by Bella Jewel
Because I am addicted to them.
Not in a literal sense, I suppose there simply is no real addiction to women.
But sex.
There is an addiction to sex, and I have it.
I don’t do relationships, because it would take a one of a kind woman to keep up with me. I’m not a cheater. I’m not immoral. Which is why I don’t bother with relationships. If I’m not in one, I don’t have to explain my addiction and I don’t have to expect a woman to keep up. It’s better to be single. Better to just fuck and fuck hard.
No strings attached.
Besides, I’ve never met a woman I’ve wanted enough to even try.
I don’t look.
And then I met Erin.
Fucking Erin.
I don’t know what it is about her, but she has the power to turn my head. And not just because I want to fuck her, but because she has something about her, strength, determination, beauty, drive, she doesn’t take my shit. She doesn’t chase me. She doesn’t throw herself all over me. She’s a woman of her own, and I can’t seem to stay away from her.
And then there is Indi.
Just a fuck, if I’m being honest. Sweet girl, like her, but she’s never going to be more than that to me.
Hell, neither is Erin in all reality.
I’ve got issues, big fucking issues.
I’m not stupid. I don’t need to be reminded of this. I know it. I’ve never denied it. But the problem is what people think my issue is, is entirely different to my actual issue. I’ve always been the youngest, the one who sat back and watched it all. Who said nothing. Who took it all in. I saw what they thought I didn’t see. I picked up the pieces behind closed doors.
I watched our world crumble at the hands of Lincoln and Slater.
I watched Damon laugh it off.
I watched Dad get taken to rehab and eventually die.
I watched Mom go.
I watched it all.
And every night that I close my eyes, I watch it all again.
Like a damned nightmare.
A nightmare that spiraled my whole life out of control.
Hot cum spurts out across my bare belly, and I growl with my release. I pump my cock until I’ve drained every last drop. Twice a day. I relieve myself twice a day. Either with a woman’s pussy or my hand, either way, it has to be done. I can’t function without it.
It’s fucked. I know it’s fucked.
But so is life, isn’t it?
Just got to deal.
~*~*~*~
I stare at Erin, who is currently throwing her head back and laughing at some fucking tanned douchebag who has been progressively getting closer and closer to her with every passing second. He’s also purchased her two drinks, yeah, I’m fucking counting. Don’t know why I’m counting. We’re just fuck buddies, at least, that’s how I see it. Shouldn’t give a fuck if she’s with someone else.
And yet, I don’t fucking like it.
Not at all.
I grit my teeth, looking away. If I have to stare at her tits bouncing in that bikini for a second more I’ll lose my shit. I focus on Indi who is walking over to me, cheeks flushed, smiling. She looks happy. Hell, she is happy. She’s a nice woman, from what I know of her. But, if I’m being honest, she does nothing more for me than bring me relief. She’s gorgeous, but she isn’t for me. I’ve gone out with her a few times, just to try something different, but I just don’t feel it.
At all.
Probably time to cut her loose. Especially considering she’s looking at me like she wants more. She’s always hinting at wanting more. She’s not really getting the fact that it’s just sex clearly. She’s hanging onto hope that I’ll change my mind. I can see it in her eyes.
But, I definitely do not want more.
“Hey,” she says, taking a seat beside me and handing me a beer. Fuck, she got me a beer. See, good woman. I should have made things clearer with her. I thought I did when I said I was only lookin’ for sex, but then I agreed to go out with her when she invited me to dinner, and I paid, and I probably made it look like somethin’ it wasn’t.
Still, since then, I’ve mentioned more than once that it is just sex. She’s agreed, nodding.
Don’t think she believes it, though.
“Hey,” I murmur back. “Thanks for the beer.”
“You’re welcome. This island is incredible, isn’t it?”
I nod, can’t disagree with her there. It’s fucking lovely, and so are all the women currently walking around on it. Half-naked. Tanned bodies. Perfection. I look over to Erin again, just quickly. She’s still with that fuckin’ douchebag. What the fuck is this bothering me so much for? Fuck. I need to get my shit together.
