by Ash, Nikki
Jay tells me I don’t have to introduce myself if I don’t want to, but I do. I need to take this shit seriously. This isn’t just my future at stake if I don’t, it’s also Bella’s and Micaela’s. When the gentleman at the front asks if there’s anyone new joining who would like to introduce themselves, I stand.
“My name is Marco and I’m a recovering addict,” I start. Everyone says hi, then I continue. “I was in an accident with my best friend. He was left in a coma and I was left injured and in pain. I need to be well to work and the pain got to be too much. I turned to drugs… to pills and eventually coke and heroine to numb the pain. My biological mom was a drug addict who overdosed, and I don’t want to end up like her.” I sit and the gentleman thanks me, and the meeting continues.
A few people go up to receive their different color key tags to celebrate their different lengths of staying clean. My name is called last and I go up to receive a white key tag. Engraved on it is Welcome. I thank the gentleman, who I learned is named Brad, and have a seat until the meeting ends.
Once I say goodbye to a couple of people who introduced themselves to me after the meeting concluded, and speak with Jay, I head out to meet my parents for dinner. We spend the time together discussing Bella, my meeting and sponsor, Micaela, and how Mackenzie and Chloe are doing through all this. I make a note to call them both to speak to them about all of this. They’re both Micaela’s aunts.
After dinner, my parents call it a night. It’s around nine o’clock when my phone rings, an unknown number popping up on the caller ID.
“Hello.”
“Umm… hey… it’s Bella. I wasn’t sure if this was still your number, but I figured I would try.” She’s rambling nervously and it pulls at my heart strings. There was a time when Bella wouldn’t have been nervous to call me. God how I’ve missed this girl. Missed our friendship. “Anyway, I just wanted to thank you—”
“Thank me?” I cut in.
“For giving Micaela your blood. If you wouldn’t have, we would have had to wait. I know her anemia wasn’t life threatening but still…”
“Belles.” I sigh. “You don’t have to thank me. She’s my daughter too. And even if she wasn’t, she’s yours. I would do anything for her. I’m just glad I was sober and didn’t have any drugs in my system so I could donate. If this were three months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to.” And fuck if that isn’t a shock to my gut, just another reminder what’s at stake by me staying clean.
There’s a pregnant pause and then Bella says, “So you went to rehab.” I think it’s meant to be a question but it comes out as more of a thought.
“I did. I’m ninety-two days sober. I got out yesterday actually. I was planning to come by to talk to you, but then everything happened before I could.”
“I’m glad you got help, Marco.” I can hear the raw emotion in her words and it guts me.
“When I found out the baby was mine, I called my dad.”
“Wait, when you found out—” There’s a loud wail and the phone gets all muffled. “Hey, Marco, I have to go. Micaela is up and needs to be fed. I sent my parents back to their hotel because they were beyond exhausted and my dad has to head back tomorrow with my brother and sister.”
“You’re there by yourself?” I don’t know much about babies, but I can’t imagine just having been sliced open would make it easy to care for a newborn.
“Yeah, the nurses come around.” The baby’s cries get louder. “I gotta go, but I just wanted to say thank you.”
Before I can respond, the line goes dead. I throw on a pair of basketball shorts, a T-shirt, and slip on a pair of slides, grabbing my keys and cell phone. I find a piece of paper to leave a note on the counter, letting my parents know I went to the hospital, in case they wake up and I’m not back yet. Locking the door behind me, I head to the hospital.
As I’m hurrying down the hall, I spot a gift shop and take a detour inside. I noticed when I visited before, all the flowers and balloons filling up her room.
“Can I get a dozen of these balloons blown up?” I ask the lady at the counter.
“Sure.”
Then a thought comes to mind. “Wait! Do you have a permanent marker I can use?” She looks at me confused but hands it to me.
After writing what I need to on each of the balloons, I hand the marker and balloons to her. While she’s filling them up, I spot Bella’s favorite candy on the display rack near the register.
