Blank Canvas

by Coopmans, Kathy

  I stare down at my hands fighting everything inside of me. It’s not my oath, breaking the law, or even my conscience that makes the decision for me. It’s a pair of piercing blue eyes who stormed into my life and breathed air back into me. I refuse to take any of the poison from Amelia’s past back to her, and that’s exactly what my bloody knuckles would do. I need to get the hell out of here before I get sick.

  “No fucking mercy.” I nod to Saxon and then stroll down the alley back to my car.

  * * *

  I wake in a cold sweat. My body drenched.

  “Christ,” I bark out. Still dazed from tossing and turning all night. Finally falling to sleep with visions of seeing Amelia barely hanging on in that alley. Fuck the guilt I thought would shed me raw over knowing the guys were going to brutally kill the scum that deserved to die. Fuck the guilt of me knowing deep in my gut I should have helped the man instead of spewing how I felt. Fuck it all.

  The only guilt I’m feeling right now as I climb out of bed and make my way to take a shower is the guilt of knowing I have to keep this from Amelia. There is no way in hell she can find out about this or what I want to be done to the men who started it all.

  I crank on the shower, reach for my watch, and see I have about an hour before Amelia said she’d be home. Plenty of time to decompress myself, pull my shit together, and figure out how in the hell I’m going to approach her regarding her family. I may as well keep the anguish going. Get it all out so I can start erasing the last bit of guilt inside of me. It’s the constant guilt of not going to her when I first felt her eyes on me when she was hidden in the dark shadows of the alley she lived in. If I had, then none of this would have happened. Those men would still be alive. Their blood wouldn’t be on my hands as much as it is on Saxon’s. On Katch’s. On Curtis’.

  “Goddamnit!” I roar. The sting of the hot water scalding my back.

  “Zeke. Are you okay?”

  Fuck. She’s early. Son of a bitch.

  “Yeah. I had the water too hot,” I lie. It wasn’t hot enough.

  “Mind if I join you?” She stands outside of the shower, her hair a matted-up mess. Makeup smeared under her eyes and naked. She has never looked more beautiful than she does right now. My tortured eyes go wide. They cloud over with a cure that only she can give me. God, she is beautiful. Every inch of her.

  “Come here, Bluebird.” I open my arms.

  The minute she walks in and her body smashes into mine, I see the light. No more regrets. They deserved what they got. End of fucking story.

  “You're home early.” I kiss the top of her head. Let her go and lean my head back under the spray of water.

  “Renee had some errands to run. I knew you were off work, so I thought we could spend the day together. Unless my boss demands me to work.” She giggles, and it’s music to my ears. She’s happy, and what I’m about to ask her will crack the new foundation she’s built. It’s barely had time to dry.

  “Nah. You can take the day off.” I grab the soap, lather my hands, and run them across her breast. Focusing on the nipple that unless you're looking up close, you would never tell it’s not hers.

  “You sure you're okay?” Fuck, no. I’m not. I’m trying to figure out if I should ask you now or wait.

  “We’ve talked about a lot of things. I feel as if you know me better than anyone.” I gulp, still keeping my eyes trained on her nipple. I can’t look at her. The guilt is back.

  “What’s going on, Zeke?” Her scared tone has me gripping hold of my balls and jerking my head up to meet her eyes. She looks scared. I can’t sugarcoat this for her. A part of me knows I’m going to intentionally hurt her for my own selfish reasons.

  “I want you to tell me about your family. Your childhood. Where you grew up. Where did you live before you left? Your mom. Do you miss her? What if she’s not married anymore? What if is she’s out looking for you? I have all kinds of questions, Amelia.”

  She takes a step back. Her body starts to shake. Goose bumps trail across her skin.

  “What? I don’t want to talk about my family. They aren’t even my family anymore. My mother…she hasn’t been one since she married that bastard. I told you all of this. I’ve worked hard to forget them, and you want me to talk about them? What kind of sick joke are you playing with me? Did you use me, fix me just to fuck me back up again? Oh, my God. You did. I have to get out of here!” she screams. It’s so loud that if I didn’t know better, I would swear it rattles the tiled walls that surround us.

