“Oh, Jack’s going night night!” I grinned.
Tiffany finished trimming the buds and packed all eight pounds of flower in one big bag. She then pulled a drawer out of the bottom of the trimmer and emptied the trim and shake that had come off of the buds in a gallon zip-lock bag.
“I promised some trim and shake to Katsu.” she explained. “She’s going to make butter, and then cookies, for people for Yule.”
Solstice! I thought. I almost forgot!
“Ready to rock?” she asked me, breaking me out of my daze.
“Lead the way.”
* * *
I think we hot-boxed the sitting area of our suite! I thought disbelievingly. Ten-foot ceilings, open flu in the fireplace and everything.
There certainly was a haze in the air. Tiffany had rolled massive blunts for everyone, and even Trevor indulged.
“This has the makings of an epic story,” he had said, “and I don’t want to pass out drunk too early!”
He had tried to pace himself. We all did. We all failed.
“Great Lilith's orgasms, I’m hungry!” Evelyn said, digging into a chocolate silk pie that had been delivered on a dessert cart earlier. Being too lazy to get a plate, she started eating right out of the pie pan.
“Munchies are a myth.” Tiffany said, taking a puff off of a foot-long blunt. “Yes, if you’re hungry already then weed will bring that out. But if you’re satisfied when you smoke, it won’t really make you that hungry. It’s more of an excuse… you see a pan of brownies anytime, and it’s tempting to eat half of the pan if you love brownies. When we’re not high we don’t let ourselves eat half of the pan for various reasons. When we’re high, we use munchies as an excuse to do what we wanted to do anyway.”
“Fuck you, it’s munchies.” Evelyn said, taking another bite.
“Wait a minute." Jack said, about to hit a six-foot bong lit by Katsu. "What about those medical cannabis patients who use weed to stimulate appetite?"
“Most of those are people with severe nausea from things like chemotherapy or other medication side effects.” Tiffany replied. “Cannabis takes care of the nausea, which allows someone’s natural hunger to come through. It just removes obstacles and intensifies the hunger already there… it doesn’t create it.”
“I smoked some demon-cultivated weed once." Trevor added. "Gave me a four-hour erection!"
“That’s just because you thought you were taking a darvocet you found on the table, only it was a Viagra!” Evelyn cut in.
“Yeah, but the weed made taking care of it way more fun!” Trevor said, smiling.
Jack filled half of the bong with smoke before signaling to Katsu to pull the slider. He sucked the entire hit in, held it for a moment, and exhaled.
“Oh my!” He said in his best Sulu, and slowly floated down to the floor. “I think fifteen is my limit!”
“My turn!" Katsu said, and took her place at the mouth of the six-foot tube. "Light it!"
Jack touched the lighter to the fresh cannabis he had just loaded, and Katsu took several breaths, filling the six-foot tube completely with smoke. She gave the thumbs-up sign, and Jack lifter the slider, releasing the smoke.
Katsu sucked all six feet of smoke into her lungs, held it, and exhaled it slowly into the room.
Her exhale took almost thirty seconds! I thought, shocked.
“Again." she said. Jack just shrugged and refilled the bowl.
Seventeen massive bong-loads later, and the air was definitely thick and more opaque than ever.
“She can out-smoke me.” Jack said blissfully, and Katsu bent over to kiss him.
“Want to make me melt more than the weed?” she asked him, a wicked grin on her face.
“Can you float me into the bedroom?” he asked with a stoned grin.
Katsu waved her hands, and Jack floated up off of the floor and into the bedroom. Jack gave a little wave as she followed him and closed the door.
“That Witch can smoke!” Tiffany said, respect in her voice.
I looked at my own blunt, six inches burned. “Becoming the Sorceress has upped my tolerance.” I observed.
“Are you sure it’s not living in Casa Doobie, with the endless supply?” Evelyn asked. “Jack may top out your guy’s weed usage, but none of you are slouches.”
