I stayed with Emily until she’d been admitted. I filled in a form giving her name as Mrs Emily Smith and told the nurse she was a widow. When the doctor came, he gave me a long look but I held his gaze without flinching.
‘She’s miscarrying,’ I said and he didn’t argue.
As people began bustling round me, I bent to whisper in Emily’s ear. ‘Mrs Emily Smith, remember,’ I said.
She nodded weakly. ‘Thank you,’ she said.
Jemima was quiet on the drive home, at least while she negotiated the cobbled streets of Edinburgh. Then, when we were out into the countryside she took a breath. ‘Does that happen often?’ she said.
I bit my lip. ‘Often enough for it to be a constant worry,’ I admitted. ‘Depends on the pregnancy I think and who’s … doing it.’
‘Was it Katie? Who helped Emily?’
Jemima was watching the road, but her shoulders were tense. Katie was her friend, a midwife who’d helped me and had delivered Robert.
‘No,’ I told her and watched her relax a tiny bit, knowing her friend wasn’t responsible for leaving Emily bleeding alone in her flat.
‘The horrible thing is it all comes down to money,’ I said. ‘Some girls can pay for a doctor and some girls can’t.’
‘And Emily?’
I leaned my head against the window of the van and watched the verge whizz past.
‘Emily couldn’t afford a nurse either,’ I said.
Jemima breathed in sharply.
‘There are women who will help, and we try to make sure they’re all right, but it’s not easy to vet something that’s illegal.’ I sounded a bit desperate, like I was trying to justify the choices we made. Which I was. ‘They’re cheaper, but sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes things go wrong when the doctors do it, too. But they can usually put it right again.’
Jemima nodded, her lips pressed together.
‘Emily was unlucky,’ I went on. ‘But I still believe what we’re doing is right. If this wasn’t illegal, then women wouldn’t be put in this position.’
‘Maybe things will change, after the war,’ Jemima said.
‘Maybe,’ I said. ‘Maybe not.’
We were quiet for a while. It was getting dark and I wanted to be back at the farm more than anything. To sit in the warm kitchen with Ruth and Robert and talk about silly things.
‘That could have been me,’ I said suddenly. ‘Bleeding, in hospital.’
Jemima stayed quiet.
‘I didn’t know what to do, when I realised I was pregnant,’ I said. ‘And I didn’t really have any choices because I was just a child. I had no money. I couldn’t have done that even if I’d known about it. But still, it could have been me.’
‘But it wasn’t,’ Jemima said.
‘Because of you,’ I pointed out. ‘You and Ruth and Bobby.’
‘And Katie,’ she said.
I nodded. ‘And that’s why I want to help other women. It’s why I do what I do.’
‘It’s why I did it too,’ Jemima said.
I stared at her, not understanding. In the years I’d known her, she’d never really opened up about why she’d taken us in.
‘My husband was a drunk and a bully,’ she said, matter-of-factly. ‘And I didn’t want to marry him, but my dad wanted me off his hands. And Donald had money so he seemed like a good match.’
I didn’t say anything. I wanted to let her tell her story.
‘I never wanted to sleep with him but he didn’t let that stop him,’ she said, snorting with disgust. ‘I despised him. I hated him so much. And when I realised I was pregnant, I just wanted to get rid of it. Katie helped me. And she helped me make sure I never got pregnant again. Long time ago now.’
‘Oh,’ I said helplessly. ‘And that’s why you helped me?’
Jemima nodded, never taking her eyes off the road. ‘And now you help others. It’s like a chain.’
I smiled. ‘A strong chain,’ I said. ‘Unbroken.’
But I was wrong.
Chapter 30
Helena
July 2018
‘This is huge,’ Jack said. ‘Enormous.’
‘I know. It’s crazy.’
‘You never suspected that Lil might be your biological grandmother?’
‘No, not an inkling,’ I said. ‘Dad says he’s thought as much for years, though. He never let on, mind you. And he’s got nothing concrete to base it all on – just a feeling, and the way Lil looks at him.’
