by Bella Jewel
“I’m sorry about Brody,” Lincoln finally says, as if he can tell my thoughts were just lingering on him. “Know it ain’t easy on you.”
I press my lips together and then ask the one burning question that I’ve been so desperate to know, “Why did you help him?”
He knows I’m not asking why they took him in, he knows I’m asking why they helped him to track down his demons and do a death match with them.
“Because,” Lincoln says, “if we didn’t help him, he would be dead already.”
Those words crush my heart, and my bottom lip trembles for a second, but I suck it in. I won’t cry, I will not fucking cry. I’ve done so much damned crying.
“If we didn’t help him,” Finn adds on, “he’d have never made it through. Us helping him was an attempt not to get him killed and also to delay him a little.”
I nod, fighting back the pain threatening to rear up and incapacitate me. “Did you, ah, did you know about me?”
Finn nods. “Yeah.”
“So he told you?”
He shakes his head. “No, but we knew there was someone he left behind. Brody … he’s …”
“I know what he is,” I whisper softly. “I know better than anyone what he is. Thank you for keeping him in check as long as you could, I appreciate it.”
They look like they feel sorry for me, which I hate, so I quickly turn to Lucy and say, “I’m ready to go.”
She nods, smiling, and we both leave.
I know they are going to have a million questions for me.
The problem is, I don’t know how I’m going to answer them.
I just want this to be over.
~*~*~*~
“I’m fine, Lee,” I whisper into the phone, rolling to my left side on the very comfortable bed in the spare room at Lucy’s place.
She has a nice apartment, it’s clean and tidy and it feels safe. Mostly, it’s free of everything Brody. I can’t feel him here like I could at home, the emptiness doesn’t entirely consume me because I know he’s not coming back, the stinking scent of heartbreak doesn’t torment me everywhere I go. No, it’s free of him, and that helps just a little, because now I only have to deal with the pain in my heart, instead of the pain surrounding me as well.
Ripley sighs, making a frustrated sound in his throat. Ripley, or Lee as we call him, is the youngest of the brothers, and over the years has become a very good friend of mine. He’s gay, which is freaking awesome, and his partner Orlando is equally as awesome as Lee. I like the two of them, and without Lee, I don’t know how I’d get through sometimes. He has been my rock, the only person I can truly count on.
Aria has been amazing, too, but she worries too much and in turn, makes it harder for me to focus. It’s not her fault, and I love her dearly, but she’s too close to me and she wants to patch it all up, but she simply can’t. Lee is equally as concerned for Brody, and for me, but he has this way of staying cool in a difficult situation. He keeps calm, he’s the voice of reason, he’s just ... Lee.
“If you’re fine,” he says, reminding me I’m on the phone with him, “why did you ignore us all for three days, disappear, and send us all into a panic?”
“I’m a grown woman,” I say. “I can do what I need to do. It was too much for me there with everyone constantly fluttering around me, freaking out. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“You could have told them you needed space, now they’re all concerned.”
“You think I haven’t told them that, Lee? You think I haven’t begged for space. I love them all, I know they’re worried about me, but they won’t stop. That’s okay, but I needed space.”
“You’re looking for Brody, we know you are.”
“And?” I say, my voice flustered. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Because he doesn’t want to be found, Mel. You’re running yourself into the ground chasing a damned person that doesn’t want you to find him.”
“I made him a promise, Lee. That I’d never give up on him, that I’d always have his back. I love him. I can’t just forget about him.”
Lee exhales. “Nobody is expecting you to forget about him, but you can’t put the rest of your life on hold when he’s so determined to crush his.”
“He’s your brother,” I whisper.
“Yes, he is. He’s also choosing this path. Nothing we have done or said has changed that. Do you honestly want us all to stop our entire lives because Brody wants to crush his? We’ve spent so fucking long trying to help him, and he still disappeared anyway. He crushed us all, not just himself.”
I clench my eyes shut. “I respect that, but I’m not giving up.”
“And if or when you find him? What then? What will you do? Beg him to come back? Plead? You’ve already tried it all, and none of it worked, he still disappeared on you without a word, breaking your heart. What is going to be different this time?”
I don’t know.
I honestly don’t know.
I know Lee is right, I know there is probably nothing I can do, but if I don’t keep fighting for the man who owns my heart, then I’ll never be okay again. I’ll never get over him. I’ll just never move on.
I have to try, even if this is the last time I do so.
“I don’t know what I’ll do, Ripley. All I know is I have to at least try, even if this is the last time. If I can’t help him now, I’ll try, very hard, to let him go.”
Lee exhales, then sighs. “You’re too good for him, Melanie. Too fucking good. But I love you for the way you love him. Where are you? You need to at least let us know where you are.”
“I’m not going to do that because I know for a damned fact your dad, Aria, Blade, they’ll all come down here. No, this time I’m going to do this on my own. Just me. Just Brody. Please, give me that.”
“Okay,” Lee begrudgingly agrees. “Can you at least let me know when you find out information? I’ll keep it to myself, I promise you, but I’d like to know.”
