so he left.
But then,
when it was time,
he came back.”
He nods. “Maybe like that.”
I hold the whole candy jar in my lap
and look down
until the wrappers all blend together
and my eyes fill and splash right down,
like filling an aquarium
with Kit Kats for rocks,
and I ask
one
more
question.
“If Jake ran away because he messed up,
can I still love him?
Even if he hurt somebody?
Can I still think he’s a good brother?”
Bishop Gregersen comes around the desk then.
Sets the jar back on the desk.
Takes the crushed candy bars
from each of my hands.
Puts a new Kit Kat on each of my palms.
“Whatever is wrong, God can make it right.
And Jake is one of the best brothers I’ve ever seen.”
He crouches down and looks right at me.
“Next to you, anyway.”
I slip those Kit Kats
into my pocket
and save them
for when I need them.
For now,
I am not so hungry
anymore.
The great thing about the weight room is that it smells like the Hulk’s balls. I mean, it’s not great when you first walk in, but after a while you don’t notice it anymore, and then when you remember what it first smelled like and realize that not only have you gotten used to it but you are contributing to something as unstoppably manly and powerful as the smell of the Hulk’s balls, you feel like you could lift a freaking diesel.
Technically, it’s a coed weight room, but last year they finished the new weight room in the annex. I’ve been to that weight room—it’s smaller, but the equipment’s new, and it doesn’t smell nearly as much.
Anyway, some unspoken rule has the girls going over there while the guys stay here, tucked underground with tunnels and storage closets that probably only creepy Caruso knows his way around. So I don’t even think twice before I go up to the mirror and pull down my waistband to check out a bump on my butt. Upper cheek, and I’m pretty discreet about it, so nobody else in the room even gives a crap.
What is this thing, though? Ingrown hair? Huge ugly butt zit? On anybody else, it would be disgusting, but when you find stuff like this on your own skin, it’s a fascinating scientific specimen.
I give it a squeeze, and it bursts like a water balloon.
And that’s when Jenna walks in.
I pull up my waistband and spin around. She’s heading straight for me and making a face, but I hope it’s from Hulk-ball smell and not because she noticed what I was doing.
“We need to talk.”
“Okay,” I say, walking away from the mirror and loading some plates onto a bar. “Spot me so I can finish up.”
In reality, my arms are fresh and I haven’t benched at all yet—it’s been mostly legs and core so far. But Jenna doesn’t need to know that. She lifts the weights and sets them in place like they’re nothing, and I’m not sure whether I’m turned on or intimidated by how ripped she is. Probably both.
“I’ll make it quick,” she says. “It smells like balls in here.”
“Hulk’s balls,” I say, swinging myself down onto the bench.
She nods. “That’s about right. So, anyway, we need to talk about your boy Jake.”
I wasn’t expecting that, and I nearly drop the bar across my chest. Jenna catches it right before it crushes me, but I recover quickly. “Thanks,” I say. “I got it now. I just wasn’t ready.”
But I’m still shaky. I haven’t actually talked about Jake to anybody since he sent that text.
“Here’s the deal,” Jenna says. “I’m the admin on that ‘Find Jake’ page, and I gotta talk to somebody about it. Half of what comes in is totally useless, and the other half is about drugs.”
This time I’m ready. And, okay, it’s not as much of a surprise.
“What kind of comments? What kind of drugs?”
Jenna shrugs. “All kinds.”
Referring to both the drugs and the comments, I guess. “So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying it sure seems like he had a problem, and since we’re filtering those comments out, I don’t think the police know. Did you tell them?”
My arms and chest burn as I do another rep, and another, and another.
“I’ll take that as a no. And I’m guessing by the way you’re sweating that you knew. Or you suspected, anyway.”
I let the bar fall back onto the stand with a loud clang, then sit up to face her. “What difference does it make? The police went through his whole house. If there was anything to find, they found it, and they know what they’re working with. I’m not going to snitch on my best friend when they already know. If there’s anything to know.”
Jenna nods. “So you won’t mind if I pass this stuff along to them.”
“Do what you gotta do,” I say. I don’t mean it, but I also know it doesn’t matter what I say. Jenna’s going to do what she wants anyway. Not sure why she’s even asking.
“You messed up in this with him?” she asks, looking a little like she actually cares.
“Nah,” I say. “I never touch the stuff.”
She straddles the other end of the bench, and we’re facing each other, like it’s another damned police interview, except this officer is way hotter. And closer.
“What do you think happened to him?”
That’s all anybody’s been asking for weeks. The people who really care aren’t throwing the question out there in the halls, but everybody else talks about Jake disappearing like it’s a plot twist in a movie or something.
I decide to be straight with her. Mostly.
“I think he lived and breathed basketball for so long that when it was over, he snapped. I don’t know if he’s hiding away in the woods or trying out for the Harlem Globetrotters or what. But bottom line: nobody has found a body. Because he’s out there. I have to believe he’s out there, and he’ll find the way back when he’s ready.”
