by Bella Jewel
My face aches.
My body aches.
My hands ache.
I’ve had enough.
I stop fighting.
I drop my hands, and say, “If you want to hurt me, Slater. Hurt me. I deserve it. Because I am sorry, you think I say it and I don’t mean it, but I do, I do fuckin’ mean it. With every single inch of my body, my heart, my soul, I mean it. I fucked up. I didn’t do it intentionally, but I did it all the same. I can’t take that back. Fuck, I wish I could, do you have any idea how much I wish I could. But, what’s done is done, and for what it’s worth, from the very bottom of my heart, I’m sorry. So fuckin’ sorry.”
He pauses, fist midair, ready to throw at me, but at my words, he lowers it. And then, he steps forward, and I brace for an attack, but he doesn’t give me one. He grabs my shoulders, and then jerks me close to him, hugging me.
Through everything, Slater and I never hugged. Hell, we were both too proud.
But, not now.
Now, it’s time to let it go.
“I’m sorry too, Lincoln.”
Fuck.
I give him a hard, rough hug and then step back.
“Gotta move forward,” I tell him.
“Yeah,” he nods. “Gotta move forward.”
And just like that, we leave the past exactly where it belongs.
In the fucking past.
~15~
NOW – SHANIA
“You’re an idiot, Lincoln Knight,” I murmur, wiping Lincoln’s hands with a warm wet washer.
He’s a mess. Blood everywhere. Busted up face. Sore bruised body. Hands that are all swollen and sore. Damon called me tonight, telling me to go to Lincoln’s place because he needed assistance and he didn’t think he’d accept it from anyone else. Confused, I stopped what I was doing, which was watching Supernatural with Lucy, and drove straight over.
There I found Lincoln an absolute mess.
Damon told me him and Slater got into a fight, a big fight, but it had to happen.
He said Slater looks just as bad, but the guy Lincoln insisted on fighting before Slater, is even worse.
He looks terrible, and no doubt when he wakes in the morning he’s going to feel terrible. Hell, I’m still feeling sorry for myself over a black eye, because damn that hurt, but Lincoln is covered in wounds, battle scars, broken pieces.
Poor guy.
“Yeah,” Lincoln mutters at my words, and stares down at his hands as I try very hard to clean them up so I can put some ice on them.
Then I’ve got to move to that face. That bloodied face. Swollen lip, black eye, busted pieces of skin.
Idiot.
“What happened?” I ask, finishing up with one hand and moving to the next.
“You already know, heard Damon tell you.”
“I’m not asking for Damon’s version, I’m asking for yours.”
“And why should I tell you?” he growls, and he’s angry still, I can feel it. “You don’t tell me fuck all.”
I give him a look. “Don’t tell me then, I’m not going to force you. But don’t be a dick about it. If you don’t want to, then don’t. End of story.”
He exhales, slightly wincing when I move over a very swollen knuckle, and then mutters, “Been a long time comin’.”
I don’t say anything.
I just listen.
If he wants to tell me more, he can. But I won’t force him, because he’s right, I chose not to tell him my story, and I certainly didn’t like people pushing me to.
“After our mom died, our dad became a drunk,” Lincoln tells me, some of this I already know, but I want to know deeper details. “He was fuckin’ broken, ruined, wastin’ away. I wanted to put him into rehab. Slater didn’t. And so started the fuckin’ chain of clashin’ between us. I got my way, Dad went to rehab, but I couldn’t pay the bills. I started dealin’ drugs. Fucked it up. Got into trouble. Slater jumped in to pull me out of trouble and got into trouble himself. Causing Ellie to be taken. Chain reaction. I started it, Slater finished it. We both held a fuck load of guilt over what happened to her.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I say, because I am. I honestly am. That sucks. It sucks for all of them because they’re all living with that guilt, and even though it was an awful situation, they had good intentions. They were trying to help family.
They’re close. They’re right. They’re not the kind of people who would intentionally hurt someone they loved.
I know that, and I’ve only known them for a little while.
“Can’t be changed, but it has been eatin’ at us for a long time. Tonight, we ended that.”
Makes sense, and I honestly can’t judge them for it.
Men have their own way of dealing with things, and this is how they best felt to deal with their situation. And it probably worked. They’re going to be sore and sorry for it, but they got it out, they dealt with it, and now maybe they can move on together without the guilt and anger hanging over their heads.
“I hope it’s all over for you, because you guys, you’re lucky to have each other. It would be a shame to let the past eat away at the bond you’ve all created.”
Lincoln looks to me, holding my eyes. “Lived with guilt for so long I just don’t have the strength to live with it anymore. I’m so fuckin’ tired it hurts.”
Those words hit me right in the heart, because I do feel for him. Living with that, knowing you ruined your brother’s life, that would have been hard. God, no, it would have been awful. Nobody deserves that.
I find myself cupping his jaw, looking into his eyes. “Ellie is home now. She’s okay now. Yes, she’s had a lot to deal with, but she’s alive, and she’s here, and the past can’t be changed. You don’t deserve to suffer forever, Lincoln.”
“No,” he says, still holding my eyes, “No, I don’t.”
