Luckily, my childhood friend and the boy that had lived next door to me my entire life was at the same college. At the time I had no clue he’d followed me there, but when he found me hovering on the brink of death in my dorm room, I was so grateful that he did. That boy was Rowdy, who was now desperately in love with my sister and building the kind of family I’d always wanted. He took care of me and then he went and took care of his teammate who was responsible for my condition. The school had a mess on their hands with the three of us, but I was so heartbroken and mortified that I packed myself up and headed back to the only thing I knew without a backward glance. I didn’t stick around to press charges like I should have and I didn’t stick around to vouch for Rowdy like I should have. Because of me he lost his scholarship, got kicked out of school, and disappeared. It was a lucky twist of fate that his path had crossed with Salem’s after so many years.
So sex, even good sex, wasn’t something that I’d had a lot of success with and there were a lot of unanswered questions that were constantly floating around in my head now that I realized I might actually want to have it again. Every time I caught sight of that ink that scrawled across Wheeler’s stomach and across the back of his neck, I wondered where it all went. I wanted to know if it dropped below the tops of his jeans and I was curious if those freckles of his stopped at the bridge of his nose. I’d never been so physically aware of the way I reacted to a man before him but I wasn’t sure I could do anything with the way he made me feel.
The counselor’s light voice jerked me away from the mental scale, where I was weighing all the things that were swirling around in my head. “You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened to you. Those choices were not yours. Your judgment is not in question. All you could do was react to the situation the best you could have, given the circumstances. You were a victim, not an accomplice.” That was a common refrain, both here and during my private sessions with my therapist. I didn’t make the choice to go with Oliver willingly when he abducted me. He’d pulled a gun on my sister and threatened to shoot her if I didn’t go with him. I did what I had to do in order to keep her safe. At the time it seemed like the only option, but now I always wondered if there was another way. If I should have been smarter, stronger … better.
I felt like I couldn’t trust myself to know if what I was doing was right, when it seemed like everything I’d done prior had been wrong. Maybe I didn’t feel like I deserved the kind of normalcy and goodness that was in my life now. Maybe, just like the teenager who was watching me closely, I was also stuck in place where I would wonder what I’d done right to deserve this new life. I didn’t feel like I’d done a single thing to earn it.
The group broke up shortly after that and my feet couldn’t move fast enough as I made my way to the little coffee shop that was on the corner down the street from the building where we met. Happy yipped at the end of his leash and danced up on his tiny hind legs as he saw me coming. My heart felt heavy and my mind was foggy with too many things to wade through, but the sight of the excited puppy and the welcoming smile from the stunning blonde who was puppy sitting did wonders towards lightening my heavy mood.
Sayer Cole was Rowdy’s older sister. I considered her something of a guardian angel and she was most definitely my mentor. The woman had been raised by a man that gave my father a run for his money when it came to emotional manipulation and cruelty, but she was now happily settled with a great man and helping him raise his son. She just happened to be Wheeler’s best friend from childhood’s woman, so I hadn’t mentioned to her that I was going by to see Wheeler after the meeting. She would tell Zeb and then everyone in our tight little circle of friends and family would know something was up and I didn’t have it in me to explain to them that they shouldn’t get their hopes up or give Wheeler shit. I had no clue what I was doing and there was a good chance I was about to crash and burn, taking Wheeler down with me.
I slid into the seat across from her, noticing her nose was a little pink from the cold. Like a lot of coffee shops in Denver this one was dog-friendly, so there was no reason for Sayer to be sitting outside.
“Why aren’t you inside? Was the puppy acting up?” As soon as I was sitting, the dog scrambled his little body against my legs demanding to be picked up. I lifted the warm, wiggling bundle into my lap and laughed when his tongue immediately attacked my chin. “Thanks for agreeing to watch him for me for the hour.”
