by Bella Jewel
“Is that why you sent that man around here? To get rid of me?”
She waves a hand. “He was harmless.”
“No, Yana, he wasn’t. Look, you can’t control this situation. Tommy is my son, and Nicolai’s son. Which means we’re going to have to work together to raise him. Nothing you can say or do is going to get me out of the picture. I’m not letting my son slip away again.”
Her face gets red, and she clenches her jaw. “You honestly think Nicolai is going to just let you in to do as you wish? He’s being nice to you, for now. But the truth is, if he really wanted you in the picture, he would have found you earlier. Did you ever consider that? He’s known where you’ve been this whole time. He knows you partially own that café. He knows where you are, and what you’re doing.”
He does?
My chest clenches, and the rage that I’m working so heavily to suppress, raises its ugly head. Nicolai knowing where I’ve been this entire time, changes everything. Because if that’s true, then he possibly knows I was looking for him. If that’s true, then he’s kept my son away from me, without even trying to help me out. If I hadn’t found him, would he have ever let me see him? Tried to find me?
No.
The cold, hard answer…is no.
I grit my teeth, and say to Yana, “You need to leave, I have absolutely nothing to discuss with you. If Nicolai and I wish to discuss our son, it’s between us. Now, I’d appreciate you leaving me alone.”
“I’m not going to sit back and just take this,” she tells me, voice stern. “I’m carrying his baby now, and I don’t like you. That’s my family you’re trying to stomp in and ruin, and I won’t have it.”
“Your family?” I laugh bitterly. “No, Yana, they’ve never been your family.”
“Tommy adores me, he thinks I’m his mommy. He doesn’t know who you are, Shania. Leave it that way.”
Those words are soul crushing. The idea that my son could even look at Yana and think anything good about her, makes me want to cry. Not because it would be his fault, but because if that’s the case, then Nicolai decided she was more important in his life, than I was. Which means she’s probably very right.
He was never going to try and find me.
He was probably going to create a family with her.
And that hurts like hell.
Because dammit, that’s my son.
And I won’t lose him again.
~*~*~*~
NOW – SHANIA
I’m angry.
And I’m trying so damned hard not to be.
So damned hard.
But damn it, I am.
I’m outside Nicolai’s door, trying to keep my cool, but mostly, trying to convince myself not to make a scene. Making a scene is going to do nothing but cause problems, and we don’t have time for problems.
Not when Tommy is involved.
But he needs to know what Yana is doing. He needs to know that she’s causing problems. And I need to know if he’s known where I’ve been this whole time. I need, more than anything, to know that. Because if he’s known, and he still chose to keep my baby away from me…I’m going to be pissed. To say the least.
Because he had no right.
I bang on the front door and wait.
A few minutes later, it opens and Nicolai appears. He looks shocked, and immediately turns around. And I can hear it. The tiny, handsome little voice that says, “Daddy!”
My son.
I bite my lip, desperately wanting to shove Nicolai to the side, and lay my eyes on my sweet boy. I want to see his face. Smell his hair. Hold him in my arms. But I’m also not silly enough to just fling myself onto him. He won’t know who I am, and I don’t want to confuse him. So, I say, in the calmest voice I can, “I’m not meant to be here, I know. But we need to talk.”
Nicolai looks pissed, but he nods and says, “Go wait at your car, give me five.”
I do as he asks, turning with great force, and walking back to my car and waiting. I lean my back against the door, wondering what he’s saying to Tommy right now. Is he telling him he’ll be back in a moment? That he needs to sit and watch television? My heart aches.
It burns.
Nicolai appears a few minutes later, striding towards me. He’s angry. I can see he’s angry. Well good, so am I. So fucking angry.
“What the hell are you doing here, Shania? I told you, fuckin’ told you, that I would call you. I told you I didn’t want you just turning up. So, tell me, why the fuck you’re here?”
“First of all,” I say, my voice calm, even though inside I want to scream and rip his damned eyes out, “I’m here because I have a fucking right to be, Nicolai. And you know it. I had a visit from your so called ‘friend’ Yana. I’m not happy about the things she told me.”
He exhales, running his hands through his hair. “Yana is fuckin’ crazy, Shania. I didn’t know she’d come to see you.”
“Well, she did. And she told me she’s pregnant with your baby.”
“She’s not,” he barks, “because I haven’t fucked her. Yana has lost it, and she’s trying everything she can to get back with me. She’s also trying very fuckin’ hard to get rid of you.”
“I’m fully aware of that,” I snap. “Because she told me a lot of crap, Nicolai. Crap I didn’t like. And honestly, it’s so hard for me after everything that has happened, to know if she’s lying.”
He growls low, and leans in close, “I don’t care what you think, Shania. I’m not lyin’. That woman has lost her marbles, and you can either believe it, or not.”
“So, you didn’t know where I was this whole time?”
“Yes, I did.”
Ouch. That hits me like a slap to the face.
“What?” I whisper hiss.
