by Ute Jackle
Moaning loudly and achingly, the girl pressed herself over and over against him while Ben gave her what she was hungering for. All of a sudden, I felt as if I had accidentally stumbled across a late-night program on the porn channel, and I knew that I needed to change channels as soon as possible. Yet, I couldn’t move.
And then Ben looked up, directly into my eyes, while I stood transfixed and stared. His eyes bored into mine as he moved faster inside the woman, and a predatory expression spread across his face. In his eyes flashed greed; hunger. It was then obvious to me that Ben Nowak had known the entire time that I was standing in the doorway. Flooded by hot embarrassment, I bit my lip as I turned around and fled to my room. I paced that space like a panther in a cage, desperately trying to calm down a bit. What was I thinking, walking into his room without permission? I had violated his privacy—all because of a stupid bag of snacks.
There was no way I was ever going to be able to look him in the eye again. In a flash, I darted through my room and turned the key, leaning my hot cheek against the cool wood. Why on earth hadn’t he locked his door? And why had he looked at me so strangely? Like a lion on the prowl, devouring his prey yet still unsatisfied. Ben was dangerous, and his body was so incredibly perfect. Never before had I seen such a beautiful man. I wondered if they were still going, making love all night long, lusty and passionate until dawn. Or was he as embarrassed as I was? My sense of shame just wouldn’t let go. It stuck to me like superglue, as hot waves of embarrassment surged through my body.
18
Hours later, the shame still blazed in me like a wildfire. Compared to my disgraceful behavior from last night, the incident with the condom seemed like a joke. Around midnight, I heard the apartment door click. Either Toby had come home, or Ben had lost the desire for further interaction with the blond. I decided to never leave my room again and to stay in my bed until the blackness of death graciously enveloped me. Death seemed to me the best and only way to get out of this situation. Unfortunately, I couldn’t even blame Ben for this little indiscretion. After all, I had entered his private room. I had watched him having sex. I was sure he could even get a restraining order against me for that. I would have a criminal record and be right there in the sex offender files. Branded forever.
When I noticed where my thoughts were getting to me, I swung my legs out of bed and paced again restlessly.
Then I stopped in my tracks.
Or I could deny everything. Claim that he had only imagined my presence in the heat of passion. I was sure I could convince Caro to give me an alibi. Angry at myself, I kicked my bed frame, and a sharp pain immediately shot from my big toe up to my ankle. I gritted my teeth and threw myself on the bed. Make up for it, I had to make up for it. Hadn’t I promised Ben to clean the bathroom for him?
I’ll do that!
Yes, I would go out there right now, scrub every stupid joint, and spray the tiles with window spray until everything was shiny and sparkly like at Tiffany’s.
Yeah, that was a good plan.
In a flash, I was at my bedroom door. I turned the key in slow motion and opened it a crack. Cautiously, I peeked outside, where I found everything empty to my relief. Either they were still sleeping, or both of them were out. Or Ben was going at it again with Blondie, which I was really hoping for right now. Hurrying into the kitchen, I grabbed a bucket, cleaning materials and rags, before I headed for the bathroom. Two more steps, and I would be safe again for now. I glanced over my shoulder. Thank God everything was quiet in Ben’s bedroom. Jerking open the bathroom door, I jumped inside and pulled it shut behind me. Done! I hurriedly turned the key in the lock, turned around and froze. The bucket clattered out of my hand. I wanted to escape, but had just locked myself in. Panic flooded through me, while I hoped for the Grim Reaper to get me on the spot, to spare me this humiliation. There was Ben, wearing nothing but black boxers. He stared at me in astonishment. His hair was all messy, as if he had just toweled it dry, and it looked so, so hot.
“You locked the door? Do you have something special in mind?” His sneaky grin showed off the cute dimple at the corner of his mouth.
I deflated. This must be a bad dream. “No, no, no, no, no. That was an accident. I was just going to clean the bathroom. How was I supposed to know that you’re in here? Why don’t you ever lock the door?” As my voice turned a little hysterical, my last question gave me away, as I now realized. It must have been the shock, but I had a lump in my throat. As Ben stepped closer, I pressed myself against the wall.
“Ten seconds earlier, and you’d have caught me naked.” He wasn’t the least bit embarrassed.
“I would have closed my eyes,” I hastily reassured him while groping for the key behind my back. His muscles bulged a little on his chest, but not too big. He just seemed really fit and well-defined. And now I could decipher his tattoo. It said Guilt and Atonement in intricate lettering with the barbed wire coiling around it, right over his heart. I swallowed. His scent reached my nose. He smelled freshly showered, like a sporty shower gel, and to my dismay my body responded very powerfully. It took all my willpower not to run my fingers down his athletic arms. If he had ripped off my clothes right then, I wouldn’t have resisted.
“Did you enjoy the little show last night?” he asked in a dark voice.
Unfortunately, my treacherous cheeks blushed. “I... I’m really sorry about that. I just wanted to ask you something, and didn’t mean to…”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind an audience.” He shrugged and laughed. “But I bet you were too embarrassed to sleep a wink.”