She waved a hand and smiled at me. “I had to make a couple calls. I have a client in the middle of an ugly custody case and she needed to be talked off the ledge. I came out here to take the call. The puppy was fine. I think I should talk to Zeb about getting a dog for Hyde. Little boys should have a dog to play with.” She shivered a little and I knew it wasn’t from the cold when she muttered, “My father refused to let me have a pet. I wanted one so bad after my mom died. I was so alone in that house with him. I think a pet would have saved my sanity.”
I made a noise in my throat and buried my face in the puppy’s scruff. “Same. My dad said they were dirty and that we didn’t do a good enough job cleaning the house as it was. It was bullshit. My mom scrubbed that place on her hands and knees every single day. He just didn’t want us to have something that we wanted.” I sighed. “It’s probably a good thing we didn’t have a pet. He would have used it against us to get his way.”
Sayer nodded solemnly. “Same.” She smiled at me and changed the subject. “I’m picking up dinner for my boys on the way home, do you want to join us? Hyde would love a chance to get his hands on that little guy.” She pointed at the dog I was cuddling.
I shifted my gaze away from her and let out a little groan. So much for keeping the fact that I was planning on seeing Wheeler secret. If I told her I had plans she would think I was regressing and avoiding spending time with other people, and I didn’t want that. She’d offered me shelter when I needed it and her gentle giant of a man was one of the main reasons I’d convinced myself to go back to work and forced myself back into society. I saw the way he was with Sayer, watched him break down her walls and build her back up. I realized I couldn’t hide myself away forever, because when someone that came along that really wanted in, nothing would keep them out.
“I have plans tonight. Maybe another night this week I can come over with the puppy.” I couldn’t meet her gaze as she froze and blinked at me like an owl.
“You have plans?” She sounded stunned and I couldn’t blame her. I’d hidden myself away for so long that I understood her surprise.
“Yeah. I uh … actually got the puppy for Wheeler to help him through his breakup. He was house-sitting for Dixie when all of that started to go down, so I inadvertently ended up with a front-row seat to all the carnage. I told him I would help him train Happy until he was ready to be left on his own. I’m taking the puppy over to his place and having dinner with him.” The words sounded weird as I said them. It’d been such a long time since I’d planned a normal evening like that. I didn’t really know what to do with it, and clearly neither did Sayer. She kept staring at me like I had sprouted horns.
“You’re having dinner with … Wheeler? Just the two of you?” She blinked slowly and tilted her head to the side. “Well … that’s surprising. I didn’t even know you knew him.”
I cleared my throat and shifted on my chair uneasily. I hated being put on the spot. “He sold me the Camry a while ago and then he was next door a lot when Dixie was in Mississippi. Our paths kept crossing.” I shrugged a shoulder. “I guess I got used to him somewhere along the way.”
Her lips twitched slightly and her blue eyes sparkled with humor. “You got used to him?”
I nodded a little and lifted my eyebrows at her. “Yeah. Why?”
She laughed and shook her head. “Nothing, you just might not want to mention that to Rowdy. You know the guy you grew up with. The one who would die for you, the one who will move heaven and earth for you. The guy who you also still flinch around, the guy who you still struggle
to hug back, the guy who you can’t look in the eye half the time, the guy you cancel on at least once a month when the two of you made plans. I think it might hurt his feelings if he knows you’re making plans with another man when you still have a difficult time being alone with him.” Rowdy was her little brother; of course she would immediately think about how hard it was for me to be around him and how deeply that hurt him.
I peeked at her over the top of Happy’s head. “Wheeler hasn’t seen me at the lowest points in my life. Rowdy has.” He was there to pick me up after the college jock destroyed me and when Oliver nearly killed me. “I love him, but that can be hard.” Especially when I was trying to be anyone but that girl.
Her smile faltered and all her teasing stopped. A serious look took over the mirth in her eyes and sympathetic understanding colored her tone when she told me, “I get that. I’m glad you found someone you’re comfortable spending time with outside of family. Zeb has known Wheeler since they were kids. He went out of his way to give Zeb something to focus on when he got out of prison and he looked after his mom and his sister while he was locked up. By all accounts Hudson is a good guy and you couldn’t have picked anyone better to get involved with.”
