by Mark Tufo
‘Hungry!’ Hugh demanded.
‘Me too, little buddy!’ I told him.
I could see the equations working in Charlie’s head. Do I give the clown a gun or do I go past him and see what is causing this traffic jam. Both had inherent dangers built in, so he did the next best thing. “Merle, go check it out.”
Merle was about to protest.
“Girls, what the hell is the problem!” Fred yelled down in a loud whisper but with force.
Merle talked first hoping to get his point across. “Fucking clown says there’s something downstairs but the pasty pansy won’t go check it out because he says he doesn’t have a gun and Charlie said I should do it instead, but I don’t want to go past the freak.”
“Is it moving?” Fred asked. I shook my head and Merle relayed the message.
“Tell the clown to do it or you’ll shoot him,” Fred said.
I couldn’t see Fred from this vantage point but I wanted to make sure he heard me. “Not very Christian-like,” I told him.
“You’re not in any immediate danger if it isn’t moving, so now I’m curious as to what it is and how it got there,” Fred said.
“So hungry!” I yelled inadvertently. I placed my hands over my mouth like I was a demure woman who had just loudly belched in a high priced restaurant.
“What did you just say?” Charlie asked.
“He said he was ‘so hungry’,” Merle said.
“I know what the hell he said dipshit,” Charlie said. “I’m just wondering why.”
“Charlie, what the hell is going on?” Fred asked.
Charlie turned to answer as did the ever intrusive Merle. ‘Now or never’. I sprung from the landing like a flea to a delectable dog thigh. Charlie must have sensed something because he was turning back around. Merle was oblivious. Charlie’s gun was coming up to a firing position but unless he was going to blow a hole in Merle to get to me I was going to be just fine.
Charlie’s eyes widened as I narrowed the gap.
“Fuck me!” Fred said as he watched me crash into Merle and Charlie. I’m pretty sure I snapped a few of Charlie’s ribs as our combined weights plunged into his side and he impacted with heavy wooden stairs. Merle was still clueless, air was whooshing from Charlie’s mouth as his punctured lung collapsed.
Friendly fire be damned, Fred started popping off rounds, at least two of which caught me in the shoulder. I pulled my prize up into a bear hug and retreated back down the stairs. Fred didn’t stop shooting, prematurely ending Charlie’s suffering with a bullet to the head. Merle was full on screaming as Charlie’s brain matter cascaded down his face.
“You fucked up my supper Fred,” I yelled.
“What are you?” Fred yelled, placing two more shots into the landing wall I had already vacated making the turn so that I could eat in peace.
“Ch-Ch-Charlie’s dead,” Merle said the gun in his hand completely forgotten as he slipped into shock.
“And so are you,” I told him as I ripped his mouth off. His dry and cracked lips tasted a lot like beef jerky. Merle was still screaming but it was muted with the blood from his lipless face running into the back of his throat. I wanted him to stay alive as long as possible, living meat tasted so much better.
“Tastes like chicken wings,” I told Merle as I stripped the meager meat from his fingers. Merle passed out. Too bad I was going to miss his dinner conversation. I laughed as I bit through the base of his thumb. “Damn, it even looks like a drum stick,” I said holding it up to the moonlight spilling through the stained glass window.
Anna was a few feet away from me, watching the entire event. “Want some?” I asked, holding up a fat big toe. Merle had some abnormally large toes. The fungus under the toe nails added a tanginess I found pleasing. Anna waved her hands back and forth.
“How could you?” she asked.
I began to rip large strands of skin from Merle’s legs. I was going to skin him alive. I had read once that the Japanese used to do this to their prisoners because they would live longer as opposed to taking it from the arms first.
“I’m hungry,” I told her as if this was the most normal answer to her question. Merle was moaning in his passed out state for that I was immensely pleased. I quickly ripped his sweat pants off as they got in the way of my eating, I thanked him for his consideration. Sweat pants were way easier to shred than blue jeans.
