All she’d wanted was to keep the peace with Trevor. Show him she and Josh were fine without him. Satisfy his need to drop in on their lives. Yeah, except, Cole hadn’t cared to hear the truth from her, which meant exactly one thing. Deep down, he didn’t actually love her.
“I think it’s best that you don’t count on Cole. I really don’t want to talk about him anymore.” The words came out tight.
“But—he—”
“Josh!” Her raised voice filled the small apartment. “I don’t want to talk about him. You have to stop asking about him. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.” She sucked in a deep breath. Smoke. “The pancakes!” It registered in her mind the same time Josh shouted.
Acrid black billowed from the pan.
She swiped the pan from the burner and turned off the stove. A piercing blare blasted through the apartment. The smoke detectors had been hardwired and all three of them erupted in quick succession. Even on its highest setting, the stove vent did little to pull any smoke from the room. Megan grabbed a towel and waved it at the smoke detector with zero success.
“No! No-no-no!” She hauled a dining room chair into the kitchen and stood on it, flailing the towel until the electronic blasts ceased.
“Hey, Megs, are you okay?” Ivy opened the apartment door and let herself in. “Oh, Megan…” Ivy’s eyes went from the blackened pancakes to Megan’s bare feet on the chair.
Yeah, Megan probably looked pathetic. She’d donned her rattiest clothes and put barely a thought into pulling her hair back. Nothing said I-don’t-care like chipped toenail polish, greasy hair, and an eight-year-old torn T-shirt.
“I hope you weren’t coming for breakfast. Unless you like blackened pancakes and bad company.”
“No, no thanks.” Ivy dropped her satchel and opened the window, letting in the cold, early-February air.
“Breakfast is going to have to be fend-for-yourself, Josh.”
He nodded, avoided looking at her. She wanted to reach out, hold him. But she couldn’t stand the thought of him pulling away. He tugged on his socks and shoes.
“Unfortunately, we don’t have much because I still need to go shopping.”
“However,” Ivy interjected, “I’ve brought you half a dozen of World’s Best, so, donuts for the win!” She set the box onto the countertop in front of Josh and flipped open the lid. “I’ll bet you can find something you like in here. Grab it fast before it tastes like it came from a smokehouse.”
He nodded and snagged the chocolate-filled Long John. “Thank you.” He hitched his backpack onto his shoulder. “I’d better go wait for my ride. Bye.”
No hug goodbye today. Well, she probably didn’t deserve one.
“Goodbye.” The words caught in Megan’s throat. “I love you.”
The door snapped closed.
Megan turned to Ivy. “I’m a terrible mother.”
“Everyone burns the food sometimes.”
“No. I got mad at Josh. He wouldn’t quit asking about Cole and I yelled at him.” She dumped the frying pan into the sink and filled it with water. “I just wish I hadn’t dragged Josh into the middle of it.”
“Are you ready to talk about what happened?”
“Not really.” Megan gave the pan a furious scrubbing.
“It isn’t over, right? I mean—you two are crazy about each other.”
“Crazy sums it all up. Because you heard me tell him to go.” She could still see the wrecked look in his eyes. As if she had wholly decimated him. The memory carved out her heart and she wanted to weep. And then… Oh, her heart still ached. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “And when I went to find him, to explain, he called me Becca. And then, he told me to go.”
Ivy sucked in a breath. “Megs.” She set down her maple Long John and folded Megan into her arms. “I’m sorry.”
And all the emotions Megan had tried to hold together broke free in sobs. “How could I let him into our lives? He knows me. He should know I’d never do that to hurt him.”
“You used to talk about getting back together with Trevor. And Cole’s got a wounded heart too. It’s hard to trust when you’ve been betrayed so many times.”
“But Trevor and I are over. Way over.” She pulled away, wiped her nose with a tissue, and threw it into the trash. “It doesn’t matter that he’s had a turnaround in his life. I thought Cole was the one who’d keep his promises. The one who might love me—might see me as…enough.”