We were in my kitchen, just a couple of days after Dad’s revelation. Jack had volunteered to cook me dinner, and I’d asked if he could do it at my house so I didn’t need to find a babysitter. I’d put Dora to bed before he arrived, so we could have time for the two of us.
Jack was unpacking the shopping he’d brought with him.
‘That’s quite sweet,’ he said. ‘Like they’ve got a bond.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘I don’t want to research Lil any further,’ I said. ‘Like you say, it’s huge. It’s too huge. I told Dad he has to speak to her.’
‘I think you’re right,’ Jack said. ‘It’s not fair of him to ask you to do this.’
I smiled at him, feeling the sheer loveliness of having someone in my corner.
‘What does Miranda think?’
‘She agrees with me,’ I said.
‘Uh-huh?’ Jack glanced at me over his shoulder then carried on staring at the dials on my fairly basic cooker.
‘She thinks it’s a can of worms,’ I said. ‘And she’s absolutely right. Have you ever used a cooker before?’
Jack turned round fully and gave me a sheepish grin. ‘Not as such,’ he said.
I raised an eyebrow. ‘I normally just microwave stuff.’
I laughed and he joined in.
‘I’m never home,’ he said. ‘And I quite often get stuff delivered. My personal trainer sorts it all out.’
‘Oh, the hard life of a fabulously famous actor,’ I teased, pretending to fan myself. ‘Having all these staff at your beck and call. To cook for you, and clean for you, and buy your clothes for you …’
‘I bought dinner,’ Jack said, gesturing at the Waitrose bags on the side.
‘You did,’ I agreed. ‘But cooking it seems to be a bit tricky …’
‘Can you show me how to turn it on?’ Jack said.
‘I might.’
‘Helena, you are infuriating,’ he said, chuckling. ‘Would you just show me how to turn the damn oven on already?’
I stood up, sauntered slowly across the small kitchen and turned the two dials that operated the oven.
Jack pulled me to him and kissed me. ‘Maybe this was just a ruse to get you closer to me,’ he said.
‘And maybe you’re just hopeless in the kitchen,’ I said. ‘And I am starving to death.’
It was amazing how comfortable I was with Jack. I was beginning to see that Miranda was right when she said he liked me. But I still couldn’t quite believe it. He was so busy all the time, and it was a fact that the women he worked with were goddesses compared to average old me. I couldn’t believe that given the choice he’d prioritise me over drinks with a Bond Girl, or a party with a BAFTA winner – but it seemed that, at least for now, he was.
Somehow, Jack managed to cook the very basic pasta, sauce and garlic bread he’d bought, with only a few mishaps. And really it didn’t matter that the bread had fallen on the floor more than once, because it was still in its wrapper, and it was only a little bit bashed. And the splatters from the sauce all over the worktop could be wiped off. Like the red-wine stain.
We ate at the small kitchen table and I talked some more about Dad and Lil. ‘Dad asked me to get the transcripts of the court documents,’ I said. ‘But I said no. I just really don’t feel comfortable with it.’
‘You did the right thing,’ Jack said. He slurped up some spaghetti, ignoring the splatters on his shirt. ‘I’d do the same.’
I smiled at him.
‘It’s funny, isn’t it? Dad s
aid he suspected his parents might not be his real mum and dad before they died. But he never wanted to upset them by raising it. He prioritised their feelings over his own.’
‘Not funny at all,’ Jack said.
‘I always thought blood was thicker than water,’ I said. I gestured to the ceiling with my fork, roughly in the direction of Dora’s bedroom. ‘I’ve always worried Dora would be drawn to Greg, because of their shared biology.’
Jack shook his head. ‘Absolutely not,’ he said. ‘At least that’s not my experience. I’ve told you about my dad. He was a stranger to me. I didn’t know him at all. Of course, I’d have liked to have known him – but I don’t feel like there’s a gap in my life.’
‘Really?’
‘In my opinion, biology doesn’t matter,’ he went on. ‘Your grandparents were your father’s real mum and dad. They raised him. They loved him.’
I nodded. ‘You’re right,’ I said.
‘My mum found a new partner when I was fourteen,’ Jack added.
