Now I was alone in bed, and I could hear Jack in the shower. I shut my eyes so I couldn’t see the carnage in my room, and listened to his muffled singing through the wall. I was pleased to see him, even if I’d not really seen him. I just hoped he wouldn’t wake Dora. I wasn’t ready to have her seeing him share my bed. Not yet.
When Jack came back into the room, hair wet and wearing just a pair of jeans, I couldn’t hide my smile.
‘You’re awake,’ he said. ‘And looking very pleased about it.’
‘Pleased to see you,’ I said. ‘Even though it’s extremely early.’
‘Jet lag,’ he said. ‘Sorry.’
‘How was the show?’
Jack made a face. ‘Hard work,’ he said. ‘But brilliant. There’s talk of extending the guest role.’
‘Really?’ I was impressed. ‘That will be great.’
‘I’d have to be in New York for longer,’ he said. ‘Few months probably.’
I was alarmed by how much that thought alarmed me. But I forced a smile. ‘So, Dora and I will come and stay with you for a while,’ I said.
Jack was looking round for his T-shirt and I pointed to the wrecked dressing table.
‘You could come with me for the whole time,’ he said. ‘Oops, did I do that?’
He looked at the skew-whiff print on the wall and I nodded.
‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘Just leave it …’
Jack pulled on his T-shirt – inside out – then tried to straighten the picture. He stood back to check it was right, and there was a pause and then it dropped down the wall and hit the floor with a crack. I winced.
‘Oh bugger,’ Jack said. ‘I’ll get it reframed for you.’
I closed my eyes again. Jack was definitely worth the chaos he brought with him, but man there was a lot of chaos.
‘I have to go,’ he said.
‘Stay a bit longer.’
‘What about Dora?’
‘She’s still asleep.’
Jack shook his head. ‘I can’t, more’s the pity. I’m working.’
‘Again?’ I said. ‘It’s the weekend. Why are you working?’
‘I don’t know, ask my agent,’ he said, giving me his best grin. ‘Can we catch up later?’ He crawled up the bed and gave me a lingering kiss. ‘We can continue this later too,’ he said. ‘What are you doing today?’
‘Going to see Lil,’ I said. ‘I want to speak to her about everything I’ve found out.’
I’d filled Jack in via email while he was away, so he knew as much as I did.
‘Oh, I wish I could come,’ he said. ‘Can I come?’
‘You’re filming,’ I reminded him. I ruffled his hair. ‘And you’re going to be late.’
‘They’ll wait for me,’ he said confidently.
‘They won’t.’
Jack screwed up his face. ‘No, you’re right. They won’t,’ he said. ‘Must go.’
He gave me one last kiss and disappeared out of the door. I heard him thump down the stairs, missing the last step and thumping extra hard, and then open and close the door. Smiling to myself I stretched out in bed, wiggling my toes in delight at how lucky I was to have met him.
Then I got up and started to pick up my fallen make-up brushes. I straightened everything on my dressing table, retrieved the pillow from behind the headboard and plumped it up, made my bed, and then looked in dismay at the Audrey Hepburn print. It had landed on its end and the glass was cracked diagonally all the way across. I decided to leave it where it was, leaning against the wall, in case the glass fell out when I moved it. I didn’t want Dora to cut herself.
‘Lucky it wasn’t a mirror,’ I said to myself with a shudder. ‘Don’t want seven years’ bad luck now when everything is going so well.’
Singing softly to myself, I got Dora up and dressed and we ate toast while making silly faces at each other.
‘We’re going to see Lil,’ I told her, and she smiled happily.
‘Lil, Lil, Lil,’ she cooed. ‘Pony?’
‘Go and find them, then.’
I helped her down from the table and she ran off into the lounge to search for her little ponies. I bustled about packing a bag for her with snacks and nappies and spare clothes and all the other stuff a two-year-old girl needed to leave the house.
When the doorbell rang, I was annoyed, thinking it was Mum or Miranda come to interfere in my visit to Lil’s, but even that didn’t stop my good mood.