I was done feeling guilty. He obviously thought I was uptight. “Just for your information, I’ve seen two people having sex before. You’re not the first, and let me tell you something else; your performance wasn’t that impressive anyway.” That was clearly a lie, both of them, and I prayed that he wouldn’t be able to read it on my face.
Ben seemed amused. “Oh, that’s right. I forgot all about the porn movie.”
Crap. I hadn’t even been thinking about that. The guy had the memory of an elephant.
“So what? I watched a porn film once, big deal. Why don’t you call your pal and tell him that too, you snitch?”
Of course, he laughed. No surprise there.
“Why don’t you ever have one?” he suddenly asked.
“One what?”
“A one-night stand. An orgasm every now and then would do you good. Why are you so uptight about sex? Or rather, why do you deny yourself the pleasure?”
“I don’t deny myself anything.” I was gasping for breath. “I just prefer to make love with someone I care about. Besides, I have no need to be used as a punching bag for some guy’s urges.”
Ben snorted. “Is that really how you see it?”
“Yes, or are you trying to tell me that you care about any of your playmates? That you’re not just using them to get your kicks?”
“Trust me, they have a good time too. Believe it or not, there are women who enjoy sex.” He leaned over and propped one arm against the wall. “I agree with you on one thing though. I don’t care about the women I meet, but I respect them, as women and as people.”
As I gazed into his beautiful, black-blue eyes, which conveyed something special to his face. I could easily imagine how women sank into this dark ocean when they met him. His aura, his dominant yet gentle charisma, his mixture of wickedness and passion, all made him fatally irresistible to me. This could only be a moment of weakness. “And that’s enough for you?” I asked in a low voice, secretly hoping he would pull me into his arms like Rhett Butler did Scarlett O’Hara, but instead he straightened up again.
“What do you mean?”
“A different one every night, constantly on the prowl, random acquaintances, never really being with anyone.” I was trembling. Right now, the wolf in him made my knees weak.
Ben stared at the wall behind me, my words seemed to hit him hard. Why though? Then he focused on me again. “What about you? Yo
u let your old boyfriend screw you over from top to bottom, and the guy didn’t respect you for a single moment. He cheated on you and treated you really badly. But I bet that was entirely different, right? Because you were in a relationship and all that, somehow that’s okay. I’m so sick of this hypocrisy.” He reached behind me, and I flinched as his hand brushed my waist. I heard him unlock the door, and felt a pang of disappointment when he made no further move to touch me. Yet his reproachful words cut into my chest like a scalpel.
“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to judge you, I really didn’t,” I stammered and honestly meant what I said.
Suddenly, he looked straight into my eyes, and I had a hard time holding his intense gaze.
“Don’t let someone like me talk you into anything. You’re doing the right thing. May I get dressed now? I’m late for my shift.”
“Sure.” I squeezed out the door he held open for me.
19
The time for my date was inevitably approaching. What was I getting myself into? I truly hoped I hadn’t raised any expectations with Martin. After all, he was a grown man, even if that was sometimes hard to believe. He had to know that an innocent date meant nothing. Despite my big mouth in front of Rhashmi, Martin was just not my type. What could I do? To make matters worse, Rhashmi had sent a text wishing us lovebirds an unforgettable evening. She totally deserved Erdie, and I thought about writing back just to let her know that he had asked about her. Let the chips fall where they may.
Feeling thirsty, I got up from my desk to fetch a can of prosecco from the kitchen. Ben wasn’t home. I had scouted that out when I came in, so I could move freely around the apartment.
My favorite roommate was in the kitchen, reading a book and sipping a beer. He smiled when I came in, which was a nice change. Ben never bothered to smile when we bumped into each other.
“Hey, Luca. What’s up?”
“Not much.” I took a can of prosecco from the fridge that hissed when I opened it, and popped in a straw.
Toby shot me a questioning look. “What’s wrong with you? Wine in the afternoon?”
I waved him off. “I have a thing tonight.”
“A thing?”
I sat down next to him. After a few sips from the can, the bubbles went straight to my nose and made it tingle, like I was about to sneeze. I twitched my nose to get rid of the unpleasant feeling.
“A date. A guy asked me out to dinner.”
He clinked his bottle to my can. “And you don’t really want to, right?”
I looked him in the eye. “No. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but he’s absolutely not my type at all, and now I feel bad that I accepted his invitation.”
“Why did you accept it?”
“He blindsided me.”
Toby shook his head. “Oh, Luca.”
“What?” I crossed my arms. “It happens.”
“It’s never happened to me before.” He seemed amused. Great.
“What do I do now?”
“Tell him the truth,” he suggested, which I dismissed immediately.
“Maybe he’s not even interested, and I’m reading too much into it?”
“Any guy who asks a girl out is interested in her. If he just wanted to chat, he could always go out with his buddies.”
“Hey, I’m great to hang out with.” How could Toby be so cruel? Lost in thought, I sucked at my straw. “Maybe I’m a buddy for him.”
