Becker gave her a long gaze and shook his head in thought. “Hmm… you have a point there. But if it’s not you, then who is it?”
“It must be someone who knew about the handover.” Sabine nudged him to where she wanted to have him.
“We won’t jump to conclusions here, but I might have to interrogate Fräulein Kerber,” he said, making a whipping movement with his hand.
Sabine felt hot and cold shivers racing across her skin. More sins piled up on her mountain of transgressions.
He pursed his lips when noticing the obvious distress on Sabine’s face. “We don’t take these things lightly, but since Fräulein Kerber has faithfully worked for us such a long time, I’ll be gentle if she’s really innocent.”
Did the Gestapo even know the meaning of the words gentle and innocent? Sabine did her best to control her emotions and kept her voice calm when she asked, “What do you want me to do now?”
“Go home and pretend nothing is amiss. I will contact you should I need you.” He dismissed her with a wave of his hand.
Sabine itched to ask questions about her husband, but she knew better than to destroy the fragile goodwill she’d just built with the Gestapo officer.
Chapter 26
The May night was warm, and daylight wouldn’t settle until way past ten p.m. Sabine decided to walk the long way home. She needed to think. The day had been one long succession of events. Guilt, relief, sorrow and pride fought an unrelenting battle in her confused heart.
She had done something despicable. No. You’ve done a long line of reprehensible acts. Thrown an innocent woman under the train to save herself, although innocent wasn’t exactly applicable. Lily would – and had – gladly sacrificed anyone in her way.
But knowledge of her rival’s faults did nothing to lift the burden of guilt from Sabine’s shoulders, and she longed to visit Pfarrer Bernau. He’d be able to set her moral compass straight, or at least he’d absolve her from her sins if she confessed. But she couldn’t visit him. The Gestapo had probably followed her, and it would only serve to attract attention to her, and the priest.
No, she had to stay put. Do as Becker had ordered. Act normal. But how did she do that when she no longer understood the meaning of the word?
Sabine took a lukewarm bath and settled onto the couch with a cup of tea. Her entire belief system lay in tatters at her feet. How could she ever have subscribed to the opinion that minding her own business was the right course of action? Hadn’t that been the most selfish way of thinking?
She fell into a troubled sleep on the couch but was awakened bright and early on Sunday morning by a loud knocking on the apartment door. She clambered to her feet, smoothing her hands over the clothing she’d fallen asleep in the night before. The knocking came again, and she hurried to open the door before it awakened the nosy neighbor, Frau Weber.
“Kriminalkommissar?” She hissed at the sight of Becker and two SS officers standing outside the door.
“May we come in?” he asked.
So he hasn’t come to arrest me. Sabine stepped aside. “Please excuse the disarray. I was too tired to tidy up last night.”
Becker stepped into the sitting room, the two SS men in their black uniforms following behind. “We captured the priest.”
Sabine suppressed a shriek.
“He’s still under interrogation but it seems he was the head of the organization.”
“The priest?” Sabine couldn’t believe her ears, sorrow about Pfarrer Bernau entering her heart. “I only met him once, but he seemed such a nice person.”
Becker glared at her. “This is the very reason why the church is a thorn in Hitler’s side. Not only do her members oppose the National Socialist ideals, but also her priests are like wolves in sheep’s clothing, misleading innocent citizens.”
For lack of an appropriate response she nodded.
“And there’s more good news,” Becker said, pleased with himself. “While Fräulein Kerber hasn’t confessed yet about her involvement with the resistance group, she has admitted to working for a variety of other interests, including the NKVD.”
“She was working for the Russians?” Sabine’s jaw fell to the floor.
“It would seem so. She had never intended to help the Reich, but only used her position for personal gain. The interloper willingly betrayed our country to the Russian secret police for a substantial amount of money.”
“What’s to become of her?” Despite all that Lily had done, Sabine still felt sorry for the other woman and hoped she’d at least be granted a fast and painless death.
“That is for the judge to decide, after we have extracted all the relevant information she possesses.” The cold steel in Becker’s voice chilled her to the bone and she didn’t even want to consider how exactly he planned to extract that information. “But Fräulein Kerber is not your problem. Neither is Frau Klausen.”
Sabine had totally forgotten about Frau Klausen and Ursula and now her stomach churned at the thought of what might happen to them. “You have arrested them, too?”
“No, they’re exonerated.” He lips pursed into an icy smile. “The priest confessed that he’d been tricking them into helping him by pretending that he worked under the authority of the housing agency, seeking to find new quarters for bombed-out victims.”
Pfarrer Bernau had sacrificed himself to save Ursula and her mother? That man was a saint. She couldn’t suppress a gasp and quickly said, “What a devious man!”
“Yes. And he’ll pay the price. As we speak my men are practicing some new techniques on him.” Becker’s devilish smile churned Sabine’s stomach. The mere sight of the odious man made her want to throw up.
She wanted to pummel her fists into his chest, pounding out every raw emotion as she demanded he let Pfarrer Bernau go free.
