by Mona Kasten
“I’m not sure your father understands that you don’t want to see Nate,” I said, concerned.
Dawn glanced at me. “I’ll survive it somehow,” she said after a pause. “At least I have other family I can visit.”
Her comment hit me like a slap.
Realizing what she’d said, Dawn looked at me, eyes wide: “Oh God, Allie, I didn’t mean it that way.”
“It’s okay.” I put on a mechanical smile, surprising myself that I could still do so at the push of a button. Some things you never unlearn.
“I really didn’t mean it like that. You told me about your mom’s shitty behavior, and you said you didn’t know if you wanted to go back home, and so I just thought that you—”
“Really. No worries,” I raised my hands in a gesture of peace.
“It’s totally cool not to go home for Thanksgiving, Allie. I prefer to spend my time off with Micah,” Scott sighed.
I swallowed hard, but kept on smiling. Dawn would go home even though she didn’t want to, but she’d be glad to see her dad and not have to be alone. Scott wouldn’t be with his family because he’d rather be with his boyfriend on the holiday. That was the difference between us. I would be sitting alone in my apartment, staring at the dented wall against which my roommate had pressed me in a frenzy, and reveling in passionate memories. I’d probably eat ice cream and watch a movie. Or cry. Or maybe all of the above.
Feeling a bit queasy, I said goodbye to my friends. I reassured Dawn that I was fine, but we both knew that wasn’t true. To be honest, I felt crappy. I’d come down from the post-exam high and was back to obsessing about my mother.
Would I ever be free of her and able to do what I’d always wanted to do, without feeling sick?
I should savor this feeling of freedom and be glad that for the first time I could spend Thanksgiving thousands of miles away from my parents. No obligations. No pressure.
But I couldn’t convince myself. My longing for freedom was struggling against my guilt. And my fear of being alone.
Jared Leto distracted me with his own cries of pain. I’d turned up my car stereo, almost full blast.
Without thinking about where I was heading, I found myself at the edge of town. I hadn’t taken this route alone yet, but something in my subconscious mind seemed to have led me here—where I could feel freedom with my whole body.
A trail of dust followed my car as I drove to the deserted parking area at the foot of Mount Wilson. I wondered if I should hike all the way to the top. Yes. Yes, I should. Without giving it much thought, I decided to take my phone along.
I walked to the first fork, the route Kaden and I had taken last time. Though I wasn’t wearing my hiking shoes, my leather boots seemed to do the trick. I dug my feet hard into the muddy earth.
Maybe this would help me get rid of my anger. And the pain that raged deep inside me when I thought about Thanksgiving break.
No idea how long I walked. At some point, after I’d taken many turns and couldn’t make out a trodden path anymore, I took a break. The air had become cool.
Rested, I kept going. The waterfall must be somewhere to my right, it just had to be.
By the time I took my next break half an hour later, it was already pretty dark under the trees. Were those the eyes of animals reflecting back to me from the tangled brush? The fog was thickening.
I looked around, discouraged. My goal had been to hike up to the top of the mountain, to reclaim that feeling of freedom. I wanted to shout my frustration to the world, where no one would hear me. But now here I was, up to my ankles in mud.
Now, which direction had I come from? There was no way to tell. Nothing but leaves. Tree trunks. Thick brush. Everything looked the same in every direction.
The exercise was pointless.
My own tracks weren’t even visible. Now I thought of Kaden’s advice.
Less talking, more walking.
I let loose a scream, and it felt so good to release the pent-up energy, that I did it again.
It was all his fault!
I pulled my cell phone out of my pants pocket. Cursing myself for doing it, I scrolled through my contacts looking for Kaden’s number. If anyone knew how I could get out of here, he would. My lips pressed together, I held the phone to my ear and heard it ring.
The answering machine came on. I tried again, but he still didn’t pick up.
Terrific.
Good. Since Kaden wouldn’t be able to help me out of this mess, I opened the map app. But there was no connection to the Internet. Of course.