“Vincent and Angelique have a bit of a… reputation among vampires for their shade habits.” Trevor chimed in. “So it’s natural that they enable the most pot-soaked household in existence.”
“It IS a lot.” Gaia agreed.
“Look,” I said, “a year and a half ago, I was a young lady on the cusp of my senior year and adulthood. Then I get a boyfriend… great, right? Then I get a legendary magickal mantle dropped on my shoulders out of nowhere, a budding love triangle stretching back ten thousand years, and unknown powerful actors trying to kill me.” I re-lit my six remaining inches of blunt. “I don’t care if I’m the first person to OD on THC, I’m grateful for the cushioning that the cannabis has given me! If I could never relax, I would have exploded by now!”
“I’ll have to send twenty pounds back with you guys when you go.” Tiffany said, grinning.
Then an idea hit me. I wonder…
"Hey Tiffany," I said, "You'll have to come by for a visit someday. Maybe help us set up a grow room?"
“That would rock!” She said, exhaling a long stream of smoke. “I so need to get out of this mountain. I’m lucky if I get to see the sun once a month!”
“Wouldn’t you miss your Uncle?” I asked.
“Ah, he’ll be okay.” she said with a wave. “Besides, he travels all of the time… I’d probably only see him a little less than I do now.”
“Show me how to run the hydroponics, and I’ll tend your babies.” Gaia said. “My skin color isn’t just a pigment, it’s a vocation. I do wonderfully with plants!”
“Fae weed is legendary.” Evelyn said. “Gaia will probably help your yield and your THC level!”
“I wonder if I can make a cannabis beer?” Trevor mused.
“It’s not hard.” Tiffany said with a shrug.
“I like her.” Trevor said, pointing.
The rest of us laughed.
* * *
The next morning brought yet another ridiculous meal… that time it was quail eggs and caviar on brioche toast… and there was a lot of joking around the mess hall about ‘living like the one percent’ in between morning calisthenics and the shooting range. I sat with my friends at Jexo’s table again, sitting to his right.
“I take it your stay here has been comfortable.” Jexo said, spooning more caviar onto his already loaded toast.
“It’s been lovely.” I assured him. “Your niece has gone above and beyond to fulfill our every need.”
“She’s excellent at everything she does.” he said.
I looked over at Tiffany, and she was beaming.
“I know.” I said. “That’s why I’d like for her to come back to Ohio with us.”
Everyone near us stopped eating, and Tiffany’s face shifted from pride to shock in an instant.
Jexo looked at me, his face unreadable. “You want her to join your team?” he asked, voice trembling somewhat.
I have a feeling I thought, that if the big guy is this close to showing emotion, I may have bitten off more than I could chew here.
I had come up with the idea while Tiffany and I were exploring the day before. She was smart, capable, and had skills that many of us lacked. She also fit in well with the small crew we had with us, and I didn’t doubt for a moment that she’d jibe just as well with the whole.
Besides, her being around just felt right.
“I’m a new Sorceress,” I said, “and I’m still coming into my power. I’m facing an unknown, powerful enemy, and I need to surround myself with the best. Sargent Collins is the best. She’s also become my friend.”
Jexo looked straight ahead. “I have heard stories about the court of the Sorceress, about the legendary figures who c
ame to be known for what they had done on behalf.” He turned to face me again, a tear in his eye. “You are blessing my family with an unimaginable honor.”
Woah. I looked at Tiffany, and she mouthed “thank you”.
* * *
Gauntlets of Criscoula the Incredibly Tall I read from the side of a wooden box. “These sound interesting.” I said.
Tiffany typed the item number into her tablet and took a look. “Gauntlets of Criscoula… “ she said, “… Okay, here. Hmmmm.”
“What?” I asked.
“Seems that they give the wearer a ten percent greater chance of hiding without being found.” she replied. “Kinda boring, actually.”
“And how tall was Criscoula?” I asked, next, though I suspected what the answer would be.
“Says here he was just over five feet.” Tiffany read next.
“Typical.” I walked along the aisle and studied everything on the shelf that was eye-level for me. Let’s find something good.
