“Hello?” I ask.
There’s a line of colorful printed clothes and bedsheets extending from one tree to another as the clothes dry over the fire. A woman with a mane of wild brown hair peeks out from behind one of the tie-dye sheets. A tanned and wrinkled face cracks into a smile.
“Is that my Jemma?”
“Hi, Mom.”
My mom, Nora, rushes over and hugs me.
“Oh, Jem! It’s been too long!” She squishes my face against her chest.
“How are you?” I ask.
She releases me, allowing me to breathe again.
“Carlos and I are great!” Looking behind her at a spot near the RV, she points at her much younger boyfriend. He’s butt-naked, washing himself with a rag and a bucket of water.
“Oh god.” I look away too late.
“Hi, Jemma!” He calls out, waving at me.
“Hi, Carlos,” I say much less enthusiastically as I keep my eyes on the ground.
Nora pulls back and looks at my face. “You look troubled. Are you troubled?”
“I’m…” For lack of a better word, I nod. “Yes, I’m troubled.”
“Sit down, honey. I was just about to make some chakra-aligning tea using some goji berry leaves I grew myself. I’ll make some for you.”
She gets to work boiling a pot of water over the crackling fire. As I sit on one of the damp logs, I stare at the flames which pull me into a trance.
“Now, tell me everything.” She sits on the log next to me.
“Mom…” My throat feels tight as I speak. “Did you ever regret marrying Dad?” I look up into her keen eyes.
“Oh, heavens no! If I hadn’t married him, I wouldn’t have had you!”
“Okay, but without using a super clichéd answer.”
She gives me a wry smile. “Okay, then. I don’t regret marrying him because I loved him at the time. And I still love him, just in a different way. And that’s okay.”
“So, if you went back in time, you wouldn’t avoid marrying him?”
“Well, that’s a silly question since I would never be in that position to begin with! But no, I would marry him just the same.”
I furrow my brow. “Why?”
“Because it’s so rare to meet someone that makes your skin tingle and your hair stand straight on end. And having someone to love and support you—and someone you can love and support back—is the most magical thing you can experience.”
I stare at her with awe. “Would you ever marry again?”
“I have!”
“What?” My voice is so loud that several critters nearby take off into the bushes. “When did this happen?”
“Oh, about… a hundred moons ago. Carlos and I were married right here in the woods, officiated by our friend Vikram.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “Like… legally?”
“If you count the presence of the full moon and the goddess Hera looking down on us from her throne in the stars as legal, then yes.”
“So… no.”
Nora laughs. “It was real to Carlos and me, and that’s all that matters. Commitment is important, you know? And we needed to hear each other say it out loud for all the birds and bees to hear.”
“And what about me?”
“I was getting around to telling you,” she says. “But you were so busy with work. And you know better than anybody that when the moon and Venus are paired perfectly in the sky and everything is just right… well, you can’t put that off! It was done in the heat of the moment.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “I don't believe this.”
“Well, you don’t have to believe it to make it true.”
I chuckle to myself thinking about what Jack’s reaction would be to the news about my mom getting married in the woods by a guy named Vikram. He would find this hilarious. I think about texting him but the memory of last night’s fight comes flooding back and my smile quickly disappears.
Nora reaches over and squeezes my cheek. “Oh, my sweet little girl. You really need to take life less seriously and live in the moment.”
I sigh. “Yeah, well… I saw what that did to you and Dad. You ended up divorced and he ended up in jail. It wasn’t easy growing up with that, you know.”
“But we had fun, didn’t we?” Her eyes wrinkle as she smiles. “We lived a passionate life and it’s all because we took risks. We didn’t know what was going to happen. We didn’t know we’d get divorced or that he’d end up in jail. Life is full of risks, you’ll never avoid them.”
I know she’s right. I can’t be afraid of being dumped again. I can’t be afraid of entering a relationship that might lose its spark as the years go on. After all, some relationships last to the very end. Just like Jack’s mom—Sylvie—and her husband, Henri. She still loves him even though he died over twenty years ago.
“And no matter what,” Nora continues, “your dad and I will always have those memories together.”
Tears start to form in my eyes and pour down my cheeks before I can hide them from her.
“Gosh, we really did a number on you, didn’t we?” She strokes my hair.
Turning away, I stare at the fire.
“Look at me, honey,” she says.
I look into my mom’s eyes.
“Whatever it is that’s bugging you, I want you to follow your heart.”
She pauses dramatically and I pause with her as if we’re both listening to my heart. Instead, all I hear are the early morning sounds of buzzing crickets, scurrying squirrels, and the crackling fire. Adding to the cacophony, the teapot on the fire starts to whistle.
“And there’s nothing that a little cup of goji berry tea won’t fix.” She gets up and dances over to the fire to set up the teacups.
Lost in thought, I watch as she sings and dances while pouring out two cups of tea. I smile as I watch her.
“There’s a smile!” She says as she looks at me.
“That’s exactly how you made this for me when I was sick,” I say as she hands me my cup. “Singing and everything.”
