‘No ideas what it could be?’
I shrugged. ‘Nothing concrete. Some secret from long ago? Something he knows that Lil doesn’t, or vice versa? But I can’t think what it could be.’
Jack made a face. ‘All families have secrets,’ he said.
‘And thank goodness they do, or I’d be out of a job,’ I joked.
‘Do you reckon it’s all to do with this dishonourable discharge?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admitted. ‘It seems strange to have two secrets in one family but I can’t for the life of me see how they’re connected.’ I shook my head. ‘But they have to be, don’t they? Otherwise why would Dad be so desperate for me to find out more? All I know is Lil did something wrong and she doesn’t want us to know about it.’
‘But you don’t reckon it was that bad?’
I shrugged again. ‘It’s Lil, isn’t it? How bad can it be? Elly says it’s probably just that she had an affair with her boss, or with a woman,’ I said, taking the shoes the woman at the counter handed me, as Jack gave her his credit card. ‘And that I shouldn’t feel guilty about finding out more because it won’t change anything.’
Jack took his own shoes, and turned to face me. ‘What do you think?’ he said. ‘Do you feel guilty?’
I made a face. ‘Truthfully?’ I said, gazing up at him. He was much taller in real life than he looked on the TV and, I thought, much more handsome. I took a breath. ‘I think Elly’s right. Dad’s so desperate to know more, and it won’t change anything for Lil.’
‘So we’ll carry on?’ Jack said. ‘You’ll carry on, I mean?’
‘I know that in theory it’s going against Lil’s wishes, but I can’t really see it’s that bad,’ I said. Was I talking Jack into it, or myself? I didn’t know.
Jack nodded thoughtfully. ‘You could be right,’ he said.
Then he grinned. ‘I’m pleased you said you’d come tonight.’
My stomach flipped over. ‘It was kind of you to think of me,’ I said politely, not wanting to misjudge the situation.
‘I wasn’t being kind,’ Jack said. He dropped the bowling shoes he was holding on to the floor, then he took mine out of my hands and dropped them too.
‘Jack?’ I began.
‘They’re getting in the way,’ he said. He gathered me into his arms, bent his head down and kissed me. Right there, in the reception area of the bowling alley with me holding on to Dora’s buggy with one hand.
‘Your lane’s ready,’ the receptionist said behind us and we broke apart, grinning like lovesick teenagers at each other. Jack scooped up the shoes and we headed over to start the game.
‘That was unexpected,’ I said, my head still spinning. It was a long time since anyone had kissed me like that.
‘Thought we should do it first,’ Jack said. He handed me my shoes and started pressing buttons on the screen that controlled the game. ‘Then it’s not hanging over us all evening and we won’t be worrying about it.’
I laughed. ‘Very practical,’ I said. ‘And really, very lovely.’
Lovely was an understatement. It had woken all sorts of feelings inside me that I’d thought I’d locked away.
Jack grinned at me. ‘We can have another go later,’ he said. ‘There, all ready.’
He hit one of the buttons and our screen flashed up with our names. Sort of. He’d written Heleeena and Jcak.
‘Oh,’ he said.
‘Let me.’ I reached past him, relishing the feeling of his body next to mine, and corrected his dodgy typos.
He put his arm round me and squeezed me tight. ‘Helena,’ he said. ‘I know this sounds crazy, but I want to spend a lot more time with you. I don’t want to come on too strong, though, or scare you off.’
I couldn’t stop smiling. ‘Jack,’ I said. ‘You create havoc everywhere you go. You’ve turned my whole life upside down, and you’ve not even been inside my flat yet. If you haven’t scared me off so far, I think we’re okay.’
He kissed me again and I melted into his arms.
‘Right,’ he said, eventually. ‘Now that’s sorted, I think we should start the game.’
Jack turned back to the screen. ‘Now, what do I press to get things going?’ he said.
He whacked one of the buttons with a flourish, there was a beat and suddenly all the lights began to flash and an alarm started buzzing on every lane.
I collapsed into giggles once more. ‘Oh Jack,’ I said. ‘What have you done?’
