‘Helena, lovely to see you,’ he said. ‘I was just making tea – would you like one?’
‘No thanks,’ I said. ‘I can’t stop. Greg’s got Dora.’
Dad raised his eyebrows. ‘He has?’
‘Yes,’ I said shortly. ‘And it’s your fault.’
Dad chuckled. ‘Why is it my fault?’
I wasn’t sure, not really. But I knew I was angry with Dad and I wanted to get it out. ‘I’ve been suspended from work,’ I said. I knew I was exaggerating but it felt like a suspension. ‘Fliss has asked me to take three weeks off.’
Dad sat down at the table. ‘Good Lord,’ he said. ‘She found out what you were doing?’
‘She did.’
‘Did you tell her you’d done it for me?’
I shook my head. ‘What difference would that have made, Dad?’ I said. ‘It doesn’t matter why I did it, I just made the wrong decision.’
I took a deep shaky breath.
‘And the same with Lil. I did the wrong thing and now I’m paying the price.’
‘I’ll explain to Lil,’ Dad said.
‘No,’ I almost shouted. ‘How can you, now? How can you explain? Even me talking to her about the court case has made her ill. Imagine how she’ll react if you rock up and start asking if she’s your mother.’
Dad stayed quiet.
‘Dad, I’ve messed everything up,’ I said. ‘I just wanted to give Dora a good childhood, you know. The sort of childhood …’
I stopped just in time but Dad knew where I was going. ‘The sort of childhood you didn’t have?’
I closed my eyes. ‘Yes,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’
Dad reached across the table and took my hand. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry.’
His voice cracked a bit and I looked at him. He seemed wretched and suddenly very old.
‘We’ve never really talked about it, have we?’ he said. ‘That time?’
‘It wasn’t so bad, for Miranda and me,’ I said. ‘We were older. It was the little ones who missed out.’
But Dad shook his head. ‘It wasn’t a picnic for you either. And that was my fault.’ He slurped at his tea. ‘When Sal – your mum – when she was ill after Immy was born, I went to pieces,’ he said. ‘I don’t know what would have happened if Lil hadn’t stepped in. You girls were taking care of me and you were so little. And Lysander was just a tiny thing. I’d never paid much attention when you were babies, and suddenly I had to make sure Imogen was fed and had clean nappies.’
His voice cracked again and I winced. It was hard to see my father this way.
‘And then Lil turned up and made everything okay. She showed me how to be a dad. A proper dad, not just a dad who did the fun bits and then sodded off back to my studio.’
I nodded. ‘She did,’ I said. ‘She was amazing. And we’ve let her down so badly.’ I closed my eyes again, picturing Greg and Kimberley. ‘And I’ve let Dora down.’
‘Absolutely not,’ said Dad, quite crossly. ‘You have absolutely not let Dora down.’
‘She’s going to end up in a broken family,’ I said. ‘Spending weekends here and there.’
Dad shrugged. ‘So?’ he said.
‘So, that’s not what I wanted.’
Dad took my hand again. ‘It’s not a broken family,’ he said. ‘It’s just a family. They come in all shapes and sizes.’
I looked at him, not convinced.
‘Jack said that, remember?’ he went on. ‘That it’s not to do with blood, it’s to do with love? You told me.’
I nodded.
‘I was very lucky to have parents as loving as Ruth and Bobby were,’ Dad said. ‘And I am lucky to have Lil in my life, still, whether or not she is my biological mother.’
I nodded again.
‘And Dora is lucky to have a wonderful mum like you. And she’ll be lucky to have a dad who loves her.’
‘And a stepmother,’ I said.
‘And maybe a stepfather, one day,’ Dad said softly.
I shook my head this time. ‘It’s too hard, Dad,’ I said. ‘I thought I could ease Jack into the family, but it’s too hard.’
‘Don’t punish yourself, Helena,’ Dad said.
I gave him a weak smile. ‘What are we going to do about Lil?’ I said.
Dad shrugged. ‘I’m not sure,’ he said. ‘But we’ll think of something. We’ll put it all right.’
Chapter 44
Lilian
February 1940
I was terrified. More scared than I’d ever been in my life. More frightened than when I told Mr Mayhew I was pregnant, or the first time he’d pushed his hands up my skirt and told me I was precious. More frightened than when Bobby signed up, or when we saw German planes flying low over the villages back down in Kent at the beginning of the war.