“A singing spirit is a happy spirit.” She wrinkles her nose as she smiles. Reaching over, she affectionately pushes the hair out of my teary face. “How did you get to be so stressed out?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “A stressed-out yoga teacher. It almost sounds like the punch line to a joke.”
She laughs. “At least you still have your sense of humor.”
I watch her for a moment, long enough for my eyes to lose focus as I think about all the happy moments I had as a child living out here in the woods with my parents.
“Mom?” I ask.
“Hmm?” She sips her tea.
“What does it mean to be in love?”
“Oh, honey.” She leans over and hugs me against her warm, soft body. “Being in love means loving someone so much that you would do anything to protect and support them. It means you love them enough to make them a part of your family. And isn’t that what life is about? Expanding your family and the amount of love that you can push out into the universe?”
I stare at the orange flames of the fire.
“And I’m just lucky that I got to do it with you.” She taps my nose.
I smile. “Thanks, Mom.”
Resting my head on her shoulder, I close my eyes.
If I could add anyone to my family, it would be Jack. All he does is look out for me and care for me. All he wants is for us to spend more time together. If I want that too, then why do I keep pushing him away? All this time I’ve been afraid of bringing him close for fear that I’d lose him. But my fear caused me to lose him anyway. I’ve been holding him at an arm’s length—even when we were calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend—when I really should have been pulling him close and never letting him go.
He had a valid reason for being upset with me last night.
As I hold the hot cup of tea in my hands, I take a slow sip. The warm liquid radiates through my body. I place my hand on my belly.
It’s a bit soon in our relationship to be expecting, but I know Jack would be an amazing dad. If I’m pregnant, I know he’d support me one hundred percent. Well… as long as I let him. And as long as he forgives me for pushing him away.
Eyes closed, Nora starts humming in between sips of tea.
I smile to myself thinking about Jack and how he’d react to meeting my witch-hippie mom. I instinctively check my phone. Still no messages from him. Seeing the lack of messages hurts more than it should.
No longer in the mood for tea, I set my cup aside.
“I should go,” I say.
“So soon? We’re about to smudge the van if you want to join us.”
“I think I’ll pass. I have something important to do.” My mind flashes to the pregnancy test that’s still sitting on my dresser next to my crystals. “Bye, Mom.”
I kiss her on the cheek.
“Bye, sweetie. I hope your important task goes as well as it could.”
I smile.
“Thanks, mom.” Craning my neck, I look for Carlos and hope that he’s at least partially clothed this time. “Bye Carlos!”
“Bye, Jemma!” Carlos waves at me from behind the van.
“Love you,” Nora calls out. “Remember to let love enter your life and your soul!”
“I’ll try.” I hop onto my bike.
“Try harder!” She calls out.
Waving at her, I pedal away from the forest and along the bay until I’m back at Apple Tree Lane. When I make my way back to my living space and up to my room, I see the pregnancy test sitting on my dresser. It feels wrong taking it without Jack here.
I pick up my phone and put it back down about a hundred times. I want to text Jack. I want to text him so bad. But I know I can’t without seeming like a desperate psycho.
Unsure what to do, I grab my tarot deck and shuffle. A card instantly flies out. I look at it.
The World.
A glamorous woman wearing a pink dress is stepping through a wreath adorned with ribbons. It looks like she’s stepping through a door, an alternate dimension.
I know this is the last card in the deck, meant to symbolize a cycle of completion. The woman has come to the end of one journey and is about to begin another.
Although this card can feel like some sort of ascension, it can also be scary considering a new beginning means becoming the naive fool once again. But the woman on the card looks calm and serene. She looks powerful and confident like she can handle anything that comes at her.
This is how I want to be—calm and powerful.
I just don’t know what journey is coming to a completion. Is my journey with Jack officially over? Or maybe I’m pregnant and my childless days are over. Or perhaps my single life is coming to an end… if things with Jack ever get fixed.
As I stare at the card and study the artwork, the number at the top of the card sticks out to me: XXI.
“Twenty-one,” I whisper to myself.
Blackjack.
I smile to myself. The universe has a funny way of winking at me.
Placing my tarot deck back on my dresser, I set the World card up against a crystal so that it’s properly on display. My gaze drifts over to the pregnancy test, lingering for a long moment.
Lilith meows at me. She’s sitting on the windowsill across the room.
“What?” I ask her.
She looks at me with big green eyes.
“I haven’t taken it yet because… well, because no matter what that test says, I won’t be getting what I want… which is Jack back in my arms.”
I look at Lilith.
“I fucked this up, didn’t I?”
Lilith stares at me with sad eyes. Sensing my vulnerability, she jumps down from the windowsill, walks across the room, and jumps up onto my lap, purring gently against me.
As I sit there, I realize that I have nobody to blame but myself. I knew that Jack wasn’t the kind of guy who took half-measures at anything in life. And I was a fool to think he’d make an exception when it came to me.
I let the other men in my life shake my faith. In my pursuit of a perfectly safe relationship, I lost the man I love.
The man I love.
Picking up Lilith, I hold her close to my chest. Her fur softly brushes my cheek as she purrs against me.