Chapter 19
Lilian
June 1944
‘Lil, over here!’ I glanced round at the sound of my name, and groaned. It was Will, waving wildly at me from behind the propeller of a Spitfire.
‘Hello!’ I called, carrying on walking. I wanted to clear a request for leave with one of the officers, and I really didn’t want to stop and chat with Will, who was becoming increasingly difficult to avoid.
Will, though, wasn’t getting the message. I heard his footsteps behind me.
‘Lil,’ he panted. ‘I’m glad I caught you.’
I paused and smiled politely. ‘Will, I’ve got a lot to do and I need to catch Flight Captain Rogers. I don’t have time for a chat.’
I turned to go, and Will caught my arm.
‘Lil,’ he said again. ‘I just wanted to say I had a really nice time, at the dance. And I’d love to do it again some time.’
He took a step towards me and I caught my breath.
‘Maybe just the two of us next time?’
He looked so hopeful, squinting as he looked into the sun, and giving me that little boy smile, that I felt completely wretched. I couldn’t string him along. It simply wasn’t fair.
‘Will,’ I said. ‘I do have to speak to Flight Captain Rogers but then I’m free for a bit. Can you meet me for a quick cuppa in the mess hut? Twenty minutes?’
Will looked thrilled and I felt awful. But I had to tell him the truth. It wasn’t right to lead him on and let him think we might become an item.
‘Twenty minutes,’ he said.
I walked away, feeling his eyes on me.
‘I love to watch you leave,’ he joked. I knew I was supposed to give him a wink over my shoulder, or swing my hips in a coquettish fashion, but instead I pretended I hadn’t heard. I wasn’t like other girls, and the sooner he realised that, the easier things would be for both of us.
Flight Captain Rogers cleared my request for leave, but before I could get ready for my time off, I had to speak to poor Will.
He was already in the mess hut when I got there, sitting at a table by himself. He jumped up when I entered and he smiled at me.
‘I got you a cuppa,’ he said.
‘Thank you.’ I sat down opposite him and took a slurp, more to put off talking than because I was thirsty.
‘Will,’ I said at the same time as he said: ‘Lil …’
We both laughed and I looked down into my mug of tea.
‘Lil,’ Will said again. He looked very nervous and his voice was a bit funny. ‘I think you’re marvellous. You’re everything I’d want in a girl and more.’
‘Oh, Will,’ I said. I screwed my face up. ‘You’re not so bad yourself. You’re handsome, and funny, and a wonderfully terrible dancer.’
He smiled at that and I smiled back.
‘And I think you’re sweet and kind … and you’d be a lovely husband one day.’
Will’s expression had changed from smiling to frowning. ‘But not for you?’ he said.
I groaned. This was so hard. I tried again.
‘I like you very much,’ I said. ‘This isn’t about you. It’s about me.’
Will looked disbelieving and I felt terrible. I didn’t want him to be hurt. I wanted him to understand that I was damaged. Broken. That I couldn’t be the kind of girl he wanted me to be.
‘Something happened to me,’ I started slowly. ‘A few years ago.’
Will watched me, not speaking.
‘I had my heart broken, I suppose, in a way. But
it wasn’t just that. It was more.’
‘Bad boyfriend?’ Will said, sympathy showing in his eyes. ‘Did he hit you?’
I shook my head. ‘No, not that. It was just wrong.’
Will took my hand. It took all my willpower not to snatch it away.
‘Did he …’ He lowered his voice. ‘Did he force himself on you?’
My eyes filled with tears. How could I explain? How could I put it into words?
‘It’s complicated,’ I whispered. ‘But it’s left me …’ I shook my head again. ‘It didn’t just break my heart,’ I said, ‘it broke me.’
Will looked confused and upset. ‘Lilian,’ he said. ‘What happened?’
‘I can’t talk about it,’ I said, so close to tears now. ‘I really can’t. Please don’t ask me.’
‘All right,’ Will said. ‘It’s all right.’
‘It’s not all right,’ I said. I closed my eyes briefly to stop the tears falling. ‘But I can’t make it better. All I can do, is tell you that I can’t be your girlfriend. I can’t be anyone’s girlfriend. I’m broken and I can’t be fixed.’