“Commando. Very brave,” I told him, although what he was packing wasn’t much larger than a cocktail wienie. I would save that for later, kind of like an after dinner mint. I pulled a strip clean from the top of Merle’s foot to half way up his abdomen. I was licking my lips as I began to stuff it into my mouth. Anna gagged. “A little hairier than I would have liked but delicious all the same,” I told her as I over exaggeratedly licked my fingers. “Oh come on,” I told her as she stood there with her horrified expression. “I’m only doing what all of God’s creatures do.”
She looked aghast that I would invoke his name. “You are not a creature of God. You are an abomination.”
“Be that as it may,” I said before plunging down into Merle’s mid section ripping his outie belly button free from its moorings. I chewed it a few times before responding. “Sorry, I don’t like to talk with my mouth full. Manners and all.” I grinned. She paled. “But Sister, didn’t you just earlier make a deal with this abomination?”
Anna looked mortified that I had found out her calling. It was one thing to be ashamed of your deeds. It was a whole other animal to let down your maker.
“It’s alright Sister, that’s another of God’s instincts instilled into His creatures—self preservation. You cannot judge me any differently when you yourself have placed your well-being above that of others. I don’t have a problem with your lack of altruism although because of it I question your career choice. Something more like a tax collector or a politician seems like it would have been more up your alley.”
“I’m nothing like you!” she screamed.
“Whatever,” I said. I didn’t really care as I ripped Merle’s left nipple off. Tough bastard, he looked like he was contemplating coming to. “You should probably stay asleep friend because this is going to hurt like hell,” I told him right before I ripped his right nipple off to match the other side.
“Anna, what the hell is going on down there?” Fred asked. I could tell he was warring with himself, worry over the fate of the Sister that had sold him out or his own personal safety.
I looked Anna in the eye. “You know he’s going to come down here and see if he can help.”
She nodded dejectedly.
“You could save him.”
“I could?” she asked with a small glimmer of hope.
“Yes, warn him not to come down, but I’m still famished; I have to eat someone,” I told her. My blood soaked teeth glistened as I smiled.
“I’m coming down, Anna,” Fred cried out. “Just tell me what’s going on.”
“Fred, what the hell are you doing?” Zak said. “You can’t go down there. I’ll be alone.”
“Then come with me,” Fred said.
I could hear Fred trying to come down the stairs as quietly as possible, but the creaking stairs were betraying his every movement.
Zak had made up his mind. I did not hear two sets of feet descending.
‘Divide and conquer.’ Before I stood I tore Merle’s patella free, gelatinous goo hung from it which I greedily slurped up.
“Anna, what was that?” Fred asked, stopping his downward movement.
“Last chance,” I told Anna as I stood. She turned away. “That’s my good girl. God doesn’t give a shit about those idiots with hero syndrome. He cares about survivors. He cares about those who will do all in their power to preserve the gift of life, the gift that he has given to us all. Not those assholes that would throw it all away by running into a burning building or jumping on a grenade.” I crept quietly over to the bottom of the stairs as Anna cried softly.
“Sister�
� Merle, are you alright?” Fred asked quietly from the first landing. “I’m going to drill a hole in your head, clown!” Fred shouted. I think he was more trying to convince himself that he wasn’t scared than actually feel like he was intimidating me. Maybe next he would start to whistle, although I never knew the logic behind that stupid move. If you were in a building or a home and you weren’t entirely sure if you were alone, why would you announce your damn self? Maybe it was to mask the noise of the boogeyman’s approach as he plunged your own kitchen knife through your kidney.
I was at the bottom of the stairs hidden by the wall. Anna had walked farther away, not wanting to witness the ensuing action and maybe if Fred did somehow kill me she would now have plausible deniability that she knew where I was.
‘Oh not now!’ I stood bolt upright, my sphincter loosening completely. Feces blew through like a stiff breeze through a tunnel, sure a shit-caked tunnel but you get the idea. I used to think cooking liver and onions was the worst smell this planet had to offer, that wasn’t even close. I can’t imagine flies would even be drawn to what was leaking from my anus.
Fred was gagging violently from the first landing. It was a good thing too because I was locked in this position, I bet stupid Hugh couldn’t even chew a tongue and walk at the same time. Fred started blasting holes in the wall near where I was standing.
