I felt weak with longing. ‘Okay,’ I said faintly.
Jack pulled me closer to him and kissed me. ‘I’m in,’ he murmured.
Chapter 24
Lilian
July 1944
Will was beginning to annoy me. Just a little bit. He was treating me like I was some sort of fragile ornament. I couldn’t go anywhere on the base without him suddenly appearing to open a door for me, offering to carry my bag, or getting me a cup of tea. It was unsettling and, like I said, beginning to get on my nerves.
‘I just want him to leave me alone,’ I told Annie, who was finding the whole thing hilarious. ‘I can’t bear him following me round like a puppy.’
‘You’re off to Scotland tomorrow, aren’t you?’ she said. ‘A couple of days away might do the trick.’
I was indeed going up north. I’d had my leave signed off, and Flight Captain Rogers had agreed to find me a delivery in Scotland so I could visit Ruth. I was excited at the thought of seeing her and her little Robert. He was a proper boy now – not a baby any more – and I enjoyed seeing how he’d changed every time I visited.
We were in our bedroom, Annie reading some letters we’d received and me just lying on my bed, staring at the stains on the ceiling, thinking.
‘I shouldn’t have told him anything about what happened to me,’ I said. ‘I hate people knowing too much.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ Annie said. ‘He’s on your side – totally on your side. He’s not going to spread rumours about you.’
‘’Spose,’ I said. ‘I just hate being treated like a victim.’
Annie looked at me over the top of a letter. ‘I know,’ she said, sympathetically. ‘And I know you don’t like talking about it all. But you did the right thing, telling him. It’s good to be honest.’
‘Rose knows something,’ I said.
‘So maybe it would be a good thing if they get together,’ Annie said. ‘Will might calm her down a bit, make her understand that you didn’t do anything wrong.’
‘Maybe,’ I said, though I wasn’t convinced. ‘Anything we can help with in those letters?’
Annie nodded. ‘One,’ she said, handing it to me. ‘An adoption, and the mother lives quite near a base.’
I sat up to read the letter, all my worries gone. I found it so satisfying when we actually could help people and we often couldn’t. We were getting so many requests for help now that we’d talked about getting someone else to come on board, but that was risky and I wasn’t keen. Instead we just did what we could, when we could. Last week Flora had sorted an abortion for a woman in Edinburgh, and now we had an adoption to arrange.
‘Norwich,’ I said, thoughtfully. ‘Easy enough for us to get to her – there are lots of bases over that way. Who do we know over there?’
‘Madge,’ Annie said. ‘She’s the nurse at the women’s hospital, remember?’
‘Oh yes, Madge.’
We had built up a network of sympathetic women. Madge was a friend of a friend of Flora’s. She knew all the families locally that were struggling to have children and had helped us – and them – before.
‘Far enough away?’ I asked. It was often better if the mothers could move away for a while, so they didn’t have to hide their bumps.
‘Possibly,’ Annie said. ‘If not, Madge has contacts all over.’
‘So, we need to see Madge,’ I said, scanning the letter for the woman’s story. Same old, same old. She’d had her head turned by a soldier and discovered too late that she was expecting. She said there was no chance of passing the tot off as her husband’s as he’d not been home for a year.
Annie grinned. ‘I’ll check the rotas,’ she said. ‘One of us is bound to be heading that way soon.’
East Anglia was brimming with bases as it was so handy for planes flying to Europe. We flew there often, delivering all sorts of aircraft.
‘I reckon within the week,’ I agreed. ‘Probably won’t be me, though, if I’m off up to Scotland.’
Annie shrugged. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Flora and I can handle it.’
I grinned at her. ‘Course you can,’ I said. I swung my legs off the bed and stood up, handing her the letter. ‘I have to go – I’ve got to find out what I’m taking up to Charterhall.’ I dropped a kiss on Annie’s head. ‘You’re a good person,’ I told her.
She grinned at me. ‘You too,’ she said.
Feeling happy – we were helping another woman, and I was looking forward to seeing Ruth and Robert – I wandered down the road to the airbase. I wanted to find Gareth, who I knew would have a heads-up about which planes were going up north. Sometimes we delivered planes we’d never flown before so we had a little handbook we could refer to. I liked to have advance warning whenever it was possible and Gareth seemed to know everything.