“These too, please.”
Once she’s done blowing up the balloons and ringing me up, I make my way to the Labor and Delivery ward, to the recovery wing. Because I’m the father, they let me through after I show them my identification. I open the door slowly in case Bella and Micaela are asleep, but when I walk in, the scene in front of me nearly takes my breath away. Bella is talking softly to Micaela. She’s holding her close and smiling at her daughter like she hung the moon and if it’s not the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. Without her knowing, I pull out my phone and snap a picture to capture the moment. Only I don’t realize my phone is on loud, so when the picture snaps, it makes a shutter sound.
“What are you doing here?” Bella looks up in surprise.
I walk inside, the balloons bobbing everywhere—getting stuck in the doorway—and Bella gives me a what the fuck look. After finally getting all the balloons into the room, I place them next to her bed. When they float to the ceiling we both look up.
“I probably should have tied those to something, huh?”
Bella just giggles.
“What do they say?” She tries to read the writing on the balloons, so I grab one and bring it down.
“It’s not a boy?” she questions.
“Yeah, because I know you hate pink and they didn’t have any blue ‘It’s a girl’ balloons.”
She cracks up laughing and fuck if I haven’t missed that sound.
“Umm… you know you could have just crossed out the word boy and wrote girl, right?”
I look up at the balloon. “Well, shit. I guess that would’ve made more sense.” I shrug and she laughs some more.
“Well, I love them. All of them.”
“Yeah, I got a dozen. Figured it would help even out all the pink. It looks like Barbie’s dream prom up in here.”
“Ha! Apparently having a girl means dressing her in all pink. I tried to buy a green onesie once and my mom thought I was crazy and made me put it back.”
“And I would bet my life, you went back and bought it.”
“Hell yes, I did!”
A memory pops into my head and I laugh.
“What?”
“I was just remembering that time you grew out of your MMA gi and your mom ordered you a new one.”
“Oh my God! It was magenta! Like, who the hell wears a magenta freaking gi?”
“You did! Until you threw it in the washer with bleach.”
“I was hoping to turn it white! My mom said the bleach turned clothes white! How was I supposed to know she didn’t mean literally?”
We laugh.
“I also brought you these.” I hand her the bag filled with white KitKats.
“Oh, yum! My favorite.” She opens one up, taking a bite.
“Yeah, I was shocked to see them at the register because everybody knows white chocolate is gross.”
“It is not. They’re the best! Better than the milk chocolate.”
“I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Candy bars are meant to be made of chocolate. That white shit is like eating fake chocolate.”
“And I will say it once again, we will just have to agree to disagree because white chocolate is the best chocolate.”
We sit there in silence for a few minutes, neither of us knowing what to say next. I breathe a sigh of relief when Bella says something.
“Did you come all this way just to bring me balloons and candy?”
“I’m here to help.” I grab a seat and pull it up to her bed then lean o
ver to take a look at our daughter. Her eyes are just barely open.
“She just finished eating so she’s going to pass out soon. Want to hand me a diaper and wipes so I can change her?”
“I can do it if you want.” I put my hands out to take her but quickly pull them back in. “If that’s okay.”
“Of course, it is. Do you know how? I can walk you through it.”
I put my hands out and Bella hands me my daughter for the first time. I gently cradle her head and hold her tight. For a minute I don’t move, I just look at this precious little miracle that I can’t even remember creating.
Without realizing I’m doing it, I sniffle back the tears that are trying to seep out and Bella puts her hand on my arm. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“God, Belles, I don’t even remember making her. I’m such a piece of shit.”
“No, you aren’t. You were on drugs. I just didn’t realize it.”
“That’s not a damn excuse.” I shake my head and look down at our baby. “She’s so tiny. I remember when my mom brought Chloe home, and then when Hayley brought Mackenzie home. I didn’t think it was possible to love a baby any more than I loved them, but looking at my daughter, my heart feels like it’s going to explode, and because I chose to turn to drugs, I almost never met her.”
