by Ute Jackle
“Alright, I’ll take it. But call me as soon as you have something else available. This is only temporary.” Could she hear me grinding my teeth?
Mrs. Weber’s face glowed like a nuclear reactor spill. She rummaged in a box marked Keys, took one out, and held it up. “Please sign here.” Then she pushed a list across the desk at me and pointed to a line with my name already printed out in block letters next to it.
After a moment’s hesitation, I grabbed the pen from her and signed. My signature was a bit scrawly, but that didn’t matter. With that, I stormed out of her office
2
Once out the office door, I paused to take a deep breath. I simply couldn’t believe this nightmare. Was I seriously supposed to live with two guys? I nervously fidgeted with the key in my hand until it clattered to the floor. With a heavy sigh, I picked it up, before I marched down the hallway to the stairwell and went down to the lobby.
There, I made a beeline for the coffee machine I spotted tucked away in the corner. I desperately needed caffeine to perk up my defeated spirits. As I headed towards it, I dug out a few coins from my pocket, put them in the slot, and waited. Nothing happened. No cup dropped down, nothing. Dammit, what was going on today? I bent over to look at the spot where my coffee should have been standing; nothing there.
“Stupid thing.” I viciously kicked the coffee machine.
“Need some help?” I heard a voice behind me that was now all too familiar. If it wasn’t Ben again. Great, just what I needed.
“No, thank you,” I growled, but he was already pounding the vending machine with his fist. The entire thing shook, and lo and behold, the cup plopped out, and pitch black liquid flowed into the cup with a hiss.
“Where brute force rules,” I quoted as I carefully removed the steaming cup.
“You’re welcome,” he replied with a smile. “I work at the copy shop across the street, and this is my main source for coffee. I’ve gotten pretty familiar with Ernie’s quirks.”
With a great deal of willpower, I forced myself to look up, once again losing myself in the deep blue eyes that would have filled a professional hypnotist with envy. “Thanks.” I was trying to at least sound a little friendlier. “Ernie?”
He stroked the side of the machine as if caressing a naked woman. “It’s my nickname for her, Ernestine, actually. Machines have a soul too, you know. Since we’ve started getting along, Ernie always provides me with the coffee I need.” He pointed at my cup.
“Ah, so you’re a vending machine whisperer.” As hard as I tried, I couldn’t suppress a chuckle. But he didn’t seem to find his commentary the least bit embarrassing.
“Among other things.” Ben leaned against the vending machine. “So why didn’t you leave earlier?”
“The office, you mean?” I asked, confused.
“Nah. Your ex. You should’ve broken up with him when he cooked up that dumb migraine excuse.” He snorted.
Embarrassed, I sipped my coffee, grimacing instantly. It tasted awful. Did he have to bring up all that BS I’d told the woman at the office? I had no desire to discuss my failed relationship with a complete stranger, least of all with him. The way he said that made it obvious that he questioned my sanity. In all fairness, I had laid it on a bit thick there in the office, but my relationship was a disaster either way. What was there to say? That I’d actually hoped I could salvage my pathetic relationship? That I’d been oblivious? That I had a hard time meeting people and that dating was hell for me? What did he know anyway? He was probably a chick magnet, and had no idea how it felt to be rejected or cheated on. My love life was certainly no business of his.
“Listen, that’s private and in the past. Would you do me a favor and just forget that conversation ever happened?”
How cool he looked in his tight black t-shirt and skinny jeans. He was definitely in a completely different league than me. Guys like him usually never even talked to me. Maybe we’d just gotten off on the wrong foot, I thought, and was already mellowing out a little when he delivered the final blow.
“Sex is actually a great indicator for whether a relationship is working or not. It’s the tip of the iceberg, really. If things aren’t working in the bedroom, you can forget about the rest.”
Unbelievable. “Oh, thanks for the analysis, Dr. Freud,” I squawked out. I could do without his professional diagnosis of my sad sex life, thank you very much. Any spark of attraction that I’d felt for him evaporated in the blink of an eye. “I get it, you’re probably a woman whisperer too, right?”
To my dismay, he actually seemed flattered. He put his hand around the back of his neck, and his eyes dropped to the floor as if he were embarrassed to admit to it.
“I guess you could say that, yeah.” He was smiling again.
How could someone be this conceited? “Really, you have a girlfriend?”
He leaned in a bit closer. “Why? Are you interested?”
I patted his arm sympathetically. “Keep dreaming, buddy. I was just curious to know if there’s a woman out there who can actually put up with you.”
“Oh, I could name a few,” he said with a wink. “There haven’t been any complaints so far. I think all you really need is…”
“All I really need is a guy who knows how to take care of me, right?” I finished for him, folding my arms in front of me. How predictable!
“I was going to say that all you need is a little more confidence, but I like your version too.” There was a twinkle in his eye, as if I had just made a pass at him.
“Gotta go.” I gulped down the rest of my coffee. As I tossed the empty cup into the trash can next to the machine, my cell rang. Great timing. There must be a God after all! I could escape without having to waste any more of my precious time with this arrogant moron. I pulled my phone out of my pocket as I walked away and checked the screen. It was Caro. I quickly hit the answer button.