“Okay. Let’s say you’re right and he’s out there. You don’t think he was abducted?”
I grab the bottom of my T-shirt and wipe the sweat from my face, just in case she wants to check out the washboard. “Nope. Hard to see Jake being held anywhere against his will.”
“And you don’t think drugs have anything to do with it?”
I think drugs have everything to do with it. But I can talk myself out of it every time. And I know that even if Jake did get himself messed up in that, there wouldn’t be a damn thing anybody else could do for him unless he wanted to quit.
“Why are you so interested in whether Jake was on something? You asking all this for a friend?”
She bites her lip. “Maybe.”
I’ve heard the rumors about Jenna. How her dad came up a few pills short in the pharmacy once and she hasn’t been behind the counter since. How she passed out in the woods behind Seth’s house at a party last summer.
So I look her in the eye, try my best to tell my truth. “He promised he’d never touch the stuff. We both knew the only way drugs don’t ruin you is if you never let them in.”
Jenna looks away, and— Oh, shit. I rethink my words and realize how judgmental they sound. I know my choice not to start has to be an easier one than quitting. I’m about to try to tell her that when her face changes. Now she’s looking in the mirror, smirking.
“Thanks for the morality lesson, Kolt. By the way, your ass is bleeding.”
I stand up and twist t
o see a small red circle where I pinched earlier. Great.
“You were looking, huh?” I say, and she reaches around to give me an attaboy slap.
“Take care of that thing. It’s not so bad.”
Then she stands up and walks away.
I grab a towel and dry off before running to catch her in the hall.
“So what are you going to do about Jake?” I ask. “About all the stuff coming in on the ‘Find Jake’ page?”
Jenna shrugs, like we got too close to something real. Like she’ll never let it happen again. “I’m going to do exactly what you said.” She steps forward and tucks one fingertip inside the waistband of my shorts. “I’m going to do what I gotta do.” She locks eyes with me and we step toward each other, and I have no idea what’s about to happen, but I can’t wait to find out.
“Hey, guys!”
And then there’s Daphne.
Jenna and I snap out of it and spin to face her.
“What’s going on?” she asks. The girl’s smarter than Socrates, but she is not reading this room. Hallway. Whatever.
“Nothing,” we both say.
“Have either of you seen Seth?” she asks. “We were supposed to hang posters.”
“Nope,” Jenna says. “And I’ve got to go to work. Good talk, Kolt. Now go take a shower.” She slaps me on the butt again, then walks away, and damn if I don’t watch her do it.
“What was that about?” Daphne asks.
“Nothing.” I try to ask my question all casual. “So, what’s the deal with her?”
Daphne gives me the side-eye, and then her face clears. “You like her. Kolt! You like Jenna, don’t you?”
“Your face likes Jenna.” Definitely not my best work. “Seriously,” I beg. “Forget it.” Knowing Daphne, she’s about to do anything but that, so I cut her off. “Want to go shoot around?”
She looks at me like I am…not Socrates. “Um, Kolt, the season’s over.”
“Exactly! No pressure. No points. Let’s just play. You can study for the ACT later.”
“Kolt. Please tell me you’re joking. We’re seniors. You should have taken the ACT junior year, or at least last fall.”
Of course I’m joking. I got my acceptance letter from New Mexico two weeks ago. But she doesn’t need to know that. “Come on. My arms are Jell-O right now, so you might even be able to keep up.”
* * *
—
The gym is dark and echoes as the doors close behind us. “I’ll grab a ball, you get the lights.”
I’m in and out of the locker room with two worn leather basketballs, but the gym’s still dark.
“Sharp?” I call into the darkness. She’s across the room, over by the one safety bulb that’s always on. But she’s not really moving.
“I still can’t be here without thinking of him,” she says. “Just seeing you standing there was enough.”
I toss her a ball. “Can you be anywhere without thinking about him?”
She shakes her head, like she’s saying no, but also like she’s trying to clear something out.
“Sometimes I even think I see him. At the pharmacy, running down the street, coming out of Ms. Li’s room. I see him because I expect to and I don’t expect to. If that even makes sense. I wish it would stop, but I’m afraid of that too. Like it would mean he’s really gone for good.”
This makes two serious conversations with girls in the same day, bringing my all-time total to…two. I love Daphne like she’s my hella-smart sister, and I wish I could help her for real.
But there’s nothing I can do to bring Jake back. The best I can do is distract her.
“You’d better be afraid of me,” I say. “Because I have a serious medical condition. It’s called asskick-itis, and I’m about to show it to you on the court.”
Daphne can’t help herself. She smiles. “You know that ‘-itis’ means inflammation or swelling, right? So you have swelling in your butt from having your ass kicked? Is that what you’re telling me?”
She doesn’t know about the butt zit, does she?
Before I can ask, she knocks the ball from under my arm, and the game’s on, even though it’s still pretty dark.
The thing about me versus Daphne is that it’s really only interesting when she’s got the ball. She’s crap on defense and I’m no good at offense, especially one on one. But when she’s cutting and I’m anticipating or she’s head-faking and I almost fall for it—that’s when we’re both at our best.