I glance up at Bella. “Thank you for not aborting her. I can’t even imagine how scared you were and then I said all that shit, and I wouldn’t have blamed you if you would have had an abortion.”
I raise Micaela up to my nose and sniff her. She has that baby scent newborns have. Chloe and Mackenzie both smelled the same way.
I stand and head over to the changing table to change her diaper. “I used to change all of Chloe’s diapers. My mom—when she came home from the hospital—sunk right into depression. Chloe’s dad had been killed in a drive-by shooting, and my mom, she just couldn’t handle it. She would smoke and drink all the time and I would take care of Chloe. I hated when I would have to go to school and Chloe would be left alone with my mom. Or when I would go to the gym, I would feel so guilty, but I was so young and I needed to get away sometimes. The best day of my life was the day Caleb saved us.”
I button Micaela’s onesie bottom back up then rock her softly until her eyes flutter closed and she’s asleep. Wrapping her up gently in a blanket, I lay her down in her bassinet before I go back to sit next to Bella. Grabbing her hand, I thread our fingers, needing the connection to ask the question I’ve been dreading. Bella flinches at my touch and I hate what’s become of us. What I’ve done to us.
“I need to know… the night we made her”—I take a deep breath—“was I mean or rough with you?” I take another deep breath. “What I mean is, the night we…” I can’t even finish. Bella’s mouth opens to answer when the door closes shut. We both look at it, waiting to see if someone’s coming in, but nobody is there.
“You weren’t mean or rough.” She looks anywhere but at me, a sign she’s lying.
“Belles, you can’t sugar coat it. One of the things my counselor said at my sessions in rehab is that I have to face and deal with everything I did while on drugs.”
“You weren’t mean or rough. You just weren’t you. I should have known something was wrong with you. You said you missed me and needed me, but it wasn’t like the night we were together in the cabin. You just got straight to it and then passed out.”
“Fuck.” I release her hand, resting my elbows on my knees. My hands scrub the sides of my face. “I’m so sorry. Did I force you?”
“No! No, we both wanted it. You reached for a condom and I thought you put it on. It was dark and I couldn’t see. It wasn’t until afterward I realized you… well you know.” She shrugs shyly.
“I came in you.” Bella’s face and neck turn pink when I say that and I can’t help but chuckle. She looks so adorable embarrassed.
“Yeah.” She sighs then laughs.
“How did you know I came in you?” I ask just to fuck with her. Her face turns an even darker shade of pink and she grabs a pillow, lightly smacking me with it.
“Shut up, Marco!”
“Okay, okay.” I give her back her pillow. The nurse comes in and checks on Bella and Micaela and then another lady comes in.
“Bella, I’m about to leave for the night and was just wondering if you’ve filled out the paperwork yet. If all goes well you’ll be discharged tomorrow.”
Bella looks at her sheepishly. “I’m sorry, I haven’t. I promise I will tonight.”
“Okay, dear. I’ll come back tomorrow morning to collect them.”
“Thank you.”
When the lady leaves, I ask, “What was that about?”
“I have to fill out the paperwork for Micaela. For her birth certificate, social security number, and insurance. I should have filled them out earlier, but I forgot with everything going on.”
“Does she have insurance?” I didn’t even think about how much a hospital stay for a baby must cost.
“Because I’m in school, I’m on my dad’s insurance so I’m covered, but Micaela’s hospital stay isn’t. I have to fill out the paperwork for her to get insurance.”
“Okay, we’ll handle it.” She looks at me skeptically. “Belles, she’s my responsibility as much as she is yours. Please let me help.”
Bella averts her gaze and I know she’s keeping something from me, but I’m not going to push it tonight.
“How about I help you fill out those forms and then you can get some sleep?”
“The baby might wake up.”
“Have you been awake the entire time since she was born?”