What is it about Erin that keeps my eyes dragging back in her direction?
“It’s fuckin’ nice alright,” I say, looking back to Indi, who is staring at me intently.
She looks like she’s about to ask me something, or ask where this is going, or generally tell me something that’s going to be uncomfortable to get out of.
“How have you been, Finn? I haven’t spoken to you for a few days. I called a few times…”
See, this is why you don’t fuck women more than once unless you’re one hundred percent sure they are clear with it, which is very fuckin’ rare, let’s be real. They get the wrong idea. They’ll always tell you they’re cool with just sex, but they’re never cool with just sex. Never. Not fucking ever. Which is why breaking my own rules is going to come back and bite me in the ass. I know it. But fuck, it’s easier when I can just call on two, as much as I like, instead of going out and finding a new woman all the time.
Familiarity.
“I’m good. You?” I ask her, keeping my voice casual.
Please don’t fuckin’ bring this up now.
Not now.
“I’m good. It’s hard not to be when you’re at a place like this.”
“You’re right about that.”
“Finn …” Indi asks, pursing her lips.
Nice lips, too. Feel fucking great around my cock.
Fuck. Focus.
“Yeah?”
“What’s going on … with us?”
The question. The fucking dreaded question. No one wants to hear it. No one wants to answer it. How the fuck do you answer it, anyway? Tell them listen, you’re nothing more than a quick fuck, or you’re convenient because I don’t have to go out looking, or I’m just not into you like that … It’s fucked. Either way it goes, you hurt someone. And I might be a dick in a lot of ways, but my momma raised me better than to hurt people without cause. Which is exactly why I don’t usually sleep with women more than once. It keeps it simple. Nobody gets hurt.
Fucking rule breaking. It’ll teach me.
“Indi,” I begin, my voice rough from alcohol, lack of sleep, and frustration. Not at her, but at myself, “Not meanin’ to be a dick here, but I told you what this was …”
She bites her lip, and says, “Yeah, I know you did. But … I felt like we were getting closer, I mean, we were talking and stuff …We went to dinner…”
Fuck.
This is why you don’t talk to women. You be nice, which is what I am, instead of fucking them and leaving, but then suddenly you’re in love with them. At least, that’s how they see it. It’s very fucking hard to win this battle when it doesn’t matter what you do, someone is going to come out pissed.
“I’m not an asshole, Indi. Not goin’ to fuck you and then treat you like shit. Of course I’m goin’ to talk to you. I respect you. I like you. But I made it clear what this was. I don’t do relationships. Hell, I don’t even want to try. It’s the way I am. Made that clear, too.”
Indi frowns. “Yeah, I mean, I know you did but …”
Fucking but.
No.
No buts.
“Look,” I cut her off. “You’re a super chick. Fuckin’ sweet, and kind, and beautiful as hell. But I’m not lookin’ for anythin’. I thought you understood
that. We get along. You’re easy to talk to. But that’s all it is. You gotta know that.”
She looks hurt.
Fuck it.
“Are you seeing someone else?”
Her voice surprises me. It comes out like a whip. A jealous scold.
Didn’t think she had that in her.
God damn.
“I’m not seein’ anyone, but if I was, it wouldn’t be your concern. Once again, I made this clear.”
“Are you sleeping with someone else?”
Why does she have to ask me that? I don’t like fuckin’ lying.
“Not right now.”
It’s kind of true. Right now, right here, I’m not sleeping with anyone else. Will I be later? Who knows. I can’t answer the unknown.
“Are you going to?”
Jesus.
She’s not goin’ to stop.
