“It—it’s complicated.” More complex than a single conversation could ever convey.
“Figure it out.”
“Barbara... You know how much I love and respect you, but what did or didn’t happen between your son and me is a private, deeply personal matter.”
“Not when he’s hurting. Not when my granddaughters are losing a potential mother all over again.”
Camille stood, crossing the short distance to tuck Sallie back into her stroller.
“How can you ignore his pain?” Barbara asked. “You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever known.”
His pain? What about mine? Camille’s hands shook as she fastened Sallie’s harness. She kissed Allie and Callie on the crowns of their heads.
“Please, Camille. Talk to him. I know whatever happened between you can be worked out. You two deserve to finally have your happy ending.”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” Camille somehow managed to say without bursting into tears, “but I have a lot to do. It would be best if you’d leave.”
“If that’s what you want.” Confusion and hurt flashed across Barbara’s dear, familiar features. “Emily’s service will be held Saturday at two o’clock. I took the liberty of inviting your mom. We had a good chat, reminiscing about happier times. Jed took me to get a new phone. She texted me this morning that she’ll be in on Friday. I figured she would’ve let you know by now?”
“She’s big on surprises.” And this was a doozy.
Nobody would be able to see through Camille’s show of bravado faster than her mom. But that was okay. The two of them would have a nice visit, attend Emily’s service, share a good cry, and then her mom would go back to her busy condo lifestyle and Camille would stay here with her grandfather and Earl.
It wasn’t the dream life she’d so recently imagined, but it would do.
It had to.
Because she was fresh out of any other options.
* * *
Jed struggled to contain his disappointment in Camille—not just for leaving him, but the girls.
Since Camille’s mother, Phoebe, had flown in that afternoon, Jed’s mom had invited the whole Hall family for Friday night supper. Were it not for the reason behind this reunion—Emily’s death and upcoming memorial service—this might have been a happy occasion.
With the girls content in their swings, Jed turned his attention to Camille, watching her chop tomatoes for the salad that would accompany his mom’s famous lasagna—only he had no appetite.
Ollie had Phoebe cornered in the kitchen booth, regaling her with what he deemed irrefutable evidence of the motherlode he’d discovered in his mine.
How different the house had felt with Jed and Camille on their own. Like it belonged to them. Now, even though he was the legal owner, it didn’t feel like his house, or Emily and Chase’s, but his mom’s.
Unable to maintain this charade of everything being normal between him and Camille a second longer, he set his Coors on the counter, then left his post in front of the toaster oven to whisper in her ear, “Come with me.”
“Where?”
Ignoring her question, he took her hand. Also ignoring both their mothers’ hopeful glances, he led her out the back door, across the yard and toward the barn.
“Slow down,” Camille said. “Where are we even going?”
“Away.” He opened the pasture gate.
Lucy and Ethel glanced up and whinnied.
With the sun just setting, the air still held the heat of the day. A light fog rose from the field. The sky was awash in purples and orange.
“Your mom needs my help.”
“News flash—my mom is a one-woman army. She handles the care of entire villages. I doubt putting the finishing touches on our meal will break her.”
“If your plan was to drag me far enough from the house so we could argue in private, mission accomplished.”
He released her hand and sighed, raking his fingers through his hair. “The last thing I want is to fight with you.”
“Then what do you want?” Was it his imagination, or had her voice caught in her throat?
I don’t know.
He’d wanted to be alone with her. To try explaining how miserable he’d been without her. But now? He didn’t see a woman who had been longing for him standing before him, but a woman who’d determined she’d be better off without him or his nieces and was at peace with her decision.
“Look,” he said, “I needed to touch base with you about tomorrow. I didn’t want there to be awkwardness between us at Emily’s service.”
“Why would there be? Your sister was one of my oldest friends. I would never do anything to disrespect her or her memory. For you to think I would—” Lips clamped shut, she crossed her arms. “I should get back inside. Your mother needs me.”
What’s wrong with you that you can’t see I need you?
She jogged across the field toward the house.
He strode toward the horses.
Reaching them, stroking their coarse manes, he said, “You know your life is FUBAR when the woman you finally realize you love would rather chop tomatoes than spend one more second with you.”
His confession earned a snort.
Chapter 17
“Everything okay?” her mother asked a few minutes after Camille slipped through the back door without Jed.
“Fine.” She squared her shoulders and plastered on a smile. “Mmm... Dinner smells delicious.”
Her mother’s narrowed gaze told Camille her cheery act wasn’t fooling anyone. “If there’s anything you need to talk to me about, that’s why I’m here. I can’t imagine how tough it’s been for you and Jed caring for the girls.”
“It wasn’t bad.” As strange as it may seem, I had the time of my life, playing house with the man I thought I loved. But that was before she’d realized that love was incapable of being sustained for any real length of time.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing.” Camille forced another smile. Turning to Barbara, she asked, “Want me to set the table?”