‘Need a hand?’
I jumped as Will appeared next to me.
‘I’m not doing anything,’ I said, a bit more snappy than the jokey tone I’d intended. ‘I’m not carrying anything, I’m not opening anything, I’m not lifting anything. I’m fine.’
Will didn’t so much as flinch. Instead he smiled at me. ‘Am I fussing?’ he said. ‘My sister says I’m a terrible fusspot.’
Instantly my irritation vanished. He really was a nice bloke.
‘You are a bit,’ I said. ‘I really am all right, you know.’
Will gave a little chuckle. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Going to find Gareth?’
I nodded. ‘I’m taking a plane up to Scotland tomorrow,’ I told him. ‘And I’ve arranged to see my sister-in-law while I’m there.’
‘Ah that’ll be nice. Is she the one with the little lad?’
I felt a bit nervy at his mention of Robert, but I managed to smile. ‘My nephew,’ I said, nodding. ‘He’s four.’
Across the runway, I saw Rose watching us. For once I was grateful for her lurking as it gave me an opportunity to change the subject.
‘There’s Rose.’ I nodded my head slightly in her direction, which was behind Will. He went to turn and glance over his shoulder and I stopped him with a pat on his arm. ‘Don’t make it obvious you’re looking, silly.’
He made a funny face at me and I carried on.
‘In a minute, walk past her, all casual, and then say: “Oh hello, Rose, I didn’t see you there,” like you’ve only just noticed her.’
‘Right,’ said Will, looking vaguely bemused.
‘And then compliment her on something – her hair probably; she has nice hair.’
‘Not as nice as yours,’ Will said and I scowled at him.
‘And then walk away,’ I said undeterred. ‘Leave her hanging.’
Will sighed. ‘She’s pretty, that’s for sure, but I’m not sure she’s the girl for me.’
‘Give her a chance, Will,’ I said. ‘For me.’
‘All right,’ he said. ‘For you.’
I squeezed his arm. ‘Go on then,’ I said. ‘Go and say something nice.’
Casually I waved goodbye to him and, watching Rose and Will all the time, I sauntered over to where Gareth was sitting on a bale of hay reading some paperwork.
Now Will and I were no longer chatting, Rose was heading back towards the huts. So she crossed paths with Will as he walked in the opposite direction. He stopped her with a tap on her arm – just like the one I’d given him – and I saw him give her the full beam of his little-boy smile. She smiled back, ducking her head and looking up at him through her eyelashes. Oh, she was good. He said something to her and she flushed, patting her hair as he walked away. This was great. Maybe they would hit it off and he could get her to leave off me a bit.
‘Lil,’ Gareth said, obviously not for the first time judging by his irritated expression. ‘What are you staring at?’
‘Nothing,’ I said, turning to give him my full attention. ‘I’m all yours. Any idea what I’m going to be flying tomorrow?’
Chapter 25
The flight up to Scotland was long and not much fun thanks t
o a nasty rainstorm that followed me up the coast. It was a dreadful summer; it felt more like autumn had arrived already. I had to concentrate so hard the whole way, I wondered if I’d be any good when I got to Jemima’s house – I felt like I would simply collapse into bed and sleep for a whole day.
But as soon as I landed at Charterhall I felt like I’d come home. The farm, where Ruth and I had moved to not long after the war started, was nearby. Watching the planes take off and land from there had inspired me to sign up for the ATA.
I did my post-flight checks, handed over the plane to the ground crew without even a grimace when they asked me, again, where the pilot was, and then with a spring in my step, I headed off the base and down the road to catch the bus to Kelso. Even the horrible weather didn’t dampen my good mood and seeing Ruth and Robert peeking out of the window of the farmhouse as I arrived was wonderful.
‘Auntie Lil,’ Robert called. He’d grown so much since I’d last seen him. He’d lost his toddler podginess and looked like a proper little lad now. As I always did when I saw him, I tested my feelings to see if I felt like his mother. Which, of course, I was. Biologically, if not in any other way. To my relief, once again, I knew I still wanted to be Auntie Lil. I hoped it would stay that way.