We had come to one of the category four warehouses to look over Jexo’s collection of mystical artifacts. Thus far I had found objects that would let you jump three spaces in any line without penalty, grow a particular variety of tomato, or add six inches to your apparent, but not actual, height. I had not only not found anything good against rampaging hellephants or mysterious lakes, I had yet to find anything useful.
"Gee,” I continued, “this is beyond imagination!”
“Really?” Tiffany said, doubt in her voice.
“Yeah.” I replied, grinning. “I never imagined that someone’s stash of mystical objects could be so boring and useless.”
Tiffany shrugged. “Most mystical objects are incredibly specific, and most were created to meet a particular need at a particular time. The only reason they appear useless to us is because we don’t have that need.”
“Like the ‘ring of Bingham’, which lets you look down women’s shirts without detection?”
“If you’re lonely and horny enough...”
“Point taken.”
I walked a little farther, not finding anything I even wanted to take out of the box and look at. Jexo would probably wet his pants over Vincent’s collection! I thought.
“The most powerful stuff is on the top two rows, like I told you yesterday.” Tiffany reminded me. “Items on the lower shelves are less dangerous, and thus less guarded.”
“What’s up there?” I asked, looking up at the crates obscured behind the orange Fae force field.
“Let’s see… “ Tiffany said, scrolling. “Ah! Okay… there’s the soul sword, it pulls your soul out of your body if it so much as nicks you, so every wound is instantly fatal.”
“Ugh!” I said, wincing.
“And then there’s the Portal of Elradu,” she continued, “opens a gate to unknown realms.”
“That sounds less scary.” I said.
“Depends on the realm.” Tiffany scrolled farther. “Eve’s Medallion… hmm, that’s strange.”
“What?” I walked closer to her.
“It says that the item description is for level thirty-nine clearance and above.” she said, brow furrowed.
“So it’s above your clearance level?” I said, still confused.
“It’s above everyone’s clearance level.” she replied. “My uncle owns the place, and he’s only got a level thirty.”
“What the… “
Our confusion was cut short by the sound of an alarm going off. Tiffany dropped the tablet, pulling out her sidearm.
“Perimeter breach!” Tiffany called out. “Get behind me!”
I did as she said and we quickly made our way over to the scaffolding by the next row, shielding our backs.
“I’ll cast a shield around us!” I said, readying my hands.
“Put it around yourself, I'm covered." Tiffany said, and she slapped a point on her shoulder with her free hand. I watched in amazement as black cloth flowed out from several places on her uniform until it was wrapped skin-tight around her. "Ultra-thin but solid Kevlar… one of my Uncle's inventions."
“Nice.” I grinned, and threw up a shield around us drawn from the energy of the earth around us.
A door at the other end of the room blew open, and a squad of men in black fatigues poured in, sweeping the room through the sights of their AK-47s.
“Down!” Tiffany pushed me down, and we were obscured by the lift station for the scaffold. She looked at the invaders. “Paramilitary?” she mused quietly. “Who in their right minds would attack one of Uncle Jex’s compounds?”
A shot rang out and glanced off of the shelves we were hiding by. “They’ve seen us.” I said, and aimed a streak of fire towards the advancing troops. It exploded in their midst, sending several commandos flying.
Tiffany took advantage of the distraction and shot three commandos in a row, their eyes exploding on contact and their lifeless bodies falling towards the floor.
“They’re armored head to toe.” she said. “Their eyes are the only place to get a kill shot.”
“I’m more of a ‘make a big boom that might incapacitate you but you’ll probably live through’ kind of gal, especially with humans.” I answered nervously.
“Anyone who attacks my Uncle’s compound, especially the one my Uncle lives at,” she said, “is a serious customer. The kind that won’t pontificate on their ‘evil’ plans long enough for you to figure out a way to escape… they’ll just shoot you in the head and walk away.”
“True.” I said, and then let a volley of bone shards fly that lodged themselves in the eyes of a half dozen more commandos.