“That would be great,” Jed’s mother said. “I forget you probably know where things are better than I do. It’s been ages since I lived here, and Emily rearranged the whole place to her—” Tears welled in her gorgeous green eyes that were the exact shade of her son’s. “Sometimes the pain of losing her feels more than I can bear.”
“Come here...” Phoebe brushed past Camille to give her friend a hug. “Somehow, we’ll get through this together.”
“Thank you for coming. You’re one of my oldest and dearest friends.”
“Likewise.”
Camille’s throat ached at the sight of her mom and Barbara’s heartfelt exchange.
She needed a hug, too, but she was on her own.
Nothing new.
But a fact she’d learn to get used to.
* * *
Saturday morning, Jed hugged his sister’s urn, staring out at the panoramic view from atop Mount Celeste. The intimate stone chapel had been filled to capacity with mourners, and after the service they had all taken the short hike up the stairs leading to the cross at the mountain’s peak.
The day couldn’t have been more perfect with balmy temperatures, a light breeze and a clear blue sky that made it seem as if the whole world had been spread before them in a jagged patchwork quilt of peaks and valleys and diamond-strewn lakes.
“I miss you, sis...” Could Emily hear him? He hoped so.
In his peripheral vision he saw Camille with both their moms and the babies. She wore a black dress that hugged her every curve and made him feel like a slimeball for noticing.
You’re at your sister’s funeral, for Christ’s sake. Keep your shit together.
For an instant, their gazes locked, but she looked away
.
Her issues were bigger than anything he could handle. He would soon legally be a father and his responsibility to his nieces trumped all.
His mother moved to the base of a twenty-foot wooden cross that on a clear day like this could be seen from as far away as downtown Aspen.
“If you all would please gather...” She waved her hands, urging their friends closer. “First, on behalf of myself and Jed and my granddaughters, I can’t thank all of you enough for being here to celebrate the life of my baby girl. Of course, Emily was a fully grown woman with a family all her own...” For an instant, she closed her eyes while swallowing hard. “For me, I will always see her the day she was placed into my arms—a red-faced, squirmy bundle who seemed more than a little miffed that her cozy world had been upturned.” She laughed through silent tears. “I adored her at first sight, as did her daddy and big brother.”
Up until now, Jed had managed to keep his cool, but the mental image of the first time he’d seen Emily seemed as fresh in his mind as the scene unfolding before him. Five years older than the tiny creature, he hadn’t been sure what Emily’s arrival meant for their family, but to see how happy the baby made his folks... Well, he’d decided to be happy, too. And love her. And watch over her.
So how could he have let her die on his watch?
Tears stung his eyes, but for his mother, he had to stay strong.
“Our Emily may have earned a fancy economics degree, but all she ever really wanted was to be a wife and mother. When she and Chase first learned she was carrying triplets, instead of being terrified at the thought of never sleeping—” All present laughed at the welcome humor “—she was over-the-moon happy, devouring every baby care book she could. She and Chase loved each other for as long as I can remember. Losing him was a burden she simply wasn’t able to bear. But that’s okay. Jed and I will ensure her girls never forget just how amazing their mom and dad truly were. I hope as they grow and become contributing members of this community she also loved, that all of you will share your memories of her and their father with them. I’m a firm believer in remembering happy times and letting go of the bad.” She dabbed a tissue to her eyes. “In that spirit, please join me in silent prayer while Jed releases her soul to be free with her husband’s...”
A lumberjack of a kilt-wearing bagpipe player stepped up beside his mother, and while he performed the haunting strains of “Amazing Grace,” Jed removed the urn’s lid and offered his sister’s ashes to the wind.
Eyes stinging, throat on fire from holding back tears, he found the task the hardest he’d ever done.
More than anything, he longed for Camille to be alongside him with her arm around his waist, letting him know she cared.
He knew with every bone in his body that she very much cared. The problem was figuring out how to break through her fears to allow room in her heart for hope.
With the urn emptied, he set it at the base of the cross.
His proud mother stoically held back tears, listening to the somber song, staring out at the vast blue where her beloved daughter now resided among angels.
Steeling his jaw, Jed looked to the crowd to find Camille silently sobbing. She held a tissue over her nose and her shoulders bobbed with each racking onslaught of silent tears.
His mother must have also seen her, as she placed her hand on his arm, whispering for only him to hear, “Go to her. She needs you more than I do.”
“Sure?”
“Absolutely. Tell her how much you love her. And that you’re never going to let her go.”
He looked from her to Camille, who had discreetly backed away from those gathered to run down the stairs toward the parking lot, and he knew his mother was right.
He would go after his love, his best friend, the woman who would hopefully be the mother to his new daughters. He would ask her to marry him and he wouldn’t take no for an answer...
