And I’d be a bigger Goddamn fool than what I just spewed out of my mouth if I were to let her walk out of here without figuring out this slow-burning spark ignited between us.
I should have sat down and talked to her about it. Explained that I’m not trying to confuse her or take advantage of her in any way. I want this woman in my life. I’ll wait for her as long as it takes. Because I’ve never wanted a woman who has started out as my friend to grow into something more. It has nothing to do with wanting to help her out. Not anymore. It has everything to do with not wanting to let this woman who has so much to give walk out of my life.
It will break me down if she never reciprocates my growing feelings for her. That shit doesn’t matter. It’s about principles. The fact that I have the means to help her. To solve her problem for her. The rest she needs to figure out on her own.
11
Amelia
“That’s right. You both heard me. It just so happens I know a certain someone who could use a secretary and a roommate,” Zeke says with more authority than I’m used to hearing coming from his mouth. I think someone has just struck me dumb. I can’t quite possibly be sitting here hearing what I think I am. Can I?
My gaze travels to his mouth. The same beautiful mouth I can’t seem to erase from my mind. He’s all I think about. All I see, besides the voice in my head telling me it’s time to take another step forward. To erase my past and do right by me. Could this be what’s right?
I woke up this morning with an extra pep in my step. Determined to take Ronan up on his offer of letting me rent a room from his older sister, Renee. I’ve spent more time with her than anyone else in here over the past few months, and she has become more of a mother to me than my own.
She’s helped me in ways I can never pay her back. She listens. She cares and gives you advice without demanding you take it.
It’s the same way Zeke, Ronan, Zoe, and everyone else in here has. Renee works here. In the kitchen, preparing our meals. Making cakes for birthdays and special occasions. I’ve learned how to cook, bake, and use my talent for painting on decorating cakes, cookies, and anything else that requires a steady hand; and here he is storming into my thoughts that I’ve kept to myself up until now as if he knew I was ready to get out of here. As if he sensed I needed help once again.
“I’m not good with interacting with people, Zeke. Hell, I’m not all the way there with being good with myself. I can’t be someone’s secretary. Let alone move in with someone I don’t know,” I answer meekly. Even though my brain is screaming for me to jump up and say yes.
“That’s not true. You opened right up to me. To Ronan, to everyone else here. You’ve opened up to yourself. Besides, you wouldn’t be working in the public much at all. You’d be working for me.”
“What?” I say again. Angrily this time. The lock clicks in place and my mind travels back to all those years ago when the door would creak open, quietly shut, and that dreaded noise of the lock would pop into place. There is no way he would do this to me. He would not spend all this money, this time, to trap me somewhere and take. I can’t allow my mind to go there.
Not with the two of them watching me like a hawk ready to swoop down and attack as they wait out my startled reaction. I tame my thoughts. Stuff them in the back of my head until I’m alone. I may be over the largest hump of the devastation that put me here, but I’m in no way where I want to be in my life. My mind still takes off in a wild crazy sprint at any given time. The triggers are real and alive. They always catch me right before I wake up. My nightmares are happening less and less, but the ones I do have are as real as if I were being abused all over again. Not to mention these strange feelings I have nowhere to hide from when I think of Zeke.
The man does something to me. He makes me want things I used to think of when I was a little girl. He makes me want to fall so hard for someone. To have a man kiss me, hold me, and tell me everything is going to be all right. That together we will make it through anything. Even when the times become rough.
My insides jump, and I close my eyes to gain my composure back before the demons inside of me strip me bare.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to speak to her about this alone, Ronan.” Zeke’s deep voice sets my soul on fire. It scares me, too. Not in the way men have before. It scares my heart. It’s pounding so hard one would think I’m having a heart attack.
He’s so soft spoken. So sincere yet sure and confident in the way he speaks and moves. Not at all like the men I grew up with. I know this about him. He would never do anything to hurt me. I have to continue to believe. To trust him. I’m scared. Utterly frightened that I’ll slip. I’ve come so far. Shared so many dreams with Renee and Zoe that one tiny little step backward will mess me up. It could spiral me in the wrong direction.
God help me, please. I have a choice. My mind tells me. A choice to say no. A choice to say yes. Please give me the direction.
I wait for the door to click shut. It doesn’t, which gives me a sense of relief in knowing Ronan knows I hate being shut in behind a closed door. One that I don’t close and lock myself. It’s a habit I’ve grown accustomed to, since there aren’t any doors or locks on any of the rooms I go into except those here in the office, and I’ll only go in there with Renee or Zoe.
“Bluebird, open your eyes, please?” God. His voice sends chills down my arms. They pucker and tingle. A new sensation. A new feeling to let me know I’m alive.
I have no idea if I do; all I know for sure is, I’m shaking my head. Zeke and I are only beginning a friendship that means more to me than even I can comprehend, and he wants something from me. I know he does.
“Why do you call me that?” I should be asking him what he wants from me. Instead, I find myself asking him about the bird I’ve searched on the Internet.