“I think he does love you.” Ivy went to the sink and dumped a generous amount of powdered cleanser into the pan and began scrubbing. “Cole does want you. Or, he did.”
And Megan couldn’t escape the memory of the rejection on his face when she’d told him he needed to go. Like she’d crushed him with those four words.
“If that were enough, then he would have listened when I tried to explain. Instead, he shut me out. Ignored all the promises he made, and then he abandoned us. Just left us there. He said he was sorry he ever came back to Deep Haven.”
Which meant sorry he’d come back to her. He didn’t even have to say the words.
“Pain says ugly things.”
“Don’t do that, Ivy.” Megan bit her lip and blinked back tears. “Don’t defend what he said to me.”
“Megan, I’m not.”
“Ivy, my parents left me. Trevor left me. And now, Cole. I tried so hard to do what’s right—fill their needs.”
“We can’t earn anyone’s love any more than we can earn God’s love.”
Megan let out a sharp laugh. “If God loves me as much as I try to believe, then why does my life feel so empty?”
Ivy frowned. “Is it really empty?”
Josh’s gear bag leaning against the door caught Megan’s eye. She could almost hear his laughter fill the space. She wiped the tears that fell. And Ivy, standing there washing her pan.
“No.” Her voice cracked, jagged with emotion.
“God is enough. You don’t have to be—you can’t be, in the deepest sense of it all.” Ivy grabbed the towel and began drying the pan. “We are all wholly inadequate. That’s exactly why we need our Savior. We sin, no matter how hard we desire not to. We hurt each other.” She set the clean pan down on the stove. “And yet, He loves us.”
Megan covered her face in her hands. “I can’t escape the feeling that I should have done more. He didn’t ask me for anything—maybe that’s where I failed.”
“I understand how you feel. I wanted desperately to fix Darek’s problems, but I ended up having to take away his son on behalf of the court!” Ivy closed her eyes. “Let me tell you—that was a nightmare for someone who prides themselves on fixing things.” She turned on the burner. “He felt betrayed, of course.”
Megan blew her nose again, wiped her eyes on her shirt sleeve. “What happened?”
“God took care of it in ways I never would have guessed or imagined. Far better than I could have.” Ivy poured batter into the pan. “Darek had to choose forgiveness—but he had to find his own path there.”
“I don’t think there’s any way I can make Cole forgive me.”
“Stop trying, Megan. That’s what I had to learn. I had to let God do His work and accept whatever His answer was. I realized it wasn’t up to me to fix it.” She set down the bowl of batter. “And it isn’t up to you. You can’t depend on earning Cole’s love.” She looked at Megan. “I would never be enough to earn Darek’s love, to put it in your terms. I’m going to fail.”
Megan leaned into the words. Except, Cole had chosen not to love her.
And never would. And she wasn’t sure how she’d come to peace with that. “I heard from Seb that Cole was hired by the U.S. Marshals Service,” Megan said. “I have two weddings to do by myself.” She gave Ivy a look. “Cole emailed me the spreadsheet file he created for the Crawford-Lee wedding. I couldn’t even make myself open it.”
Ivy plated a small stack of pancakes and slid them in front of Megan. “Trust God.”
“I was going to
eat the donuts.” Megan gave her a half smile.
“I don’t recommend putting yourself into a sugar coma. You’re going to need clear thinking to pull off two weddings. I’ll talk to Raina and we’ll see what we can do to help you out.” She reached out and placed a hand on Megan’s arm. “You’re going to get through this. Remember, none of this surprises God.”
“Thank you—but you really don’t have to do that. I’ll figure it out.” She shivered against the cold air and slammed the window closed.
“You don’t have to figure it out on your own. That’s what I’m trying to get through your head.” Ivy grabbed her coat. “I need to get going. I’ll connect with you later, okay?” She reached forward, squeezed Megan’s shoulder before drawing her into another hug. “Really. You’re going to get through this.”
Megan closed the door behind her, the silence assaulting her senses.