‘Hugh, this might be a good time to wrap up,’ I begged my besieger.
The speed with which Hugh released control caught me completely off guard. I collapsed to the floor. This saved our lives as Fred shot two huge holes about head high right where I had been.
“That was close, Fred!” I yelled, laughing.
“You’re a sick clown—let me put you out of your misery!” Fred yelled back. I could hear him placing shells into the rifle. I didn’t think I could get up and make it to him before he was ready to fire again and if I remembered correctly, he was also wearing a sidearm, so that would be a bad move all around.
“Killing me, Fred, would put me out of your misery,” I stressed.
“What have you done with the Sister? Don’t you have any sanctity for the Cloth?” Fred cried.
“Only when it gets stuck in my teeth,” I mocked, crawling away from his firing zone.
“Where is Merle?” Fred demanded.
“Halfway through my colon, I would imagine,” I answered.
Fred began anew with the wall drilling holes. I waited until he ran out.
“Fred-Fred-Fred, what would Jesus think of you tearing up his home?” I asked.
Fred began to drive bullets back into his gun, shit how many of the damn things did he have? I’ve gotta eat—Hugh is a growing boy. I laughed at my own joke. I was still on my hands and knees when I looked over to the battered body of Merle, still clutching his pistol, looked like a Glock but I couldn’t be sure, never had much use for them.
‘Can zombies use guns?’ I asked Hugh.
‘Zombie? Hungry.’
‘Something new and unusual my tapewormie friend.’
I half crawled excitedly over to Merle, and reached for the gun. I could move my fingers but it was difficult almost like they were wrapped together with duct tape. At first I looked like I was trying to paw the gun from him, my hand was moving as one whole unit as opposed to five separate parts. I had to concentrate hard to move each digit independent of the other. The problem arose when I moved on to the next finger the previous one would revert to something akin to a claw pose. “How fucking cliché,” I told Merle. “A zombie with claw hands.”
A fresh volley of rounds broke through the silence, Fred’s shots were eerily close. ‘Dumbass.’ He must have heard me talking. The one good thing about a claw hand was that it closely resembled the way my hand would look if I was holding a gun. I managed to finally wrap my left hand around it, which was funny considering I’m a righty, but it was the easier of the two to work with. Now how long was it going to take to send the trigger pull thought to my finger and then have it react? That was the million dollar question.
Anna was watching my every move, I could hear Fred going back upstairs, probably for more rounds or his nerve had finally broke. I stood up thrusting the small pistol jerkily away from my body.
“How’s that for a nightmare, Sister? A zombie with a gun. Scares the hell out of me and I’m the one doing it.” I laughed. Anna was crying now. “Oh I’m sorry did I upset you, I shouldn’t have used the H E double hockey sticks word in the house of the Lord.” And then I couldn’t help it, I full on laughed, the sound of it reverberating throughout the entire quiet church. Anna shrunk down into herself. Not a peep from Fred or Zak; I didn’t blame either one.
“I’m ready to give myself up!” I yelled to Fred, my gaze fixed tightly on the hand holding the gun.
Anna said, “No,” softly.
“You say something, sweetheart?” I shifted my gaze toward her.
‘Eat it!’ Hugh demanded.
‘‘It’, Hugh? She is one of the most perfect specimens I have ever seen in my life. I wish I could fuck her before I ate her. Shit, Hugh, Anna there is fine dining at its best. Merle, in comparison, was like eating at Chuck E Cheese. No, we’re going to savor every tasty morsel.’ I must have been salivating excessively because drool was pooling at my feet. This did not go unnoticed by Anna, although she did not move. Where was she going to go?
“Why don’t you come upstairs, clown, and receive your salvation!” Fred yelled.
“I’d like to, Fred, I really would, but it seems I’ve busted up my leg something fierce in the fall. You’re going to have to come down and administer the justice I so desperately need and want.”
“Well, you’ve got to know I don’t believe you, clown.”
“It’s Hugh, dammit!” I yelled. “I… I mean Timothy,” I said with much less force.