He chuckles, and I gasp. He’s sitting close to me. His eyes right there in my line of sight. They shine brightly. No dark, shadowy evil behind them. Sincerity. I see it everywhere across his features. From the creases across his forehead that spread to the top of his head. He really believes I can do this.
I’m trembling.
“Your eyes. They remind me of the color of those birds. Some days, they’re almost violet. Bluebirds are becoming rarer every year, Amelia. When you see one, you can’t help but stop and stare. They see the world. The good and the bad. And when you watch them, wait patiently for them to spread their wings and fly, you want to fly with them, too. To see what they see and what they don’t.”
Oh. My. God. That is the most beautiful thing I have heard.
This man cannot be real. A woman like me does not have a man of his stature wanting to bring her into his home. God. This is unreal.
“Zeke. I’m a mess. We barely know each other. There are things about my past that I’ve shared with very few people. The way you're looking at me right now, in a way I don’t understand. I would feel shameful if I told you the things I’ve done. The things that have happened to me. You’ve done so much for me already. This, it’s too much. I need to make it on my own. Stop accepting handouts. I’ll never get better if I don’t spread my wings and fly on my own.”
His vision roams back and forth between mine and the art on Ronan’s office walls. I can read them as clearly as I see my life has changed. They are filled with the knowledge that he knows this and he’ll do everything in his power to permit me to fly on my own.
“Amelia, you need to listen to me. I’m not here to take anything away from you. I’m here to do something I feel is right. There isn’t any shame or blame in taking someone’s help. Your past, it has nothing to do with the here and now. At least not with the conversation we're having. I would never push you or take advantage of you. I’m not wired that way. I give because I can. I do because I want to; and I’m looking at you this way, because to me, there is more beauty on the inside of you than on the outside. You just need to allow her to come out. Now, don’t get me wrong.” He chuckles again, and I giggle, causing hi
s brows to quirk up. “I think you are one stunning-looking woman on the outside. But a person’s outside is as ugly as whatever it was that brought you to live on the streets in the first place. If their insides aren’t beautiful, then the way they look on the outside doesn’t mean a damn thing. At least not to me, and you, Bluebird, are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I retract my earlier statement. That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
I stare softly at him. My emotions are running a tight race with my mind to see which one will win. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been fearful of men my whole life. Look at how long it took me to warm up to Ronan?
“I’m not moving in with you until I’ll tell you something. Then you think about it and decide if the person you believe me to be is a person you want living with you. I’m an addict, Zeke. Not only to drugs.” I bite my lip as tears are blurring my vision, and like the coward I used to be, my head wants to drop down, so he doesn’t see me.
Choices.
“I’m listening. Go on, please.” He is so polite. A real gentleman. And yet, I see a part of him, too, that’s hidden behind the bright irises of his eyes. He’s used to being in control. Getting what he wants. And he’s giving these things up for me.
“When I first admitted to myself and then to Ronan about the things I did in order to get my high, I was ashamed. I still am. Sitting here telling you, I’m not only ashamed. I’m remorseful, mortified, and now I’m feeling something inside of me I don’t have a description for. Out of the goodness of your heart you’ve done more for me than my own mother ever has. I…” I pause. I remember Ronan telling me after I apologized that actions don’t always speak louder than words. Not if the two of them are meant to work together. I’m not going to hold back my tears with him or with anyone else. I have every right to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I’m human. I breathe the same air as he does.
“I let men take whatever they wanted from me in order to get my hands on drugs. I begged them to let me do things to them that were morally wrong. To use me up and toss me right back on the streets. I didn’t care as long as I had those drugs in my hand when they were done. Is that the kind of woman you want in your house? In your office? Around a hospital where, if I slip, you might catch me on my hands and knees begging anyone to give me what I think I need?”
I study his reaction intently. He doesn’t look away, doesn’t move an inch. He simply mocks my gaze. I feel his eyes on me everywhere. Naked and wide open in front of a man who could easily crush me if his opinion of me changed. I care about him. It frightens me to the thumping center of my chest.
“I’m not an addict. I can’t begin to imagine what kind of life you’ve led, Amelia. As a man, as a doctor, I know for a fact that what you just told me wasn’t easy for you. You're going to slip, want to fall, and there will be days and nights when you will do everything you can to convince yourself that just one taste of the life you’ve left behind is all it will take to ease the pain. I can’t be with you twenty-four hours of the day to make sure that doesn’t happen. No one can. You have to trust me and trust yourself to take one day at a time. One hour, one minute if we have to. I’m never going to judge you or lie to you. I can get by without a full-time secretary until you feel you are ready. I can’t get by without you. I’m not asking you to move in with me and share my bed. I’m not. I’ll give you your own room, space, and time to move forward on your own.”
Silence lingers between us, and I know I’m not done dropping everything on him. Not even close. Zeke is a protector, and when he finds out what started this tumble into hell, he’s liable to spit nails into the wall behind me. My fingers race up and down my thighs needing to be busy, using up the empty pit of energy. This is the hardest part to admit.
