by Bella Jewel
He stares at me, jaw tight, frustration in his face. “What’s it going to take for me to get you out of this fight, Melanie?”
I think on this.
Really think on this.
I can’t ask something stupid, something that he’ll never agree to. I have to be smart with my demands. I know he doesn’t want me to see this, I know he wants me protected, I know he thinks he just wants me to move on and forget him. I know that deep down, he needs me, that he loves me, and so I think of the exact thing I know I can do, to give this one more shot. To try and change his mind, once and for all.
“You truly want me to stay away from that fight? Fine. I will. But only if you do something for me.”
He exhales, “What?”
“Take me out. One whole day, and one whole night.”
He goes to open his mouth to argue, but I cut him off.
“No, Brody, you’ve expected so much of me. You’ve broken my heart. You’ve put me second. You’ve done so much and yet I’m still here. The very least you can do for me, before you enter that god forsaken death ring, is give me that. One more day with you. If something happens to you in there, and what we have is truly the last memories of us, I’ll never get over it. It’ll haunt me for the rest of my days. I know you love me enough to not want me to live the rest of my damned life as broken as I am now. So, if you want me out of your way, then you’ll give me this.”
I say nothing more, but my heart is racing, my stomach twisting. It’s a big ask, I know it is. Especially right now. But maybe, just maybe, if I can get him for that long, I have a shot at changing his mind. And maybe I won’t. But my words still stand true. If he’s going to go into that ring, and there is nothing I can do to stop him, I need something else. Something good. Something that takes some of this horror away.
“You’re askin’ a lot, Melanie,” he murmurs, closing his eyes for a second.
“Am I? Do you really believe that? Because honestly, considering what you’ve put me through, I’d say you owe me.”
He makes a frustrated sound before he says, “If you promise to stay the fuck away from that fight, and promise to try and move on with your life, then I’ll give you what you ask for.”
My heart nearly leaps out of my chest. It feels like a moment in the movies where you want to skip and scream and do a happy dance.
I do none of those, I just simply say, “Thank you.”
“Saturday and Saturday night.”
I nod and watch him as he walks into the showers.
Only when he’s gone do I do that happy dance.
Oh, I do the happy dance all the way out of there.
This … this is my last shot.
I have to make it worth it.
23
THEN – BRODY
The days drag.
The nights are long.
Every god damned memory of Mick plays over and over in my head, like a fucking nightmare I can’t get to turn off.
I remember when we were kids, before all the shit went wrong in our lives. I remember the hours we used to play and ride our bikes, and I remember exactly how it sounded when he laughed. He was carefree back then, not a single fucking pain in the world. He was a good kid. A good person. Not tormented by life’s miseries.
I remember the first time we dated, and the first time we had sex. I remember the smile on his face as he strut through the house, telling me about how he’d lost his V card, and how fucking terrible it was, but how happy he had been, that he’d managed to lose it before finishing high school.
I remember the first time we spoke about joining the army. It had been our dream since we were kids. We made a pact, a promise, that we were going to do it together. Brothers, friends, for life. I remember how damned exciting that had been, thinking of going through life with my best friend by my side.
I remember the good in Mick, which is something everyone else has forgotten.
Yes, he fucked up. Yes, he’s gone and I can never fucking get him back. But I remember the good. I remember the fun. I remember the friendship.
He didn’t deserve to go out the way he did. In fear, thinking that he had nothing or no one left. I should have tried harder. I should have done something else, anything else. I should have taken this Sniper guy down for him, so he wasn’t so damned afraid. Remembering the look on his face the last time I saw him, I’ll never forget it. The pain, the hurt, the fear that laced his features.
I let him down.
Now I owe it to him, to make Sniper pay. To make them all pay.
This is my fault. Once again, I didn’t listen to someone in pain. Once again, a life was lost because of me.
I’ll give Mick his last wish. I’ll make Sniper wish he was never born.
“What are you doing?”
Melanie’s soft voice echoes through the room where I’ve just thrown my last item of clothing into the duffel I’m taking with me. I turn and glance at her, taking in her soft perfection. She’s beautiful. She’s the love of my fucking life. I’ll never, not for a single second, stop loving the woman standing in front of me. But I’m no good. I’m dangerous. She deserves so much fucking better.
I’ve already taken her to hell and back.
She’s going to hate what I’m about to do, but one day, one day when the pain has stopped, she’ll look back and thank me for taking myself out of her picture, out of her world. She can’t follow me on this quest, even though I know she’ll want to. She can’t fix me anymore. I’m so fucking broken I don’t even know how to put my own pieces back together. I’m not going to be the reason another person’s life is taken from them.
She deserves better than me.
I have to protect her.
“I’m going to find the man who sent Mick into his grave, that’s what I’m doing,” I mutter, my voice empty and emotionless.
The pain inside. It’s gone. It’s just numb, now. A broken fucking shell is all I am.
She’s better off without me.
“You can’t be serious,” she whispers, her voice hurt. She’s so tired. So drained. She doesn’t deserve any more crap from me. “Brody, Mick put himself in that mess. You seeking revenge … I don’t understand it. He made the mistakes.”
