I blinked back my tears. I swallowed the long-winded speech I was dying to spew in retaliation to her hurtful proclamation. And with a simple, “Okay,” I walked to my car.
Later that night I retold the whole story to a member of my family. With great emotion and lots of added commentary, I gave them the play-by-play. Finally, I paused long enough to catch my breath and fully expected them to jump right in with absolute support and an offer to rush to my defense.
Instead they said, “What else might she have meant by her statement? Is there any chance she didn’t intend to hurt you, but rather was just simply stating the fact that they had enough people participating and you didn’t have to feel the pressure to attend?”
I shot back, “Oh no, I’m telling you this was so much more than that.”
Right as I was about to unleash another dramatic retelling of the whole situation, they stopped me and said, “Just make sure you aren’t holding her accountable for words she never said. She didn’t say you weren’t wanted. She didn’t say you weren’t capable. She didn’t say others were thinking the same way as her. She simply said they didn’t need you there.”
After stewing for a while, I dared to consider what my family member had said. I called the gal and asked a few questions. And in the end, I realized there was absolutely no agenda behind her statement at all.
Rejection always wants to steal the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.
In fact, she thought she was doing me a favor by assuring me that I wasn’t needed so that I wouldn’t feel pressure to be gone from home during that very busy season.
This situation happened eight years ago, but I think about it often. It taught me three perspectives that I don’t want to forget:
1. When I’m tired or stressed, I’m likely to interpret interactions way more emotionally than I should. Therefore, I should wait to respond to others until I’ve had a chance to rest and de-stress. A depleted girl can quickly become a defeated girl when she lets emotions dictate her reactions.
That’s one of the reasons I love today’s key verse and the way it interrupts me: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19).
2. Believe the best before assuming the worst. Even if they didn’t have my best interest in mind, they probably didn’t have the worst intentions either. Regardless, being positive will keep me in a much better place.
3. Clarify. Clarify. Clarify. When in doubt, I should ask them to help me understand what they truly meant. And when I clarify, I must recognize and resist adding any additional commentary my past hurt might add to this situation.
Can you think of a time in your life when these perspectives might help? I certainly haven’t perfected making these perspectives the first thing I think of when I’m in an uncertain situation. But at least I do think of them. And that’s great progress, so feelings from yesterday’s hurts don’t take away from today’s relationships.
Dear Lord, I don’t want to allow hurts from my past or runaway emotions to steal from my present relationships. I surrender my heart to You today—asking for Your wisdom and healing touch. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
64
THERE’S A LADY AT THE GYM WHO HATES ME
The LORD your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.
—ZEPHANIAH 3:17 ESV
There’s a lady at my gym who hates me.
No, I’m serious. She sees me coming, and I can feel little poofs of disdain chugging out of her ears as her feet churn at eighty-seven miles per hour on the elliptical machine. I honestly don’t know how she goes so fast. I once tried to keep up with her.
It was awful.
And I think that was the day her infuriation with me began.
Let me back up and confess my sins that started this whole thing.
The elliptical machines are very close together and completely awkward with their angular moving parts. Think if a New York high-rise and an elephant had a baby; that would be these elliptical machines.
Now, conjure up a picture in your mind of the most athletic person you know. The one who doesn’t have a drop of fat on her entire body, not even at her belly button, which should be illegal in my cellulite-ridden opinion. Okay, do you have your person?
That’s her. She’s honestly stunningly beautiful.
Then picture a marshmallow dressed in a T-shirt and spandex pants. Her ponytail is rather tight, but not much else is. That’s me. Hello, world.
So, I had to sort of get in her space just a tad to mount my machine, and I think I threw off her rhythm. That was sin number one.
Then I decided to try to stay in sync with her because I wanted to teach all the folks at the gym that, though my legs and derrière might not look like it, I’m in shape. That was sin number two.
And then there may have been a little issue with me taking a phone call while working out. In my defense, this is not at all my common practice. But a friend called who really needed me.
Live from the abundant place where you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.
I tried to chat quietly, but when you feel like a lung might very well pop out of your mouth at any minute, it’s difficult to whisper-talk. Sin number three.
Three strikes, and she deemed me out. Out of my mind. Out of line. Out of control.
She abandoned her elliptical and huffed over to the treadmill. And I think she’s hated me ever since. But then the other day, something occurred. Something odd that stunned me.
She smiled at me.
It wasn’t an evil, I’m-about-to-whip-your-tail-on-the-gym-floor kind of smile. It was more like an, “Oh hey, I’ve seen you here before, right?” kind of smile.