Frustrated, I stuffed the phone back in my pocket and kept going. At some point I would find my way out of here.
I started to hum. The noises around me were getting weirder. I hummed louder.
After a while, I couldn’t keep up the calm exterior. My pulse was racing, my breath fast and irregular. I was cold. I was covered in mud. And I was scared.
I was also on the verge of a nervous breakdown when my phone began to vibrate against my thigh. I pulled it out of my pocket so fast that I nearly dropped it.
“It’s about time!” I cried into the phone.
“What’s up?” asked Kaden.
“I’m lost,” I said much too fast. It felt like an eternity since I’d heard a human voice. “I was feeling shitty, I wanted to go home, and then … somehow I ended up at the mountain and wanted to take the same path that we always take, and now I don’t know where I am, everything looks the same, and I don’t know where my car is. It’s getting darker, and there are wild animals, Kaden, I don’t want them to think that I’m their dinner—”
“Allie,” he interrupted me. “Take a deep breath.”
“Sorry,” I murmured, and inhaled.
“Where did you go?” asked Kaden.
“First I followed the main trail,” I started again, this time slower. “And then I reached the fork where you always turn. The one that leads to our lookout platform.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Did I just say “our lookout platform”? Up to now I’d only thought it, not said it. Thank goodness Kaden didn’t react.
“I needed about a year to figure out how to go off trail. We were usually in a group of three, and we marked our turns with paint.” His grim expression was palpable. “Actually, you deserve to spend a night outside.”
My legs wobbled. And I dropped to my knees. How could he say that! This was a matter of life and death! Asshole.
“I shouldn’t have called you. I’ll see if I can reach Spencer,” I blurted out.
On the other end of the line, I heard a door slam. “I’m already sitting in the car, Bubbles. Stay where you are.”
He hung up. I leaned against a tree trunk. I had to calm down.
Kaden took a while.
The sun had almost set by the time I heard a soft whistling. I turned to listen.
I heard the tune again. If that were a bird, then it must be familiar with contemporary rock. Because he was trilling a tune that was one of my absolute favorites, and whose text somehow had ended up tattooed on the underarm of my apartment mate. I stepped forward.
“Here I am!” I cried out toward the source of the tune. “Over here!”
Kaden emerged from between two trees and ducked under its thick branches. No, it wasn’t just my imagination. I fought off the urge to throw my arms around him.
“Thank God,” the words tumbled from my lips.
Kaden looked me up and down. Grinning, he untied the sweater from his waist and held it out to me. It was the one with the Deadpool mask that he’d lent me a few times before.
“Thanks,” I said, trembling.
“You dumbass,” Kaden said, shaking his head. He turned the brim of his baseball cap to the back, without taking his eyes off me.
I grumbled and buried my chin in the folds of the sweater. “Please ju
st bring me home safe.”
His eyes danced with amusement. “You walked in circles, Allie. Just at least give me the chance to teach you something.”
“I did what?” I cried, stunned.
Now Kaden let out one of his deep, rough laughs. “You wanted to go to the overlook, but you didn’t go uphill; you just stayed on the same level the whole time. It’s not my fault that you’re lazy.”
I groaned in frustration. My sense of direction was bad, okay. But even I couldn’t be that clueless. Could I?
“Come on.” He turned around and looked back at me over his shoulder, jerking his chin in the direction we had to go.
“Please tell me you’re going to take me to my car,” I groaned and ran to catch up with him.
“Less talking, more walking,” he retorted and moved on ahead.
Instead of bringing me back to my car, Kaden was forcing me to take the uphill route that I’d wanted to find.
At some point I recognized the rocks over which Kaden had hoisted me the last couple of times. We barely talked, but I wasn’t up to that anyway. I tried hard not to notice my own panting.
We’d reached the last rocky ledge. At the top, I put my hands on my thighs and forced myself to breathe calmly and not keel over on the spot.
