged. “I admit, it did come with the downside of permanent impotence, but life is a great deal more than sex, so I suppose you could say I learned my lesson.”
“Right,” I said, wondering why the hell I was behind bars and he was free. Oh right, because the world wasn't right or fair. “How did you end up working for the vampires?”
“Once it was discovered that my blood had no enticement for the undead or nourishment value, apparently qualifying as a form of love, they realized I was the perfect sort of infiltrator and emissary for their daylight activities.”
“A spy, you mean.”
“Very much so,” Jumping Jack Flash said. “I was living the life of Dorian Gray in Queen Vic's London, minus the sex part of course, when they found me. I wasn't really interested in it because my work in the slave trade centuries prior had set me up for—”
I really wanted to break his neck right then. “Uh huh.”
Jumping Jack Flash noticed my anger. He covered his heart and looked apologetic. “Not that I had anything against African peoples, mind you! I would have enslaved anyone to make money.”
I let my mouth hang open, unsure if that made it better or worse.
Jumping Jack Flash sighed. “In the end, they made the proverbial offer I couldn't refuse. It turns out that whole suicide clause looks awfully attractive when they promise to cut off your head and then bury it in the concrete of a bridge for all eternity. I've been gainfully employed as their servant ever since.”
“I am genuinely sorry I asked.”
“I'd prefer you to prophesize my getting the fuck out of here.”
“Doom isn't always negative in its original meaning,” Jumping Jack Flash said, once more pulling out his deck of cards and shuffling them. “I've picked up a lot of tricks living with my curse as long as I have, and true sight is one of them. Of course, knowing what happens to true prophets, I do my best to make my visions as inaccurate as I can without completely destroying my credibility.”
My mouth was dry and I was tempted, truly tempted, to ask him what was going to happen to me. “No. No, I'll find out for myself.”
Jumping Jack Flash's smile actually became wistful. “Perhaps a good thing. I, out of boredom, once prophesized my own fate and got my answer.”
“Which was?”
“Eventually, I will commit suicide. That—knowing that I will someday become so bored or depressed life will have no meaning—has turned more wine and food to ash in my mouth than any witch's curse.”
“World's smallest violin, Rapey-Boy.”
“If you don't want company, that's your prerogative.” Jack put away his flask and turned to leave.
“Why did you help me, anyway?” I asked. “You informed on us at The Razor. We could have slipped out of there without your warning.”
Jack gave a half-smile as he reached the door. “The true answer? It seemed like something to do at the time. I think Elisha is doing the right thing trying to slaughter the Ancients, even if she's going to fail. I also think Kali is doing the right thing by trying to make peace with the various supernatural factions in the city. The real trick to mastering immortality is learning that since everyone is doing what they think is right, the best thing you can do is anything you want.”
“That's a horrible life philosophy.”
“It works for me.”
Jack was about to depart when all of the sunlight lamps in the chamber turned off and the door opened, causing him to take a step back. That was when Thoth entered, wearing a white suit and looking like someone had told him the mortgage was due and he wasn't a billionaire vampire casino owner.
Jack tipped his hat before departing.
“I think he's stealing your outfits,” I said, pointing at the Accursed. “You should totally bury him alive for that.”
Thoth gave a half-smile. “You're free to go.”
I stared at him. “OK, you really need to work on your messenger system, since Jumping Jack Flash just told me I was going to be executed for a bunch of shit I didn't do because vampires are racist dickbags.”
“That was the case,” Thoth said, walking over to me and putting his hand on his shoulder. “But I resolved it. I'm sorry about David. He was a good servant.”
“No, he wasn't,” I said.
“No, he wasn't,” Thoth agreed. “But he might have made a good vampire.”
“That he would have,” I admitted. “Now he's in Heaven.”
“Well, probably not.”
“That's a shit thing to say.”
“It's not a statement meant to depress you. Just a statement of fact. All vampires and their servants go to hell,” Thoth said, definitely.
“I take it you're speaking literally? Jack mentioned you once visited Hell.”
“Yes, I once died during a battle with the Nazis in Russia—”
“And you say it so casually.”
Thoth shrugged. “My first wife, Lucinda, journeyed to the Underworld to lead me out. I got a Dante-esque view of what it was like.”
“Uh huh.” I wondered where this was going.
“The entirety of Hell is a shopping center.”
I blinked. “What?”
Thoth said, “It takes various forms, mind you, but from Babylon onward, marketplaces have always been the worst place in the universe for the mundane petty annoyances of life. Millions of mindless consumers shambled through this one, while stores were run by souls of exceptional quality. It was my eternal punishment to be the snooty jewelry store owner who always gets asked to show customers things they obviously can't afford.”
I stared at him. “Now you're pulling my leg. Also, I hate that guy.”
“He hates you too,” Thoth said. “I regret to say that a succubus whispered to me your punishment, Peter, even though you hadn’t been born yet. She said you would be forced to forever guard the souls of the damned.”