“Hey, Luca. I was just checking to see if you were able to fix things,” she declared. On my way here, I’d told her about the letter regarding my living arrangement problem.
“No, there’s nothing else available. What a nightmare.” Just as I’d put my hand on the glass door to push it open, a now all-too-familiar voice called out behind me.
“Hey, wait up.”
“Hold on a sec, Caro.” Turning slowly, I lowered the phone and sighed loudly so he could clearly hear it. I was going to get rid of this guy once and for all.
“What?” I snapped.
“You dropped something,” he said with a diabolical grin that made me fear the worst. As if in slow motion, he held up a white object between his thumb and forefinger. When I realized what it was, I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole!
“Looks like I guessed right.”
I hissed at him like a cornered cat and snatched the tampon from his hand. Without a word, I turned around and heard him chuckle.
“What? I don’t even get a reward?”
3
Back in Nuremberg, I entered the narrow stairway of the building tucked back in the rear courtyard where Caro’s apartment was located. With a sigh, I opened the apartment door with the spare key she’d given me and instantly felt at home. I always felt at home at her place. Every wall was painted a different color, and portraits she had done herself hung on every available surface. Caro was an art student and worked several jobs to support herself. We met during my freshman year, at a small downtown chocolate shop where Caro used to work twice a week. Because of my celiac disease, I needed to check all ingredients lists first to ensure that I didn’t accidentally eat something containing wheat. Back then, she and I went through all the candy lists together, and soon we realized that we had a lot in common.
She was standing in her usual spot in front of her easel, her black hair tied up into a messy bun, and was in the process of generously brushing red paint on her most recent work. As I deposited my key on the dining table, she turned around, a splotch of red paint on her cheek.
“And? Have you calmed down a bit?”
Snorting, I sat down. “What did I ever do to deserve this…?”
That wasn’t a rhetorical question!
Caro walked over and wrapped her arms around my shoulders from behind. “You poor thing.”
I turned to look at her. “And then some stuck-up, pretty boy barged right in while I was talking to the lady and ruined my only chance of getting out of this.”
“So, what are you going to do now?” Caro sat down next to me. “You know you can stay here as long as you need to.”
“Thanks, really. You’re the best.” I played with my new key. “But I plan to get out of your hair. You and Martha need your privacy.” I grinned at her. “Besides, you guys keep me up at night with all your moaning.”
Caro slapped my arm. “That’s not true! We’re as quiet as mice!”
“Yeah, right.” I snickered and imitated Caro’s breathless gasps. “Oh, Martha! Yes! YES! Oh, my Gawwwd!” With each word, my voice rose higher and higher.
In mock shame, Caro looked down. “What can I say? She’s amazing. That girl just knows what she’s doing…”
I threw my hands up. “Too much information. Spare me the details please, or you’ll make me jealous!” Truth be told, I didn’t completely get what all the fuss was about sex. It was my well-kept secret that I had yet to experience an orgasm. I’d never even told Caro that. I was beginning to wonder whether something was wrong with my body.
“Oh, honey.” Caro gave me a crooked smile. “There must be someone out there who’d appreciate an awesome girl like you.”
“Oh, I’m sure there is.” I hastily agreed in order to get her off my case and change the topic. “I just seem to have a knack for attracting only the worst type of guys.” I made a square on my forehead with my forefingers and thumbs. “It’s like I’m wearing a sign here that says I heart idiots. You should’ve seen that guy I met today.”
Caro got up and laughed. “Let me make you a nice Hugo.”
“I sure need one!” I called after her.
“Martha and I are going out later. Want to come?” she called from the kitchen. I could hear glasses clinking. “It’s Ladies’ Night at Desi’s.”
“Your new bed bunny has really got you wrapped around her little finger, doesn’t she?” I teased her. “But I think I’ll pass. For better or worse, I need to start taking my things over to that hall of horrors.”
“My new bed bunny…” Caro’s head appeared in the doorframe. “I like that. Martha really is as cuddly as a bunny.” She disappeared again into the kitchen, and her muffled voice asked, “What’s the rush? You really don’t have to move out right this minute, you know.” She quickly returned with two long-stemmed wine glasses containing lime wedges and mint leaves dancing in the stream of bubbles. We toasted one another, and I swallowed down half of my glass in one gulp, the refreshing flavor of sparkling wine and elderflower syrup lingered on my tongue.
“Yeah, I know. But I’ll have to move at some point. So why not get it over with today? Maybe I’ll luck out, and my new roommates will be a gay couple.”
Caro shook her head at me. “You’re going to develop androphobia if you’re not careful. You’d better snap out of it.”
Instead of answering, I shrugged and took another sip as I considered what she’d just said. Were we women at fault if men discarded us like used tissues? Were we unconsciously giving men the OK to go ahead and trample all over our feelings? Had I done that? Ringo sure hadn’t put much effort into our relationship towards the end. On the contrary—the harder I’d tried, the less interested he’d seemed.
“I’m not going to be the kind of girl who goes around encouraging guys to treat me like a doormat. I want a man who tells me I have beautiful eyes. I don’t need the ones that only care about the way my breasts look naked,” I categorically declared and took a last swig of my drink.