She pulls up, but I block her shot and clear the ball past the three-point line. I may suck at offense, but I outweigh her enough that I can post up against her pretty well. My butt’s against her hip when I remember my secret weapon.
“Bad news, Sharp,” I say. “You’re right up against my butt zit.”
She backs off so fast I almost fall to the floor. “Gross, Kolt! Are you serious?”
I spin around and make an easy five-footer off the glass. “Yup. And it just gave me the lead.” I slap five on the tiny red circle on my shorts.
“I’m out,” she says, throwing up her hands. “Game over.” But she’s laughing so hard I can’t let her leave.
“Sharp, no! We’re sorry! That wasn’t fair. Two on one. How could you ever win? Stay. I’ll spot you five points in the next one.” I wrap my arms around her from behind, and she tries to pull my hands apart, but we’re both just playing. “If you’ve got one, you can invite her! It’ll be even teams again.”
Then the doors open, and there’s blinding light and a dark silhouette.
“Wow, sorry. Am I interrupting?”
Daphne and I break apart.
“Seth,” she says. “I tried to find you to help hang posters. We were supposed to meet at the weight room.”
“I was in the weight room in the annex. But I guess you found Kolt first.”
“It’s not like that—” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Heads up, Kolt,” he says, and I swear I’ve never heard him sound so bitter. “Daphne comes here sometimes to get guys to fall for her. Right? I mean, first Jake, sophomore year, and then me, with Junior Warriors, and now…”
“Now nothing,” Daphne snaps. “Stop giving me a guilt trip for letting myself lighten up for five freaking minutes.” She’s fired up, and part of me wants to grab some popcorn and watch this thing from the bleachers.
But then she turns the murder eyes on me. “And while we’re all here, you two need to bury the hatchet on whatever crap you’ve got going on and stop lying to each other and to me and especially to the police. None of that solves anything.”
“I never lied to the police!” I say. “I didn’t tell the police I left with Jake that night because…wait for it…I didn’t leave with Jake that night. Seth is the one who has information worth hiding.”
Daphne turns to Seth. “What information?”
He looks at me and shakes his head, but she deserves to know.
“Seth told Jake he hated him. Right before the game. Right outside the training room.”
Daphne’s face goes so white that I wonder what I’m missing. Did something happen in the training room before I got there?
“I’ve never lied to you, Daphne, and I never will. I saw what I saw.” Seth can barely look at her now, and I know I’m missing something. But then he clears his throat and keeps going. “Kolt and Jake left after midnight. It’s not my fault if he was too impaired to remember it.”
I step up in his pretty-ass face. “Impaired? Are you serious? Are you calling me a liar and a drunk in the same sentence? Because I’m a lot of things, but those aren’t on the list.”
Seth throws his hands up. “I’m just telling you what happened. Spin it however you want, but I’m going to trust what I see with my own eyes.”
“You see what you want to see, Seth. But
are you noticing the pattern here? ‘Jake’s missing? Blame it on Kolt!’ ‘Trouble with my girlfriend? Blame it on Kolt!’ Take responsibility for once in your freaking life.”
I’ve gone all Hulk and I don’t even realize it until we’ve switched places and it’s Daphne’s arms reaching around me from behind.
“We’re done here, Kolt,” she says softly right in my ear. “Take it easy. Let’s go. He’ll let us know when he’s ready to apologize.”
I stop struggling. She’s right. And he’s not worth it.
But also he’s lying. He has to be. And I can’t let him get away with it.
“The police are about to get some new information,” I say. “It’s not coming from me, but I can promise you this: they’re going to figure out what happened, and then they’re going to know who’s been telling the truth.”
Seth’s face goes blank. He steps away from us, back into the shadows. “I’m done here,” he says.
Daphne’s watching, wary. “Aren’t we going to go hang posters?”
“Go ahead,” he says. “It sounds like Kolt has enough info to break this thing wide open, whether I help or not.”
Daphne and I stand there in the half dark as he walks away. She takes the ball, dribbles it a couple of times. Picks at a corner of leather that’s coming up.
“Were you being serious about the police getting new information?” she asks.
I nod. I picture Jenna’s face, and there’s no doubt she’s got the guts to tell them what I haven’t.
“Is something finally going to happen?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “But it wouldn’t surprise me if Jake turns up by the end of the week. One way or another.”
He’s been sneaking to the parking lot to watch the construction crew all week. They’re remodeling the offices and bathrooms on the second floor of the pharmacy, and some loudmouth on the crew happened to mention which day they’d be painting. Sure enough, they left one small, high window open that night to let things air out. Must have figured nobody would even think to look for an open window when it’s this cold.
He climbs the fire escape and eases himself onto the ledge that runs below the windows. He still exercises constantly, so he’s got the strength and the trust in his body he needs to climb all the way to the open window without worrying too much about the brick courtyard below. It feels right that the game he’s given everything to is giving him this one small thing in return.
Fadeaway Page 12