“Good shot!” Tiffany said, and returned fire herself.
Another squad of black-clad commands poured through the door, and it soon seemed that they were replacing every one we took out with a dozen more. We would soon be overwhelmed.
“Hey, maybe we should get out of here.” I said, slinging out a few more fire-bolts.
“I thought that,” Tiffany said as she reloaded, “but both entryways are blocked, and the elevator’s been shut down.”
“How do you know that?” I asked, pelting our assailants with rocks.
“Elevators shut down when the alarm goes off.” she explained. “To keep intruders from moving around easily.”
“Understandable, if annoying.” I commented. “Any other way for us to get out?”
“Still thinking about that one.” she said, shooting down three more commandos.
I closed my eyes and thought about the shelves. Give me something useful! I projected.
I put both hands out, and a heavy object settled in them. I looked, and my jaw dropped when I say the label.
Portal of Elradu? Okay, if you insist…
I pulled the top of the box off and looked inside. There was a coin, abut the size of a quarter, in the bottom. A piece of paper with the word “bugheroff” written on it was the only other thing there.
I picked up the coin and shrugged. "Bugheroff!" I cried and threw the coin on the ground.
A frame appeared, seeming to grow out of the warehouse floor. Once it was big enough, the portal opened and we could only see a room made of shadows beyond.
“After you.” I said.
“No, you.” she replied. “I’ll cover your retreat.”
I nodded and dove through the door.
I found myself in a dark, shadowy landscape. I looked around, squeezing my eyes to try and adjust to the dark. The sounds of battle faded behind me, and Tiffany was soon by my side.
“I closed the portal.” she said, handing me the coin.
“Good.” I replied. “Where are we?”
“I have no clue.” She scanned the area, her pistol at the ready.
I looked at the almost-black earth and rocks around us, as well as the barren trees that stood on all sides of us.
“Let's see what happens if we do this again." I said and tossed the coin at the ground. "Bugheroff!"
The portal rose from the ground yet again, a peace
ful sunny field laying beyond.
Wherever that is, it looks nicer than here! I thought, and stepped through. Tiffany moved with me.
Once on the other side, Tiffany closed the gate by picking up the coin and zipped it up in a pocket on her uniform. I took in the scene around us to get my bearings.
We were in a field, the tall grass brown and dead from the chill in the air. While the sun was shining, a line of clouds nearby sent fat snowflakes floating towards the ground.
“It’s acquiring a signal Tiffany said, holding her cell phone up. She held her sidearm down, but didn’t put it away just yet.
“We’re in the northern hemisphere.” I said, looking around. “Europe, by the looks of it.”
I spied snow-capped mountains in the distance. Northern Europe, actually.
“Finland.” Tiffany announced. “Near Säräisniemi.”
I scanned the edge of the clearing we stood in. Forest covered every foot of the perimeter. “Which way?”
“I’m getting a text in from my Father.” she replied, staring intently at her phone. “He’s notified Angelique and Vincent about our situation and location, and Vincent’s given him coordinates to pass on to us.”
I was surprised. “He knows where we’re at already?”
“He tracks the GPS on my phone whenever I leave the compound, especially for an emergency evac.” She hit a few buttons on her screen. “That way.” she said, facing east.
“Lead on.” I said, gesturing.
We walked into the treeline and through the woods. After a mile of nothing more menacing than the occasional icy patch, Tiffany finally holstered her sidearm.
“Keep it handy in case we run into any feral death metal bands.” I said, winking. “I hear that there are a couple who came out here to shoot promotional photos that never came back.”
“Why do you think I avoided all of those Finnish park ranger jobs?” Tiffany grinned. “I didn’t want to spend half of my life rescuing teenage boys with bad Kiss fetishes.”
“Where are we going, anyway?” I asked, stepping over a fallen branch.
“My Uncle said that it’s an ally of Angelique and Vincent’s.” she replied. “Some guy named Seamus.”
The Witch: Book Two of The Sorceress Saga Page 28