“Do you miss him?” I ask.
Lilith leans in and sniffs my nose, gently pressing her wet little nose against mine.
“Me too.” I pet her cute little head. “Don’t worry. No matter what it takes, I’m going to get him back.”
JACK
Four days into our road trip and the Blades are in Quebec City playing an afternoon game against the Castors. I know that my mom is in the audience watching me. I’m not sure where, but I can feel her eyes on me.
I’m playing more aggressively than I’ve ever been playing. I have a lot of anger and resentment built up inside me and I’m doing everything I can to turn it into something productive on the ice. I can’t let my personal life cloud my judgment when I’m playing against elite players. But it’s hard. Really hard.
Jemma keeps invading my mind.
I keep going over every single thing I said to her that Halloween night.
It was all true. I don’t regret any of it.
Maybe I regret how I said it. But it needed to be said. I can’t keep being strung along. She keeps pushing me away when I can tell she loves me. She just pushed me too far this time. I saw the hesitance and fear in her eyes. I can’t commit to someone with that much fear about the future. Either we had a relationship or we didn’t. And it was clear that whatever we had was self-serving rather than mutually beneficial.
That’s not how I play. My heart can’t live in limbo.
We’re in the last period in our game against the Castors.
I notice that there are some Blades fans in the audience—the blue jerseys stick out in the sea of red and black. The Blades fans are holding a sign that says ‘Let’s hit a Blackjack’. I smile to myself and feel my energy stores fill up.
The boost to my ego is enough to get me through the last stretch of the game. I don’t score any goals but I manage to set up a play for Connor and get a point. It’s better than nothing.
When the game is over, I shower and take a taxi to Sylvie’s house. The team isn’t going back to Seattle for another couple of hours meaning I get a few hours to see my mom.
The small stone house with the green door looks just like it did last time I visited. The trees have already shed their leaves and the naked branches are reaching around the house like bony fingers. I ring the doorbell. The door opens.
“Jack!”
All I see is a gray head of curls and rectangular reading glasses before Sylvie hugs me. Her five-foot stature means she has to crane her head up to look at me.
“How’s my boy?” She touches my cheek.
I smile. “Exhausted. Did you enjoy the game?”
“Oh, you were wonderful! I was cheering so loud, you probably heard me.”
I chuckle. “I probably did.”
“Come in, come in. Do you want coffee? Tea? There’s a meat pie in the fridge.”
“I’m good.” I touch my stomach. My appetite has been non-existent all week. “I just wanted to come see you.”
As I follow her into the house, I notice that her two friends—Marie and Odette—are seated at the kitchen table. The old women have Blades shirts pulled on over their blouses. The blue Blades shirts contrast with their patterned pants and gold jewelry. I suppress a smile.
“Hey, it’s my biggest fans,” I say.
The two women look up at me and instantly start fawning.
“Oh, Jack, great game!”
“Magnifique, Jack!”
Sylvie grabs my elbow. “We had so much fun at the game. Thanks again for the tickets.”
“Anytime! But if you lived in Seattle you’d be able to go to a lot more games.”
“Oh, you know I can’t leave my home and my f
riends! But maybe if you get a nice house with a guest room, I might visit.”
“And a pool!” Odette says. “Or at least a hot tub.”
I laugh. “I’ll start looking into real estate right away.”
The women start poking at me, telling me I should sit down and eat with them. There’s a spread of cheese and crackers on the table. And, of course, wine.
“No, that’s fine,” I say. “My body is still buzzing with adrenaline from the game.”
Sylvie pulls me aside so that the others can’t hear.
“Jack, are you okay? You look tired.”
“We’ve played three games in the past three days. It’s exhausting.”
“It’s something else.” Her glasses are perched on the end of her nose as she searches my face.
I sigh. “I miss home.”
“You have a new home now.”
“I know. It’s just not the same.”
“It’s all very new. It takes time to settle down your roots.”
I smile at the mention of the word ‘root’. It makes me think of Jemma. My mood dampens again.
“Jack?” Sylvie can see the disappointment on my face.
“I thought I was falling in love,” I say. “But I think it's over.”
I don’t even realize what I’m saying until it’s already out.
“Oh, my boy. Heartbreak is difficult. What happened?”
I shake my head. “It was moving too fast for her and too slow for me.”
“Oh, Jack. It’s okay to go slow. I didn’t say yes to dating Henri for weeks.”
“Really? I thought you said it was love at first sight.”
“Well, it was! But that didn’t mean I wanted to be in a relationship right away.”
“But you still ended up together.”
She chuckles. “Of course. Henri was very persistent. He gave me my space, of course, but he still made sure to let me know that he was waiting for me. He said to me ‘I will marry you, even if it’s in twenty years, I know you’ll come around’. We were married within the year.”
I smile. “How come I never knew that?”
She shrugs. “I have lots of memories with Henri that I never shared with you. A woman needs her secrets. And her space.”
Jack: An Enemies To Lovers Sports Romance (Bad Boys of Hockey Book 2) Page 24