  “No. You can’t walk away from this. From us. I’m not using you. For crying out loud, Amelia. I love you. I just need to know. I need to know who they are.” I reach for her, but she’s quick. She slips out and skids across the floor, dropping to her knees, and the sight before me is twice as damaging to my heart than the way I found her in the alley.

  “Don’t you touch me. You… you don’t understand. Why? Why do you need to know? Does my past taint me that much? Is it as freshly painted across my face as the paintings I’ve been working on? Is that it? They broke me. Stole my fucking life from me, Zeke. They’re the ones to blame for my addictions. Them, not me. They drove me there. Took and took until I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t sleep, eat, or barely get up to go to school. And my mom. Good old Faith Clarkston made me do all those things. She knew her own daughter was drowning, and she left me there to try and paddle my way to shore. I hate you for this.”

  It isn’t lost on me that she just gave me a name. I don’t give a fuck about that anymore. Not when she’s falling apart right before my very eyes. Her entire body convulses. She starts scratching at her skin. Rocking back and forth and lost in her own mind. Fuck me. I will never forgive myself for this. Someone, anyone can come and kill me now. Blow my brains out of my head. Stab me over and over with a jagged dagger, because that’s what I’ve done to the only woman I’ve ever loved.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have said anything. I just…I want them to pay for what they’ve done to you. Give me your hands.” I drop down in front of her. Grabbing her hands, but she fights me. Our wet bodies are sliding across the floor.

  “You want them to pay? I want them dead. Do you know what else I want? I want to feel the rush of drugs pumping through my veins. I want some guy I don’t even know to fuck my brains out just to get them out of my mind. I want to feel my flesh crawling off my bones. To feel nothing. I want to feel absolutely nothing, because you are making me remember to curb your curiosity.” She stuns me by cold-clocking me in the jaw.

  I shake my blurred vision and the things she has said. I’ve caused her to relapse. To go back in time. Within that one tiny fraction of a second, she is up off the floor and running. I’m quick to get up to chase after her. But fucking hell if fate doesn’t have something else in store for me. Testing the boundaries of what we share.

  I fall on my ass and watch the woman I love grab a handful of clothes and disappear. Quickly, I yank a towel from the rack and sprint toward her. She’s managed to get all her clothes on while stuffing shit in a bag.

  “Amelia.”

  She stills but doesn’t turn around to me.

  “Please.” I step forward placing my hand on her shoulder.

  This gets her attention. Amelia whirls around with fire in her eyes.

  “Don’t fucking touch me, Zeke,” she spits out. “You pushed, I crumbled. Are you fucking happy?”

  Fuck, no, I’m not happy. I’m frozen stupid.

  The next words to leave her mouth leave me shattered.

  “Or am I just strong enough now to give you a real good fight while you rape me?”

  I throw my hands up in the air, stepping back. “Amelia, are you fucking kidding me right now? Do you realize what the hell you just said? I would never hurt you in that way. Never take from you something you didn’t want to give. I want justice for you. Actually, I fucking demand it. I need information, names, places, and dates to track them down. I do not want those fucking bast
ards living another day on the same planet as you.”

  She wildly swipes at the tears flowing down her face with the back of her hand. “Game over, Zeke. I’ll never be anybody’s fool again.” Jesus Christ. There is no reasoning with her over this. She’s obviously not thinking straight.

  She storms past me with her bag over her shoulder. I go to reach for her, but then remember her accusation and will never put the thought or the threat or what she has running through her head right now.

  “Amelia, stop.”

  Her strides quicken, so I’m left with one option. I race ahead of her, throwing my body between her and the front door.

  “Listen to me.” My voice comes out harsher than I intended. “You are not leaving.”