Sweet, sweet Will put his mug of tea down and came round the table to sit next to me. He patted my shoulder and offered me his hanky.
‘Lilian Miles,’ he said, ‘I don’t know what’s gone on in your life, but strikes me you’re one of the bravest girls I’ve ever met and if it’s upset you then it must be bad.’
I gave him a weak, watery smile.
‘If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine,’ he carried on. ‘But you should know that I am a good listener and if you ever want a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be right there. In a heartbeat.’
I gave him a stronger smile this time. ‘You’re the most wonderful man,’ I said, grateful that he wasn’t going to try to persuade me or talk me into anything. ‘I wasn’t sure you’d understand. This is the first time … you’re the first man who’s wanted to be more than friends since … you know.’
Will nodded. ‘It might get better,’ he said hopefully. ‘You might find that in a couple of years you want to step out with a fella again.’
I screwed my nose up but I didn’t want to throw his kindness back at him. ‘I might,’ I said. ‘Time is a great healer.’ I blew my nose on his hanky. ‘Don’t wait for me, Will. There are hundreds of girls out there who’d be glad of a fella like you. Thousands of them.’
‘Not as nice as you, though.’
I waved away his protests with a hand that trembled slightly.
‘Rubbish,’ I said. ‘I’m nothing special. Think of all the brave women up and down this country of ours, doing wonderful things in munitions factories, and hospitals, and army bases and farms. They’re all fine girls and every one of them would make a lovely sweetheart for you.’
I smiled at him. ‘And they’d be very lucky to have you.’
Will looked crushed. He stared at me for a fraction too long, and then his expression softened. ‘There’s really no chance?’ he said.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘And it’s nothing I did?’
‘Nothing whatsoever.’ I gazed out of the window so I didn’t have to look into his hurt eyes. ‘It’s me, Will. It’s all me.’
On the airfield, I could see Rose talking to one of the other mechanics. She turned to go and swung her hips as he watched her walk by, just as I should have done when Will had been watching me.
‘Rose likes you,’ I said. ‘She likes you a lot.’
Will looked in the direction I was staring. ‘She’s pretty,’ he said.
‘See.’
‘But she’s not the whole package. You’re the real deal, Lil.’
‘Don’t be too quick to write her off,’ I said, warming to my role as matchmaker. ‘Rose is gorgeous. She’s clever, too. And one of the best pilots on the base.’
‘She is?’
I had no idea, but I felt if I convinced Will to woo Rose instead, I might not feel so awful.
‘And she’s got a great figure,’ I said, with a cheeky smile.
Will raised an eyebrow and I stuck my chest out and looked downwards and then back at him.
‘Great,’ I said.
Will shrugged. ‘Maybe I’ll take her out for a drink,’ he said half-heartedly. ‘But not yet.’ He nudged me gently. ‘I need a couple of weeks to get over you.’
I nudged him back. ‘I am sorry, you know,’ I said. ‘I wish things were different. I wish I could be your girl. But I can’t.’ I stood up, still clutching his hanky. ‘I’ll get this washed.’
He waved his hand. ‘Keep it.’
I picked up my kitbag, and started to walk towards the door.
‘Lil,’ Will called. ‘Is it over?’
I looked at him. ‘Is what over?’
‘Your romance with this other lad. This bad bloke. Is it over?’
I thought that perhaps it would never be over, at least in my head, but I nodded. ‘Over and done with long ago,’ I said. ‘Over and done with.’
Chapter 20
Helena
June 2018
I was moping. Moping like a lovesick teenager.
‘What’s the matter with you?’ Elly asked, as I slumped at my desk, listlessly scrolling through a census document. ‘Had a row with Jack?’
‘Nope,’ I said, bashing the return key haphazardly. ‘Not spoken to him.’
‘Ha!’ said Elly in triumph. ‘I knew it was to do with Jack. I can read you like a book.’
I gave her a withering look and carried on scrolling.
‘You’re missing him,’ Elly said. ‘Phone him.’
I sighed. ‘Can’t. He’s filming. In New York.’
