She cocked her head to the side and studied me. “Okay. Anything I can do to help with that?”
I wasn’t about to talk about Ash or the way every part of me longed to see him. “Nope. I’m good. I’ll take some ice water, though, since you’re offering.”
She nodded and glanced down at my books again. “I’ll check in on you later and get that water to you shortly.”
No forced therapy. No diagnosis. Maybe my mother finally found someone who would sit back and babysit like she paid for.
She left my room in a sweep of satin black hair and closed my door behind her.
It didn’t take long for Styx to barge right in. She shoved a plastic glass toward me, and the water sloshed over onto my wrist as I took it from her.
She watched me. “You going to eat today?”
I shrugged.
“You are still acting like a child. What do you think not eating will get you?”
“I’m just not hungry. I’ll eat when I want to eat.”
She eyed my untouched oatmeal on the desk and then the water cup in my hand. “You have until the end of today, and if you don’t eat, I’ll be in here with an IV and some restraints. Don’t make me tie you, young lady. And don’t test me. I’ll do it.”
I had no doubt she would. Her hard stare cut away, and I felt released once she left the room too. I sipped the water and stared at the book I was reading. I didn’t have any interest in it at all but I also didn’t want to do anything else. Staring at the wall would likely get me heavy medications but I couldn’t bring myself to pick the book back up and feign interest in anything.
I balanced the cup on the edge of my bed and leaned my head back into the wall. Might as well sleep until Styx came later to force feed me.
A shadow woke me, and I jerked hard away from the wall. It took me a minute to realize he was in my room. I whispered his name. “Ash.”
He shifted through book stacks until he reached my bed and sat a tray down on the blankets. Toast and oatmeal.
I couldn’t look at him. It hurt too much. Along with breathing, thinking, existing when he sat so close to me, and I couldn’t touch him. When I couldn’t call him mine. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have another job to report to?”
He shifted higher onto the bed, and by sheer force of will, I didn’t shift away from him. It would have sent me off the end, of my sanity and the bed.
“Nurse Styx told me she couldn’t get you to eat? Why is that?”
“Like I told her, I’m not hungry.”
“What about now?”
The scent of the food was stirring up some nausea in my gut. “I don’t know.” I was being petulant. I knew it, but I couldn’t help it.
He shifted the tray to sit next to my hip and took the space closer, near my knees. “Let me help.” He scooped a bit of the oatmeal on a spoon and held it out to me.
“Are you really going to feed me like a baby?”
He shook his head. “It’s either me or Styx. I know she’s prettier than me, but she probably won’t be as gentle.”
I didn’t want to laugh at his joke, but I couldn’t stop the smile which bloomed unwittingly.
The spoon inched closer to my mouth, bringing with it the scent of butter and sugar. “Open up.”
Instead of fighting, I gave in and let him slide the metal between my lips. Okay, apparently, I was hungry after all. He offered another bite, and I took that one too.
“I went and saw a friend yesterday. An old fraternity brother of mine. He is trying to write a story on what your mother is doing to you here.”
Everything in me froze, including my mouth on a fresh spoonful of food. I swallowed and then swallowed again.
“Please tell me you didn’t give him the story. Tell me you didn’t do what you promised you wouldn’t?”
He held up the spoon, and I snatched it from his fingers. “No. Talk to me. Tell me what you did.”
He gently took the spoon from my hand, scooped up more oatmeal and held it out. “I’ll talk while you eat.”
I begrudgingly dragged my teeth over the steel and swallowed hard. “I’m eating.”
“What do you have planned now that I’m out of here? How can you get yourself free without my help?”
I swallowed another bite and gulped for air. “Excuse me?”
He dropped his arm. “I only mean to help you think of a way out while I can’t be in here helping you make it happen. I won’t stop trying to free you, but I need to know you’re fighting.”
He held up another scoop and I ate it. “I’ve been fighting my entire life. I’m tired of fighting. This life isn’t so bad, is it? I don’t have bills to pay. I get to sit and read all day, people bring me meals and hand feed me.”
He smirked. “This isn’t the life you want. I know that. Even if everything hadn’t happened between us, I can still see the longing for freedom in you. Not just to get out of here. You dream of adventure, exploration, wild open spaces. I want that for you.”
The words from his lips didn’t help my resignation. I took another mouth full of food and opted to say nothing to his statement.
“When will you understand you are worth helping? Even if it costs me everything. Even if it costs you everything. You shouldn’t sit by and let her imprison you.”
I pried the spoon gently from his fingers and set it on the tray. “I can’t do this. You have to go.”
He stared at me for a long moment until I had to look away for fear I might do something stupid like climb onto his lap and beg him to take me.
He gently grasped my chin and tilted my face back to his, searching out my eyes with his own. “I need you to promise me you won’t stop fighting. Promise you won’t give up.”
How could I give this man up? How could I force him to save himself before it was too late and my mother took his entire life, just like mine. I could lie if it meant he would leave and get far away from this mess of a world I lived in.
“Fine.” I shoved down the rest of the oatmeal in a big mouthful. “Happy. I’m fighting. Please leave before you get in trouble for being here.”