  Amelia cowers back with signs of another freak-out etched all over her face, so I rush out the rest of the words. “I’ll leave. Give a minute to get dressed, and I’m gone. You are not going back out on the streets.”

  She doesn’t respond, but I see her trembling lips and shaking body ease up a bit.

  “I promise to leave. I’ll pack a bag and go, but only if you promise that you stay here, safe, and call Renee or Ronan. That’s the deal, Amelia. Please take it.”

  She responds with a slight nod.

  “Need words, Amelia.”

  That gains me a harsh glare from her with her head popping up. The fire is blazing in her eyes and aiming right for me, hurt flowing from her every pore. She nods one more time, not giving me her words. Instead, she reaches into her bag, pulls out a piece of paper, and shoves it into my chest. I glance down, take it in my hands.

  “Amelia.” I say, closing my eyes after seeing what she gave me.

  She says nothing. The piece of paper in my hands says it all.

  With tentative steps, I make my way back to my bedroom, rushing around getting dressed and packing a bag with exactly one change of clothes. I’ll buy whatever the fuck else I need. I refuse to let Amelia go back out on the streets with the overwhelming temptation of going right back into her dark hole.

  As I pass her old room, Amelia is curled up in a shaking ball on her bed. Her sobs racking her entire body. I plant my hand on the doorframe fighting the internal battle raging inside of me to pull her into my arms. I hate seeing her this way.

  “I’m leaving, Amelia. There’s nothing more than I want right now than to come and hold you.”

  She doesn’t roll over or even acknowledge me, but deep down I know she hears me. “I want fucking justice for you to the point of greediness. Yeah, the justice part is for me, too. There’s no greater gift I could give to you. I need you to talk about it, so I can find them. There’s no hidden agenda here, Amelia. Only one clear picture of me loving an amazing woman.”

  With that, I walk out of our house leaving the reason for living behind curled up in her own misery. I connect my phone to Bluetooth. Hitting buttons until I find the number I need. It’s ringing loudly before I pull out of the garage.

  I inhale Amelia’s scent that lingers in the car, shattering the pieces left of my heart.

  “Fuck.” I pound my hand on the steering wheel as I take off down the road.

  “Ronan, here.”

  “I’ve fucked up.”

  It’s a simple truth.

  “Zeke?” he asks.

  “Yeah. Amelia needs you. I pushed her too far trying to help her. She tried to run. I begged her to stay. There’s no way I could let her go out onto the streets. I don’t know if she’ll stay, but she’s here now. I need help, Ronan.”

  Ronan exhales loudly on the other end of the phone. “Renee’s off today. I’ll call her. I’m not capable of leaving right now. She’ll be fine, Zeke. We’ve got her.”

  “Thank you,” I mumble. Anger driving me out of my Goddamn mind. I’m not angry with her or myself. I’m angry at the people who have tormented her life. Shattered a young woman who will struggle for God knows how long. And I’m angry, because I’m not the one who will be helping her through this.

  My phone starts beeping. I reach over and shut it off. I’m grateful Ronan sensed my urgency, going straight into action. It doesn’t even come close, though, to the torture inside of me boiling to a blinding state.

  A thought occurs to me. I’m not going anywhere until I know for sure she’s safe. I slam on the brakes, place the car in reverse, stopping in front of my house to have a view of the front door.

  Amelia can’t exit the back and make it to the streets because of the towering privacy fence. The same fucking fence that’s shielded us from the world as we devoured each other’s bodies. I slam the steering wheel once again and roar with frustration. My own greedy need to kill those fuckers may just be the vice that takes her away from me forever.

  My line of vision never strays from the front door. It’s not until a black mid-size crossover pulls into my drive that I let out a baited breath. Renee hops from her car, knocks on the door only waiting for a few seconds before trying the doorknob and entering. I relax back into the leather seats with my only sliver of solace knowing she isn’t alone and her chances of turning back to the streets are slim. Renee won’t allow it. She loves Amelia too much.