“My eternal punishment is to be a mall cop.”
“So it seems.”
“That sounds better than my current life.”
Thoth shrugged. “Either way, I'm a believer in Voudan, so I have an out when and if I ever die again.”
“You're going to have to qualify that story sometime. Like how the hell, no pun intended, you got back. Is there, uh, anything we can do for David?”
Thoth was silent.
“That's what I thought,” I said, frowning. “Hopefully, he's a manager down there at least. So, how did you get me out of here?”
“I gave away half my fortune.”
Sometimes there were no words.
Chapter Twenty
My eyes widened. “You gave up half your fortune for me?”
That wasn't just a chunk of change; that was Scrooge McDuck money bin levels of cash. Thoth not only owned the Apophis but also had been there in Silicon Valley at the start, where he floated money toward Gates as well as Jobs (both of whom were of the undead persuasion now) in exchange for a part of their empires. He'd also been there to negotiate everything from diamonds to oil to Nixon opening up China on behalf of the Vampire Nation.
Damn.
Thoth gave a dismissive gesture. “It's not that big of a deal.”
“The hell it's not,” I said, shaking my head. “Who did you give it to?”
“Voivode Ashura,” Thoth said, as if the answer wasn’t obvious. “She was the one demanding your head and the one who controls who lives and who dies in the city. I made a proposal of marriage to her, casually mentioning how awful it would be to execute her son by such a union.”
I was suddenly less sympathetic. “Marriage isn't giving away half your fortune, T.”
“Clearly, you haven't experienced it as it is done among vampires or just about any culture prior to the modern era and even then some. Vampires are old-fashioned. There is one dominate partner in marriage and one submissive. For the next hundred years, she'll have access to my funds and the ability to request whatever she wants from me in service. At the end of a century, when our marriage dissolves, she will claim three-quarters of our assets.”
OK, that actually sounded worse than just giving her half of his fortune. “I'm sorry, T.”
Thoth looked away, clearly uncomfortable with this line of conversation. “Like I said, it's not that big of a deal. I've had far worse masters than Ashura, and she's pleasant enough company. She only wants access to my fortune to prop up hers as well as the occasional bit of companionship. Vampires, thankfully, aren’t hung up on notions of monogamy. I won't have to divorce my other brides.”
“Your what now?”
“You already know Fatimah. She really shouldn't count, as it was the product of a boozy night of feeding in Jamaica, but it's still legal on paper. That reminds me—I should send her harem a present. One of her brides is pregnant and a dhampyr is always a cause for celebration.”
I was ninety percent sure he was screwing with me. “How does that work?”
“Well, obviously any child born of a blood servant is going to have a vampire's blood running through their veins anyway, but Fatimah also likes shapeshifting so—”
“I withdraw all questions.”
Thoth smiled. “You should find yourself a vampire bride. Not too early, though. I don't think anyone is really ready to take one until they're at least a century old.”
“Could we focus on murdering the hell out of Renaud and getting Melissa back?”
“You really want to help her?”
I was surprised by that state
ment, but I suppose she was just another vampire hunter to Thoth.
“She tried to help me even when Renaud was completely dominating me,” I said, trying to explain why it was important. “I learned all about a magic tooth sword, Renaud—”
“Yeah, we saw all of that,” Thoth said. “It's very helpful information, even though it basically just amounts to Renaud being even more of an unstoppable killing machine than he was before.”
“I swear, he's like a video game character come to life. If he had white hair and made quips, we'd be truly fucked.”
“Devil May Cry's Dante is a half-demon, not a vampire.”
I paused. “OK, seriously, how the hell do you know that?”
“What? A two-hundred-year old vampire can't own a gaming console?”
“No!” I said, appalled at the way my mentor was ruining my fantasy of him. “You have orgies and shit to attend to!”
Thoth shrugged. “You have to learn about time management in these sorts of things. You have to do something to fill your daytimes as an Old One when the rest of your kind has fallen asleep. I just like watching supernatural programs and these little fantasy games people are building with computers now. Life can't all be sex, drugs, blood, and parties.”
“I'm pretty sure it can, actually.”
“It gets old.”
“It does not!”
Thoth laughed and walked to the door. “In any case, we've doubled security, moved the location of the Walpurgis meeting, added extra wards to the walls, and also arranged for some military hardware to be brought over to arm our soldiers. Our current location is several hundred feet under the New Detroit Airport in a private bunker built for the President of the United States, so it's very likely Renaud won't be able to find us before the Ancients leave.”
That didn't actually reassure me. “Renaud isn't going to be content to cancel his plan. He as good as told me he's going to try to blow up the Apophis again.”
Thoth looked dejected. “If we were to try to round up a group of people capable of killing Renaud, then now would probably be the best time to try. I won't lie to you—the Council of Ancients has always been interested in letting him do his business as long as he's killing Young Bloods. Even when he kills Old Ones, the Ancients consider it eliminating competition.”