“You do have great breasts though,” Caro remarked with a grin.
Disregarding her comment, I continued on with my rant. “I want a man who doesn’t walk out after a fight. Who doesn’t lie to me, or is embarrassed to introduce me to his friends and family. Someone I can talk to, and who will be by my side when times get tough. A guy who I’m everything to. Is that really too much to ask?”
Caro looked at me doubtfully. “Well, you could try asking Santa; maybe he could help you. Do you really expect to find all of that in one single man? Perhaps you’ve got the wrong idea about what guys are capable of?” She raised an eyebrow. “I’d get three if I were you,” she advised dryly.
The doorbell rang.
“That’ll be Martha,” Caro said jumping up and hugging me before rushing to the door. The two girls returned with their arms around each other.
“Hey, Luca, how’s it going?” Martha raised a hand in greeting and sat down.
“Hi, Martha. I’m fine,” I answered shortly, getting up. I hadn’t had the heart to tell Caro yet, but I didn’t care all that much for her new girlfriend. There was just something about her that rubbed me the wrong way.
Standing behind her, Caro ran her fingers through Martha’s short, auburn hair. I could see she was having a hard time not ripping her clothes off right then and there.
“Caro says you’re moving out?” Martha asked in my direction.
“Yup.” I grabbed my glass and slurped the dregs of my Hugo. “It’s probably for the best. It’ll give you two lovebirds some space.”
Martha nodded as if she agreed, and all of a sudden, I felt like a third wheel.
“To an all-male shared apartment, no less.” She grinned. “Can you imagine living with five other girls? I’d…”
“Hey!” Caro pulled Martha’s head back by her hair and stared into her eyes, upside down. “You’d what?”
“Oh, I’d only have eyes for you.”
“Good answer.” They kissed tenderly.
“It’s only two guys, by the way,” I said, interrupting their kiss.
But Martha wouldn’t stop. “One for the days, and one for the nights. That works,” she said pragmatically. “You straight people have it so much easier anyway. At least men don’t always need to talk about their feelings.”
“Whaat?” Caro protested. “That’s part of a healthy relationship.”
“Of course, it is, baby,” Martha agreed quickly, stretching out her arms to hug Caro. As Caro nestled against her, I sighed and started collecting my scattered things.
“I’m going to pack up and grab a taxi to take my stuff to Erlangen,” I said.
“Oh, I’ve got the car. I can take you right now if you want,” Martha offered before Caro could stop her. Martha pulled her onto her lap and started stroking her thighs. As they sank into a deep kiss, I was suddenly really glad I’d have my own place soon. It was high time I left this love nest.
4
Panting heavily under the weight of a box filled with books, I made my way up to the fourth floor. My new place was one floor higher than my old apartment, and of course, there was no elevator. Go figure. Why hadn’t anyone ever told me that filling moving boxes to the brim with books was a bad idea? There it went. It slipped out of my hands and crashed onto the steps as I dropped to my knees, clinging to the railing and trying to catch my breath. My cheeks were throbbing and burning, and I had scraped my palms, which now stung like hell.
“Why are you stopping in the middle of the stairs?” Caro asked from behind me. She was one to talk. In her wisdom, she’d only grabbed my bedclothes, which she was currently balancing on her head.
“I’m done,” I panted.
“C’mon, move it.” I heard Martha protest from behind her. She was carrying two suitcases as easily as if they were cardboard props, which made sense since she spent half her life at the gym. I obviously needed to start working out myself. Maybe tomorrow, or next week. Some time, for sure. For the moment, I was way too exhausted to concern myself with my lack of endurance. I tried to focus on catching my breath instead, while my heart beat so h
ard I could feel it in my throat.
“Keep going,” Martha urged me on. “I don’t have all day.”
“I can’t,” I said, clutching my side. “Just leave me here to die.”
“Why don’t you take the suitcases, and I’ll carry the box instead,” Martha generously offered.
What was she talking about? Did she seriously think I could handle two heavy suitcases that weighed at least as much as this stupid box?
“I’m not moving,” I insisted, still out of breath. “Just pass me the comforter, and I’ll sleep here.”
“Luca,” Caro said in her sweetest voice. “Only two more flights of stairs to go, come on, you can do it.”
Oh yeah? Why didn’t she offer to carry the box for me, then? One look at her skinny arms, which were about the size of mine, and I had my answer. I didn’t reply.
“Excuse me, can I get by?” asked a deep voice behind us.
“Gimme a minute,” I said, peering through both their legs, but I couldn’t make out who was standing behind them.
“I’d like to get to my apartment, if you don’t mind.”
Inwardly, I groaned. Why were students always so impatient? As if they ever actually had to be somewhere.
“Just a minute!” I scrambled to my feet clumsily as if I had just aged sixty years in the past five minutes.
“Would you mind letting me by?” The guy sounded annoyed now.
“Sure.” Caro pressed her back against the wall, leaving a narrow gap between herself and Martha. The man ducked under the bedding and squeezed himself between the two of them, then he stopped and said, “Look, we’re a sandwich!”