The baby was coming.
‘Don’t panic,’ Ruth was saying to me, over and over. ‘Just keep breathing and it will all be fine.’
‘Where’s Katie?’ I said, my voice shrill. ‘Where is she?’
‘Jemima’s gone to fetch her,’ Ruth said. ‘They’ll be here soon.’
Another pain gripped me and I doubled over, clutching my stomach.
‘No, darling, breathe,’ Ruth said. I wanted to hit her. How could she be telling me what to do, when she’d never been through this? How dare she? And then the pain subsided and I felt a wave of shame. How could I have thought such awful thoughts about caring Ruth?
I was in my bedroom upstairs, where Ruth had helped me when the pains started to come closer together. I’d found when the contractions started it was better to stand up and hang on to my metal bedstead but now they were gone again, I lowered myself on to the bed and leaned against the pillows. This was awful.
I burst into tears. ‘I can’t do it,’ I sobbed. ‘I can’t have a baby. I’m only a girl. I can’t do it, Ruth. Don’t make me do it.’
Ruth had a bowlful of water at my side and now she wrung out a cloth and gently dabbed my sweaty forehead.
‘Sweet Lil,’ she said. ‘It’s nearly over. Keep going, brave girl.’
I carried on crying, but my sobs were quieter and outside I heard Jemima’s van pull up.
‘Thank God, thank God, thank God,’ I said under my breath.
Jemima and Katie came into the room just as another pain arrived. I heaved myself up and gripped the bedpost tightly, Ruth rubbing my back.
‘How far apart are the contractions?’ Katie said.
‘Two minutes,’ Ruth said, ‘and getting closer together all the time.’
Katie was all business. She waited for the pain to lessen then helped me back on to the bed. She was surprisingly strong for someone so tiny.
‘Can I take a look?’ she asked. I nodded, just wanting it to be over, and turned my head so I didn’t have to watch.
‘You’re nearly there,’ she said. ‘Clever girl.’
Nearly, as it turned out, meant another two hours of contractions. I cried, and I shouted, and at one point I pulled off my nightie and threw it at Ruth. Until eventually Katie examined me and grinned.
‘This baby’s about to arrive,’ she said. ‘Next contraction, Lil, I want you to start pushing.’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I can’t. I’m too tired.’ I wanted to curl up on the bed and die. Or sleep. Either one. I did not want to push.
‘Come on, girl,’ Ruth said. She was sitting next to me on the bed, arm round my shoulder. ‘Come on. It’s nearly over.’
I felt the wave of pain take over and I pushed with all my might.
‘The head and shoulders are out,’ Katie said in delight. ‘Keep going.’
I screwed up my face and pushed hard, and with a gush of – something – I felt the baby slip out from between my legs. Katie scooped it up and there was a second where everything was quiet and then the tiny, purple creature she was holding began to cry.
‘Oh, Lil,’ Ruth sobbed. ‘You did it.’
‘It’s a boy,’ Katie said, holding him aloft li
ke he was a trophy. ‘A beautiful, bouncing boy.’
‘A boy,’ Ruth said. Jemima, who’d made herself scarce when things started to get too much, poked her head round the door and Ruth beckoned her to come in.
‘It’s a boy,’ she said and Jemima nodded.
‘Knew it,’ she said.
Katie efficiently snipped the cord, then wrapped the baby in a blanket. I looked at the little bundle she was holding and then at Ruth’s sweaty, tear-stained face.
‘Give him to Ruth,’ I said. ‘Give the baby to Ruth.’
Katie paused. ‘Are you sure?’
I nodded, feeling my heart pounding in my chest. ‘He’s Ruth’s baby,’ I said.
Carefully, Katie handed the tot to Ruth and she cradled him, looking at his face adoringly.
‘He looks like Bobby,’ she said. ‘Oh you precious little mite, hello.’
The baby stopped crying.
‘He likes you,’ I said, my voice croaky. ‘He knows you’re his mummy.’
‘Lil,’ Ruth said, still looking at the baby’s little face. ‘Are you positive about this? You don’t have to do it, you know.’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t be a mother,’ I said, shakily. ‘Not now. Not to this baby.’