Observing her distress, Becker smirked and began to detail some of the torture methods used on the unfortunate souls who fell into the Gestapo’s hands. She felt dizziness unsteady her and put her hand on the drawer for support.
“You look pale, Frau Mahler, are you feeling unwell?” he said, putting a hand on her arm. It took all her self-control not to yank her arm away and upset him.
“Your descriptions…this is a lot to take in on an empty stomach,” she said.
“That’s because you’re a woman. Women are driven by emotions. They’re weak, unintelligent and irrational. But…” his face came so close to hers, she could smell his breath heavy with tobacco and see the dark speckles in his irises, “…you agree that each has to be rendered his just desserts, don’t you?”
She didn’t think anyone should be rendered torture, but with Becker’s breath brushing her face she nodded.
“Including you and your husband?”
Her eyes went wide and vomit threatened to spill into her mouth. “Me?”
“Yes.” He flashed that vile smile again, torturing her with his words. An expression of gleeful delight lined his face as he basked in her terror. “You have proven a remarkably useful agent for us and I have decided to reward you for your services to the Reich by returning your husband later today.”
“You will? Thank you!”
“Don’t thank me. We both only followed our orders. I’ll be in touch.” Becker nodded at the two SS men and together they left the apartment. Sabine followed them with shaking knees, locking and bolting the door behind them.
Chapter 27
Two hours later, a knock came on the apartment door. Sabine hurried toward it, wild butterflies dancing in her stomach. It was Werner! It had to be! Joy threaded through her at the expectation of seeing her husband again.
When she opened the door, she could barely suppress a gasp. Her handsome, virile husband was a mere shadow of his former self. His short brown hair had grown into a matted mess and despite his twenty-seven years, grey strands adorned his temples. His face was hollow and grey, his dirty bloodstained clothes hanging in rags from his lanky frame.
But he was alive. And free.
“Sabine,” he said with a shaky voice, taking an even shakier step toward her. With great effort he made it to the sitting room and tumbled onto the couch.
“Werner, my love. You’re here,” she stated the obvious, showering kisses on his bruised face.
“I thought I’d never see you again after…”
“Shush. That’s in the past now. You’re here. Free and alive.” Sabine gingerly placed a kiss upon his lips, barely daring to touch him for fear of causing him pain. “Are you hungry?”
“Yes. Very much so.”
She drew him a bath and helped him into the tub before she disappeared into the kitchen to prepare something to eat. But the joy of having him back was dampened by worry about Becker’s parting shot. I’ll be in touch. He expected her to continue working for him. She’d proved remarkably useful for the Reich. That’s what he’d said.
But she wouldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t betray her morals again, not even to keep Werner alive. It wasn’t right.
With the potatoes boiling on the stove, she entered her bedroom and knelt on the floor to retrieve her suitcase from under the bed. She heaved it onto the bed and opened it. There wasn’t much inside: one single set of clothing for Werner, including his favorite sweater. She caressed the soft dark blue wool, remembering better times. Before all this had happened. A queasy feeling welled up in her stomach and for a fleeting moment she thought she’d vomit.
All the excitement of the past weeks had made her feel unwell most of the time, but that would now change, as soon as calm was restored in her life. She took the clothes, except for the woolen sweater, and knocked on the bathroom door, “Werner, do you need help?”
“No, but please come in.” He looked a lot better, the dirt and blood of weeks washed away, but the bruises and cuts still marked his flesh. Somehow he managed to smile, showing a new tooth gap. “You can’t imagine how glad I am to be here with you.”
A flush heated her cheeks. Being this near to him made her emotions bubble up, but this wasn’t the moment to pursue intimacy, since she feared every touch would cause him pain. “Here are clean clothes for you. I’ll be in the kitchen. Yell if you need help.”
Sabine pulled the door shut and escaped into the kitchen, occupying her hands and mind with making the roast potatoes he so much loved. She found a piece of ham in the pantry and cut it into pieces to add into the pan.
Just when she finished setting the table, he suddenly stood behind her, naked from the waist up. He wrapped his arms around her waist. His embrace felt different – bony, insecure. Her heart broke when she thought about all the things the Gestapo must have done to him.
“Could you maybe have a look at my back?”
“Oh!” Tears stung at her eyes when she saw the torn flesh on his back. Red lines crisscrossed the skin, a permanent reminder of Becker’s flogging. “Sit down and I’ll get the first aid kit. Some of the lacerations are infected.”
“No surprise.”
Sabine returned with the first aid kit and carefully cleaned out the deepest of the wounds, wiping away the infection until the wound ran clear. She dabbed some antiseptic on it, wincing when Werner groaned. After placing Band-Aids across the seeping wounds, she helped him put on his shirt.
“Thank you,” he said, reaching for her hand and pulling her to stand between his knees. “I love you so much…”
“I love you, too. I was so frightened they’d kill you.”
“There were days when I wished they would, but then I would close my eyes and see your face. You gave me the will to keep living.”
Humbled, Sabine slid onto a chair next to him. “Eat and then you need to rest.”
Werner devoured the food like a wolf and Sabine pointed toward her bedroom. “Go. I will clean up and join you.”