I was surprised. He’d never really mentioned having a stepdad.
‘Was that hard for you?’
‘Not as hard as you’d think it would be,’ he said. ‘His name is Jon. Huge bloke – fills a room. Looks like a boxer, but he’s actually an artist.’
I grinned. ‘Sounds as though you like him.’
‘I really like him,’ Jack said. ‘He moved in just after I’d done my GCSEs. He never really tried to be my dad, but somehow he became one anyway.’
‘That’s nice,’ I said.
‘So what I’m trying to say is, I can understand your dad putting his parents’ feelings ahead of his suspicions.’
I nodded, looking up at the ceiling again.
‘Are you thinking about Dora?’ Jack said. ‘She’ll know that you were the one who was there for her, even if Greg does decide he wants to be a dad.’
I nodded. ‘I would never stop Greg seeing her,’ I said. ‘I want them to have a relationship. I just don’t want her to love him the way she loves me, purely because of biology. God, that sounds so pathetic.’
‘It sounds nice,’ Jack said.
He stood up, shoving his chair back and making his wine glass wobble precariously because it wasn’t on the coaster properly. He came round to where I sat, crouched down and threw his arms round me, squeezing me tight.
‘You’re nice,’ he said. ‘Lovely in fact.’
He let me go so he could look at me. His face was so close to mine I could feel his breath warm on my lips. My stomach curled with lust and something else that I thought might be, could just possibly be, the very beginning of love.
He kissed me and I kissed him back, clinging on to him to stop him falling backwards because he was still crouching by my chair and despite all his personal training sessions, I knew his legs would be wobbling.
‘I’m really sorry,’ he said eventually. ‘I’m desperate for a wee.’
I giggled. ‘Up the stairs, the door on the left,’ I said. ‘You just need to lift the latch on the stair gate at the top.’
He stood up, shaking out his legs, and headed upstairs.
I cleared the table and put the plates in the dishwasher, and wiped away all the splatters from Jack’s spaghetti. I put the coffee machine on, and I peeked in the bag and discovered a rather delicious-looking lemon tart, which I put in the oven to warm up, and a tub of melted ice cream, which I put in the freezer to cool down.
And then I realised Jack hadn’t come back from the toilet. I wondered where he had disappeared to. My house was only tiny – just the lounge and kitchen downstairs, and two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs.
I wandered into the hall.
‘Jack?’ I called up the stairs. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Up here,’ he called back.
Oh God, had he taken himself to my bedroom? I wondered. It wasn’t a horrible idea, but it wasn’t something I’d been planning.
But no. When I went upstairs, I found him sitting on the floor next to Dora’s little toddler bed, his long legs bent up in front of him. He was reading The Gruffalo and a very wide-awake Dora was sitting up in bed, gripping the cuddly monkey she slept with, and listening, enthralled.
‘Dora called out when I came up to the loo,’ he said. ‘Hope you don’t mind.’ He made a face at me. ‘I knocked over the towel rail and I think the clatter might have woken her up. Sorry.’
I chuckled.
‘Mamma,’ Dora said, holding out her little arms to me for a cuddle. ‘The man is reading.’
I went to her, sitting on her bed and letting her snuggle on to my lap. I kissed the top of her curls. ‘The man is called Jack,’ I said, smiling at him over Dora’s head.
‘Jack,’ said Dora. She clapped her hands at him. ‘Read,’ she demanded.
‘Whoa,’ said Jack. ‘She knows her own mind.’
‘READ,’ said Dora.
So he did. He read the whole story, doing different voices for the characters, and making me and Dora laugh.
When Dora’s eyes began to close, I whispered: ‘You go downstairs and sort out dessert, and I’ll tuck her in.’
Quietly – well, as quietly as he could manage – Jack crept out of Dora’s room. I kissed her on the forehead and her eyes opened.
‘I like Jack,’ she said sleepily.
I kissed her again. ‘So do I, darling,’ I said.
Feeling happier than I’d felt for ages, I tiptoed away and went downstairs to find Jack. He’d found the tart and the ice cream and was busy dishing it up.
‘More wine?’ I asked.