Ruth stroked my hair with one hand. ‘Do you want to hold him?’
Did I? To my surprise, I nodded and Ruth gave him to me. I looked down at his tiny features, searching for any sign of Mr Mayhew and feeling thankful when I couldn’t see anything. Ruth was right; he did look like Bobby.
‘Hello, baby,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry I can’t be your mummy. But I know Ruth will care for you and love you so much. Much more than I can. And your dad is a wonderful man. The best man. I know he will be there for you too. He’ll teach you to ride your bike and your mummy will teach you your letters and your numbers. She’s very clever you know? And maybe one day, I can teach you how to play the piano?’
I spread out his little fingers, which were curled over on the blanket. ‘You’ve got a good span,’ I said. ‘I think you’ll make a wonderful pianist.’ Very gently, I kissed him on the top of his soft, dark hair, and then I handed him back to Ruth. ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘Look after him.’
Ruth was still crying. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘I will. I promise.’
Katie coughed politely. ‘Ladies,’ she said. ‘I need to have a look at Lil and check she doesn’t need any stitches. And we need to deliver the afterbirth, darling.’
‘We’ll leave you,’ Ruth said.
‘Take the baby,’ I urged her but Katie shook her head.
‘He needs feeding,’ she said. ‘Do you want to try?’
I closed my eyes briefly. ‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘Will he be all right if I don’t?’
‘We’ve got some baby milk downstairs,’ Ruth said.
‘And bottles,’ Jemima added. ‘I’ve sterilised them already. Boiled them in a pot.’
Katie nodded approvingly. ‘He’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘I can make you some tea with sage leaves, Lil. That will help to dry up your milk, and if Jemima can find me some cabbage leaves we can put them in your brassiere so it won’t hurt so bad. Why don’t you take him downstairs, Ruth, and sit by the fire with him. Give him a bottle but remember he’s only tiny and he won’t drink much.’
Her face glowing with happiness, Ruth agreed.
‘Wait,’ I said. ‘Can I name him?’
‘Of course.’ Ruth looked a bit nervous and I thought she was worried I’d want to call him Ian.
‘Robert,’ I said. ‘Call him Robert.’
‘Robert,’ Ruth said. ‘That’s perfect.’
She smiled at me, cuddled little Robert closer, and she and Jemima went downstairs.
‘Let’s patch you up, then,’ said Katie. She looked at me, her expression soft. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I feel like I’ve been knocked over by a bus,’ I said.
‘I meant inside. How are you feeling inside?’
I thought about it, thinking about Robert’s little face and his pink fingers gripping the blanket, and then I smiled. ‘I’m sad,’ I said. ‘And happy. And most of all, I’m relieved.’
Katie nodded. ‘What are you going to do now?’ she asked.
I looked out of the window at the leaden winter sky. ‘Now I’m going to learn how to fly,’ I said.
Chapter 45
Helena
July 2018
What I’d said to Dad about Jack was true. I’d been pushing the thought aside since Greg turned up but now it had planted itself right at the front of my brain.
Dora had enough going on in her life with Greg arriving the way he had. And I did too, with Lil, and Dad, and work. It just all seemed too difficult. And behind all my doubts was a niggle. The tiniest little niggle that said he’d talked me into doing Lil’s research. It was all his idea. That he’d said I should look into it and use him as a cover story. Maybe I’d been wrong to blame Dad for the whole mess with Lil; maybe it was Jack’s fault.
By the time he emerged from his reshoots, halfway through the following week, my house was shining because I’d cleaned it – again. My wardrobe was bare, because I’d cleared out all the clothes I didn’t wear, my bookshelves were in alphabetical order, and Greg had picked Dora up from nursery every day.
‘Shall I come round?’ Jack said on the phone.
‘Actually,’ I said. ‘I’ll come to you.’
Greg and Kimberley agreed to babysit, so I took a bottle of wine and some posh crisps and went over to Jack’s house.
When he opened the door and pulled me into an embrace I wanted to cry. Everything about him just felt so right.
He poured the wine, and opened the crisps and I found a bowl to put them in. And then we went through to the lounge and he took a deep breath. ‘I’ve got some news,’ he said.