And the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realized her hating me has all been a perception thing on my part.
Which got me thinking about all the many times I assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgments they never make. And I own a rejection from them they never gave me.
I know not every rejection is like this. Some are completely certified and undeniable.
But we have to know there are also perceived rejections, like I had with my fellow gym-goer.
I don’t even think I was really on her radar.
But in my mind, I was absolutely in her crosshairs. And so goes the crazy inside our heads sometimes.
Thankfully, the Lord reminds us in our key verse that He is able to “quiet” our crazy thoughts with His love.
It makes me remember something I saw an author friend of mine do several years ago when she was signing a book. Her approach was simple. Before signing her name she wrote, “Live loved.”
Not only an instruction, but a proclamation. One that arrests my soul and is so applicable to our discussion at hand.
Live from the abundant place where you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.
It’s not deciding in your mind, I deserve to be loved. Or manipulating your heart to feel loved.
It’s settling in your soul, I was created by a God who formed me because He so very much loved the very thought of me. When I was nothing, He saw something and declared it good. Very good. And very loved.
This should be the genesis thought of every new day.
I am loved.
Not because of how terrific I am. God doesn’t base His affection on my wilted efforts.
No, God’s love isn’t based on me.
It’s simply placed on me.
And it’s the place from which I should live . . . loved.
Dear Lord, I’m so grateful I don’t have to walk around all day trying to figure out who likes me and who doesn’t. I can simply rest
in the truth that I am completely and perfectly loved by You. Help me to live loved today. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
65
BECAUSE I AM LOVED
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
—PHILIPPIANS 2:3–4
A few years ago, my friend challenged me with this question: Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?
Her question is a great one.
Doing something “so that we’ll be loved” is a trap many of us can get caught in. When I do something because I’m trying to get someone else to notice me, appreciate me, say something to build me up or respect me more, my motives get skewed.
I forget the reminder in Philippians 2:3–4 to do nothing out of selfish ambition and to look to the interests of others. Instead, I become very “me” focused. I put unrealistic expectations on myself and the other person. And I can get so very hurt when I don’t feel more noticed, appreciated, or respected.
But, doing something because I am loved is incredibly freeing.
I don’t view the relationship from the vantage point of what I stand to gain. Instead, I look at what I have the opportunity to give. I am “God-focused” and love-directed. I keep my expectations in check. And I am able to lavish the grace I know I so desperately need. I live free from regret with clarity of heart, mind, and soul.
Are you doing this because you are loved or so that you’ll be loved?
So, how do I know if I’m doing things because I’m loved or so that I will be loved? See how easy or hard it is to apply these biblical truths:
Because I am loved, I can humble myself. When I’m trying to be loved, I must build myself up to look better.
Because I am loved, I can cast all my anxiety on Him. When I’m trying to be loved, I cast all my anxiety on my performance.
Because I am loved, I can resist Satan and stand firm in my faith. When I’m trying to be loved, I listen to Satan and stand uncertain trying to rely on my feelings.
Because I am loved, I know God will use this to make me stronger—and I want that. When I’m trying to be loved, I don’t want to be made stronger—I want life to be easier.
Yes, I want to pursue life, relationships, and the goals I set from a healthy and free vantage point—because I am loved.
These aren’t just good life principles, they’re God’s life principles.
Dear Lord, I don’t want my motives to get skewed today. Help me not be so “me-focused.” I want to live each day knowing I am loved. Living because I am loved is freeing. I long to stop trying so hard. I know You love me, Lord, and that You are making me stronger. Thank You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
66
ALONE IN A CROWDED ROOM
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”
—JOHN 13:34
I wished the small room would open up and swallow me whole. Just envelop me into an abyss that would simultaneously hide me and remove me.
It’s painful to be in a crowded room and feel all alone.
Everyone had someone. Their chatting and laughing lilted in a symphony of connection. I looked around, and there wasn’t a soul I recognized.
My brain demanded I just walk up and introduce myself to someone—anyone. But my heart sensed they were all knee-deep in conversations that would be super awkward for me to break into.
Isn’t it strange how you can literally rub shoulders with lots of people but feel utterly alone? Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.
On the surface, connectivity seems to require that I connect with other people, and they connect back with me. Of course that gathering was an extreme example of being alone in a crowded room, but that feeling isn’t sequestered to that one incident.