“I promise. I’ve found some people who last saw him, they’re going to help me. They know who he is looking for.”
“Is it dangerous?”
I hesitate. “Yes, Lee, it is.”
“Fuck, Mel. If anything happens to you because of him …”
“I’ll be okay, I promise.”
Making a frustrated sound, Ripley says, “Okay, but I’m not happy about it. I know you well enough now, though, to know you’re going to do it anyway.”
He’s right, I am.
Even if deep inside I’m not entirely sure I’m doing the right thing.
My mind. My body. My spirit. It’s all a big broken mess.
I can’t honestly say I’m confident that I’m ever making the right choices. My mind isn’t rational enough right now for me to know that I’m doing the right thing, all I know is that I’m doing what I think I have to, in this moment right now, and that’s all I’m working with.
“I miss you,” I tell him.
That’s the truth, I do miss him.
But being around him, around that family, it’s too painful right now.
I needed this space.
I needed to breathe.
“I miss you, too,” he tells me.
I smile, even though it physically hurts to. “How is Orlando?”
Ripley smiles, I can hear it in his voice. I love that he smiles every time anyone mentions Orlando. I wish I could smile again at the mention of Brody. Hell, I just wish I could smile about anything.
I wish I remembered how it felt to be happy.
“He’s really good. Busy with work. He misses you, too.”
“Tell him I’ll be back soon. I have to go, I’m so tired.”
Lee sighs. “Be careful, Mel. You call me every single day, do you hear?”
“I hear you.”
“Bye.”
I hang up the phone and lie back on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
Strange town.
Staying with strangers.
Yet I’ve not f
elt so at ease in a long time.
Maybe this is the end of my journey, right here, in this town.
Maybe this is what will, in turn, make or break me.
I guess we’ll find out.
3
THEN – MELANIE
I grin at Brody and flick more pancake batter in his direction. Laughing, he charges at me, scooping me into his arms and pulling me close, his face covered in the spoonful of batter that I just flung at him. He leans in, and even with my squealing protests, rubs the batter all over my face, using his. I scream and laugh, squirming to get free. He only releases me when he’s effectively rubbed most of it back onto my face.
I laugh and stumble backward, swiping my face with the back of my arm. “You’re a toad, Broderick!”
He chuckles. “Toad, that’s a new one.”
I giggle and grin over at him. “Now what will we have for breakfast?”
He grins at me, devilish and handsome. “I can think of at least one thing I’d like to eat, right about now.”
I cross my arms. “My pussy is not for breakfast, young man.”
He snorts, grabs a wash rag and walks over, wiping my face until it’s free of batter, only then does he clean his own.
“Mick is coming over today,” he tells me.
“He is?” I raise my brows. “That’s good.”
“Heard he wasn’t meant to be home just yet but got sent back early. Haven’t heard from him in months, so I’m not sure what’s going on, but it must be somethin’ if they’re bein’ returned home.”
“You don’t think it’s bad, do you?” I ask him, leaning on the arm of the sofa in the living area, watching my gorgeous boyfriend as he crosses his big arms and leans his back against the wall.
“Thinkin’ it’s possible that it’s not great. They’re cutting them short, which makes me think somethin’ bad went down. Because I’m not direct family, I don’t know what that is, but I do know it usually isn’t good.”
“Have you been able to get hold of his sister again, what’s her name again?”
“Maxine?”
“Yeah.”
“Nah, I haven’t. She’s been travelin’ overseas somewhere. She let me know he was comin’ home, but that’s it. They don’t really get along. I guess I’ll find out when he gets home.”
“What about his mom?”
“Doesn’t talk to her much, either.”
Oh. Well. That’s not good. I know Mick spent a lot of time with Brody and his family growing up, I guess he had a hard life of his own, to not want to go home.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I say softly.
“He wants to stay here.”
“He does?” I ask, brows raised. “How come?”
“I don’t know, guessin’ he doesn’t want to go back to his mom’s place which is half way across the country. You don’t mind if he stays for a bit, do you?”
I shake my head. “Of course not. He’s your best friend. I don’t mind at all.”
Brody grins and walks over, cupping my face in his hands and kissing me, long and deep. I melt into him, like I always do when he kisses me like this. Everything else in the world stops, and I feel incredible. Amazing, really. Like nothing could ever touch me, or hurt me, or even bother me when I’m right here in this moment with him.
He surrounds me.
I love it.
Not nearly as much as I love him.
No, the amount I love him scares me. It’s the kind of love you read about, the kind of love they make movies about, but you don’t honestly think you’ll ever experience it in your lifetime, hell, you question if it’s even a real thing. At least I did, until I met Brody. Then I felt it, really felt it. That ache in my heart when I think about him. The longing. The protective side. The pure bliss.
Just looking at him has my heart doing strange twists.
My stomach going into a giddy mess.
Brody is my world, and I’m confident enough to say I’m his.
That’s a nice feeling.
“Love you,” he murmurs when he lets me go. “I’m goin’ to go into town and get some beers, get ready for when Mick arrives. You want to come?”
