by Bella Jewel
Shania did always tell me she had a crush on Nicolai. Of course, it wasn’t until after I found out about everything, before then she denied it, and I’m guessing that’s because deep down she knew it probably wasn’t a good idea.
“Shania and Yana clashed, Shania and I kissed, and I told her, outright, that I wasn’t interested in her like that. Don’t get me wrong, she was fuckin’ lovely, and it was hard staying away. I questioned myself. I wanted to fuck her. I’m a man. She was hot. She kept pushing. I made the mistake of letting it happen. I thought I made it clear, I told her what it was, but she read it wrong and things started becoming more complicated. She wanted something from me that I wasn’t willing to give.”
Ouch.
That must have sucked in so many ways.
I know Nicolai took Shania’s virginity. That part, he shouldn’t have done.
“Knew she was a virgin,” he says, as if reading my mind. “Knew I shouldn’t have fucked her. Fuck, I knew it the second I did it. But, like I said, I was attracted to her, I’m a man, I took what was available. Didn’t think it would go so far. You know what happened after, things went sour, she got a little out of control, very clingy, and then she got pregnant and I’d made it very fuckin’ clear that I didn’t want anything. So, yeah, I was pissed at first. But I’m not a dog. I wasn’t going to leave her with nothing.”
My heart hurts hearing this. It really does.
Kind of for him, a lot for Shania.
“We discussed adoption. We talked about all the options. We fought so much through her pregnancy, I don’t know how the fuck we didn’t kill each other. It was never going to work. There was too much resentment. She told me she was giving the baby up and that was that. But I didn’t want that. Call me selfish, but that was my child. My baby. I didn’t want to be left with no choice.”
My heart definitely aches now for him. Because we as women have the higher power, we get to make the choices, and that must be hard sometimes on the men. Because, like in Nicolai’s case, sometimes they actually want to be part of the child’s life.
“She wasn’t going to move on it. When she had Tommy, I wasn’t allowed in. Fuck, I knew what she was going to do. She was going to take my son. My baby. She was going to give him up because we couldn’t get along. Don’t get me wrong, I knew her reasoning. She was young, she was scared, and we did nothing but fight. She wanted the best life for that little boy, and I respect her for that, but he was mine. Do you understand me? Mine. And I loved him the moment I laid eyes on him.”
Oh, boy. My heart aches. I practically skull the drink so I don’t let any emotion show because damn, I feel for him, and her. I really do.
“So, I played nice. I knew what I was going to do. Was it wrong? Yes, yes it fucking was. But in that moment, I could only see that baby. If she was going to give him up anyway, why the hell shouldn’t it be to me? I wanted him. I wanted it. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I know that. It had been a long fuckin’ nine months. So, I did the worst thing I could have done. I took her baby.”
God. I’m going to cry.
But I keep it together.
“I didn’t think of my actions until I’d done it, but I’d made my choice. I knew it would break her heart, I knew it as surely as I breathed, but I also knew I couldn’t live—no, I couldn’t fuckin’ live without that baby and she wasn’t going to let me have him. No words would have made her change her mind. Sure, I could have fought it, taken it through the legal system, but that would have been even worse, even more horrendous. Even uglier.”
He’s right, it would have been.
Tommy would have suffered a lot more then.
“So, I fucked up. I don’t regret it, though. Don’t get me wrong. Having my son with me, raising him, it has been the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I love that boy more than I have ever loved a single other thing. I did it all, and I did it with love. Every feed, every diaper, every single minute of it. I recorded a lot of it for Shania. I knew one day she’d find me and I knew we’d have to work it out, but I didn’t want her to miss it.”
“Does she know?” I ask, carefully. “You recorded it all?”
“No, not yet she doesn’t. When the time is right, I’ll give it all to her. I feel it’s still too raw.”
He’s probably right about that.
“I know, deep down, she’ll appreciate that.”
He nods. “I know what I did was wrong, believe me when I say that. I knew it the moment I did it, but I also knew if I went back, I’d lose him forever. I had to follow through with my plan. Can’t change things now, not even sure I would if I could, because having that child in my life has made everything worth it for me again.”
Shit.
Stop it, throat, stop getting tight.
We do not like this man, body. Remember?
He’s the bad guy.
But is he, is he really?
I don’t know.
If I’m being honest and separating myself from it, I’d say that they were both wrong and both right. They both made mistakes. Shania attached herself to Nicolai when he made it clear he wasn’t into it and that it was just sex, and then Nicolai didn’t walk away or even fire her when he probably should have.
Then the pregnancy, the hatred they had for one another, that made everything worse. Shania wanted to give Tommy up for adoption because she believed that her and Nicolai simply couldn’t co-parent and that it would be best for everyone but mostly for the unborn child. Nicolai didn’t agree. He thought the child could still be in both their lives and be loved equally as strong.
And it blew up.
Is any one person to blame?
No. No, they’re not.
“Thank you for telling me what you told me. I’m not going to lie, I thought you were the world’s biggest douche, but I suppose part of that was because I felt protective over Shania. I appreciate your honesty.”