I waved wildly at him and grinned as Ruth flung open the door.
‘Come in,’ she said. ‘It’s such an awful day. Are you soaked?’
‘Not too bad,’ I said, peeling off my coat.
Robert hung off my arm. ‘Auntie Lil, will you play the piano?’ he asked. ‘Play now, Auntie Lil.’
‘Oh, Robert, give Lil a chance to get dry,’ said Ruth, scooping him up into her arms and ruffling his dark hair. Robert looked so much like Bobby now that I knew no one would ever question whether Ruth was his mother. She smiled at me over Robert’s head and I smiled back. I owed her so much.
Robert ran off to play with his train set and I followed Ruth down the corridor into the snug farm kitchen.
‘Where’s Jemima?’
‘Harvesting potatoes,’ Ruth said. ‘She’s become a hero to all the Land Girls around here. She’s teaching them all sorts.’ She looked at me and smiled. ‘You look well. Happy.’
‘I am happy.’
‘I’m glad.’
Robert ran in and climbed on to my knee, showing me the train he was holding. I cuddled him close, enjoying his little boy smell.
‘I could teach you how to play the piano,’ I said. ‘And then you can enjoy the music when I’m not here.’
‘Yes, yes, yes,’ he said. He looked at Ruth. ‘Mamma, Auntie Lil is going to teach me.’
Ruth gave him such a doting smile that my heart ached. ‘You are very lucky to have such a talented aunt.’
I didn’t play the piano much at the base, though I did sometimes wander into town and play on the rickety old upright in the church hall. Jemima’s piano had been tuned just for me when we came to live with her, and she’d obviously kept it in good condition when I’d left. Robert led me through to the living room, his little hand sticky in my own, and we sat together on the stool.
It was a lovely afternoon, Robert perched on my knee, picking out the notes I taught him and – to my utter joy and pride – showing he had a good ear for music. Ruth sat on the sofa, watching us and filling me in on how Bobby was doing and other news from home. My father had almost died in 1942 when he’d had a stroke, so now my mother spent her days caring for him. Ruth wanted them to come up to Scotland but Mother didn’t think Dad would make it through the journey. Bobby was part of Bomber Command now, based out of Yorkshire. Our paths crossed every now and then. Not as often as I would have liked.
‘Do you worry about Bobby?’ I asked. ‘Constantly?’
Ruth shook her head. ‘You remember when the war first started and he went away, I spent the whole time just watching out of the window and wondering when the telegram would come?’ she said.
I nodded.
‘But then Robert was born and he took up all my time, and the war just went on and on, and it became the new normal.’ She grinned at me. ‘I don’t even worry about you so much any more.’
‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘I’m a very good pilot and it’s not as though I’m in combat. I’m not doing anything nearly as dangerous as the boys flying the bombers, or the fighter pilots.’
‘It’s not the flying I worry about,’ Ruth said.
I kept my eyes on the piano keys. ‘This one,’ I said to Robert, putting his little finger on middle C.
Ruth knew what Flora, Annie and I did and though she was quietly supportive, I knew she would rather we didn’t take such risks.
‘That’s fine too,’ I said.
Wanting to change the subject, I started to tell her about Will and how he was trying his hardest to woo me, and I was tempting him with Rose.
‘Oh, Lil, you should give him a chance.’ Ruth laughed.
‘I’m really not interested,’ I said, but Ruth had stopped giggling. She was staring out of the window, her face pale.
‘What is it?’ I turned to see the telegram boy walking up the path and I swear my heart stopped beating for a second. ‘Oh, Ruth,’ I said.
‘Stay with Robert,’ she said dully. She got up and walked out of the room. I pulled Robert close to me, pretending to admire his piano playing, but really listening to Ruth’s muffled conversation.
‘Lil,’ she called. ‘Lil, it’s fine. It’s fine. The telegram is for you.’
‘Oh, thank God,’ I breathed, tickling Robert and making him chuckle and squirm on my lap. But why did I have a telegram? Was it something to do with the ATA?