  There’s something deep down inside of me screaming loud and proud that even though Amelia threatened to walk back out onto the streets, I don’t for one second believe that she wouldn't have fought for her future. She would’ve gone to a safe place or sought out friends for help. She’s been dedicated to attending meetings at the center, growing leaps and bounds each day. But there was no way in hell my woman was going to even step a foot on the streets again. Not as long as I’m still breathing.

  21

  Amelia

  The phone on my nightstand buzzes once again. I don’t need to look to see who it is. I know damn well it’s Zeke. He’s been blowing up my phone for three days now. I stopped reading the messages after the fourth one.

  Renee stayed with me for the first two nights until I convinced her I’d be okay. And I am going to be just fine. I’ve worked each day, attended a few extra meetings, and painted.

  The only major problem is that every single painting reminded me of Zeke, even the abstract ones. Each stroke of the paint brushes a haunting reminder of him. The canvases with sunsets, bluebirds, swimming pools, and watches are all his just like my heart.

  I realize now that I experienced my first brutal panic attack since leaving rehab. They warned me it would be ugly, striking fast and with violence. They were right. Nothing could’ve prepared me for it. I lost my ability to process a single thought, drowning in all of the memories. I lashed out at the person I could hurt the most. Zeke. Then I was going to run fast and very far away from him and all the memories that hit me at once. I wanted to get high, so badly it was all I thought of. It still is. Somehow, I’ve managed to push through it. Talking with Renee, having her hold me when I break down in a cold, damp sweat, her tender voice telling me that I’m stronger than the weakness and fear that wants to drag me back under. And Ronan, he’s once again left his door wide open for me to step through if needed.

  I gave Zeke my birth certificate right before he left. If he wants to find them, he has the information he needs. I know I rattled off my mother’s name during my fit. But if this is important to him, then he has the proof in his hands that the bitch is really my mother.

  “Oh, Amelia, where do thee hide?” I jump, rolling my eyes as Zoe’s high-pitched voice echoes through the house.

  The girl is strung tighter than a damn yo-yo with lower than lows then skyrocketing up into the sky the next moment. She ditched me a few times, but now she’s stuck like glue again. It’s always on the tip of my tongue to ask her what’s going on. But with my life a mess right now, I know I don’t have the strength in me to tackle whatever she has going on. I feel like a shitty friend over it.

  “Nuggets,” she squeals, flopping in the middle of my bed. “Done working?”

  I scrunch my eyes at her. “Nuggets?”

  She shrugs, running her finge
r over the Apple logo on the lid of my Mac. “It came to me. It fits you, and I ran with it.”

  “Nuggets?” I ask again. “And how in the hell does that fit me?”

  “You’re a nugget of goodness.” She pauses searching for words to back this up. “Like a nugget of sunshine. Oh, fuck it, I just wanted to call you Nuggets.” Good Lord, if I didn’t know her better, I would swear she’s the one with the drug problem. She’s acting downright crazy.

  We both erupt into a fit of laughter. The louder Zoe laughs, the harder it makes me laugh until we are full out cackling with tears rolling down our faces and our arms clutched around our stomachs. It seems all I needed was a good dumb laugh shared with a friend to ease the pressure on my chest.

  “You are too much sometimes, Zoe.”

  “Love you, too, Nuggets.” She rolls to her side, propping her head up and resting it in her palm. “You look like shit.”

  “Oh, so now she’s not only a nurse, she turned into a comedian and a charmer,” I retort.

  She shrugs. Her face going serious. “Maybe. I’m not going to skirt around the reason I’m here, Amelia. One, Robbie is pulling a double shift. Two, I miss you. And three, Zeke sent me.”

  Hearing his name spoken out loud makes me squeeze my eyes tight hoping the action will make everything disappear into thin air.

  “Open your eyes.”

  I don’t like being told what to do any more than I like hearing his name, but I open them staring angrily at my friend.

  “Here.” She hands me an envelope. “His only instructions were to make sure you read it. And if you refuse, then I’m supposed to read it to you.”