“Do you still think I’m the world’s biggest douche?” he murmurs, his voice low and so damned sexy my throat does that stupid tight thing again. I shouldn’t be here, I really shouldn’t, but I’m kind of glad I got to hear how it was for him.
“No,” I tell him truthfully. “Not because of that, anyway. I mean, I’m fairly certain you’re still a bit douchy …”
He grins at me, and my heart flutters.
Shit.
Retreat, retreat!
“I can live with that. Thank you, Lucy. For coming and, at the very least, letting me finally tell someone how it was for me.”
“You never told anyone?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t figure it was their place to know. My sister knows the basics, but I like to keep my private life, well, private.”
“Does your sister want to claw Shania’s eyeballs out?”
Nicolai makes a wheezing, sort of snort sound. But it’s so damned sexy there is no way it could be ever seen as unattractive on him. “No, she doesn’t. She understands, if anything, why Shania wanted to give Tommy up.”
“Well, for what it’s worth, and I’ll never tell Shania this because she’ll probably beat me, even though I know she feels the same somewhere deep inside, I’m glad you took Tommy, because now we get to have him in our lives, and I’m a killer aunty, I must admit.”
“Shania told me never to leave Tommy with you …,” Nicolai tells me, eyes slightly playful.
I wish he’d put on a shirt.
It’s so damned distracting.
I feign a gasp. “What did she tell you exactly? Because I’m not so bad. I mean, there was once, once, when I was seventeen and I thought babysitting would be a good idea and it absolutely was not …”
“Yes, we heard. The little girl you were looking after climbed a tree, fell out, and broke her arm, but you’d lost her so you didn’t even know she was in the tree.”
“Look,” I say with a laugh, “I was seventeen, let’s make that one clear. And the girl ran off, I turned for one stinking second and she was gone. Then suddenly, broken arm
… I didn’t know she was going to climb the damn tree.”
Nicolai laughs, and holy fuck, his laugh makes me feel like a damned giddy child. I keep my shit together with men, in fact I pride myself on it, so it’s a little alarming that this man is unnerving me so.
“Well, I’ll note that you can’t have Tommy until he’s at least fifteen …”
I cross my arms but I’m grinning so huge it almost hurts. “Fourteen and we have a deal.”
“Deal.”
I smile over at him and he gets up and grabs another beer for us both. I should say no, already my head is feeling light, but I actually don’t mind getting to know this man who I’ve only ever looked at in one way. Shania would want me to leave, so leaving is what I should be doing, but the conversation is flowing so effortlessly it’s almost nice.
Almost.
Except for the part that I’m supposed to hate him.
“He really is beautiful though,” I say when he hands me the beer. “Tommy. You did an amazing job.”
Nicolai nods. “Yeah, he’s one in a million. On the hardest days that boy makes me smile. He’s special.”
I smile at that, because there aren’t a lot of men in the world who talk about their children like that and actually mean it because they’ve spent the time with them to mean it. This man raised Tommy. The sleepless nights. The diapers. The round-the-clock care. That’s something, for sure. It’s a shame how he went about it, but in the end it can’t be changed. At least he was able to be a good father.
“Yeah, he certainly is special. I can’t wait until he’s fourteen and we can hang out for real.”
Nicolai grins at me.
It’s almost unnatural, seeing him in this state. I only ever knew the serious side to this man. The professional, powerful businessman. The one who spoke in gruff sentences and took no shit. Seeing him here, shirtless after a day of gardening, drinking beer—it almost seems like a whole other side that has been very carefully locked away.
“Why’re you lookin’ at me like that?”
I jerk and then sip a beer, feeling my cheeks get warm. How to answer that without sounding like a complete weirdo. “I was just thinking I’ve never seen you like this. You know, casual. You always seemed so serious, professional, even a little scary. But here, you actually have a personality.”
He grunts. “Are you saying I don’t have a personality?”
“It didn’t seem like it.” I shrug, giving him a sympathetic smile. “Sorry.”
“In the club, I have to be a certain way. To run a business like that, I have to be powerful. I have to be, as you’d fondly call it, an asshole. People don’t run a business being a pushover. But here, this is the only place I can be me. And I take advantage of that. You’re one of the lucky few that get to see it.”
“You don’t have friends then?” I tease. “I knew it.”
Another grin.
I take another sip.
My head gets a little fuzzier.
“I’ve got friends, but none I’d want in my house.”
“Are you saying I’m your friend then?” I beam.
“No, you’re my son’s aunty; I have to be nice to you.”
I laugh, a little too loud. “I knew there was a sense of humor in there somewhere.”
Nicolai and I keep talking, and the afternoon turns into early evening. I know I have to leave, I also know I’m going to have to get a cab because I’ve had too many drinks. I shouldn’t have stayed this long, but I’m also glad I cleared the air and that we can all get along. That’s what I want, not just for Shania’s sake, but Tommy’s.
“Do you want to stay for dinner? Then, after you’ve eaten, you should be able to drive. Saves money on a cab. It’s quite a distance.”
No, Lucy.
Say no.
Get a cab. Pay the money.