“Indi,” I say, leaning in close, locking eyes with her, keeping my voice firm but kind. “This is not goin’ to be a thing. I like you, made that clear. We’re friends. Made that clear, too. But we are nothin’ more. You want to stay away from me, that’s your choice. I told you it was sex, and sex only. Can’t give you any more. Sorry you saw it different, but you’re not my type…”
She looks horrified and hurt by that, but I had to be honest. Furious, she stands up, shaking her head. “Then you should stop sending mixed signals, Finn Knight!” she snaps, storming off.
Great.
Now she fucking hates me. Which is the last thing I wanted.
I exhale and drink my beer a little too fast.
“Woman troubles,” Lincoln says, walking over and sitting beside me.
“Nope,” I mutter.
He snorts. “Don’t need to be hard all your life, Finn. You can talk to me.”
Fuck off I can.
Lincoln Knight isn’t someone you talk to. Hell, he and Slater only just had it out over the resentment they felt toward each other. Ten fucking years they’ve lived with that. No, Lincoln is definitely not someone you talk to. And I have nothing to tell him, anyway. I spent years trying to get them to listen, but they chose not to.
“I’m good, Lincoln,” I say, holding his eyes, probably in warning.
“Don’t be like this all your life, little brother. You’re a good man. Strong, fuckin’ determined. Don’t spend it alone, angry, and bitter. You got somethin’ to say, you say it. If not, you lock that shit up and leave it be. Take it from me. But don’t push good women away. A good woman will change your life. Give that a shot.”
“I’m not interested in finding a relationship,” I growl.
“That’s a damned shame for you, because there are two women here that fuckin’ look at you like you’re somethin’ special. Maybe you ought to look back …”
He gets up and walks off, and I want to flip him the bird purely out of frustration, but I don’t. Because fuck that. Too much drama would unfold.
And I’m sick to fuck of drama.
I’m sick to fuck of all of it, if I’m being honest.
3
ERIN
Poor Indi.
I watched her walk off.
And it is taking everything inside me not to go over and kick Finn in the back of the head. Okay, that’s a touch on the dramatic side, but stuff him. He’s playing with people’s feelings. He needs to stop.
“We should take a walk.”
I look back to Peto, Peter, Petro, Pedro … Fuck, I don’t remember his name.
He’s hot. Hot as sin. All tanned skin, dark hair and brown eyes. Big muscles, too. Very nice.
But I’m too distracted with the man sitting by the pool, staring at the water like he wants it to suck him right in. Beer in hand. Biceps clenched. Yes, I’m too busy looking at the one who can’t be fixed, instead of enjoying the one who is more than willing to take me on an adventure.
“I’ll join you soon, if you don’t mind,” I say, smiling my best smile. “I just have to let my friends know what’s going on.”
He nods, flashing some perfect white teeth, and then tells me he’ll meet me at the bar. When he’s gone, I stand and walk over, sitting down beside Finn and dropping my feet into the pool. The water is cool against my skin. It’s lovely.
“You know, playing with women’s feelings isn’t nice, Finn Knight.”
He snorts and looks over to me, his eyes dropping to my cleavage before moving back up to lock onto mine. “Since when?”
Jerk.
I grin. “Since forever. It’s in the rule book.”
“Then women shouldn’t agree to break the rules if they’re so adamant on not getting played.”
Touché.
“Well, perhaps men should be a little clearer from the start.”
“I was clear,” he grunts.
“Not with me you weren’t.”
He looks to me. “Is there somethin’ you need to get off your chest, Erin?”
As a matter of fact, there certainly is.
“I thought the deal with you and I was that you were going to tell me if you decided to start sleeping with other people … I have no issue with it,” Liar, “But, I’m not really into sleeping with a man who is sharing himself around.”
He narrows his eyes. “Who told you?”
“Does it matter?”
He shrugs. “Nope.”
Ouch. Cold.
That kind of hurt, but I keep it together.
I’m better than that.
“Well, I’m not going to storm off, make a scene, or be a general cow about it. But, I don’t sleep with men who are sticking it elsewhere. If you’re looking to do that, we’re totally cool, but you’ll need to stay away from me. That was all I asked of you. You agreed. It’s only fair you stick to it.”
