by Bella Jewel
To my child.
I don’t want this, made that clear, but I’m not going to leave her high and dry. I’ll, at the very least, make sure she has what she needs while she’s pregnant and after the baby is born. How much involvement I have with the child will depend. Right now, I see none, because my life is no place for a child. I’m no place for a child.
“I’m fine,” Indi says, “but thanks for taking such good care of me. It’s nice how you’re looking after me.”
I’m only fucking doing what I have to.
If I’m being honest, I don’t want Indi here. Fuck, I do not want her here in my home, staring at me the way she stares at me, thinking this is something it’s not. She has got the wrong idea, I can already see that. She’s looking at me like there is some sort of chance, like I care.
I don’t care, not about her, not the way she wants.
But, as I said, I’m not a monster.
“Go and shower. Dinner is in the oven. I’m goin’ to chill out in my room.”
Her face drops a little.
Fuck me, don’t know what she thinks this is, but it ain’t. Period.
I need to be alone. Need to get away from her.
Because fuck feeling uncomfortable in my own home, and right now, that’s exactly how I feel.
“I thought you might have wanted to watch a movie with me …”
I don’t.
“No, thanks,” I mutter. “Go shower, eat, rest.”
Then, I turn and walk into the kitchen, ending the conversation. I’ll take my dinner to my bedroom, where I can lock the fucking door and be left the hell alone. I can’t deal with this shit on a good day, and right fucking now nothing feels good, which is making it harder. Erin is all I think about. Fuck, I miss her. I miss her every single second. She got to me more than I thought she had.
It was only when we broke whatever the fuck it was we were doing off that I realized I miss her friendship. Miss her crazy side. Miss having someone to talk to.
I don’t want any other women, which is an all-time first for me.
That means I’ve been jerking off far more than I like, but I can’t think about anyone else but her.
Only fucking her.
Indi disappears up the stairs, fucking finally, and I’m about to retreat to my room with a plate of food in my hand and a six pack of beers when there is a knock at the fucking door.
Dammit, who the fuck is that?
Probably Damon trying to save me, he knows how little I enjoy sharing my personal space.
I put my dinner down and walk over, opening it, ready to tell him to go home before Indi sees him and decides we can all hang out together.
But it isn’t Damon.
It’s Erin. She has a six pack of beer in her hands, her fingers looped through, holding them by her side.
And fuck, if she isn’t the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
The way she looks makes my heart do fucking stupid things.
Damn it.
Damn her.
“What’re you doin’ here, Erin?”
“I’m here to hang out. I heard what you said, I said what I said, you know I’m sorry, I know we’re not a thing, but we’re still friends, are we not?”
Fuck.
I want her.
So fucking bad.
“Yeah,” I mutter. “Still friends.”
Need her as more than that, for the rest of my fucking days, but I say nothing.
“Then I’m sure you don’t mind having a few beers with me? I don’t want us to hate each other, Finn. I’m truly sorry for what I did, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Can we let it go and at least go back to what we had before the sex?”
Fuck.
I shouldn’t, because I don’t know if I can ever just be friends.
But I’ve missed her, so fucking much, and being without her has sucked, having no one to talk to has sucked, and I need her back in my life.
If that’s as a friend, so be it.
I need fucking someone right now.
Ending it with her was a mistake, and my pride stopped me telling her that wasn’t really what I wanted. I couldn’t go and admit I was a fucking coward, that it wasn’t really what I wanted, and I screwed up. Call it a personality flaw, but I hold my pride way too fucking high. Her coming here, it makes it easy for me to let it go, because she’s making the first move, and I don’t have to admit to her that I fucked up.
She never has to know just how much losing her hurt.
“Yeah, we can do that.”
I see relief wash over that pretty face, and she smiles. “Well, are you going to invite me in?”