“Yeah, he did, but those men fuckin’ scared him into endin’ his own life. I should have done more. I should have helped him when he needed me to help him.”
“Brody, you did everything for him. You never stopped helping him.”
“I didn’t do enough,” I say, zipping the duffel and turning to face her. “I didn’t fight hard enough. He was fuckin’ terrified, Melanie. He was scared and he honestly felt like he had no way out. I should have found him a way out. I could have found a way to fix this for him, to get him help, but I didn’t. Now he’s gone. I don’t expect you to understand, but I won’t let his death be for nothin’.”
“So what?” she says, tears rolling down her cheeks. I’m so sick of seeing her crying, all because of me. It’s not fair. “You’re going to hunt this man down and end him because Mick took his own life?”
“That’s exactly what I’m goin’ to do. I’m goin’ to make sure he never does that to another human again. He’s scum. Pathetic dirt. I’m going to make him pay.”
“Brody!” she shouts, throwing her hands up. “Listen to yourself! This is about you, and your blame, it has nothing to do with Mick and his mistakes.”
“Enough,” I murmur, my voice low, a warning. She’s pushing something she doesn’t understand. She has no idea what it’s fucking like. “I’ve made my choice.”
“Where does that leave us?” she asks, her eyes filling with tears.
“You’re better off without me, Melanie. I’m broken. I can’t be fixed. You should move on, find someone great, fall in love with someone who puts you first …”
I’ll never forget the moment those words leave my lips, how I can see her heart break just by looking at her face. The way her mouth parts slightly, and I can hear the little sharp int
ake of breath. The way her lips start trembling. The way her eyes, oh her fucking eyes, the way they break. I can see it all unraveling in front of me, I can feel the empty broken pieces in my chest shatter, and yet I don’t do anything to stop it.
I stay standing where I’m standing.
Even though every inch of my body wants to go to her, to tell her I fucking love her so damned much and that’s why I’m doing this, that she deserves better than me. That this will be the final piece of the puzzle that shatters, and destroys me. Losing her, I’ll never get over it, but I can’t tell her that, I can’t tell her any of it.
I just have to do what I have to do.
I have to walk out of here, and leave the love of my life.
I have to leave her broken.
“You’re … you’re leaving me?” she whimpers, and her voice hitches, and it fucking kills me.
It tears me in two.
“I have to do this. I have to do this alone. I’m broken, Melanie. One day, one day you’ll thank me for this. One day you’ll see that I did you a favor. I’m sorry.”
I grab my duffel, sling it over my shoulder, and walk toward the door.
“Brody,” she cries, her voice pained. “Please … don’t.”
I glance at her, and her hands are shaking, and fucked if it doesn’t take every ounce of strength I ever had to do what I do next. “I don’t feel the same. It’s not fair anymore. I’ve lost myself. I have to go. I have to do this.”
“Y-y-y-you don’t love me anymore?”
I give the slightest shake of my head, because that’s the only thing I can give her. Because it’s a lie. A broken fucking lie. I feel the tears clinging, I feel my throat ache for them to release, but I don’t show that to her. I keep my face calm. My face empty.
“You’ll die,” she sobs, a loud, hysterical sound. “You’ll die out there, Brody. For what? You’re giving it all up for him.”
“If I die, I die. I have to do this. I’m sorry, Melanie.”
“Please,” she cries, rushing over, grabbing my arm, her tiny hands curling around it. “Please don’t leave me.”
I pull my arm out, gently. “I have to. I’m sorry. It’s over. We’re over.”
“Brody,” she screams as I walk out the door, closing it behind me. “Brody, no!”
The moment I step out of the house, a tear rolls down my cheek.
But I keep walking.
One day, one day she’ll see I did this for her.
One day, when she’s happy, she’ll realize that this was all for something.
One day.
One day, she’ll breathe again.
24
NOW – MELANIE
“He agreed to that?” Lee asks, sipping his beer and leaning back in his chair, staring at me with wide eyes.
“Yes, he did. I guess his need not to have me around all this is bigger than his need to stay away from me.”
“This is a great opportunity,” Lucy says, nodding. “Yes, this is perfect.”
“I mean, it’s only one day and one night, so I’m not sure how much I can change in his mind, but it’s something, right? It’ll be the best chance I get at doing that before he goes into this fight. If it doesn’t work, I don’t think anything I do will make a difference.”
“Judging by the way he reacted to seeing Archie and you together, I’d say you have a chance.” Lee nods. “But you have to be really damn careful, honey. He’s on the edge of something very dangerous, he’s going to be easily pushed over the edge.”
“Lee is right,” Erin agrees. “You want to tread carefully.”
I nod, loving that all of them care enough to make sure this goes okay for me, but I’ve already thought it through. The last few months, well, since Mick came home, it has been high pressure. Everything that has happened has been all about Mick and this pain and everything that’s broken. Brody has forgotten everything else, that’s all he remembers, it’s all he thinks about. It’s his one focus.
I want to show him, to remind him, of what things used to be like. What life was, before Mick came back, before things went bad.