He nodded. ‘Sounds good.’
As I opened the fridge to get another bottle, my phone buzzed with a message. I pulled it out of my jeans pocket and I swiped it to open it. It was from Elly.
‘Forgot to say I was doing some legal requests last week,’ she’d written. ‘Saw you wanted a court martial transcript so I added that in too.’
My heart lurched. Shit. I’d written the date of Lil’s court martial and the verdict on a Post-it and stuck it to my computer screen. I’d never thought for one minute that Elly would see it and request the transcript.
‘Just got the email.’ Elly went on. ‘It’s a corker. Printed it out for you and it’s on your desk. See you in the morning.’
I stared at the small screen of my phone in horror. How could this have happened? After making the decision not to find out anything else, it was suddenly taken out of my hands.
‘Shit,’ I said, showing Jack the message. ‘Shit.’
‘Shit,’ he echoed as he read.
‘What am I going to do?’ I said. ‘I don’t want this information. I was absolutely clear with Dad that we shouldn’t do it this way.’
‘But now you have it,’ Jack said. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘I know what I should do,’ I said. ‘I should ignore it.’
Jack looked dubious. ‘Can you ignore it?’
I shrugged. ‘I could get Elly to shred it and delete the email,’ I said half-heartedly.
‘But …’
‘But she’s read it,’ I said. ‘She said it was a corker.’
‘She did,’ Jack said.
‘What does that mean?’
‘I have no idea,’ he said.
‘Is a corker bad or good?’
‘Again, no idea,’ Jack said.
‘How can I sit next to Elly every day, knowing she knows, and not ask for more information?’
‘You’re going to read it aren’t you?’ Jack said.
‘Is it awful if I do?’ I said. ‘Am I a terrible person?’
Jack grinned. ‘I think you’re human,’ he said. ‘But keep in mind, there will be consequences.’
‘I will,’ I said. ‘There are always consequences.’
Chapter 31
Lilian
July 1944
I was fit to drop by the time I got back down south the next day. I’d not slept well after our trip to Edinburgh, seeing Emily’s blood-soaked sheets e
very time I closed my eyes. Then Robert had woken me up early asking to play planes, and though I was exhausted, I couldn’t resist his little face.
Sometimes we got trains back after delivering planes which was time-consuming and tiring; other times we got a taxi flight from the airfield where we’d dropped the plane back to our base in Maidenhead. But this time I’d been roped in to fly a big transport plane, a type I’d never flown before, straight back down to Berkshire for some repairs. I was pleased I could head straight home but with the weather still bad I’d been forced to concentrate hard the whole way. When I finally landed it was getting dark and all I could think about was shovelling some food into my mouth and collapsing into bed. Plus I knew I had to find Annie and Flora and fill them in on what had happened with poor Emily.
I did all my post-flight checks, signed the log in a daze, picked up my bag and headed towards the mess hut, starving hungry and desperate for a cup of tea.
Standing by the door to the hut, looking worried, was Annie. I waved to her and she rushed towards me.
‘Oh, Lil, you’re back,’ she said, grabbing my arm.
‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘It was touch and go for a while, but we got Emily to hospital and she’s going to be fine. It’s lucky you managed to get a telegram to me so quickly.’
Annie looked relieved. ‘Thank God,’ she said.
I nodded.
‘Bugger,’ Annie said. ‘I forgot to tell you, something else happened …’
I was so tired, I could barely follow her frantic train of thought. ‘Something else has happened to Emily?’
‘No, not Emily. Forget Emily.’ Annie paused, obviously cross with herself for saying such a heartless thing. ‘But she’s going to be all right, is she? She’s on the mend?’
‘I don’t know,’ I told her honestly. ‘I hope so. But she was in a bad way when we got there.’
‘You did well,’ Annie said. ‘But, Lil …’ She took a breath. ‘There’s a man here to see you.’
I blinked at her. ‘Bobby?’ I said, my heart lifting.
‘No, not Bobby,’ she said. ‘He said his name is Ian Mayhew.’
I felt myself sway slightly, whether from shock or fatigue, I didn’t know.
The Hidden Women Page 17