He took a piece of toast and held it out. Instead of letting him feed it to me, I grabbed it and nipped at the crust. “I don’t believe you. I’d like to think I’ve gotten to know you Kory, and I know you would lie in a heartbeat if you were trying to protect me. So I’ll ask again, promise me you won’t stop fighting your mother.”
I swallowed and put the cold toast back on the plate with its untouched brethren. “I would lie to protect you, but I’m only trying to make it through each day. Why can’t you understand, for me, fighting means I war with myself to survive until tomorrow. That is the fight I’m winning and plan to continue. When it comes to my mother, there is nothing either of us can do.”
He sat back on the bed, and I tracked the way he sucked his bottom lip between his teeth. Not the time to get turned on. I stared over his shoulder and whispered. “You should go now. I’ll be fine. Focus on your new job and putting some distance between yourself and this place.”
He reached out but I dodged his hand. “Do you really want that? Do you really want me to leave for good, never come back?”
“I want you to be happy and safe. Isn’t that enough?”
He stood and picked up the tray. “What about your happiness and safety. How can you think it doesn’t matter to me as much as mine does to you?”
I realized I’d made a mistake. He cared about me. I shouldn’t have let him think the moves I made were to protect him. Reading the people closest to me had always been my weakness.
“Come on. When I get out of here, I’m going to fuck my way across Germany. That is what I’m fighting for.”
I met his eyes now. “What are you fighting for, Doctor? The patient you had sex with. The scandal you’ll never be able to live down if it comes to light. When I get out of here, I don’t expect you to be waiting on the curb for me. Move on with your life, just like I will the second I gain my fre
edom.”
The pressure had started to build in my chest, forcing its way up my windpipe. If he didn’t leave soon, I’d start screaming and crying, and I didn’t want him to witness my break down.
“First, let me remind you, we slept together before you were my patient. And I’d accepted you were no longer my patient when we repeated it. Do you really want me to leave?” he asked again.
“For fuck’s sake, go away. I get it you had to fulfill your doctorly duties by getting me to eat. Lord knows Styx is a fearsome woman. Job done. Get the fuck out.”
He flinched away at my tone, and I refused to drop my eyes for fear the mask would crumble. “I’m still in my office until I get my new assignment. If you need me, then please ask a nurse to come find me.”
I grabbed the book I’d been reading off the stack and opened it. “Don’t worry. I won’t.”
I didn’t look at him as he walked out.
The second the latch clicked in the door, and when his footsteps echoed away, I threw the book in my hands across the room to hit the wall with a sickening thud at the spine.
Another book followed, and then another. And soon, the throwing wasn’t enough. I grasped the words that saw me through so many long days and ripped the paper in half. Soon a pile of ink and shreds sat in my lap and the pile of books had grown on the floor across from me.
And I couldn’t bring myself to care.
Chapter Sixteen
Ash
Getting to the hospital early felt like the best way to get to Kory before she tried to toss me out again. I knew our last conversation was an attempt at pushing me away. Her eyes begged me to stay even as her words cut me to my bones. I wished she’d trust me to help her in this. The entire situation felt a little like fighting against a river. There would be no winning for either of us if her pride dragged me into the current before I reached her.
The halls were empty when I made it to my office. I juggled my bag and my keys while I attempted to unlock the door. The key wouldn’t fit into the lock. I propped my bag against the wall to get an actual dominant hand grip on the keys, but they still wouldn’t slide into the lock.
I jiggled the handle but it was locked tight. With a sigh, I swiped my bag off the floor and headed to the nurse’s station. Of course, Minthe sat on the other side of the desk. Guilt flared bright hot through me at how I’d treated her the last time we spoke.
“Something is wrong with my key. I can’t get into my office.”
She didn’t meet my eyes. “I’m sorry, Doctor, but I’m supposed to call security if you try to report in today.”
“Security?”
She steadfastly cast her gaze around, anywhere but at my face. “Yes, they told me to call, but I’d rather not. If you leave, I can just pretend I didn’t see you here.”
I leaned back and scanned the halls. Then lowered my voice. “There is no one here. The patients are all still asleep. Tell me what’s going on, please.”
She finally looked up into my face. “Let me walk you to your car, and I’ll tell you what they told us when they did a security briefing last night.”
I stepped back from the desk. Kory lay asleep a few feet down the hall. All I wanted to do was go to her, climb in bed, wrap her in my arms, and pretend none of this ever happened. I waited for her to gather her jacket, keys, and ID before preceding me to the stairwell that would exit straight to the parking lot. She walked quickly, and I had to rush up to her side.
“What’s going on?”
She scanned her badge to let us out, and the flush purple light of dawn surrounded us as we walked. “All I know is that they said you were fired for misconduct, and that if you returned to the building, you were supposed to be reported to security.”
I stopped and put my hand on her arm to still her too. “I wasn’t told about any of this. Can they fire someone if that person doesn’t even know about it?” I threw in a smile for good measure, but she wasn’t having it.