Just like it had when Trevor walked out, leaving her heaving on the bathroom floor with morning sickness. Just like it had when her parents left town, without even a thought of her and Josh.
Alone.
Except… But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.
She watched Ivy’s car pull away. Cole’s Jeep still wasn’t at his house, but Nathan had stopped by and shoved a For Sale sign into the snow. So, the house was officially on the market.
And apparently, so was she.
Trust God.
Chapter 15
Three nights in DC hadn’t done anything to still the restlessness in Cole’s heart, and his return to Deep Haven to finish packing up the house only made it worse. The VFW had become his hiding place and he sat at the bar, staring at his untouched drink.
He’d avoided Megan since he’d returned to town.
He could still see her face that night at the hotel. The hurt, shock, and anger. But he knew what he saw. She didn’t even deny it.
She hadn’t called. Not that he expected it. If he’d been wrong, then he couldn’t imagine she’d have much to say to him. Okay, maybe she’d have a lot to say. And if he’d been right, then what was left to say?
He just didn’t come back from betrayal. We can work this out. We can rebuild our marriage. Rebecca’s voice, right before he walked out on her. But she’d left him first, right?
And at the time, his anger felt justified. Even satisfying.
Not this time.
By the time his plane had landed in DC, he didn’t know what to believe even after two hours of pacing and ranting across the over-priced, six-hundred-square-foot span of David’s apartment. Cole had stared at the nearly vacant two-bedroom. A crash pad for a nomad. No more a home than the sandy tents they’d slept in halfway around the world.
Home.
David had handed him a bottle of water and told him to sit down. Then he’d surprised Cole.
What are you doing here, man? You’ve never been this worked up over a girl—not even Rebecca. Go home. He’d reached out and placed a hand on Cole’s shoulder. Work it out. Find a way. I’m kicking you off my couch.
He’d tried to shake off David’s words. They’d driven him back to Deep Haven. Cole told himself it was to pack. Let Nathan sell his place. He could send Cole the papers.
Except, he’d barely packed half a box before making his way back here to his new stool at the bar where he’d spent the past two nights.
Darek slid onto the stool next to him, followed by Casper on the opposite side.
“Why does this feel like an ambush?”
Darek clapped him on the shoulder. “We’re here as the brothers you never had. You know, brothers have a way of telling you how it is.”
“Come on, guys, really? Both of you?”
“Don’t make us take this outside. There’s two of us, Ranger.” Casper ordered a Coke. “Even at your best, I don’t know that you could beat the both of us.”
Darek nodded. “Lucky for you, we aren’t here to fight. We’re actually here to meet with Seb and Jensen about starting a team and decided we’d swing over to see how you are.”
Cole stared at his drink. “Good luck with that—the team.”
“Dude—I heard a rumor that you’re bailing on us. What gives?” Casper took his Coke from the bartender.
“I was wrong.”
Casper snagged a pretzel from the bowl on the counter. “About what?”
“Megan.”
Darek leaned in. “Yeah, I’m still waiting to hear what in the world happened in Minneapolis.”
“She lied to me, that’s what happened. Just like my ex-wife.”
Casper frowned. “That doesn’t sound like Megan.”
“I would agree with you except I saw it all happen.” Even as he said the words, they’d lost their venom. She’d looked…devastated by his accusations. Not guilty or caught. And then she’d gotten angry. Maybe the kind of angry that comes from being wrongly vilified.
He’d hurt her.
Darek’s brows drew together. “Sometimes what we see isn’t an accurate representation of the truth.”
“Even still—it would be better for her to marry Josh’s dad.” He’d missed Josh’s game. Left the kid hanging without even a goodbye. And, oh, the way Josh’s face crumpled when he came out the door, saw Cole with Trevor pressed up against the wall. Geez, he was just like his grandfather. Josh deserved better.
Casper put a hand on his shoulder. “That couldn’t be farther from the truth. You know my story about Layla. I can’t even believe it, but I once thought something along the lines of what you’re saying. I even tried to get Owen to marry Raina. I can’t begin to tell you how wrong that would have been for every single one of us.”