Kaden had stepped out to the edge of the ledge and stretched out his arms as if to fly. “That’s where we were.” He turned around and gave a sly grin. “Our overlook.”
I made a face but didn’t answer back. The view was beautiful, exactly as I remembered it.
I stepped toward Kaden, but before my toes could reach the edge of the ledge he took my shoulder and pulled me back a bit.
“I don’t trust you. You’ll end up falling off, or doing some other crazy thing.”
“Why would I?” I looked up at him. His expression was serious.
“The last time you flipped out, you wanted to pack all your things and move out,” he reminded me.
“And that’s why you think I would jump off a cliff?” I asked, surprised.
He shrugged. “That time you went into hysterics because of your exam. Since you took that exam again today, I’m ready for anything. You can be unpredictable.”
From up here the world seemed to stretch out forever. The heavens above us shone an intense midnight blue. Sitting down, I inhaled the fresh air and concentrated on how I was feeling, right here and now.
That was the key.
I’d come here to recapture this feeling. Thanks to that one moment when I forgot the world and felt nothing but freedom. Without thinking, I smiled. The longer I let this moment exist the less tense I felt. My negative thoughts faded one after the other, and even the knot in my stomach began to loosen.
“The exam was great,” I said after a while, without taking my eyes off the view. Though night had fallen, the lake was glittering down in the valley. I was sure I’d soon see the evening’s first star reflected in its surface.
“So you’re not going to throw yourself off this cliff? Or pack your stuff in a rage?” Kaden sat beside me. He leaned back on his arms and crossed his outstretched legs.
I shook my head, and my smile faded. “Thanksgiving’s around the corner. Scott, Dawn, and you … You all have plans. But I … ” I stopped and cleared my throat. “I don’t want to be the poor thing who spends the holidays all alone, just because I’m too proud to go home. Not that I could call it home. After all, you’ve met my mother.”
Kaden huffed. “Believe me, I couldn’t forget someone like that so fast.”
I let out a joyless laugh. “And even if I were to fly to Lincoln—what good would that do? Mom wouldn’t pay any attention to me anyway. She’ll be too busy playing the perfect hostess at her stupid gala. Dad will be involved in important conversations, and as usual he won’t have time for me—except to introduce me to one of his business partners … ” I blinked several times to get those images out of my mind. I didn’t want to think about the past. But I also knew that holding it in would make it harder for me to deal with it once and for all. I kept on losing this fight.
“You’re thinking too much, Bubbles,” said Kaden, and I looked at him. He was gazing at the sky. “You’re always obsessing over what others might be thinking, without ever thinking about what you want. Sometimes it’s really important to do what’s best for you.”
I sighed. “Believe me, I’d love to be like you.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“You don’t give a damn what others think. Hardly anything seems to shake you up.”
“You shake me up,” said Kaden without missing a beat. He didn’t seem to regret blurting this out. His gaze was fixed on me.
“The way the thing about Thanksgiving shakes me up?” I asked, confused.
Kaden considered my words, then shook his head. “No. You don’t scare me quite that much, Bubbles.”
A warmth spread through my entire body.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about Thanksgiving. “Do you think I’m making a mistake by not going to Lincoln?”
He chuckled and looked back over the valley. “Didn’t you hear me? Think about yourself for a change. Think about what you want. Not about your mother, not about your friends. The question is: What do you want to do over the holidays? Is there something you always wanted to do? Or do you just want just hang out and contaminate the apartment with your nasty glitter bombs? You can to whatever you want. It’s your life, Allie.”
I repeated his words in my mind, and internalized them.
After a while, I cleared my throat. “Don’t laugh, okay?”
“I can’t guarantee anything,” he answered, and I saw how the corners of his mouth were already beginning to twitch.
I rolled my eyes. At least he was honest. I shifted into a cross-legged position.