“Of course I kept a fuckin’ eye on you. You’re the mother of my child, I wanted to make sure you were okay. No, I didn’t come and approach you, because, honestly, I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to have a fight with you, Shania. I knew, at least, I thought I knew, that’s what would happen. I knew if we got into it, you’d probably win, and my baby would be taken from me. I can’t live with that.”
Fuck.
I can hardly argue with him about that. Because dammit, I probably would have done the same.
“I can understand that,” I say, my voice a little less pissed. “But, you could have at least tried to talk to me.”
“No, I couldn’t. I didn’t trust your reaction. Last time we spoke, we wanted to kill each other, the hatred was that strong. I didn’t know after what I did to you, how you’d be. When you came here, I saw that you were okay, that you were willing to put him first, and it changed things.”
“I would have had a right to be angry at you, Nicolai,” I say, holding his eyes. “Hell, I still have a right to hate you, if it made me feel better.”
“You’re right, you do, but we both fucked up. Both of us. We can either hang onto it, or we can let it go and be good parents. I know which I’d rather choose. Because believe it or not, that little boy in there, is the best thing to ever happen to me. I’d rather die than to lose him. So, if that means my pride gets set aside, so be it.”
Dammit.
Nicolai has matured.
Well, to be fair, he’s always been mature. I was the brat. Not him.
He was always cool headed and smart. He treated me the way I probably deserved to be treated, considering how I acted.
I can’t fully blame him for that.
“I understand. But Yana is a problem for me, Nicolai. I don’t like her. I don’t trust her. She’s done nothing but cause problems for me. I don’t honestly want her near our son. I know that’s not my choice, but I really hope you understand it from my point of view, too.”
He nods, crossing his arms. “Get it, really fuckin’ do. I thought she was okay. We ran into each other, and she seemed like she had matured. But, turns out she hasn’t. Her and I got into it last night, when she tried to tell me lies about you, and told me she w
ants to raise our son and wants you gone. She got clingy. She’s not pregnant, and if she is, it ain’t fuckin’ mine.”
Should I believe him?
I hold his eyes.
And I know the answer to that.
It isn’t about whether or not I trust, or like, Nicolai.
It’s about the love he has for our son. I can’t deny that. I can see it in his eyes when he talks about him. He wouldn’t hurt Tommy, which means, I have no choice but to believe him over Yana. Because, at the very least, I know he’s the most likely to be telling the truth. For that very reason.
“Okay,” I say. “I’m sorry to have come here. I guess I overreacted. It won’t happen again.”
Nicolai studies me. “It’s okay. Look, you’ve waited long enough. Did you want to come in and meet Tommy?”
My whole world feels like it comes to a stop. This moment, this moment is one that I’ve waited for, for every single second. I’ve dreamt about it. I’ve thought about it with nearly every waking second. That boy, he’s the only thing that has kept me on my feet. And now I’m going to get to see him, to look into his eyes, to see the beauty we created.
My heart is racing.
My whole body is on high alert.
I want this more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.
“Okay,” I whisper. “Yes.”
“Just…let’s take it slow, okay? I’m not going to throw you in there and tell him who you are. Slowly, maybe every day, you can come over and we’ll get you involved in his life. And eventually, I think he’s going to know who you are, and we can work out some sort of joint agreement.”
That sounds absolutely fine to me.
“I’ll go with whatever you want, Nicolai. You’re the one who has taken care of him.”
Nicolai looks shocked, but also relieved at my words. Then he nods, and we turn and walk towards the house. I can barely breathe. With every step, I feel like my heart is going to stop it’s pounding that hard. I need to keep it together. I don’t want to scare my son away. I just want him to remember me in a positive light.
When we walk through the front door to Nicolai’s house, I actually think I might pass out from the nerves. But I keep it together.
I keep it together when Nicolai calls his name.
I keep it together when he stands and comes running over.
I keep it together when the most beautiful little boy looks up at me, and says hello.
I keep it together when I see he has my freckles on his nose, but otherwise he is the spitting image of Nicolai. I couldn’t be happier with that.
I keep it together when he takes my hand, and tells me to look at his truck.
I keep it together when I get to smell his hair as he leans down to play with his toy.
I keep it together.
Because my baby is home.
~19~
NOW – SHANIA
I’m so happy.
So damned happy.
And the only person I want to see, is Lincoln.
So, I drive to his garage. I want to tell him all about Tommy, and how sweet he is, and how Nicolai is going to let me see him every day, and how everything is so fucking perfect because of him. I want him to know that his involvement in this, will never be forgotten. I want him to know just how much it all means to me.
More than anything, I just want him to know how I feel.
I’ve hidden long enough.
I want him to know that I care about him, that I have feelings for him, and I want to see where they lead.
Yeah, I want him to know that.
If he doesn’t want the same thing, it’s going to suck big hairy balls, but I’m not going to let anything bring me down again.
Because, I have my baby back.
I reach Rumblin’ Knights, and go inside. Nobody is at the counter, so I wait a few minutes. Indiana mustn’t be working today. I wait a few more seconds, and then push through the office door, and into the big garage out the back. I’m so excited to see Lincoln, I honestly hope he doesn’t mind me coming over.