“There’s more, Zeke. I wasn’t born an addict. It was never my life goal to be a whore begging for drugs. I had dreams and goals once. But it all ended when my stepdad and his son raped me on a nightly basis. My own mother turned the other way. They tore me apart, shattered my soul, and ripped my own beating heart out from my chest. I wanted it to stop. Something inside of me snapped, and I ran. Not once looking back. The streets became my home, because I had no money, no family, no friends to help me. I was a young woman with a roof over her head, food, and clothes. But my mind, my body, they weren’t my own. And then I realized in order to stay alive I had to think like the rats do. I had to eat garbage, beg, and steal. But my mind, it never stopped running away from them. They were there, chasing me in the dark, finding me in the light. I needed to be numb, so it all began one night with smoking weed; it escalated from there. Drugs did that for me and sex was the payment I gave them.” I pause gulping for oxygen to continue on.
Zeke hasn’t flinched once during the whole story. He remains quiet and calm with an understanding stance that if I had to guess is what makes him such a good doctor. I mean, it’s obvious he’s good at what he does. Look at what he did for me. He saved my life.
“I’m not ready to work in a hospital. That would be too much for me. I’m also not willing to be a charity case. Moving in with you and having everything handed to me would put me in a situation where it would all be too easy to fall back into old habits. I’m appreciative of everything. I wouldn’t be breathing if it weren’t for you. But this, I need to do on my own. Everyone has already done so much for me. I feel indebted up to my eyeballs.”
I’m thankful Zeke immediately starts speaking after the bombshell I just dropped on him, since I really don’t think I can spill my guts out anymore. They’re churning and it hurts.
“Well, your eyeballs are stunning.” He laughs, and I smile.
“Seriously, Amelia. You are incredibly strong. I would never do anything to bring you harm. I’m a man of my word. A man who would never take anything that doesn’t belong to him.”
My name slips from his tongue elegantly and smoothly, offering me comfort. That, too, is new to me. All of this is. There’s no judgment in his caring eyes. No void stare, no lies coming from his mouth. Just a friend who wants to help me. Except, if I'm honest with him, then I should be honest with myself as well. Zeke is becoming more than a friend to me, and that feeling of self-doubt, insecurity, and the fact I’m not good enough for him are winning the race. I’m finally coming full circle to being alive.
12
Zeke
“Thank you. Thank you for being upfront and honest. I know it can’t be easy telling me all of that. You also need to understand that everyone on God’s green earth has their own skeletons in their closet. We all have monsters that haunt us.” I stop. My mind drifting to Clara. God, she would have loved Amelia and the strength behind her very existence. I’m speaking from experience here, and she seems to sense it. Today isn’t about me. It’s about her. “As far as paying me back. You need to get that shit out of your head right now. I’m not taking anything from you that you're not willing to give. I know the woman inside of you who’s screaming to get out. Let me guide her. The rest of the way is up to you.”
My words must sink in somewhere as I watch her tense shoulders relax.
“I still can’t move in and live off you. I need a purpose in life, something to keep me busy.” God. I adore her. The first woman I want to give everything to and she wants to earn it on her own. I knew she was special, unique. I just didn’t realize how much. Not until now.
“Funny that you brought up charity case, because currently, I’m in the middle of juggling a huge fundraiser for a charity ball that’s scheduled to take place on November first. I’m also manning my department at the hospital and spending time with a good friend. Oh, I’m doing all of this without a secretary as well.” I shoot her a sly grin.
She bursts out in laughter. It’s one of the most intoxicatingly beautiful laughs I’ve heard in my life. A woman who deserves everything, who hasn’t had a chance to live, should be laughing daily. Doing the things she enjoys. I know I’m putting pressure on her when that’s not my intention at all. With everything sh
e’s been through, I have no doubt in my mind that Amelia can handle it. She’ll do what’s right for her, and to me, that’s all I want. No matter if my heart is begging that someday our friendship turns to more.
“Are you trying to guilt trip me here, Zeke?” she says playfully.
“Maybe.” I quirk up a brow. “Honestly, Amelia, let me lay it out like I should’ve when I busted in here. That’s on me, and I should’ve approached this differently. I was hoping it would come out during one of our basketball games.”
“Oh, the ones where I kick your ass?” she interrupts. I’ll give her credit. She’s good. I’m better. That’s something I’ll keep to myself. Watching her smile whenever she sinks a ball is something I simply can’t resist.
“Yes, those.” We both share a smile that tugs us even closer without moving. “I have a four-bedroom house in a suburb close to downtown LA. I spend the majority of time at work. There’s plenty of space for a roommate. I’d like you to move in with me. I need help organizing the charity ball. Actually, I need a shit ton of help. It would be equivalent to a full-time job. I can deduct rent from your salary. Offer you insurance. Vacations. It’s a job, Amelia. Nothing more. There will be no handouts if that’s what you chose. Your time will be occupied with work, leaving you plenty of time also to attend meetings and brush up on your basketball skills or whatever other hobby you’d like.” Her eyes go wide when I mention hobby. She’s holding something out on me. Something she loves to do.
“Why me?” she asks, confusion tearing her down.
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