I can get it when things grow cold and too quiet with a family member. And deep down inside of me, I want to ask for forgiveness, but my pride is holding all my kind words hostage. So the silent treatment continues. And though we’re in the same house, we’re nowhere near connecting.
Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.
Or that feeling can happen when I’m with a group of women, and I can’t quite seem to break into the conversation. I mentally beat myself up for not being more brilliant, or caught up on the world’s current events and fashion trends. They all seem so effortlessly on top of everything.
In each of these situations I’m with people. But I’m so very alone.
And I secretly ponder how the events of that day clearly point out other people’s issues: their self-focus, their past problems, their insensitivity.
But the problem wasn’t the people at the party. The problem wasn’t my family or that group of women. It was me not being prepared in advance with a fullness that can only come from God.
It was as if I walked into each of these situations suddenly feeling like I wouldn’t be able to breathe unless someone else invited me in. The whole room was full of completely breathable air, but since I refused to take it in, I suffered.
I can’t expect any other person to be my soul oxygen. I can’t live as if my next breath depends on whether or not they give me enough air for my lungs not to be screaming in pain.
No, it’s not wrong to need people. But some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have for others, which they can’t ever possibly meet. That’s when the desire to connect becomes an unrealistic need.
Here’s the secret shift I’ve learned we must make:
Do I walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in me, free to look for ways to bless others?
Or . . .
Do I walk into situations empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless me?
People prepared with the fullness of God in them are not super-people with pixie-dust sparkles of confidence. No, the fullness of God is tucked into the sacred places within them. The full taking in of God is their soul oxygen. It’s not that they don’t need people. They do. God created them for community. But the way they love is from a full place, not from an empty desperation. They live loved.
And this is how I want to live too.
Being full of God’s love settles, empowers, and brings out the best of who we are.
Like I said before, when we live from the abundant place where we are loved, we won’t find ourselves begging others for scraps of love. We’ll be ready and able to walk into a room and live out Jesus’ command in John 13:34 to love one another—sharing the love we already know is ours.
Dear Lord, thank You so much for the way You love me—with a love that can never be shaken, taken, or tarnished. Help me look to You and You alone to fill and satisfy my heart. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
67
THREE THINGS YOU MUST REMEMBER WHEN REJECTED
The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.
—PSALM 34:19
I scooted into the restaurant booth beside my daughter Ashley. Her first-semester college grades had been posted for two days, but she’d refused to look at them. We decided to review them together at one of our favorite restaurants.
Together is a great way to press through something you’re afraid could make you feel a bit undone.
School hasn’t always been easy for Ashley. When she was in the eighth grade, her teachers requested a meeting. I was stunned to find out she was failing every class.
It wasn’t from her lack of effort. She simply wasn’t grasping the new curriculum her school had switched to that year. And their only suggestion was to have her go back and repeat seventh grade.
Immediately, I knew that would never work. I also think the school knew this wouldn’t work. So they offered to help us have her transferred to a different school.
It wasn’t intended as a rejection. But it sure felt l
ike one.
Yet slowly, little successes at her new school gave her enough confidence to believe it was possible to turn things around. And by the end of that year, she was on the dean’s list. By the time she got into high school, she was making great grades and even graduated with honors.
Satan knows what consumes us controls us.
Now in college, she’d chosen an academically rigorous major. She’d given it her all. But the exams all carried a lot of weight toward her overall grades, and she just wasn’t sure how she’d done. And though that eighth-grade rejection was very far from her at that point, the fear still lingered.
The Enemy loves to take our rejection and twist it into a raw, irrational fear that God really doesn’t have a good plan for us.
This fear is a corrupting companion. It replaces the truths we’ve trusted with hopeless lies. Satan knows what consumes us controls us. Therefore, the more consumed we are with rejection, the more he can control our emotions, our thinking, and our actions.
So what’s a brokenhearted person to do? We must take back control from something or someone that was never meant to have it and declare God as Lord. To help us see how we can practice this when the worries of rejection try to control us, here are three things to remember and proclaim.
1. One rejection is not a projection of future failures. It’s good to acknowledge the hurt, but don’t see it as a permanent hindrance. Move on from the source of the rejection, and don’t let it shut you down in that arena of life. It has already stolen enough from your present. Don’t let it reach into your future.
Replace the negative talk that will hinder you. Replace it with praises for God, who will deliver you.
2. There is usually some element of protection wrapped in every rejection. This is a hard one to process at the time of the rejection. But for many of my past rejections, I can look back and see how God was allowing things to unfold the way they did for my protection.
In His mercy, He allowed this.
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