I ran down the hall and threw open the door. There, looking exactly the same as he had the last time I’d seen him, more than a year before, was Greg. To his side, slightly behind him and gripping his hand with both of hers, was a tall blonde woman – almost as tall as he was – with straight white teeth and tanned skin.
‘Helena,’ Greg said. ‘Hi.’
I stared at him not sure what to say. ‘Hi,’ I managed.
‘This is Kimberley,’ he said, turning slightly to the blonde woman.
‘Hi,’ she said.
We stood there awkwardly for a second.
‘Could we come in?’ Greg said, politely. ‘We won’t take up too much of your time.’ Like he was selling double glazing or something.
I stepped back and let them come in, then I remembered Dora was in the lounge so I stood like a sentry by the door to stop them going that way.
‘Kitchen,’ I muttered.
I didn’t offer them a drink, and I didn’t sit down. I stood by the worktop, while Greg and the woman – Kimberley – perched at the table.
‘What do you want?’ I said rudely. ‘Only, I’m busy.’
Greg took a breath. ‘I wanted to see you,’ he said. ‘Because I’m home for a visit, and well, some things have changed, and I thought I should come in person because I didn’t think you’d answer if I called …’
I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. ‘What do you want?’ I said again.
‘We’re getting married,’ Greg said. ‘Me and Kimberley.’
‘Lovely,’ I said. ‘Congratulations. See yourselves out.’
Kimberley gave a funny little laugh. ‘Helena,’ she said. She was Canadian, judging by her accent. I glared at her. ‘This is my fault in a way. You see, Greg told me about your daughter, Dora, and I suggested he come visit her.’
Greg smiled at her in an indulgent way. A way he’d never smiled at me.
‘It was more than a suggestion,’ he said. ‘It was an ultimatum.’
‘I don’t care,’ I said.
Greg shifted on his chair awkwardly. ‘No, of course not,’ he said. ‘Long story short, Kimberley told me she wouldn’t marry me unless I reached out to you, and tried to form a relationship with Dora.’
Despite myself, I was impressed. I looked at Kimberley. ‘You said that?’
She nodded and I nodded back.
There was a pause.
‘Great,’ I said. ‘Fabulous. So, you’ve “reached out”,’ I made the words heavy with sarcasm. ‘Now you need to go.’
‘Helena,’ Greg said. ‘Please.’
‘How long are you here for?’ I said. ‘Are you staying?’
He shook his head. ‘Just a month this time,’ he said. ‘But there’s a possibility I could be transferred back to London in the future.’
‘Yay,’ I said. I found a piece of junk mail that was lying on the side and handed it to him with a pen.
‘Write your number on there,’ I said. ‘I’ll think about it.’
Obediently, Greg wrote his phone number and an address on the envelope. ‘We’re staying in an Airbnb,’ he said. ‘It’s not far from here.’
I shrugged. ‘I’ve got a train to catch,’ I said. ‘You need to go.’
‘Is Dora here?’ Greg said. He looked round as though he was expecting her to jump out of the fridge.
‘She’s in the lounge,’ I said. ‘Please go away.’
Greg and Kimberley exchanged looks and then, obviously deciding it wasn’t worth arguing, they both stood up and trailed down the hall to the front door.
As they stepped out of the front door, Dora appeared in the lounge doorway.
‘Mamma,’ she said. I scooped her up in case Greg tried to talk to her.
‘Go away,’ I said again. ‘I’ll call you.’
They walked down the path and I shut the door behind them. Then I buried my face in Dora’s curls, hardly able to believe that Greg had just been here after so long.
‘Come on then, baby,’ I said to her. ‘Let’s forget about that silly man.’
‘Silly man,’ she echoed, as I’d known she would.
‘We need to go and see Lil.’
Lil would know what to do.
Chapter 36
Lilian
July 1944
Back at the base, I had time for a cup of tea in the mess hut, and then I found the taxi plane that was taking me back to Maidenhead.
‘It’s all ready,’ one of the ground crew told me. He had bright ginger hair that stuck up on top of his head in a tuft, and an infectious smile. ‘There’s just you and the pilot today. You can check her out, if you like?’