In fact, I’d not seen Jack since our evening in the bowling alley almost a fortnight ago. He’d said he was busy, but I’d not really grasped exactly how busy he was. His life was a whirl of rehearsals and screen tests and voice-overs and interviews. The superhero film he’d been linked with wasn’t happening, so his agent was sending him to read for all sorts of other parts – sometimes with just a few hours’ notice. He did message me a lot, which was great, but he wasn’t here. And now he was in New York filming a guest role in an Emmy-winning drama, which his agent thought might lead to a part. It was hectic and exciting and it was annoying me enormously.
‘What’s he filming?’ Elly asked. She was totally over-invested in my relationship with Jack but I didn’t mind. I loved talking about him. And thinking about him. And daydreaming about him …
I filled Elly in on the guest role, and what his agent had said, and what his career plans were, until I saw her eyes starting to glaze over and realised I’d perhaps gone on too much.
‘I just want to see him,’ I muttered.
‘How are you getting on with the research?’ Elly asked. ‘Have you found out anything about your aunt?’
I shrugged. I’d not done anything really, despite Dad’s endless messages. I’d even avoided our usual Friday night family dinner, pretending I had something else on. I was still hopelessly torn between wanting to please Dad and to protect Lil.
‘Why don’t you do a bit of digging?’ Elly said. ‘It’ll snap you out of your mood and, you never know, you might find something so juicy that Jack can’t resist meeting up to hear all about it, even if he’s supposed to be in Hollywood.’
‘New York,’ I said.
Elly rolled her eyes. ‘Look Lilian up on the 1939 census,’ she said. I nodded. It was where we normally started with wartime stories so it made sense.
‘They lived in Kent back then,’ I said. ‘My grandad Bobby and grandma Ruth, Lil, and my great-grandparents. They all lived in the same village. I can’t imagine there’s much to tell.’
‘It’s a start,’ Elly said.
Realising I wouldn’t be able to settle to what I was supposed to be doing, I pulled up the 1939 census and logged in, thinking for the millionth time how easy the internet made searches like these. I typed in Lilian Miles and pressed enter. It brought up one entry for someone i
n Manchester who was seventy-five in 1939. That wasn’t her.
I tried again, spelling Lilian with two Ls in the middle in case it had been entered differently – it sometimes happened. But this time it came back with no results. How strange.
‘Odd,’ I muttered. This time I typed in Robert Miles – my grandad, who Dad was named after – and got a hit. It brought up his address in the village in Kent called Fairbourne, where I knew he and Lil had grown up. Then I tried my grandma, Ruth, but just like with Lil, there was no mention of her.
‘Elly,’ I said. ‘She’s not showing up.’
Elly peered over my shoulder. ‘Weird,’ she said. ‘Maybe she’d left by then? Joined up?’
I shook my head. ‘Can’t have, she was only fifteen when war broke out. There’s no mention of my grandma either.’
‘Evacuated?’ Elly suggested.
‘From Kent?’
Elly shrugged. ‘I don’t mean officially, like the kids from the East End. But all the planes flew over Kent on their way to bomb London – maybe they went somewhere else to keep them safe? I’ve come across lots of families who moved away.’
A light bulb went on in my head and I counted on my fingers. ‘My dad was born in February 1940,’ I said. ‘Grandma would have been pregnant when the war started.’
‘And where was your dad born?’
I grinned. ‘Scotland,’ I said. ‘He was born in Scotland. He says Grandma went up there to live with a friend when the war started because she didn’t want to be near London.’
Elly looked triumphant. ‘Told you,’ she said.
I shut the England and Wales census and opened the Scottish version instead, typing in my grandmother’s name, Ruth Miles.
Immediately it came up with an entry. I clicked on it and it opened.
‘Ruth Miles, 25,’ I read. ‘Jemima Thorogood, 53 (widow of Donald Thorogood). Lilian Miles, 15.’ The address was Kelso, which I knew was in the Scottish Borders.
I gasped in surprise. Lil had been in Scotland with my grandmother. Ruth had apparently gone to Kelso to stay with this Jemima and taken Lil with her. I had no idea who Jemima was – I’d never even heard of her – and I had no idea why Ruth would have gone to stay with some random woman.
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