When I get out back, I look around but it seems to be very quiet. I know it’s after hours and all, but I figured Lincoln would be here, he’s always here. Unless he’s already at his fighting club. Frowning, I walk further in and stop when I see two figures leaning against one of the cars at the back. I narrow my eyes, and then gasp when I realize who it is.
Finn and Indiana.
He’s got her back pressed against the car, her leg up around his waist, and he’s fucking her. Slow, really slow. She’s whimpering, and clutching his shoulders. He’s just watching her. This intense look on his face. One that says he’s relishing in how he’s making her feel right now. I bite my lip and try to look away, but I can’t…I just can’t.
Isn’t Finn seeing Erin?
At least, that’s what I thought?
And wasn’t Indiana interested in Lincoln? I mean sure, he clearly wasn’t going to give her what she wanted, so did she just move onto Finn because he was the next best thing?
It’s none of my business.
I turn and rush out as silently as I can, not wanting them to ever know I was here.
Lincoln isn’t here, I’ll call him later and tell him the good news. For now, I text Ellie and see what she’s up to. Then, I do the drive over to her house. I’m so excited. I need to tell someone. When I get there, Charlie, Erin and Saskia are here, too. All of them kicking back on the porch, drinking and chatting.
“Hey girl!” Saskia calls when I walk in.
“Hey,” I smile at her. “How’s things?”
“Awesome!”
I wave to everyone, and Ellie goes inside to make me a drink.
“What’s been happening?” Erin asks.
She is so beautiful. And so nice.
I really hope Finn and her aren’t serious. I really hope he’s not that kind of man, because that would be really really sad.
“I just came back from seeing my son for the first time since I had him.”
There is a lot of screaming, yelling, hugging and happy vibes after I tell them that. I pretty much burn their ears off from telling them just how gorgeous Tommy is, and how sweet, and how everything is just perfect. I tell him I’m going to be in his life now, and it feels amazing. They’re happy for me. Of course they are. It’s such happy news.
“I can’t stop smiling,” Ellie tells me, beaming. “I’m so happy for you, Shania!”
“Thanks Ellie, same…”
“Yeah, it’s awesome news,” Saskia grins.
“What were you girls chatting about before I got here?” I ask, after we’re finished talking about my adorable son, and I’ve got an ice-cold drink in my hand.
I haven’t felt this good in…gosh, forever.
Such a long time.
I’m loving it.
Life finally feels like it’s coming together.
“We were chatting men, as always,” Saskia laughs.
“Something different,” I giggle.
“How are you and Lincoln?” Ellie asks, wiggling her brows.
“We’re…I don’t know. He spends most nights with me, he calls me, we hang out. I feel like we’re something, but he’s not said anything. I’m just taking it how it comes. But, I really like him. I could see myself with him, you know? Which is surprising considering how much he hated each other at the start.”
“He’s super fine,” Erin nods. “I’d marry him if you didn’t.”
I laugh, and then dare to say, “You have a Knight of your own, no?”
Erin flushes, and then shrugs, “Yeah, I mean, we were just talking about Finn.”
My heart races. Dammit. I really hope she tells me there is nothing between them, and it just isn’t going to work out, because if there is something between them, it’s going to suck big time having to tell her about Indiana.
Would it even be my place to tell her?
Dammit, I don’t know.
“How are things going there?�
�� I ask, sipping my drink again.
“Good, I mean, we just started out…you know…enjoying each other to put it mildly. But then he started calling and texting more, and we hung out a few times. I don’t know…it feels like it’s going somewhere, you know? He hasn’t said anything, but he’s showing me all the signs of being into me. But, I could be wrong. Either way, we’re going away for the night tomorrow night. He has a friend who wants to fight for Lincoln, so he’s going to see him, spend the night, and bring his friend back. He asked if I wanted to come.”
Oh no.
No. Finn. Dammit.
Why? Why did you have to be one of them?
The men that use women.
He just didn’t seem like the type. He honestly didn’t.
It hurts me that he is, because it’s clear Erin likes him. It’s also clear he’s been giving her all the signals he likes her, only he hasn’t meant them.
Should I tell her?
Should I let her figure it out for herself?
I don’t know what to do here.
I really don’t.
I mean, in the grand scheme of things, Finn hasn’t committed to Erin. That means technically, he doesn’t actually have to see her and only her. After all, he could be keeping his options open. But still, I just didn’t think he’d be secretive about it. I thought maybe he’d open up and just tell her they’re not exclusive, and that he is seeing other women, too.
Is he telling Indiana the same things?
Because hell, she’s a nice girl, too.
I really like her.
“You look troubled by something?” Erin says, studying me.
I exhale.
Dang it.
I know that I’d want to know if I was in her shoes, so I’m going to go with my gut on this one. To a point, anyway.
“Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this, I really wish I didn’t have to,” I say, crossing my ankles, and trying to think of the best words to use, “But, I just went to Lincoln’s garage, and I saw Finn and Indiana, ah…making out.”
I’m not going to tell her Finn was balls deep. Literally.
She doesn’t need that.