I climbed into the cockpit and did the checks because there was still no sign of the pilot, and then I realised I’d left my bag on the ground outside the plane. I tutted to myself. I was tired and not thinking straight, feeling a bit emotional after meeting Mary, but that was no excuse to be so slack.
I jumped down and picked it up, just in time to see a pair of legs disappearing into the back of the plane.
‘Excuse me,’ I called, assuming it was the pilot. ‘Is there a problem?’
I walked round to the back of the plane. It was a Wellington, so it was big and there was plenty of room inside. I called out again but there was no reply. Perhaps I’d imagined it? And when I saw the pilot climb into the cockpit, it seemed I had.
The ginger-headed mechanic walked past and I called out to him. ‘Is there someone still working on the plane?’ I asked.
He shook his head. ‘No, you can go,’ he said. He gave me a cheeky smile. ‘Unless you’d rather stay here with me?’
I rolled my eyes but I smiled – his grin really was infectious.
‘I thought I heard someone inside,’ I explained. ‘Can I check it’s clear to put my mind at rest?’
‘No time,’ he said. ‘You’re cleared for take-off and the pilot’s there. You need to go.’
On cue, the engine started, so sighing, I climbed into the cockpit next to the pilot and introduced myself.
The flight home was uneventful, but as soon as we landed back in Maidenhead, I jumped down from the cockpit and raced round to the back of the plane.
I put my arms up and pulled myself through the open hatch, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the dim light inside.
And there, perched on one of the long benches used by the bomber crew, sat Will Bates and Rose Smythe.
Will, to his credit, looked horrified that I’d found them. Rose, however, looked at me in defiance.
‘Found us then?’ she said.
I couldn’t speak. I was so surprised to see them there that I couldn’t find the words. ‘What?’ I muttered. ‘Why?’
‘Lil, I’m so sorry,’ Will said. ‘I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’
‘What?’ I said again. ‘What happened?’ I sat down on the bench opposite them and stared at them. ‘Would someone explain what’s going on here?’
Rose lifted her chin. ‘I’ll explain,’ she said.
I made a flourish with my hand. ‘Please do,’ I said.
‘I knew you were up to something,’ she said. ‘You and those friends of yours. I heard you talking in the lav at the dance and I’ve seen you whispering and sneaking about. I thought it was black market stuff you were trading, or selling, and I wanted to know what you were doing.’
She paused. ‘I was doing my bit for the war effort,’ she said.
‘Pah, no you bloody weren’t,’ I said. ‘You just wanted to annoy me.’
Rose didn’t take my bait. ‘The black market is destroying Britain’s efforts to fight Nazi Germany,’ she parroted. ‘It was our duty to find out what you were doing.’
I looked at Will. ‘And she told you all this, did she?’
He nodded, looking at his feet. ‘She said we had to find out what you were doing because it was definitely illegal. And I was angry with you,’ he said. ‘Because you lied.’
My head was spinning. ‘Lied?’ I said. ‘Lied about what?’
‘About your bloke.’
I shook my head, completely confused.
‘I saw you with him,’ Will said. ‘I saw you kiss him.’
‘Mr Mayhew?’ I said. ‘You saw me?’
I made a fist with one hand and punched the other palm. ‘Bloody hell, Will. I heard you outside, but I thought you two were just having a kiss and a cuddle. You were spying on me?’
‘You were kissing another bloke.’
‘I wasn’t,’ I said. ‘He kissed me.’ Then I gathered myself. ‘And even if I had kissed him, it’s none of your business.’
Will scowled at me, making his little boy face look ugly and twisted. ‘You told me you didn’t want to be with me, because something bad happened to you,’ he said. ‘And you told me it was over.’
‘I told the truth,’ I hissed at him. ‘But I owe you nothing.’
Rose jumped in. ‘Will told me what you’d said, and I remembered all the rumours about you and Ian Mayhew back home,’ she said. ‘When he turned up at the base, I realised it was all true.’
‘This has nothing to do with you,’ I said, still bewildered. ‘Why do you even care?’
‘Because why should you get away with it, when nobody else does?’ Rose said. ‘Why should you get to do whatever you want with no consequences, when we don’t?’