I slid Robert on to the piano stool and followed Ruth’s path to the front door.
‘Lilian Miles,’ the telegram boy said, handing it over.
I tore it open. ‘Emily Page,’ it said, followed by an address in Edinburgh. ‘Needs help. Can you arrange? Annie.’
‘Shit,’ I said. ‘Sorry, Ruth.’
‘What’s the matter?’
‘Someone we – you know – sorted out, last week. Sounds like she needs help.’
‘What can you do from up here?’
I showed her the telegram. ‘She’s in Edinburgh,’ I said. ‘I need to go to her.’
Ruth looked like she was going to protest but instead she nodded. ‘I’ll get Jemima,’ she said. ‘She can drive you in the van. Do you have petrol coupons?’
‘My ration book’s in my bag.’
Ruth was pulling on her coat. ‘You need to get changed – you can’t go in uniform. Take a dress out of my wardrobe and put it on. I’ll be back in ten minutes – be ready to go.’
‘Ruth,’ I said, horribly aware that I could be risking being arrested. Abortions were always dangerous and I didn’t even know if Emily Page would still be alive when I got to Edinburgh. ‘You don’t have to do this – I can get the train. It’s fine if you don’t want to be involved.’
Ruth opened the front door. ‘It’s the right thing to do,’ she said.
Chapter 26
Helena
June 2018
‘Miranda’s the oldest …’ Jack said as we walked down the road towards my parents’ house that Friday. He’d already gone through all my siblings about five times, but he was super keen to hear all about them. ‘I can’t imagine having one brother or sister, let alone three,’ he kept saying. ‘You’re so lucky, Helena.’
‘Miranda’s the oldest, then me, then Andy, and Immy is the baby,’ I said now.
‘And Andy’s the archaeologist?’
I nodded. ‘He’s doing a dig somewhere on some Scottish island,’ I said, smiling as I thought about my brother. ‘He was always digging stuff up when we were kids. The garden was covered in holes.’
‘And Immy?’
‘She’s a singer at heart, but she’s also a conservationist. She’s working on a game reserve in South Africa.’
‘Blimey,’ said Jack, taking my hand. ‘You Miles kids aren’t exactly run of the mill, are you?’
Jack nudged me. ‘Miranda’s raising a son, while running that bank, single-handed, by the sound of it,’ he pointed out. ‘And her husband … whose name I’ve forgotten …’
‘Pietr,’ I said. ‘He’s German.’
‘Pietr,’ Jack said. ‘Pietr has an equally high-flying job.’
‘The same job, actually,’ I said. ‘Just at a different bank.’
‘Bloody hell,’ said Jack. He looked a bit worried. ‘Is he coming tonight?’
‘Nope,’ I said. ‘Miranda’s got some corporate thing tonight so it’s just you and me.’
‘And your mum and dad.’
I shuddered. ‘Yes, them too,’ I said. ‘More’s the pity.’
Jack laughed at my nerves. ‘I’m looking forward to meeting them,’ he said. ‘I can’t wait to get all the gossip from your dad about the films he’s worked on.’
‘He doesn’t go on set much,’ I warned him, steering him up the overgrown path that led to the peeling front door, still painted the same colour as when I was growing up. ‘We’re here.’
I took a breath, preparing myself to knock on the door, when it was flung open.
‘Helenaaaaaaaa!’ shrieked a voice and I jumped in surprise.
‘Immy!’
My baby sister stood in the doorway, looking gorgeous in cut-off denim shorts, and a vest with a checked shirt over the top. Her curly hair was longer than I’d ever seen it and trailed down her back in loose waves, and her freckled nose was sunburned.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Visa shit.’ Immy waved her hand like international borders were of no consequence to her. ‘I had to come home to renew something.’ She threw her arms round me. ‘It’s so nice to see you.’
I hugged her back. I may have trash-talked them to Jack but I adored all my siblings with a fierce protective love and I was very pleased to see Immy.
Jack was waiting patiently on the doorstep.
‘Oh, Immy,’ I said, untangling myself from her tanned limbs and gesturing to Jack. ‘This is my, erm, my er, my Jack. This is Jack.’
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