“No, I slept a few hours. My mom stayed awake. That’s why I sent them to the hotel. She was exhausted.”
“Then you’ll sleep and I’ll keep an eye on her, but Bella, you know it’s okay to sleep, right? The baby’s cries will wake you.”
“I know. I’m just not ready yet.” I hold back my laughter. She’s already a hundred times better of a mom than my biological mom was.
I grab the papers and ask her each question, writing down the answers she tells me. When we get to the birth certificate form, I know this is going to be a tough one.
“Name.”
“Micaela.”
I look up and she gives me a look of uncertainty. “Yes, but you need a middle and last name. Well, I guess just the last name. I don’t have a middle name.”
“I was thinking Micaela Lizbeth after my mom. But if you want to maybe name her after your mom…”
“Fuck no, your mom is amazing. Micaela Lizbeth is great. Now we just need a last name.”
Bella doesn’t say anything for a minute, so I decide to let her off the hook, tell her the baby should have her last name, but before I can, she surprises me by saying, “Michaels.”
“Look, Bella…” I start to give her an out. Twenty-four hours ago, she didn’t even plan on me being in the baby’s life, let alone giving her my last name.
“You’re her father. Unless, I mean…” she backtracks. “I guess we haven’t discussed anything really… I don’t know if you’re planning to be in her life or to what extent.”
“Bella, stop,” I say gently. “I’m in her life as much as you’ll let me. I know this is all a shock, but I want to be her father. I know we have a lot to figure out, but I want to be her dad.”
“Are you sure? Because you said your blood was tainted. I don’t believe that or agree, but Marco, I can’t have you calling yourself her dad then walking away from her down the line.”
“I would never ask to be a part of her life and then walk away. Yes, I was afraid of ending up like my biological parents. But one thing I’ve learned in rehab is that we pave our own paths. I didn’t turn to drugs because my mom did them. I turned to them by choice. My father was a piece-of-shit drug dealer who used women, but I am not going to be like him. I have a sponsor and I went to my first meeting today. I’m not saying shit will be perfect, but I’m not going to do drugs again.”
“Okay, then I want her to have your last name. Micaela Lizbeth Michaels.”
After we finish filling out the paperwork, Micaela wakes up to eat again, and once she’s done, she passes right back out. I convince Bella to fall asleep as well and then I spend the night watching them sleep—and thank God for this second chance.
Chapter Twenty-One
Bella
I wake up and look over to see Marco passed out in the chair. The entire night he was helpful. Every time Micaela would wake up, he would hand her to me and then change her diaper before laying her back down. Surprisingly, I slept well between feedings and feel refreshed. Well, as refreshed as a new mother can feel, anyway. I, at least feel less exhausted than yesterday.
Micaela is still asleep, so I grab my phone from the nightstand to text Tristan since I haven’t heard from him, but when I look up, he’s standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” I say, putting my phone back. “How long have you been here?”
Tristan steps in closer and I notice he has black circles under his eyes. His hair is a bit disheveled, and if I’m not mistaken, he’s wearing the same clothes from yesterday.
“Just a few minutes. We need to talk.” He walks closer to the bed.
“Okay.” I’m not sure what Tristan is going to say but I know whatever’s coming my way, I deserve. I put him in a shitty situation. Even though I was always upfront about not wanting to be a couple, he was still one hundred percent committed to being Micaela’s father.
“I know there’s nothing between us and I finally accept that, and while I’m pissed you kept her paternity from me, I want you to come home. I want you to raise her in our apartment. I don’t trust Marco. He just got out of rehab. What if he relapses?”
After my parents left, I weighed all my options and came to a decision. “I’m moving back home.”
“Good.” He nods.
“No, I don’t think you understand. I’m moving back home… to Las Vegas. My parents are going to help me raise Micaela. I want to finish school. I didn’t understand how important it was until I had her. I need to make sure I can provide for her. I want to train as well. I can’t move back in with you. It’s not fair to you.”