Staying is a bad idea.
“Sure, that sounds good.”
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I’m in deep shit.
3
EARLIER – LUCY
“You cook too,” I say, sipping my second glass of water as I sit at Nicolai’s counter and watch him chop up some salad vegetables to accompany our steaks, and he’s doing a good job at it, like he’s quite used to it and has done it a million times before.
Another tick, really.
Most men don’t know their way around a kitchen. It’s impressive to see one that does.
“I’ve got a son,” he tells me. “I didn’t want to raise him eating crap forever so I had to step up. I knew how to cook the basics, but it’s safe to say I’ve gotten a little more creative in the last few years.”
I laugh. “Kids, hey. Always incentive for us to do the right thing.”
He nods, setting the salad ingredients into a bowl, and saying to me, “Do you like steak?”
“Is that a stupid question?” I sip my water again.
He looks at me over his shoulder. “You’d be surprised how many women say they don’t eat it.”
“Those women are lying. They’re saying that because they are trying to lose weight, or stay slim, or doing something to be healthy. Everyone loves steak. It’s amazing. I’m not one of those women, so I’m not shy in saying I love the stuff. I mean, look at me, isn’t that obvious.”
He stops what he’s doing and turns, looking at me, really looking at me. Eyes dragging down my body. I’m not entirely sure what he’s thinking. I mean, I’m a confident woman. I’m not afraid of my curves. I’m not a big fan of my straw-colored hair, but I’ve never touched it or tried to change its color. My eyes are a cross between grey and blue, and I know I’m not an unattractive woman. Still, with the super thin models around these days, I’ve actually had men telling me I’m too curvy and need to lose weight.
I don’t care.
I don’t have time for men like that. I make sure they know it, too. That’s fine if you want me to be slimmer but you’ll also understand I’m not the girl for you and you can go and stick it where the sun don’t shine because I won’t change a single thing about myself for anyone.
“It’s not obvious to me, you’re fucking spectacular.”
Oh, lord.
Those words. I never expected them. I honestly don’t know what I expected, maybe a polite “no you’re fine just the way you are” or perhaps a change of subject if he felt a little uncomfortable, but never did I actually expect him to say something like that. Is that how he truly sees me? I’m surprised, so surprised I have no reaction. For a moment, I just stare at him.
“You’ve always caught my eye. There’s something incredibly fresh about you, Lucy. You’re beautiful in a way so many girls simply aren’t.”
Oh. It just gets more intense.
I’m not really sure what to say to him, or what I’m supposed to do right now, so I just say, “Thank you.”
When someone compliments you, you say thank you. Especially when it comes from a man. Too many women go on to list all the things wrong with them or simply don’t believe it when they receive a compliment. I’ve learned that all that does is ensure you never get a compliment again.
“We’ll go outside and grill these,” Nicolai says, grabbing the plate holding the two steaks, and walks outside. I follow him, truly feeling right now that I should probably go home as soon as I can after this meal is finished.
I’m starting to think this is a really bad idea, because looking at him right now is making me want to pounce on him.
That’s not normal.
So I should probably leave.
But, I’m not rude, so I’m going to just eat and keep everything light and then—
Nicolai has placed the plate down, and I’ve stepped up to help, and he’s turned around, and we crash together. Our bodies colliding in a hard slam that has me toppling backward. Nicolai, of course, of freaking course, grabs me and hauls me up against him to stop me falling. Then I’m staring at him, panting from the fright, and he’s staring down at me.
And so
mething happens.
I don’t know what it is, and I can safely say I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. This fire, it starts in the pit of my belly, and it just erupts, scorching up my throat and exploding, making me feel strange things, intense things, things that I feel like I have no control over.
Nicolai must feel the same.
Because the next thing I know, he’s kissing me. All six feet of masculine male, lips smashing against mine so suddenly it takes me a moment to even think, let alone respond. I should have thought a little longer, a little harder, because then I probably wouldn’t do what I do next.
I kiss him back.
I kiss him back deep, and hard, and ferocious.
He tastes fucking incredible, like beer and man, and everything an alpha male should taste like.
My knees wobble, and my body comes to life.
I want him.
Everything else is a hazy mess in my brain. That’s the only thing that stands out.
I want him, so bad I can’t do anything to stop it when he backs me into the railing. Or when his hands glide around and grab my ass, or when his mouth is on my neck and his fingers pull my shorts from my body, or when he kisses a blazing trail down my throat, or when he jerks my top up and covers my nipple with his hot mouth, or when he frees himself, or when he’s inside me, deep inside me, fucking me against the railing without thought.
Neither of us are thinking.
If we were thinking, this absolutely wouldn’t be happening.
This is everything I shouldn’t be doing.
There is not a single thing in the world that gives me reason to be doing something so horrendous.
But I can’t stop him.
As I whimper his name, I can’t stop him.
And I know I’ll regret this for the rest of my life.
But I can’t stop him.
~*~*~*~
I ran.
When we were both done and we were both panting, I ran.
I freaked out, and I ran.
That was two days ago.
The guilt has eaten away at me, the horrendous guilt.