“I’ve always wanted a really traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Homemade turkey and pies, lots of side dishes and a huge table that you decorate and set together. And then this kitschy ritual where you mention all the things you’re thankful for.”
Kaden frowned. “What does your family eat, then?”
“We have caterers who deliver the meal. Snacks to tide us over until the gala starts,” I explained. “Plenty of wine, of course. Wine helps my dad get lots of contracting partners to relax. It makes it easier to get deals done. And at the gala itself there’s a three-course menu, usually soup, then lamb or some other meat and … ” Kaden’s look of bewilderment was growing. I paused. “What?”
“Are you saying you’ve never been to a traditional Thanksgiving dinner?”
I shook my head.
Kaden winced. “That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Before I could say a word, he’d picked up his cell phone. He held the receiver to his ear, and a few seconds later his face brightened.
“Hey, Mom. No, everything’s okay. Yes, it went well,” he said with a grin, raising his cap only to set it down on his head again. “Listen, the reason I’m calling … I know we already have a full house with Chad’s kids at Thanksgiving.” He frowned and waved his hand, although his mother couldn’t see him. “No! I’m not backing out! I wanted to ask if it would be okay if I brought a friend with me.”
Now I was on my feet, wanting to tear the phone from Kaden’s hand. He turned away from me.
“I knew you’d say that. Thanks, Mom. See you Tuesday.”
He hung up. “She said the more the merrier.” He flashed his lopsided grin.
“Are you nuts?” I cried, angry. “How is that going to come across?”
His smile faded. “What do you mean, how will it come across?”
“You’re taking me to your mom’s not only on a holiday, but exactly on that day when she’s meeting the children of her new boyfriend?” My voice had grown shrill.
Kaden’s eyebrows shot up. “Who cares?”
“It’s … it’s … ” I was at a loss for words. I looked at Kaden pleadingly.
“Bubbles,” murmured Kaden, taking me by the shoulders and forcing me to face him. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”
I held my breath and returned his gaze.
“Something like that,” I said.
“You see?” he said. His voice sounded gruff. “You’ll get your kitschy Thanksgiving with all the trimmings, and my mom and I won’t be outnumbered at the table. So everyone gets what they want.”
Finally I nodded.
“Okay.”
Chapter 16
“No way.” Kaden shook his head. His cap slipped a bit. “That is not going in my car.”
“Come on.” I gave him a hopeful glance, to which he raised an eyebrow.
“No.”
“We had an agreement, Kaden.”
He buckled his seatbelt and squinted at me. I leaned in a bit and tried an irresistible smile. I would obviously have to employ all my charms.
“I’ve always appreciated your good taste in music,” he grumbled and held out his hand.
I whooped and handed him my stack of Taylor Swift CDs. Kaden rolled his eyes and took them from me so I could climb into the Jeep.
Soon I would meet Kaden’s mother. I wanted music that would lift my mood. No depressing alternative-rock; just tunes I could sing along with, to distract from my nervous anxiety. Taylor Swift was perfect.
The first notes of “Fearless” came on and I hummed along. As for Kaden, he made an exaggerated scowl, as if the music was pure torture.
“I don’t know why I’m putting up with that shit,” he grumbled, glancing in his side mirror before turning on to Main Street.
“I know why,” I retorted, drumming my fingers on the inside of the car door as we left our apartment building behind us.
He’d agreed to bear with my music, and in return I was sitting in his car.
When Kaden and I had returned from our hike five days ago, I was almost freaked out with excitement. It’s true that Kaden had always insisted it was no big deal and his mother would be delighted to meet me—he wasn’t able to calm me down that way. Instead, my brain switched from the “depressed” mode to the “about to panic” mode, and I started looking through my entire closet for outfits that would be presentable for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Eventually my room looked like a battlefield, and instead of helping me, Kaden—finding me buried in clothes and with rattled nerves—just laughed. Which made me burst into tears and say that under no circumstances would I go with him to visit his mother.