I smile at him, as kindly as I can. He doesn’t return it, but his eyes soften. I let him go and keep cleaning him up.
He exhales, loudly, and then murmurs, “Fuck, I gotta tell you something.”
I look up at him, finishing up with his final hand and say, “Just let me fetch a clean bowl of water. Then you can tell me.”
I empty the water and get a clean, fresh bowl, and then I walk back into the living room where he’s sitting. I’m not sure I liked the tone in which he just told me has something I need to know. Because it makes me nervous. What if it’s bad? What if it’s news that I really don’t want to hear? What if … What if Nicolai is gone? Something has happened to him? Worse? And they’re all too scared to tell me.
Taking a deep breath, I sit down, calm myself, and get to work cleaning his face. Then, and only then, I say, “Okay, what is it?”
He hesitates for a moment, as if he’s honestly not sure how to tell me what he’s about to tell me.
“Found Nicolai.”
I pull back, staring at him. So many things go through my mind in that moment. So many things. Is he okay? Where does he live? I want to know everything, absolutely everything, but instead, I keep my cool, taking deep breaths to stop myself from freaking out. I knew they were looking for Yana in hopes of finding Nicolai; I didn’t realize they’d come so close to Nicolai.
“I thought … I didn’t think you had anything to go on,” I say, my voice is shaky, but I can’t stop it.
I’ve waited for this moment for so damned long.
“Well, we didn’t. So we went lookin’ for this Yana bird. Followed her home. Turns out she’s livin’ with Nicolai. Didn’t think it would be so easy, but there you have it. It was.”
My head spins.
No.
No.
Fucking no.
“They’re living together?” I wheeze out, chest constricting, heart racing, mind swimming. “But …”
Lincoln studies me, frowning. “You okay? You don’t look good.”
“Are you sure they’re living together?” I say, my voice a little snappier than I’d like.
But I need to kno
w.
I need to know now.
“As far as we can tell, yes. They’ve even got a kid together. Pretty certain they’re together.”
No.
My mind spins so rapidly I drop the cloth in my hand and stumble backward, heart aching, body tense. This can’t be happening. It can’t be. No. Why would he do that? Why would he go to her? Why would they be a couple? Why would he do this to me? Why? Of all the million people in the world, why in the ever loving hell would he choose to be with Yana?
Tears are streaming down my face.
I can’t breathe.
I’m going to pass out.
I start stammering quickly, “What’s the address? What is it?”
“Shania, you’re scarin’ me.”
Lincoln is on his feet now.
“Please,” I beg. “Please, tell me the address.”
“Don’t know that’s a good idea when you’re like this. You don’t look like you’re dealin’.”
“Tell me!” I scream. “God dammit, Lincoln, tell me.”
He grabs my shoulders, grounding me just a little, shaking me a little more. He growls at me to look at him and doesn’t ease his hold on me until I do.
When my eyes meet his, he releases his grip just a little, and says, “You’re actin’ crazy. You’re not goin’ to do anyone any good goin’ in there like this. So, until you calm down, I will not tell you that address.”
“You have no right to keep it from me,” I stammer. “Please, it’s important. I need to go. Right now …”
“Why? Tell me why? Give me one good fuckin’ reason why you’re goin’ to run to a man and his woman’s house late at night, and bother them, disturb their night, their child’s night. Give me a good fuckin’ reason, Shania?”
“Because that isn’t their child!” I scream, so loudly I swear I feel him flinch. “It’s my fucking child. That is my child, Lincoln.”
Lincoln stares at me. I’m panting. His expression is blank.
“That’s my baby, and I want him back.”
~*~*~*~
THEN – SHANIA
I’m so fucking stupid.
I could say it a thousand times over, and it still wouldn’t sink in. But it’s true. I’m stupid. Everything I’ve done is stupid. Everything I’ve tried is stupid.
Nicolai.
Me.
Yana.
After he found me in the club a few months ago, talking to Jack, he decided he wanted me a little more. Stupid me fell for it, and we had sex, oh, so much sex. Every day I’d come in here, and he’d fuck me, or make love to me, and confuse my mind even more. Every day I’d convince myself it was because he cared about me, and wanted to be with me, otherwise he’d just take anyone else.
He even stopped sleeping with other women.
It was just him and me.
And I made sure I was always available. I was always well dressed. I put on whatever show he wanted. I gave him whatever he wanted. Because I was so damned sure that we had something, that there was something between us worth exploring. He called me. We texted. There was something. I became infatuated with him, only to find I was so very, very wrong.
Nicolai was sleeping with me. End of story. That’s it. Nothing more.
Things have gone from bad to worse. Yana caught us sleeping together, lost her mind and tried to hurt me, so Nicolai fired her. That was the last time I saw or heard from her. I kept my job, convinced that now Yana was gone, Nicolai and I would become official, maybe go out on some dates.
When I asked him this, he flat out told me it was never going to happen.
Never going to happen.
Then he stopped sleeping with me. He just stopped all contact. He told me I was reading it wrong. That he was just having fun. He was just fucking me. Like he fucked plenty of other girls. That he was sorry, but it was absolutely nothing more than that. And he had no feelings for me.
Can you believe?