“I can’t.” I smile. “I have to head into work for an hour to give them a hand.”
He nods, kissing me again. “See you later then?”
“Yeah, later.”
I watch him go, my heart swollen with happiness and love.
Nothing in the world can take that away from me.
Nothing.
~*~*~*~
You know when someone is broken.
I don’t know precisely what it is, but you can see it in their face. Not just the tight set of their jaw, but the way they smile, and frown, or the way their eyes seem almost vacant. Even if they’re laughing, they’re empty. Yes, you can tell a broken person, what’s worse is when the light is completely out.
Like someone has gone in there, switched it off, and buried the switch so deep you know you’ll never be able to turn it on again.
That’s how Mick looks.
Not that I know Mick all that well, but I’ve met him a few times and he always seemed friendly, happy, and easy going. He’s more the silent type, much like Brody, but he always had light in his eyes. Now, there is nothing in the steel-grey depths. They’re completely empty. Even though he’s smiling at me, talking to me, he’s missing something.
Something really vital.
I know Brody notices it, too. I can see the way he’s scanning Mick’s face, eyes narrowed, jaw tight. He’s trying to figure out what happened to his friend. He’s trying to figure out if there is anything he can do to help. Mick doesn’t say much. Just that an accident caused them to come home early, and he’s tired and wants some rest.
We let him go, let him sleep, and pray that he’ll wake up happier.
He doesn’t.
One day turns into a month, and Mick seems to be living in this empty, broken pit. He doesn’t talk about what happened, and we don’t push, because anyone knows you don’t push a man who has been fighting for his country to tell you details. No, you don’t push. You just be there, in whatever way you can be there. Which is what we’re doing, Brody and me.
Brody offered Mick a job, which he accepted, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Mick drinks a lot, I mean … a lot. He goes out every night, where, we don’t know. When he comes back he’s drunk and constantly mumbling to himself. Something is very wrong, and with every passing day, Brody becomes more concerned.
“Not really sure what to do,” Brody tells me the next night when we’re sitting on our porch, waiting for Mick to come home. It’s past nine in the evening.
“There isn’t much you can do. You know that, you’ve been in a broken place before. It didn’t matter what anyone said or did, you weren’t going to let them help.”
Brody exhales, sipping his beer. “Somethin’s got him fucked up. He mumbles a lot in his sleep, last night I heard him scream out. Somethin’ happened over there, and it’s botherin’ him. He’s lookin’ for somethin’, I just don’t know what it is.”
“Have you asked him?”
Brody shakes his head. “No, I haven’t. Didn’t think that was wise. Didn’t want to trigger him.”
I nod, understanding. “Maybe if you’re gentle about your approach, you could just ask him if everything is going okay. If he says it’s fine, you don’t have to push, but maybe he needs someone to talk to.”
It’s just a suggestion, but even I don’t know if it’s the right one. Maybe asking him will trigger something and it’ll go really badly. I don’t know, all I know is the man is obviously struggling and he’s obviously not coping.
A cab slows out the front of our house, distracting me from the conversation. I look over to see Mick getting out of it. He throws some money angrily at the driver, then turns to face us, and I gasp. Brody gasps. We both stare at the bruised, bloodied, battered man who now stumbles toward us. He’s beat up. Real good. What in the hell was he
doing?
“Man,” Brody says, standing and walking down the front steps, “what the fuck happened?”
“I joined a fight. It’s nothing,” Mick slurs, shoving Brody away when he tries to help him up the few porch steps.
“It’s not fuckin’ nothin’,” Brody growls. “Look at you, you’re fucked up, sit down so I can clean this shit up.”
“I’m fine, Brody,” Mick growls.
“You’re not fuckin’ fine, let me help you.”
Brody reaches for Mick again, and it’s like a switch is flipped. One minute Brody is on the porch, the next Mick is throwing him, almost quite literally, off the porch. Brody’s large body topples when Mick grabs his shoulders and hauls him out of the way. It topples right off the porch, down the two steps, and onto the grass in the front lawn. I gasp and stand up, but stop immediately when Mick roars, “I’m fuckin’ capable of taking care of myself. I’ve been out there a-fucking-lone, Brody. You were meant to come with me, but you got fucking whipped, you chickened out, you let me go alone and fuckin’ see shit,” Mick’s voice cracks, then he growls, “I don’t need your fucking help. Not now. Not ever.”
Then he stumbles inside, smearing bloodied handprints from his busted up knuckles on the wall as he slams the door.
I look to Brody, who is on his feet now, panting with rage. It’s the hurt that gets me the most, though. That blinding hurt in his eyes. The one that says Mick’s words just cut him to his very core. I know how much that would affect him, I know it and I’m smart enough not to ask if he’s okay, or if he needs help. I’m smart enough to stay exactly where I am, eyes locked on his, hoping that somewhere in their depths, he can see that I’m here, if he needs.
He turns and walks off, limping slightly.
He turns left and disappears down the street.
I glance back toward the front door and wonder if it’s worth going inside.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do right now.
I have a feeling, though, that this is the beginning of the end.