Chapter Twenty-One
Project Acorn
“Ah, yes. Here’s the culprit!” Lefty exclaimed, as he walked further into the woods, his torch held before him.
Jack and Nibbler followed closely, and they tilted their heads back to gaze up at the strange sight before them. In the treetops above, there dangled what might have passed for the world’s most bizarre wind chime. As Lefty had predicted, it was Jasper. One of his ankles had been entangled by a rope, and he now hung upside down, perhaps five or six feet above the ground. He’d been trapped!
As Jasper helplessly dangled, he spun in a slow circle, and his key ring softly jingled from the motion. Somehow, he had managed to retain his grip upon his precious, mahogany broom, and as Jack and Lefty came closer, he shook it at them in frustration.
“Go ahead,” the cantankerous janitor encouraged them. “Go ahead, and laugh it up while you can! We’ll just see who gets the last laugh around here!”
Lefty shook his head, and he did indeed chuckle as he examined the inverted form of Jasper. Upon seeing the strange spectacle, Nibbler gave a single bark, which seemed to express astonishment. His tail began wagging rapidly from side to side, and he made an odd sound that was suspiciously close to snickering.
Jack found the laughter contagious, and he joined in. It was awfully sweet, he thought, to see Jasper, the perpetual bully, in such a compromised and powerless position.
While they chuckled at his plight, Jasper glowered, spinning slowly, sighing and grumbling to himself. Jack got the impression that this was not the first time the janitor had been thwarted in such a manner. Jasper seemed to realize he had been caught, and that he would remain powerless until he was released from the snare, for he did not struggle.
It was only after several moments of giggles that Jack came to notice that there was a flurry of activity in the treetops, directly above the dangling Jasper. In the limbs and the leaves, things were scurrying about, and chattering among themselves. He remembered that he and Neil had heard those very noises one night earlier.
“Uncle Lefty!” he cried, pointing upward. “There’s something in the trees!”
“Not to worry, m’boy!” Lefty assured his nephew. “Those are just the squirrels.”
Jack absorbed this news with little shock. He was becoming accustomed to the abnormal amount of weirdness that filled the life of his uncle. Staring at the treetops and scratching at his chin, he asked, “Squirrels, eh?”
“Well, I told you my Burglar-Baffler security system had some unique features, didn’t I?” Lefty chuckled, waving at the treetops. “These squirrels are the descendants of Project Acorn. Remember when I mentioned that your mother was a zoologist? This was one of her favorite research endeavors, in which she sought to enhance the intelligence of squirrels. And she succeeded, as you can see. They formed a rather formidable clan, and they currently help out with my perimeter defense. Hah! Many would-be prowlers – Jasper in particular – have underestimated the abilities of these crafty critters.”
The silhouettes of several dozen squirrels became visible in the trees. Their eyes reflected the light from the torches, and they blinked down at the humans. Some of the squirrels crouched on branches, while others dangled by their feet or tails, playfully swinging on tree limbs like monkeys. They clapped their tiny hands together excitedly, chattering in their squirrelly language and giggling.
“Holy macaroni!” Jack exclaimed. “I’ve seen some pretty darned weird stuff, but this is awesome!”
Lefty flashed Jack a brilliant smile. “I pay them with Southpaw Snickerdoodles. They absolutely love those cookies!”
Nibbler loosed a chuffing noise, and his furry body tensed. His eyes tracked upward with deep concentration, and he braced, as if ready to pounce. A small, shadowy form was gliding from above, descending upon him.
“Some of them are aviators,” Lefty commented. His voice was filled with wonder and appreciation, as if he were but a child, swept up in the magnificence of nature. “Flying squirrels, capable of gliding between trees, and parachuting to the ground! It’s quite marvelous, isn’t it?”
The flying squirrel continued his descent from above. Displaying an incredible amount of accuracy, he gently landed upon Nibbler’s snout. The Labradoodle was thrilled with this development, and he wagged his tail in greeting to the small creature perched upon his nose. In return, the squirrel patted Nibbler’s head with affection, and scratched at the fur above his eyes.
“Hah!” Lefty chuckled. “A perfect landing, as usual. This is Murphy, King of the Squirrel Folk. It looks like you’ve made a new friend, eh, Nibbler?”
“Ah-roo,” Nibbler agreed, while the squirrel remained atop his canine roost.
Lefty fished a Southpaw Snickerdoodle from a pocket of his lab coat, and offered it forth. Murphy accepted the cookie without hesitation. The girth of the Snickerdoodle almost unbalanced him from his perch atop Nibbler’s snout, but he righted himself and took a giant bite from the cookie. Murphy made a noise that at once expressed contentment and gratitude, and then he leaped from Nibbler’s nose, cookie secured within his teeth.
He glided to the ground, and then scurried to the base of the nearest tree. The weight of the Snickerdoodle made him wobble as he went about his way. He scrambled up the trunk and into the limbs above, where he began to divvy up the cookie to the members of his squirrel clan.
“Oh, they do so enjoy those Snickerdoodles,” Lefty commented with glee. “Alright, squirrels. I guess you might as well cut him down now, eh?”
No sooner had Lefty made his suggestion than two squirrels scampered down the rope that held Jasper captive, descending like nimble acrobats. They began to chew upon the rope, grasping it between their paws as they did so.
“That’s it! Cut him loose, boys! Oh, and don’t forget to brace yourself, Jasper!” Lefty warned. “Can’t have you landing on your noggin.” At this point, Lefty turned to Jack and whispered, “Although, I’m not sure it would do much harm… he’s got an awfully hard head, you know.”
“I heard that!” Jasper hollered from where he dangled helplessly, waving his broom about.
“Oh, relax,” Lefty advised. “You’ve got to let your body go limp, to minimize the damage! If you tense up, you might land badly, you know… It’s not as if you’ve never been in this position before!”
“Ensnared by a bunch of squirrels,” Jasper muttered to himself. “Heavens to Betsy, what insult must ol’ Jasper suffer next?”
The squirrels chewed through the rope in rapid fashion. As they chomped through the last of the material, Jasper plummeted to the earth, squawking as he went. With a terrific thwomp, he landed in an ungainly mass of limbs and cleaning implements, which had tumbled from the pockets of his overalls.
“Confound it!” Jasper grumbled. He slowly staggered to his feet, rubbing at his bruised elbows as he did so, working at his newly acquired bumps. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you, Lefty? You, and your no-good nephew, and your crazy band of squirrels.”
“Give it up, Jasper,” Lefty said amiably. “You know darned well that you’ll never get my secrets. You’ve been trying for years! Don’t you think it’s time you gave it up?”
“No,” Jasper replied. He slowly revealed a diabolical grin. “As a matter of fact, I don’t think so.”
The Green Beans, Volume 2: The Strange Genius of Lefty O'Houlihan Page 21