* * *
Free from her fellow mourners, Camille ran until her lungs burned in the thin mountain air.
She wasn’t sure what had happened. Maybe it was the somberness of the bagpipes playing the world’s most depressingly beautiful song? Or Barbara’s heartbreaking words? Or remembering playing Barbies with Emily when they’d been girls and chasing boys with her once they’d grown older?
Tears flowed so fast and hard she could barely find her car, and then her images of Emily melded into the grisly crime scenes that were the driving force behind her withdrawal from the world.
The pain was too much.
Crushing her from all directions.
But then Jed was beside her, embracing her with his tree trunk arms. So strong and solid and everything she’d ever needed and wanted and more.
“Shh...” He rocked her, rubbing his hand up and down her back. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”
“B-but it’s not. I miss Chase and your sister. My dad and grandma. And I can’t stop thinking of the victims from my cases—dozens of them. So many were just babies—like your girls—helpless and innocent and sweet, but monsters took them and I’m so afraid of those same monsters returning for me and you and the girls and never letting any of us go.” The pain—the raw terror—crushed her from the inside out. Would any amount of comfort ever bring her peace? “Why does so much more bad happen than good?”
“It might seem that way, but it’s not true. Yes, what happened to Emily and Chase and your father and all those children you mourn is awful, but that doesn’t give you the right to give up.” He held her even closer, as if hoping to convey through his physical strength how much he believed in his healing words. “Bad shit is always going to happen, but you have to rise above. When you and I ended things the first time, when Alyssa cheated on me, I never thought love was for me. But lo and behold, through unspeakable tragedy, I found you all over again.” He framed her face with his hands. “Cam, I don’t know how it happened, but I need you. I love you. Marry me? Be the forever mom my nieces already adore.”
Yes! Camille’s heart cried, but her more rational brain refused.
“You don’t love me,” she said, stepping back. “You love the idea of a live-in nanny for all those babies. I’m a wreck. You don’t want to be anywhere near me.”
“Seriously? I pour out my heart to you and that’s all you can say?” He raised his hands in surrender. “You’re going to stand there accusing me of wanting nothing more than to marry you only to use you?” He shook his head. “I want you to be happy, Camille. Maybe that won’t be with me, but if getting there means seeking counseling for what happened in Miami, you need to do it.”
Just as abruptly as he’d appeared, Jed left.
The pain of watching him walk away hurt worse than anything she’d ever been through—even all the trauma she’d witnessed in Miami.
Should she chase after him? Beg him for a second chance? Apologize for letting her fears spill out, overriding the truth spoken by her heart?
He was 1000 percent right. She did need professional help to get her head in the same place as her gut, which was screaming at her to find Jed and to never let him go.
Camille darted among the mourners descending from the mountain peak. She ran into old friends wanting to make small talk. Gramps asked when they’d get something to eat.
Through all of these trivial encounters, she bobbed and weaved through the crowd, desperate to find Jed and make things right. But sadly, he was nowhere to be found.
Finally, she at least found his mom. “Where’s Jed? Have you seen him?”
“I thought he was with you. He needed the keys to my car—I rented a cute little compact in Aspen because the SUV is too much for me to drive. He asked if I could handle it just this once to take the babies home.”
“He already left?” Camille’s stomach fell with disappointment.
“I’m pretty sure. Since he’s looking for you, maybe he’s goi
ng to your grandfather’s place to—”
“Could you please drive Ollie home? I’ve got to find Jed.”
“Of course, honey.” Barbara didn’t try hiding her concern. “Is everything all right?”
“No...” She was already turning for her car. “But I hope once I find him, it soon will be.”
Judging by her runaway pulse, Camille wished she felt as sure as she’d sounded.
Jed had to forgive her. He just had to.
And if he didn’t?
Well, she’d revert back to Plan A. He had to. Because any chance of turning her life around meant Jed and the girls would be in it.
* * *
Fury didn’t begin to describe the slow burn spreading through Jed’s body. He wanted nothing more than to help Camille, but how could he do that when she refused to help herself?
He didn’t doubt for a moment that her Miami caseload had left indelible scars, but he couldn’t grasp the fact that she preferred being alone to seeking help. If not from him, then from a professional who dealt with this kind of job-related PTSD.
He had a lot of SEAL brothers who’d been almost taken down by the mental illness. It wasn’t something to be ashamed of but to conquer, just like any of the other battles they’d fought.
The winding dirt road clinging to the mountain’s edge was barely wide enough for two cars to pass. The drop-off was sheer and hundreds—if not thousands—of feet down.
Ask him if he cared.
The new father in him told him to slow the hell down, but the cocky SEAL spurred him ever faster. He had to get down from here—away from the woman making him feel as if he was losing his mind.
Home on the Ranch: The Colorado Cowboy's Triplets (Cowboy SEALs Book 8) Page 17