“I saw her with her ex. They looked pretty friendly.” Cole tried to push the image from his mind. How easily he’d been replaced. “And then, she chose him over me. Right there, in the middle of the party.” He gestured toward Darek. “You saw it.”
“Don’t be dense, Cole. You know, for an Army Ranger, you’re sure obtuse.” Casper took a drink of his Coke.
“Has it ever occurred to you that she was terrified Trevor would engage her in a custody battle? That maybe she was trying to keep you from getting an assault charge?” Darek narrowed a look at him. “Do you really think taking the Deputy Marshal job will solve your problems?”
“Or are you willing to stay and fight for the woman you love?” Casper said.
“Are you willing to find forgiveness?” Darek still held his eyes on him.
“And going to quit letting anger fuel your decisions?” Casper added.
“Admit you were wrong?”
“Quit pushing people away?” Casper set down his drink like a gavel.
“Take a breath. Sheesh.” Cole swallowed. “Custody?”
“He’s a lawyer, dude. A high-powered lawyer with far deeper pockets and legal skills than Megan has.”
Megan was the kind of person who might feel pressured to say yes to the needs of others. To, yes, fix the problem herself.
Cole grimaced.
He heard his terrible words to her. I’m sorry I ever came back to Deep Haven.
And the look on her face…stripped. Because he might as well have said he was sorry he’d ever come back to her.
“Don’t let your pride stop you from working through this with Megan,” Casper said. “The truth is you walked out on her the same way your grandfather emotionally checked out on you. And you may not have left any physical marks on her, but I’m sure the emotional beating you gave her left a few open wounds.”
Cole tightened his grip on the glass, the thought turning his gut. He hadn’t meant to hurt her. Or maybe he had.
Or maybe he was just tired of being hurt and fired back without thinking. Because, yeah. He’d learned to act first. Protect himself. Whether that meant lashing out or leaving. And he’d done both.
Darek and Casper stood to go as Seb, Kyle, and Jensen entered the VFW together. “Looks like our meeting is abou
t to start.” Darek paused. “Listen, Cole. There will always be pain in this life. Always be people we care about who hurt us. But you can’t abandon them or push them away every single time, or you’ll always end up alone. Relationships are hard…but they’re worth it. Forgiveness is worth it.” He looked at Casper. “Take it from a couple hardheaded, happily married brothers. Take a risk.”
Casper nodded. “Take some time to think about what you really want your life to be before you leave town. Okay?”
He nodded halfheartedly, but the words soaked into Cole as he sat there surrounded by the sounds of the men discussing the potential for a local Crisis Response Team and the niggling sense that he should be part of it.
He left the VFW, climbed into his Jeep, and drove toward the house.
But he couldn’t stop there. It stood dark. Vacant, like his days since he’d left Megan and Josh. He kept driving until he reached the memory care facility.
Restore us.
God does not waste our suffering. And then Pastor Dan had added the words that Cole still didn’t quite know what to do with. If we never suffer, how do we ever realize we need more?
More. Like Christ in his life. Not a token Bible in his bedroom, but an integral part of his life. And…forgiveness?
What if he can’t apologize?
Cole had determined he’d never become like his grandfather. Never lash out at those closest to him. Protect the vulnerable.
The truth is you walked out on her the same way your grandfather emotionally checked out on you.
The words seeped into him, permeating to the marrow of his bones.
He could do better—he was better, right?
Or maybe not. Maybe, despite his efforts, he was exactly the same as his grandpa. Broken, mourning, and alone.
After being buzzed in, he went to his grandfather’s room.
Empty.
The bed was stripped. The room cleaned. The smell of pine cleaner and disinfectant permeated the air.
What?
“Mr. Barrett? I’m so sorry—we tried to reach you.” Ms. Chase, the case manager, was walking down the hall.
“Where’s my grandfather?”
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