I push the door open and let her in. This will not go well with Indi around, and I know she’ll react, but too bad. This isn’t up to her, nor is it about her. It’s my home, and if I want to have someone over, I fucking well will. Indi has caused enough problems, she isn’t going to dictate my life. Hell fucking no she isn’t.
“I was headin’ up to my room, we can sit on my balcony up there, more privacy. Fuckin’ over bein’ down here.”
Erin looks to me, narrowing her eyes, and then shrugs. “Whatever works for you.”
I lead the way up the stairs after locking the door, and I can hear the shower is running still. I notice the way Erin looks to it, her eyes scanning over the door, no doubt wondering how it’s been with Indi here. We get to my room and I push open the door, realizing this is the first time Erin has been here.
She looks around, taking in the tidy, large space, and then she looks to me. “This is nice.”
“Yeah, well, when you’ve only got one space that’s yours, you look after it. It’s my time out, here. Think yourself lucky, I don’t bring women in here.”
She laughs. “Well, I’ll consider myself very lucky then.”
I unlock the big double glass door leading out into my balcony. I picked this apartment for the balcony. It cost me more, but I like sitting out here, drinking beer and watching the lights of the city. It, for whatever strange reason, relaxes me. I grab a chair and drag it over, and Erin sits, pulling out a beer. I grab another chair from inside my room and bring it out, doing the same.
“This is kind of nice,” Erin says, staring at the lights that kind of join in with the stars—it’s a bit of both worlds. Stars and city lights.
“Yeah, I like sittin’ out here.”
“I can see why.”
We both sit in silence for a moment or two, and then Erin looks to me after taking another sip of beer. “For what it’s worth, Finn, I’m so glad you let me in. I didn’t know if you would, but I do know it was killing me not hanging out with you anymore. You’re the best friend I’ve had, and I missed you.”
Honesty.
Respect that.
Was fucking wild for what she did, not trusting me, making me feel like crap because she felt the need to follow me. But I get it. She was right, it was both of us. We both fucked up and I’m glad it’s over. Because I missed her too, though I’ll never tell her that. She wants to be friends, I can take that.
For now.
“Consider it forgotten,” I tell her. “Glad we’re talkin’ again.”
“Me too. I know you’ve been dealing with a lot. Everyone should have a friend to talk to when they’re going through crap.”
“You’re right about that,” I tell her, drinking the cool, bitter liquid.
Beer is fucking life.
“How is everything going?” she asks me, turning those fucking spectacular eyes my way.
Her eyes are one of her best features. They’re absolutely stunning. The way the green shines out because of her dark hair. She’s gorgeous. Most beautiful woman I’ve ever fucking seen, that’s for sure.
“It’s fucked,” I tell her, voice gruff. “Havin’ Indi here is makin’ me more than uncomfortable. This whole situation is agitatin’ me. I don’t want it, but I know there is nothin’ I can do about it. Pissed at myself for ever goin’ there in
the first place.”
Erin nods. “Yeah, it must be hard. Did the doctor say how she’s doing? Is she better after the other day?”
I look to her.
Know damn well Slater never told Erin what happened with Indi. When I saw her outside Indi’s apartment the other night, it wasn’t because she was seeing how she was doing, because I asked Slater, and they all assured me they hadn’t breathed a word. Even Ellie told me it wasn’t her place and she never would have shared. Which means either Erin knew some other way, or she was there for something else.
I didn’t really want to lead with it, but I’m going to ask anyway.
“Know you weren’t there to see how she was the other night.”
I expect her to act shocked, or try to convince me she was, but instead, she says, “Am I that obvious?”
“Pretty much. But I asked Slater, no one told you what happened.”
Erin exhales. “Yeah, I don’t know what happened. But I do hope it’s okay. I’m not a monster, Finn. I’d never wish Indi anything but good luck.”
“Know that,” I tell her. “Gotta know I’m curious to know why you were there.”
Erin hesitates for longer than a few moments. She looks like she wants to tell me something, like there is something on her mind and she’s fighting it. Finally, after a few minutes, she says, “I was just worried about you.”