Instead of answering, he laughed and ran his fingers through his dark blond hair. Whenever he smiled boyishly like that, I always wanted to pull him towards me and cuddle him like a teddy bear. Ellen was such a lucky girl.
“Just be real with him, and let him down easy. It’s important not to send out any mixed signals, or he’ll get his hopes up. Afterwards, though, you might want to put some distance between the two of you.”
Distance?! Why? How could I possibly put some distance between Martin and myself when we had so many classes together and were in the same study group?
“We could just pretend nothing ever happened,” I said, but he shook his head.
“Turning a guy down can get really ugly. It’s better to stay out of each other’s way for a while.”
Was he speaking from experience? Crap, I’d hoped it would be easier to pull out of a date. Why did men have to make everything so complicated? “Where’s Ellen?” I asked, moving on from the awkward subject.
“In New York.”
My poor roommate seemed depressed. I felt bad for him.
“I thought you were a model too. Why don’t you ever travel?”
“I only do local shootings or get booked during the holidays. I’d rather focus on finishing my degree.”
That was smart. But something seemed to be bothering him, worry lines marked his normally smooth forehead. “Are you all right?” I asked carefully.
He snorted. “It’s Ellen.”
“What’s the matter with her?” I held my breath. They weren’t going to...
“My parents are celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary on Sunday and they invited her. But instead she had to take this stupid, last-minute catwalk job in New York and won’t be back until Wednesday. I really wanted her to go with me, but she just took off.”
“Oh, that’s unfortunate.” Why hadn’t Ellen done him this little favor?
“I think she has a problem with my parents being happily married while her alcoholic dad left years ago.”
“But that’s not your fault.”
“Still, she keeps blaming me, saying I don’t understand her problems. Just because my parents aren’t divorced doesn’t mean I can’t put myself in her shoes.” He got up, went to the fridge, and came back with another beer and can of prosecco.
“Thanks.” I opened the can, spraying liquid across the table. “My mother died when I was six. I was jealous of my friends and angry that it was my mom who was gone. I was so frustrated that I stopped playing with my friends, just to punish them.” I swallowed. I usually didn’t speak about my mother dying since I didn’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. The only one I talked to about her was Caro. “It was only much later that I realized those people weren’t to blame for my mother getting sick. I had punished them for something that wasn’t their fault. However, it took a long time for me to get to that point.”
Toby considered my words for a moment. “You mean she blames herself that he ran away?”
“I have no idea. There are many reasons why people bury themselves in their work or only hurt the ones they love. Even still today, it hurts when I see my friends with their mothers. It always reminds me that my mom will never know who I’ve become.”
Toby patted my arm. “I’m sure she looks down on you from up there and sees exactly what you’re up to.”
Almost choking on my prosecco, I squawked, “Oh God, no. That would be terrible.”
We both burst out laughing. It felt nice to laugh, it was good for both of us.
“All right. I won’t blame Ellen on Wednesday,” he promised generously. “Instead, I’ll talk to her and see if I can support my girl in any way.”
I emptied the rest of my can in one gulp. “You do that. I’m sure that’ll make her happy.” I got up slowly and hesitated for a second, my head was spinning from the bubbly. “I’ll jump in the shower and get ready for my date.”
“Good luck,” Toby laughed “Luca?”
I turned around. “Yes?”
“You’re a good buddy.”
“You too,” I replied, delighted with his compliment. I wanted someone just like him, a Toby who cared about me and made my every wish come true. Why were the best ones always taken?
20
At six-thirty sharp, I found myself back at the kitchen table drinking more prosecco. I was wearing jeans and a baggy black sweater that hid all my curves. The walk to campus took less than fifteen minutes, so I had some time for more liquid courage, which would also hopefully flush away my frustration.
But no such luck—the
front door opened, and Ben walked in. He was wearing light gray workout gear, and had dark sweat stains across his chest and under his armpits. His hair was fuzzy and damp, a few strands stuck to his forehead, yet he showed no signs of exhaustion whatsoever; as I would have. Refreshed and in high spirits, he headed straight for the kitchen. He faltered for the blink of an eye when he spotted me, and a broad smile spread across his lips. I immediately became suspicious. What did that mean?
“Solo drinking?” He poured water into a glass before he sat down beside me without being invited.
Normally, my flight instinct would have kicked in by now, but tonight I found his proximity somehow pleasant. What was wrong with me? Probably I was just too bummed out about my imminent date to let him upset me.
“Just a little sip. I’m going out.”
“You’re pregaming? Looks like you’ve got a lot going on tonight.”
“Nothing special,” I quickly tried to brush him off. Ben was not to know about this disastrous date—under no circumstances! He smelled of fresh sweat mixed with a whiff of laundry detergent. I took a deep breath as inconspicuously as possible. Heaven forbid he noticed me sniffing at him. My body soaked up his scent, whereupon my heart fell into a restless rhythm. Reluctantly, I had to admit to myself that I liked the way he smelled. My gaze fell on his neck. His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed, and the skin there seemed delicate.