Why is it these words are coming out of my mouth and yet part of me is still kind of hoping he’ll just stop and say, no, I want you and only you, and we’ll ride off into the sunset together like some sort of lame movie?
As if.
It’s never going to happen. Not with a man like Finn Knight.
And I have enough self-respect to be able to take myself from the situation, even if deep down I really don’t want to.
Something draws me to Finn, I just don’t know what it is.
“What is the problem with you women? I’m safe. I’m not spreadin’ shit around. If it’s just sex, why the fuck should it matter to you what I’m doin’ outside of it?”
“It doesn’t matter to me, Finn, don’t read me wrong. I just have a little respect, and I’m not going to be in a line up. I’m not asking anything of you, it was fun, I enjoyed it, but now we’re going to need to part ways.”
That sucks.
Sucks. Sucks.
Finn looks to me and his eyes search my face, as if he knows I’m lying. I saw the way he just dismissed Indi, I’m waiting for the exact same response to me. Except I’m going to walk away with dignity, probably go get laid on the beach and drown my sorrows even further. Whatever. I’ll do what I have to. But I’ll never beg, or get tangled up in, some man’s nonsense.
“No.”
I blink. “Pardon me?”
“No. We’re not partin’ ways. You want me to fuck you and only you? Can’t promise it but I can try. You don’t want me? Can’t promise I’ll stay away, but I can try. Either way, it ain’t just comin’ to an end.”
I shake my head, confused by his words. “You make zero sense. So, I’m going to make the choice on this one,” I say, standing. “Friends, okay?”
With that, I turn and walk off.
Not because I don’t want to stay and see what else he has to say, but because I know what he has to say could possibly change my mind, and I know that somewhere, at some point down the road, I’m guaranteed to get disappointed, possibly hurt, because that’s just how Finn works. He’s made it clear he can’t just stick with one. So, I have to do what’s best.
Even if it does suck.
So, I’ll go find my mysterious island hottie, and I’ll let
him make me scream.
What the hell, right?
You only go on vacations like this once in a lifetime.
Might as well enjoy it.
~*~*~*~
Long, smooth fingers glide over my clit, rubbing a little vigorously for my liking.
I’m not one to sleep around.
Hell, I’m always the cool, calm, and collected one. I keep it together. I lead the way. I make the right choices. I’m everyone’s rock. Everyone’s backbone. But I also lack a life sometimes, because of it.
This vacation I looked at myself in the mirror and swore, I swore that I’d enjoy myself. That I would let go. That I’d do whatever I wanted, without guilt.
So, here I am, getting rubbed by a drunk island man, who, if I’m being honest, sucks ass. I don’t mean to be rude, but right now, he’s rubbing my vaginal flap, yes the flap, and clumsily kissing my neck.
I just said vagina flap.
I start giggling, which causes him to pause.
“I must say no woman has ever laughed before …”
He sounds a little offended, poor guy. I’m not trying to damage his ego, but, well, I think it is probably safe to say those other women were great big fakers because he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing.
“I’m sorry,” I try to keep my voice kind. “It just tickles.”
“Maybe I should put my mouth on it, warm it up.”
Ew. God. No thanks.
I feel bad for thinking this right away, without even contemplating it, but this man and I … we’re just not sexually compatible. I mean, I tried and all, but … he’s still rubbing the flap. Does it not feel different? Does he not understand what a clit feels like? He had it for a few seconds, maybe even a few minutes, but now his hand has gone wild, and is ungraciously groping the parts of me that simply do not feel good.
“I don’t … I don’t think …”
He’s rubbing harder.
God.
I shuffle away, just as a rough voice says, “You’re done here.”
I blink and turn in the darkness at the sound of Finn’s voice.
Did I mention we’re on the beach?
A little stroll down, waves crashing, soft sand, and I caved. We sat down, kissed, one thing led to another, his fingers slipping into my bikini bottoms, and well, here we are.