“Whoa …” I held up a hand and leaned back in the chair. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Say. We aren’t involved. He just broke off his engagement and that’s not even the start of how complicated it is. He’s nice to me and doesn’t treat me like I’m going to shatter, even though it’s obvious I might. I wanted to do something nice for him, and he needs my help. That’s all.”
She hummed a little and pushed a strand of platinum-blond hair off of her forehead. “I would agree that it was something simple if I didn’t know you, Poppy. You got him a dog and you agreed to have dinner alone with him. Those aren’t baby steps, love, those are leaps and bounds.”
I groaned again and squeezed my eyes shut. “Did you know his ex is pregnant?”
Sayer was one of the few people in Denver that knew about my baby, and the only reason she did was because she had been there when Salem and Rowdy shared their happy news about my impending niece or nephew with us. She held me together when I felt like I was going to fall apart. I was happy for my sister but I couldn’t deny the burn in my heart when I thought of everything I had lost. I should have a six-year-old at home, a child that was the love of my life. Instead, all I had was a dead husband, a cargo hold full of baggage, and the kind of nightmares that followed me into my waking hours.
She gave a sharp nod. “He told Zeb one night over drinks. Zeb said that Wheeler was pretty shocked by the news but he’s sure that he’ll settle into it. He didn’t have it easy growing up, so I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to make sure his child has everything he didn’t.”
He seemed more than shocked when he revealed the news about the baby to me. He seemed upset, almost angry, and that made me incredibly uneasy. I liked Wheeler but I knew I couldn’t spend time with someone that resented and regreted a life that they were half responsible for creating. It wasn’t fair to the baby, and it wasn’t fair to those of us that would do anything, give anything, to have a chance to love what we’d lost.
“It’s a lot. My past is so complicated and ugly and his future is so uncertain. Right now all I’m trying to do is be his friend.” The kind of friend that was constantly picturing him naked and wondering what it would be like to have those tattooed hands all over me. So, like his best friend ever, really.
“Honestly, I’m thrilled you want to be his anything, so I’ll take it.” She reached out a hand and put her chilly fingers over mine. “One day at a time, Poppy. That’s what you focus on. Not what was or what will be, but what is. You get through this dinner with him and then you get through whatever the next day brings with or without him because you will be all right no matter what happens. Okay?”
I nodded in agreement and forced a shaky smile. “Okay.”
I could do one day at a time because I was finally in a place where I realized how very lucky I was to still be here making my way through the days, be they good or bad. I might not implicitly trust myself to do the right thing, but I did know if I stepped wrong and stumbled, there were plenty of people around me waiting to pick me up. For the first time in my life, I had a safe place to fail, which made me strong enough to want to try and live again.
Wheeler
I couldn’t stop watching her.
It wasn’t anything new. When Rowdy first brought her by the shop in search of a car for her, I found myself unable to look away. I felt guilty as hell about it at the time because I was supposed to be a happily engaged man well on my way to planning a forever with Kallie, but there was something about Poppy that I found compelling. Initially it had been her mixture of beauty and sadness that caught my eye. In a perfect world she would never know the kind of ugliness that could make those golden eyes so haunted and afraid. The more our paths crossed and the more she let her rigid guard down around me, the more I realized the reason I couldn’t look away was because she was a constant surprise. Just when I thought I knew how she was going to react or behave, she did something completely unexpected. Like show up at my garage out of the blue with a rambunctious puppy because she knew I was having a rough time in my personal life and could use a distraction.
Or like now, when I was entranced watching her do something as simple as eat dinner. I thought when I handed off the cheeseburger, minus tomato, she would nibble and pick at the messy meal delicately and carefully. She was so slight, seemed so fragile and breakable, that I was shocked when she dug into the burger with gusto and wolfed down the accompanying fries. At first she was nervous because she kept looking around my open living space like someone was going to jump out from behind the furniture and snatch her up. But eventually she asked me if I was going to eat all of my onion rings and I realized she simply had a healthy appetite when it came to food she liked. Once again, I imagined doing all kinds of really graphic and horrible things to her former husband. I figured the only reason she managed to get so thin and waif-like was because she had spent so long being denied the things she actually enjoyed eating. Her life had only recently become her own and it was obvious she hadn’t quite settled into being able to indulge herself and give herself permission to cater to her own wants and needs.