“Why?” I ask her.
She sucks her top lip for a few seconds, then says, “Because I don’t fully trust her, Finn. I still don’t believe she’s pregnant, and I guess, I don’t know, I was going to ask her about it.”
Can’t say I blame her.
I don’t feel right about the whole thing, either.
“That confrontation wouldn’t have gone well,” I point out. “I mean really, in the end, it isn’t your business.”
I don’t mean that in a harsh way, I honestly fucking don’t. But I don’t want Erin twisting herself up over it. Making herself worried. Getting herself into trouble trying to get Indi to do what she thinks is right. I appreciate she cares, but this one is on me.
“You’re right,” Erin tells me, and that’s why I fucking like her. She doesn’t carry on, or argue, she just takes it. “It isn’t my business. But you are my friend, Finn. I’d hate to see anything happen to hurt you.”
“Big boy.” I grin at her, and she smiles. “Can take care of myself.”
“Yeah, I know. Still, it wouldn’t be right for her to tell a lie like that.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I was thinkin’ about it today, and I’m goin’ to demand she lets me come to the next appointment. I want to hear it from the doctor’s mouth, see the truth with my very eyes, otherwise she’s goin’ home.”
“When is her next appointment?”
“Tomorrow,” I say, and already she’s trying to tell me she is fine going on her own. But, this time, I’m not going to have it. If she wants me involved in this, she’s going to let me go with her.
“Well,” Erin says, “I hope it goes well, for both your sakes.”
I look to her, and she’s staring down at her beer. Those words, they must be fucking hard to say, because I know she doesn’t believe them. She doesn’t believe Indi, and she has that right. If someone was doing something to her I didn’t feel right about, it would bother me, too.
“Confession?” I mutter into the darkness. “I hope to all fuck she isn’t pregnant. I hate myself for that. I’m not a fuckin’ monster, but I don’t want a child, I especially don’t want one with her. I don’t wish anythin’ bad upon her, but I do hope that it does come out that she’s lyin’. I mean, I’ll be pissed, do not fuckin’ doubt it, no one fucks me over, but I’d be relieved, too. Makes me an asshole, I know.”
“No, it doesn’t,” Erin says, her voice understanding and kind. See why Ellie needed her so much. “I would feel the same. It’s unfair for men. You don’t always get a choice. I mean sure, it takes two to tango and all that, but in the end, when it comes down to it, you don’t get a say so in how things go. That’s hard. I wouldn’t want something forced onto me that I didn’t want.”
“Yeah, been causin’ more than a little fuckin’ tension with me,” I tell her.
“I’m sorry I added to that,” she says, looking at me. “I know I fucked up following you, but I honestly didn’t think that’s what I’d walk into. If anything, we thought it was a bit funny, we didn’t realize the seriousness of the situation.”
“Get that,” I mutter. “Never wanted you to see somethin’ like that, Erin. I never wanted you to know that side of me.”
“But that’s part of who you are, you can’t hide everything you are.”
“It’s the dangerous side, I don’t like it.”
“Then why do it?”
Her eyes are intense when she looks at me.
“Because, since I was a teenager, that’s all I’ve known. With Lincoln, Slater, it’s always been that way. I don’t know any different, it’s part of who I am. That, however, isn’t part of who I am. I don’t make it my life’s mission to ever fuckin’ see someone die. Makes me sick.”
“Then, if you don’t mind me asking, why were you there, Finn?”
I exhale. “Because I was helpin’ a friend.”
“Brody?” she questions.
“Yeah, Brody.”
“Is he important to you?”
Brody and I … we have a little history. But more than that, it’s that he understands me, and I get him, and I hate seeing how fucking broken he is. If I can fix someone, that’s feeling that shitty pain, I’m going to. Because that’s what you do to go out of this world with a good name, you help people.