“Oh, that’s rich.” Fred yelled down. “A psychotic clown with an associative disorder. Or is it dissociative?”
“You asking me?” Zak asked. “I don’t even have a clue what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Fuck you, Fred!” I screamed. “How about this then? Get your sweet ass over here,” I said to Anna. Her head was shaking so violently back and forth I thought she was going to break her damn neck. “If I have to come over there and get you I might just take me a little bite for the effort.”
She was moving, it was reluctantly and slower than it should have been but she was coming my way.
“What are you doing, clown?” Fred emphasized the moniker.
He was taunting me but there was also a tremor in his voice as he realized I might have something that could force his hand.
“Say hello to the nice dead man upstairs,” I told Anna. I grabbed the top of her head to stop its to and fro movement. She squirmed under the contact some viscous fluid dripped down from my hand to her forehead she crossed her eyes in a vain attempt to possibly garner its contents. It was of my belief that she would be better off not knowing.
“Fred, help me.” Anna whimpered, it was exactly what I needed her to say but she didn’t do it for my benefit, sister or not she was no Mother Teresa.
I bent down and licked her ear, stopping long enough to probe her ear canal with the tip of my tongue. Her quaking stopped, replaced by rigidity a plank of wood would be proud of. The pressure must have compressed her bladder.
“Ah, the smell of warm piss in the night, it’s like a little slice of Heaven. Don’t you think?” I whispered in her ear.
“If you hurt her, I’ll kill you, clown!” Fred yelled.
“Really, Fred, you don’t have anything more original than that?” I pinched Anna’s shoulder until she squealed in pain.
Fred ran down three steps before Zak’s words stopped him. “It’s a damn trap. Fred, you can’t be that stupid.”
“I know it’s a trap, what the hell else am I supposed to do?” Fred answered him.
“Live,” Zak told him.
“See, Zak gets it,” I said softly to Anna. “Not Fred
, though. Oh, he’ll be down here lickety-split.”
‘HUNGRY!’ Hugh screamed in protest.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, HUGH!!! We’ll eat when I god damn say its time to eat!”
Anna let loose with another volley of urine.
“Damn, did I say that out loud?” I asked the quiet room. I was answered by my own echo. If I hadn’t already crossed the line to Crazy Town, I was rapidly approaching and there were no stops between here and there. At least Hugh had taken a back seat for the moment. “That’s right, I’m in charge here!” I yelled, I could have been talking about the church or my body. Both would have been correct.
“Losing, it clown? Why don’t you do us all a favor and go to the altar and fall on a sword or something?” Fred said.
I would swear he was on the first landing now. If the dipshit had just shut up he probably could have just snuck up on me during my psychotic episode. Is that what I’m calling it now? I moved Anna so that when Fred came down she would be in front of me. Although that was like trying to hide an airplane behind a Volkswagen. I couldn’t imagine Fred taking the shot and harming her, though.
Fred came down the remainder of the stairs quickly scanning the room with his rifle. The barrel came to rest on us and if I wasn’t mistaken, my head. I ducked down a bit and the muzzle followed. Still, he didn’t fire.
“Why don’t you come out from behind the lady and we’ll settle this like men?” Fred said.
“How about you put your rifle down first? Hardly seems fair, you with a firearm and all and me with just my teeth.”
“What are you, clown?”
I could tell he was genuinely interested, not just trying to get a rise out of me. I didn’t quite know what to tell him, so I didn’t answer.
“You put down the rifle, I’ll let the Sister go,” I said as I blew snot out of my nose almost completely covering the top of her head. She most likely would have fainted to the ground if I wasn’t holding her up.
Fred took a step toward me. “Far enough, Fred. The church was diffused with darkness but Fred’s trigger knuckle shone a bright white as he kept six and a half pounds of pressure on a seven pound trigger. “You know you could always just blow a few of those cannon rounds through little missy here to get to me.” As quickly as I said it, Fred seemed to contemplate it and reject it. “Well, what is it going to be Fred—the girl for your rifle and then we can settle this like men?”