I want to remind him why he loves me.
“I won’t be discussing Mick, or the fight, or anything else that has happened since the day that man came home. I know it’ll only end badly. No, I want to remind Brody of what life was like, before that …”
“Oh.” Lee raises his brows. “How do you plan on doing that?”
“Well, I’m going to take him back to the lake where we stayed when we all first met. I’m going to have fun with him. I’m going to remind him exactly why this focus of his, isn’t worth it.”
“That’s a great idea!” Lee nods. “Yes, going back there will be perfect.”
“That’s what I’m hoping.”
“I think it sounds perfect.” Lucy nods. “We’ll help you plan some stuff, but make sure the two of you just get some time alone, too. Not just fun, but quality. Talk, have some drinks, remind him why you’re the best damn thing to ever happen to him.”
Erin smiles, but I can see the weariness in her eyes.
“You’re worried,” I say to her.
“Yeah, a little. I think it’s a great idea, but I’m worried if it doesn’t work, it’s going to really put you in a bad place. I’m scared it’ll hurt so much more than it does now, if he goes through with this fight after it, and something bad happens to him …”
She’s right.
I’ve thought of that, too.
“I have considered that also,” I tell her. “Look, I don’t think I can possibly get any more hurt. But throw disappointment in there too, if it doesn’t work out, and yes I know it’ll be bad. But honestly, if he decides to go through with that fight, I’m going to be a mess, nothing is going to take away from that. I have to take this chance, because it’ll be the last one I get.”
Erin nods. “Well, we’re all going to be here for you, no matter what.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m so glad I came knocking that night, I don’t know what I would have done without all of you.”
Lee grins. “I think I like them more than you.”
I laugh and shove his shoulder. “Not possible. I saw them first, you just back off.”
We all laugh, and it feels nice.
It feels nice to laugh, and to have support, and to know that I have people who are going to have my back if this goes wrong.
It feels nice to have a chance, though.
One more chance to get Brody back.
One more chance to save the love of my life.
Not everyone gets that.
I’m going to hang onto it with both hands.
~*~*~*~
“Here’s how this is goin’ to go,” Lincoln says as we all sit out on his back porch one afternoon, having drinks.
I’ve kept my promise, I haven’t been back to the fighting ring, but when it comes to this stuff, I still tag along to hear what’s happening. Brody doesn’t argue with that, which I’m grateful for. I guess he knows I’ll find out one way or another, so I’m better off being involved. Everyone is here tonight, we’re having a cookout, which is nice. Brody and I go off on our trip tomorrow. I told him what we’re doing. He agreed, albeit with a gruff mumble.
He still agreed.
“The fight is two weeks from tomorrow. I’ve got six fighters coming through the doors in that time, six of the fuckin’ best. If you get through them,” he tells Brody, “you might just make it out of this. It’s still not going to fully prepare you for what’s to come, but I think you have a fair idea by now.”
Brody nods.
My stomach churns. I say nothing.
“The location isn’t the norm. They’re straying away from the club. Too many eyes. This one is outdoors.”
Outdoors?
What the hell?
“Isn’t that even more dangerous?” I ask, confused.
“Yeah, it is. A lot more can go wrong in an environment like that, but it makes the bets bigger, more people,
more action,” Lincoln tells me. “They do them occasionally, sometimes for really big fights. They clean up.”
“And they can bury the body out there,” Slater mutters.
My eyes swing to his, and he looks immediately like he regrets those words. “Why would you say that?” I whisper.
“Look,” Lincoln says, cutting me off before I lose it, which he knows I’m about to. “I have no control over that. The only good thing about an outdoor fight, is it’s easier for me to keep an eye out, and to get you out, if need be.”
“I won’t be goin’ anywhere,” Brody says, his voice hard. “Once I’m in, I’m in. That’s the end of it.”
Lincoln nods, but something in his eyes is telling me he still hopes Brody will pull out, or he might have to bail him out, either is probably better than him actually going through with the fight.
“Can we talk about something else now,” Shania says, shaking her head. “This is making me feel unwell.”
“I agree,” Erin pipes up, standing and going toward the door. “I’ll make us all cocktails. We should be allowed some fun.”
“I’ll help!” Lucy says, jumping up and rushing inside after her.
“So, honey, how are you doing?” Shania asks, walking over and sitting beside me.
“I’m doing okay, as okay as I can be, I guess.”
She nods. “I’m sorry you have to sit here and listen to this, I know you want to, but all the same it must be horrible knowing there is nothing you can do.”
“Yeah,” I tell her, voice soft, glancing at Brody who is watching me. “It is.”
“Come on, let’s get you drunk. That always helps right?”
I laugh. “It sure does.”
Five drinks and a lot of laughter later, I’m drunk.
She’s right, it does help.
Probably only because Brody is here. He’s here and he’s unwound just a touch. After a few drinks, he’s actually smiled once, which god, I haven’t seen in so many months. I’ve missed that smile. I’ve missed seeing him not so tense. I’ve missed so much about him. It’s taking all my strength not to rush over and jump him. Of course, I’m not going to do that, I’m keeping my shit together.