I handed over the onion rings silently and tried to get my mind off of what those wants and needs might be and how many might apply to me.
“This place is really nice. I like how it’s decorated.” Her gaze was still darting around like she was searching out unseen enemies and she was fidgeting on her end of the couch, where we had set up in front of the TV. I told her she could be in charge of the remote and wasn’t at all surprised when she told me she didn’t really watch TV. I didn’t know a single female of any age that didn’t know what Sons of Anarchy was thanks to the prolific screen time given to Charlie Hunnam’s ass. Even if they weren’t into the violence and the Harleys, there was no denying they tuned in for Jax Teller. Since she insisted she was indifferent to whatever was on the screen, I turned on Fast N’ Loud on the Discovery Channel. I sucked in a breath when I realized that it was the first time I’d actually gotten to pick what was on the TV in my own house. I’d always let Kallie have control of the remote, even during football season, which meant I hadn’t seen the Broncos play since we’d moved in together.
Scowling a little over my wandering thoughts, I told Poppy, “Thanks, but it’s all going soon. Kallie picked all the furniture out and did all the decorating. I told her today that she could have it all.”
Her lips twitched and I noticed she had a little bit of ketchup on the side of her mouth. If she was any other girl hanging out on my couch, eating a burger I brought her, I would reach out and swipe it away, but I didn’t want to spook her or alarm her by touching her without her permission, so I pointed to the spot on my own face and lifted my eyebrows at her.
She blushed prettily and gestured to the stupid, pale-colored couc
h. “I kind of figured. You don’t strike me as a dove-gray kind of guy.”
I snorted. “What kind of guy do I strike you as?” I was honestly curious about her answer.
She lifted a shoulder and let it fall. She was still dressed in her work clothes and her hair was pulled up in a high ponytail on the top of her head. She didn’t have any makeup on and she hadn’t managed to get all the ketchup off her face, and yet that simple gesture, done with an unpracticed and effortless grace, managed to be more provocative and alluring than the striptease I’d been given by the last girl I brought home in an effort to fuck my problems away. I balled up the wrapper to my burger, picked up the bottle of Laughing Lab that was in front of me, and reminded myself Poppy Cruz was all kinds of look-but-don’t-touch until she asked to have my hands on her.
“I would guess black leather because that seems to be the standard for any guy who lives alone, but your car is so nice and you obviously aren’t afraid of a little color.” Her brandy-colored eyes swept across the tattoos that circled my throat and dropped below the collar of my T-shirt, and skimmed over the ones on the back of my hands. “So maybe something blue or red with white piping.”
I hadn’t really thought about what I was going to replace Kallie’s awful choice in couches with but now that she mentioned it I kind of liked the idea of something red. I could try and find something that looked vintage but was still comfortable enough that I could sit my happy ass on it in front of the tv and watch some goddamn football whenever I wanted to. It would be reclaiming my space.
“I bought this house and pretty much handed the task of making it a home off to Kallie.” I ran a hand over my face and nudged the puppy that was asleep on the toe of my boot. Happy lifted sleepy eyes to mine and begrudgingly got to his feet so I could stand up and take the trash to the kitchen. “I wanted her to love it here. I wanted her to make it her own.” I blew out a breath and shook my head when Poppy’s knowing eyes hit mine. “I didn’t realize that when she was putting the house together she was leaving me out in the cold. None of this is for me.” It never had been and I could see it all so clearly now. “When I was growing up I never lived anywhere long enough to have my own space. I guess I got used to trying to fit myself into whatever nook and cranny was left.” I’d blindly allowed Kallie to push me out of the first home that was actually mine because I was so depressingly accustomed to not belonging anywhere.
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