“It’s more that I see his pain, how fuckin’ tormented he is, and I don’t wanna see him die. So, I helped him with this one thing. He is lookin’ for someone, why, I don’t know. He doesn’t say. He’s got a girl, as far as I know, and he’s given it all up to find whatever it is he’s lookin’ for. That must mean somethin’. That must mean more than I can ever understand. Because of that, I want to help him. Don’t like seein’ people sufferin’.”
“What about you, Finn?” Erin asks, her voice soft as she studies my face. “Who’s going to help you?”
That hits me like a fucking punch to the stomach.
I don’t need anyone to help me, but fuck, there have been times in my life where I’ve gotten down on my fucking knees and prayed someone would be there for me.
Just once.
“You are,” I say to her, holding her eyes, watching the surprise as they widen and her lips part slightly. “You’re going to help me, Erin. You’re exactly what I need.”
Ain’t a lie.
Erin is fucking important to me.
I’m done dancing around that.
It’s time I make her mine.
~*~*~*~
“I don’t want to go,” she murmurs, staring up at me through them thick fucking lovely lashes.
“Fuckin’ wish you didn’t have to,” I say, voice thick as I think about all the things I want to do to her right now, pressed against her car that I just walked her out to.
I’d let her stay, but I know, I fucking know, that Indi will make a scene. Can guarantee it with almost every bone in my damned body. That girl isn’t going to sit back and just let us be together under the same roof, so Erin has to go, even though all I wanted to do, was fucking take her and fuck her until we both forgot everything else except each other.
“Promise me something.” Erin looks up at me, her eyes genuine, her concern clear. “Promise me in the morning, you’ll look further into this thing with Indi. I hope you trust me on this, and don’t think I’m interfering, but I honestly think she’s taking you for a ride, and damned if I’ll sit back and let her do that.”
I cup her jaw. “Promise.”
She exhales, almost with relief. Almost like she knows something. Wouldn’t surprise me if she does, but I don’t care, if she’s trying to help me, I’m going to stop being a dick about it.
Erin’s finger goes to my chest and trails down, and she stares at me with those fucking gorgeous eyes, and I don’t think I can keep my mouth off hers any longer. Cupping her cheek, I bring my lips to hers, kissing her softly, and then deepening it until it’s a dance of our tongues, an angry fucking dance that makes my dick so hard I can’t think straight.
It’s been a few days since I’ve touched even myself.
Need her.
So fucking bad.
“I want you so much it fuckin’ burns me, Erin,” I growl, pulling away from the kiss that’s making me weak. I can’t think. Can’t do anything but think about how hard I want to fuck her right now.
“Then take me, Finn, right here,” she breathes.
I look down at her, and she reaches straight out for my cock, curling her hands around what she can and squeezing it through my jeans. Fuck it, she wants me to take her here, then I’ll fucking take her here. Hard, and fast.
“Don’t scream, baby. You have to be quiet.”
She nods and shimmies out of her pants, freeing herself to me. We’re protected by her open door, so I free my cock, reach down and grab her knee, and then bring it up just enough that I can thrust up inside her. Positioning myself, I do just that. I plunge deep into her pussy. It’s so fucking wet, so fucking warm, it takes everything not to cum right away. I grit my teeth, she bites her lip to suppress her moan, and then I fuck her. I fuck her deep and fast, hips pumping up into her.
Her fingers claw at my arms.
My mouth bites at her neck.
Feels so fucking good. So fucking good.
“Finn?”
Sweet mother of god. No.
The voice in the distance, probably at my front door, make me want to fucking scream. Erin’s pussy is tight around my cock, so close to release, and I have to stop mid stroke. I drop my head into her neck, breathing her in for a second, panting in pure raw agony from not being able to keep going when I was so close.
The voice comes again.
“Finn?”
Fucking Indi.
“It’s okay, honey,” Erin says, her voice breathy, no doubt it’s hurting her, too. “Go.”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I grind out.
“Finn, it’s the baby. I’m bleeding!”