I laughed without humour. ‘Oh, there are consequences,’ I said. ‘Believe me, there are consequences.’
‘There will be,’ Rose said.
I shrugged. ‘I’m not involved in the black market,’ I said. ‘Do whatever you need to do.’
Rose leaned forward on her elbows. ‘I know you’re not involved in the black market,’ she said.
I looked at her closely. Why was she smiling?
‘I know what you and your horrible friends are doing. You’re arranging illegal abortions for women with no morals. And probably being paid handsomely for it, too.’
My stomach plummeted into my boots. Shit. Shit. Shit. She did know. She and Will must have followed me to meet Mary, and eavesdropped on our conversation.
‘I’m not sure which bit is the worst,’ Rose went on. ‘The illegality of it. The fact that these women might die. Or the fact that these women don’t really deserve anyone’s help. If they’ve got themselves into trouble, then why shouldn’t they get themselves out of it?’
‘It’s not like that,’ I said, through gritted teeth. ‘That’s not what it is.’
Will spoke up. ‘When I thought you were involved in the black market I felt bloody awful,’ he said, looking stricken. ‘But this is much, much worse. This is people’s lives you’re playing with, Lil. It’s not just a few cigarettes that have fallen off the back of a lorry, or a couple of bottles of bootlegged booze.’
‘It’s important,’ I began, then I stopped. What was the point? They’d never understand why we did the things we did.
‘What are you going to do?’ I asked.
‘We’re going straight to Flight Captain Rogers and telling her,’ Rose said firmly.
But Will shook his head. ‘Anonymous, you agreed,’ he said to Rose.
Rose sighed. ‘Fine. We’ll find a way to tip her off anonymously,’ she said. ‘It doesn’t really matter how we do it. The important thing is we do it. She can’t be allowed to get away with this, Will. She really can’t.’
‘I’m still here, you know,’ I said. ‘Still here, listening to what you’re saying.’
Will was shaking his head. ‘It’s not right,’ he said. I felt a tiny glimmer of hope and I smiled at him.
<
br /> ‘Oh for goodness’ sake,’ Rose said, infuriated. ‘I’ll do it if you don’t want to. I’m not scared of her.’ She tipped her head in my direction.
Will looked right at me. ‘Scared of her?’ he said. ‘I’m not scared of her. I …’ He trailed off and Rose scowled at him.
‘You’re in love with her?’ she said, disgusted. ‘Still? After everything?’
Will shrugged. ‘I wish it wasn’t true,’ he said. ‘But I can’t help it.’
I looked straight at him. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said and he nodded.
‘I’m going to report this,’ Rose said. ‘She’s not getting away with it. Even if you are in love with her.’ She spat the words out and I shuddered.
‘Do what you need to do,’ Will said.
He got up and slid out of the hatch on to the runway. I watched him walk away without looking back. Then I followed him. I had to get to Annie and Flora before Rose did whatever it was she was planning.
‘Enjoy your time while it lasts,’ Rose called after me. ‘You’re not going to be here much longer.’
I pretended I hadn’t heard, but I had an awful feeling she was right.
Chapter 37
Helena
July 2018
On the way down to Surrey on the train, Dora went to sleep on my lap so I reread the court martial documents, even though I almost knew them off by heart now I’d read them so many times. I wanted a distraction so I didn’t think about Greg.
I would ring him, I thought. I couldn’t keep him away from Dora, despite how rubbish he’d been in the past, and Kimberley had struck me as a nice enough woman.
But I was shaken by his timing – when all these family secrets were coming out of the woodwork, and just as I was getting into something with Jack. Suddenly I felt like the ground had shifted beneath my feet, and the happy person I’d been that morning seemed a long way away.
I drummed my fingers on the court documents. I was a bit apprehensive about telling Lil what I knew, but I thought she’d be relieved it was out in the open. I imagined she had kept quiet about what she’d done because of the illegality of abortions back then. Could she even get into trouble with the law now for things she’d done back then? I wasn’t sure. Plus of course there were the moral questions that remained even now. I thought if I told her how amazing we all believed her to be, she’d be pleased, and hopefully even see that she had done a wonderful thing back then, no matter what the law had said.
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