Reading it wrong.
I was reading it wrong.
And his words …I’m utterly heartbroken.
I’ve tried everything, I’ve tried to seduce him, make him jealous, you name it. I’ve cried. Told him I loved him. And all I’ve done is push him further and further away. And in turn, that has made me feel even more desperate, even more hurt, even more pathetic. Slowly but surely, I’ve sunk myself into a deep hole. I feel so utterly stupid. And with each passing day, I realize just how much he doesn’t want me.
And reality hits hard.
It’ll never happen.
And I’ve let myself go and develop some fake feelings for him, because everything I thought was wrong, which means my feelings aren’t even real. They’re empty. They’re broken. They’re not anything. Nothing.
I caved and told Lucy, and she told me I had to quit. I couldn’t be there any longer. She’s right. So that’s exactly what I did.
I quit.
I left the job.
And you know what? He didn’t call. Not once.
Not to check how I am.
Not to see if I’m getting by.
Not even to just be there as a friend, knowing that I was so hurt over the whole thing.
My heart is broken.
And every single day that passes, I feel even more pathetic and empty.
Depression is real.
I failed my sister.
I failed my friends.
And I failed myself.
I became obsessed with a man that I shouldn’t have even had anything to do with. And through this, witnessed my first heartbreak. But it gets worse.
Oh.
So much worse.
I’m here, standing outside of Nicolai’s office at the club, tear-streaked face, mascara running, looking utterly ridiculous. But I have to be here. I have to speak with him. Even though I know he’s going to just hate me forever when he knows what I have to tell him. He already told me I needed help, that I was obsessed and needed to leave him alone.
How could I be so brainless? As to become so infatuated with a man and not realize what I was doing?
Not even my age can really justify it.
I raise a hand and bang on the door, once, twice, and then drop them by my side.
A moment later, Nicolai appears. He looks at me, and I can see his face immediately become hard. He opens his mouth and demands, “I’ve told you I don’t wish to see you, Shania. I’m not sure why you’re here?”
“I need to speak with you. It’s important. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.”
“Not to be rude, but you’ve told me that before, over and over. You need to go and get some help. I’m sorry things got out of control like this, honestly, I am. I didn’t realize you’d get so … attached.”
Hurt, I glare at him. “I’m an eighteen-year-old girl, you knew I had a crush on you, you took my virginity and then continued to sleep with me. Did you honestly think nothing would happen?”
“I’m a man,” he grinds out. “Men sleep with women. You were practically throwing yourself at me. What did you want me to do, Shania? Say no? I mean, fuck, looking back I should have said no. But you’re not the first stripper I’ve slept with, and you won’t be the last.”
That hits me like a slap to the face.
How dare he.
How. Dare. He.
He’s acting like … like I’m just another notch in his belt.
God dammit.
I probably am.
I fight back the tears, refusing to let him see anymore.
“I read it wrong, I understand,” I grind out. “But you didn’t exactly make things clear.”
“You’re not experienced with men, if you were, you would have known I didn’t have to make it clear.”
“And you knew that I wasn’t experienced coming into it!” I snap. “So don’t sit back and put all the blame on me.”
He shakes his head. “You need to leave, Shania. Honestly. This is getting out of control.”
“I haven’t spoken to you in weeks, I’ve
left you alone, I’ve learned my lesson. I get it, okay. I don’t want anything from you anymore. But like I said, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have something important to tell you.”
He stares at me and then shakes his head, frustrated, and says, “This better not be another one of your tricks, because fuck, you’ve driven me far enough up the wall.”
He’s just making me feel even more stupid about how I’ve acted. As if I don’t already beat myself up enough, he goes ahead and adds to it. I know I called too many times, text too many times, came here too many times, begged too many times. I know what I did. I feel so damned stupid for it.
“It isn’t a trick. It isn’t a game. In fact, I knew you’d say that, so I bought some stuff in with me, so I can prove it.”
“Prove what? What the hell are you talking about?”
I step into his office, bag clutched in my hand, stomach in my throat. I know what I’m about to tell him isn’t going to go down well. I know he’s going to freak out. I know he’s going to demand all sorts of things. I’ve already made my mind up what I’m going to do. I already know. But he has a right to know, and that’s the only reason I’m here.
I turn to him and he closes the door behind him. “Well, what is it?”
I take a deep breath, look him in the eyes, and say, “I’m pregnant, Nicolai. And it’s yours.”
~16~
NOW – SHANIA
“Shania, honey, breathe.”
Lucy is kneeling in front of me, my hands in hers, squeezing tightly.
Scarlett and Ellie are sitting beside me, because Slater called in a little extra help after I lost it.
They don’t understand. No one does. Nobody except Lucy. She knows, god, she knows just how it feels for me to find out my child is living with Yana. Yana. Fucking Yana. A child that was taken away from me, without choice. A child I’ve only held in my arms for a matter of minutes. A child that should be with me, not her.
Has she raised him?
Has she been the mother he was snatched from?
Has Nicolai managed to crush my soul even more?
“I can’t,” I tell Lucy, panting with such emotion I can barely think straight. My head is spinning. My whole body a broken mess. “She’s raising my child.”