“You are not going to work today?”
“It’s Sunday.”
“I didn’t realize…” Werner trotted into the bedroom, where she joined him after washing the dishes and leaving the kitchen spick and span. Now that Werner was back she’d apply in the housing office for a different place to live.
She slid her shoes off and slipped onto the bed, where he was lying on his stomach. “Rest, my darling. You’re safe now.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“They won’t be bothering us again. Not right away, at least.”
Werner turned around and sat up, wincing with pain, and frowned as he looked at her face. “How do you know that? What did you do?”
Guilt came rushing back, threatening to drown her, and she stalled. “Do you know why you were arrested?”
“No. They never even told me. They simply seemed to enjoy making me scream…” His face distorted into a grimace at the memory.
A shudder racked her body and she took his hands into hers, tearing her eyes away from his gaze. But he wouldn’t be fooled. They’d lived together too long for him not to know when something was wrong.
“Why do you look so guilty? Sabine, what was this all about? What did you do?”
She took a deep breath, and her voice was hoarse when she spoke, “I became their informant.” Her eyes cast downward to their intertwined hands, she continued, “This apartment? You know who lives here? Frau Klausen and her daughter.”
“Frau Klausen…you mean the coworker Lily wanted you to spy on?” Werner’s eyes widened in shock.
“Yes. I believe it was Lily’s idea to use you as leverage when I didn’t agree the first time she asked me. Kriminalkommissar Becker made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. Spy on Frau Klausen and bring them the head of the organization in exchange for your life.”
“You agreed? You’re working for the Gestapo now?” Gratitude was washed away by disgust on his face.
“It was a one-time thing, and it’s not like I had a choice,” she defended herself.
“There’s always a choice.” He pried his hands from hers.
“I chose you.”
“You shouldn’t have. How can I live with the knowledge that my own wife sent others into the Gestapo torture chambers just to save me? I would have preferred to die.” His voice, hard as steel, slapped her, rendering her speechless. After everything she’d been through, she didn’t think she could handle his rejection, too. He turned around, presenting her his back. “Go, please. I need sleep.”
“Werner…”
“Go.”
Sabine left the bedroom and collapsed onto the couch, only to rush into the bathroom and throw up. Her gaze fell on the mirror cabinet and another wave of revulsion hit her body.
She hadn’t bled since she’d moved here, more than two months ago. Sinking onto the cold tiles, she wrapped her trembling arms around herself.
Why now of all times?
* * *
Several hours later Sabine was mending clothes, listening to the radio. Zarah Leander was singing Davon geht die Welt nicht unter, ”This Isn’t the End of the World”. She jumped when Werner appeared in front of her and said, “We need to talk.”
“About what?”
“About my wife working for the Gestapo.” His face still showed disapproval over her actions.
“I’m not working for them, not anymore.” She put her mending work aside and observed how he positioned himself a few steps away from her, feet hip-wide apart and arms crossed in front of his chest. She sighed, knowing he wouldn’t let her off the hook until she’d told him everything. “They torched our house and assigned me to live here with Frau Klausen and her daughter.”
If this revelation shocked him, he didn’t let it show. “Continue.”
“I was to become friendly with them…” – she remembered how that had been a failure, since Frau Klausen had suspected something – “…and when they went to visit family several days ago, I finally managed to infiltrate the resistance organization. I was supposed to move a girl into hiding.”
“You handed a child over to those thugs?” Werner’s eyes blazed with rage.
She shook her head, rememberi
ng the bugs in the apartment. With a finger to her lips, she stood up and turned the radio louder, before she motioned for Werner to sit with her. Since he shook his head, she went on her tiptoes and whispered into his ear, “The Gestapo can hear us.”
“I don’t want to sit.” He glared at her.
“We’ll stand then. I couldn’t do it. Just before handing her over to the Gestapo, I escaped with the girl and brought her to the priest who’d arranged everything.”
“You what?” His voice was hard as steel, but at least the piercing stare of his eyes had softened.
“I brought her to a safe place.”
“So why did they let me go?” Werner might have been beaten to shreds, but his sharp mind still worked.
“I…I might have insinuated that someone had warned the organization.”
“Someone?”
“Well, yes…I might have mentioned Lily’s name.” Sabine’s knees trembled.
“Our neighbor, Lily? You ratted her out to the Gestapo?”
“It’s not that she was innocent. It was her idea to arrest you, and she’d betrayed so many people to the Gestapo during the past years. Hundreds! She admitted it! Even if she hasn’t committed this crime, her hands are steeped in blood.”
He sank onto the couch, taking her with him. “You’re not serious, are you?”
“Unfortunately, I am. There was no other way out. She apparently confessed to having worked for the NKVD as well. The priest sacrificed himself to clear Frau Klausen and her daughter and the Gestapo is convinced I was the one handing them the head of the organization.”
“That is a lot to take in,” Werner said. Silence enshrouded the room, but Sabine refused to beg for understanding. He’d have to come to his own conclusions. She wasn’t exactly proud of what she’d done, but she’d been backed into a corner with no way out.
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