She sped off toward my car again. One of the few in the lot. “Please. I’m sorry for trying to make light of it. I honestly don’t know what’s going on, but I promise I’ll figure it out.”
She stopped at my car and waved toward the door. “Have a good day, Doctor.”
Before I could say anything, she spun around and marched straight back toward the building. Another flare of guilt, but I squashed it. Right now, an old friend and I needed to have a conversation.
I got to Mo’s paper just as he was getting out of the old Volvo he’d had for a decade. I cornered him before he could scurry into the building. “Explain to me, Mo, how I get fired the day after I gave you this story and explain to you why I need to keep my name out of it?”
He switched his briefcase to his other hand and peered around the slowly filling parking lot nervously. “Look man. My boss almost fired me, and threatened to if I pursued the story anymore.”
“But to hell with me, right? As long as you keep your job.”
He huffed. “It wasn’t like that.”
“What about journalistic integrity? You used to be filled with it when we were in school. Now, you’d rather save your own skin rather than put the truth out there for the world.”
Sadness entered his eyes now. “Yeah. I had a lot less to lose back then.”
He shoved away from his car toward the building. “I’m sorry, and I hope you get the help you need to do whatever it is you are doing.”
I watched him walk away, and for a moment, I regretted not going to Donny. If I lost my job anyway, what could Donny take that might be worse than losing my career and Kory at the same time?
Waffling on Donny meant I wasn’t ready for that choice yet. I got back in my car and went home. A home covered in a fine sheen of dust. A place I never really lived in, not like I did in the tiny cell with Kory in my arms. It still felt so wrong to be outside, be free, with her stuck in the hospital. I couldn’t give up on her, not when she was already giving up on herself.
I moved random things around my dull beige apartment until the restlessness started to eat at me. I needed to see her, warn her, inspire her to keep fighting since obviously protecting me shouldn’t be her priority anymore. I didn’t want her to risk everything when I’d already lost everything I valued.
I grabbed my keys, climbed in my car, and headed back to the hospital. At the very least, I could see her, even if only for a second. Look into her eyes and find my center again. I needed her unlike I’d needed anyone in my life. It scared me and invigorated me. I lived for the feeling of her hands on my skin.
How had things devolved so thoroughly? How did I have so little lack of control, I couldn’t get Kory free before I’d gotten myself kicked out of the hospital? She was stuck there all alone now, with no one to help her. After I promised. I promised to help her, and my failure ate away at my insides like acid.
I held her face in my mind as I entered the parking lot and parked at the far corner. I’d already been escorted out once, and I had no security badge. No doubt the nurses would be on the lookout for me to come back. Minthe might have warned them, or kept her word and pretended she didn’t see me. I couldn’t know until I tried.
I squared my shoulders and went into the building with my breath held. No one approached me, and I climbed the stairs quickly. I reached the landing, and as if by magic, two men entered the stairwell and blocked my way. “Hey guys,” I tried. “Can I help you?”
“You are going to have leave, sir. You don’t have the credentials to be here.”
Considering the hospital didn’t hire these two thugs, they weren’t supposed to be here either. They looked like Demeter had sourced them from some kind of hulking wrestling convention. “And you gentlemen are?”
They stepped forward, effectively pushing me down a step. I gripped the railing and held my ground as they tried to force me back with their collective bulk.
“We are Ms. Sito’s private security. Senator Sito decided to hire security for her daughter as she comes into the s
potlight for her presidential run. Now please, sir, please leave before we call the police.”
I didn’t want jail time to be heaped on top of the shittastik day I was having. “I’ll go.” I wished I could have gotten onto the floor. Seen her face at least.
They followed me all the way down the stairs and out to the parking lot. Only turned around when I began to back out of the parking space. As I made it to the freeway, my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize. For a second, I thought maybe it was Kory.
“Hello?”
“Doctor Plouton?”
I didn’t recognize the voice. “This is he.”
“I’m calling on behalf of the State Medical Board of Ethics. Allegations have been made against you, and I am calling to inform you that there will be an investigation. Your license to practice medicine is suspended until the investigation has been concluded. Do you understand?”
My lungs felt like they’d collapsed into my diaphragm. It wasn’t like I didn’t consider this was a possibility, but it was still a kick in the stomach. “Yes. I understand what you are telling me.”
“Goodnight, Doctor.”
His tone said I had everything to worry about in this situation. No doubt the investigation would reveal my relationship with Kory. Demeter would be sure of it the second she called the board in the first place.
What did I do now? I’d spent my life and thousands of dollars to become a doctor. If I didn’t practice, what could I do with myself?
I had a savings I’d built since I got my first job out of med school. It would last me for a while, but certainly not long enough to develop an entirely new life plan and enact it. Why didn’t I come up with a plan for the inevitable? Plans made me feel grounded and safe. Somewhere between Kory’s sheets and my office, I’d lost that part of myself.
When it came down to it, I’d put myself in this situation. Demeter might have helped spur things along, but she isn’t the one who caused me to sleep with a patient before she was transferred from my care, regardless of my excuses to myself. She isn’t the one who caused me to fall in love with her daughter.
Deranged: Twisted Myths Book One Page 10