I blinked. ‘You have?’
‘I got that job. In New York.’
‘On the Netflix show?’ I said, thrilled. ‘They want you back? That’s amazing.’
He grinned. ‘It’s totally amazing,’ he said. ‘It’s eight episodes now, but it could even lead to more.’ His face fell. ‘The only thing that’s not amazing, is that I need to go to the States.’
My heart was pounding in my chest. ‘I think that could be a good thing,’ I said, hardly able to believe I was saying the words. ‘Let me tell you everything that’s happened since I last saw you.’
First I told him about Lil. I explained that I’d gone to see her, and what she’d told me, and that now she wasn’t talking to me.
‘Bloody hell,’ Jack said. ‘This is one incredible story.’
‘Totally incredible,’ I said.
‘But you need to tell her that it all came from your dad. It’s not fair for you to take the blame like this.’
‘Oh, I’m just getting started,’ I said.
Jack topped up my wine.
‘Fliss found out what I was doing,’ I said. ‘She was annoyed and concerned, and she’s told me to take three weeks off to sort it out.’
‘Shit,’ Jack said. ‘But you’re not suspended or anything?’
‘Not officially. But it feels like it.’
‘Bloody hell,’ Jack said again. ‘I spend one weekend doing reshoots and it’s all gone crazy.’
‘And I’m not even finished,’ I said.
I filled him in on Greg showing up unannounced and he grew stern and quiet.
‘That’s what you want is it?’ he said. ‘Greg back in your life?’
‘He’s not back in my life, not really,’ I pointed out. ‘He’s in Dora’s.’
Jack nodded. ‘He hurt you so badly,’ he said.
‘He did,’ I agreed. ‘I won’t ever forget that. But this isn’t about me and him. He’s engaged to someone else, and I’m … well, I’m moving on too. It’s about him and Dora.’
‘So when I left you the other morning, things were fine and now everything’s fallen apart?’ Jack said.
I forced a smile. ‘Basi
cally,’ I said. I took a breath. ‘And that’s what I wanted to talk about.’
‘Don’t,’ said Jack. ‘Don’t say it.’
‘I think this New York thing could be good,’ I said. ‘It’s a break, some time off, isn’t it? It’s what I need, Jack, to sort my life out. How long will you be gone?’
‘Four months? Maybe a bit longer.’ Jack’s face was totally still. He stared straight ahead.
‘Listen,’ I said. ‘You came into my life and I wasn’t expecting you. You arrived and just created chaos.’
A muscle twitched by Jack’s eye.
‘And it’s been amazing. And wonderful. But that chaos has spread through my whole life and my job, and my family. And I need to put it back together again and I can’t do it if you’re here.’
Jack was looking perplexed. I couldn’t meet his eyes – his gorgeous, lovely brown eyes – because I knew if I did I would crumble.
‘Helena, sweetheart,’ he said. ‘I can see why you might think this is a good idea. Because it was my idea, wasn’t it? It was me who suggested you research Lil. You wouldn’t have done it – none of this would have happened without me.’
My eyes grew hot with tears. He knew me so well; he understood how I thought. But I shook my head. ‘That’s not it,’ I lied. But Jack carried on.
‘And I see now that it was wrong. We did the wrong thing when we carried on poking about in Lil’s life,’ he said. ‘But you did it for your dad. That wasn’t wrong. You were doing what you thought was best. Lil will understand that.’
I took a deep shuddery breath because from where I was standing it didn’t look like Lil would ever understand that.
Jack was still talking. ‘Fliss will come round,’ he said. ‘And Greg? Well, you can work that out.’
‘It’s not going to be easy,’ I said.
‘And that’s why you need me on your side.’
‘I can’t do it,’ I said. ‘I can’t think of you right now. My life is broken and I need to fix it.’
Jack sighed. ‘I really don’t think your life is broken, my darling. And if it is, then perhaps it needed to break – just a little bit.’
Stubbornly, I shook my head. ‘It was fine,’ I insisted. ‘Dora was happy. My job was fine – it was great – and now I’ve been suspended. My family was great. My sister was wonderful. Lil was wonderful. It was exactly how I needed it to be.’ I let out a sob. ‘And now it’s all different.’
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