by Mona Kasten
“Allie?”
I turned and saw Monica heading our way, with Spencer and Ethan in tow. By now Spencer’s eye had healed.
“Hey,” I heard myself say.
“Can we join you?” Monica asked hesitantly.
As if I could say no. I nodded and forced a smile.
“How are you?” Monica asked.
“Good.” Three pairs of eyebrows went up. “Okay, I guess,” I added, because at least that was kind of true by now.
“Kaden’s not doing so great,” Monica blurted out.
Ethan groaned. “Baby, I don’t think—”
Scott interrupted him. “Good. He doesn’t deserve anything better,” he said, with a polite smile.
Monica glared at him, irritated.
“Kaden can’t let anyone get to him, and you know it, Allie. And if he tries, he panics the next moment and pushes you away again. He’s done it with all of us. Right, guys?” She looked at Spencer and Ethan, who were sitting next to her.
Ethan sighed and wanted to reply, but Monica glared at him until he just nodded in agreement. Spencer just folded his arms across his chest. He didn’t look too happy.
“Then that boy should see a therapist, like yesterday.” Scott was furious.
“It’s okay. It’s over,” I said, putting my hand on his arm. But the words felt like plastic in my mouth. Fake and untrue.
“Allie, we both know that’s bullshit.” Spencer looked up. He frowned and leaned forward, his elbows on the table. “Ever since Alex came over, Kaden has been a basket case.”
Monica gasped. “Alex was here? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”
“Because Kaden doesn’t want everyone to know.”
“Well that explains something, man.” Ethan ran his fingers through his hair and then draped one arm across the back of Monica’s chair.
Scott snorted. “I’d like to know what that explains. The big bad brother comes over, then Kaden throws Allie out of the house? Sorry, people, but that doesn’t work for me.”
“We have to tell her,” murmured Monica, with a questioning glance at Spencer.
He shook his head.
“Spencer, she deserves answers,” Ethan agreed with Monica.
“Could you maybe tell me what you’re talking about?” Confused, I looked from one person to the other. And then my eyes fixed on Spencer.
He groaned and looked like he wished he were somewhere else. “Kaden and his brother don’t have the most stable relationship, let’s put it that way.”
“Right. He told me about it. About the divorce and his father and the company. And about Alex.” I remembered every single story Kaden had told me about his family.
“When Kaden was eighteen, his girlfriend left him,” Spencer said.
“Kendra,” I whispered, and nodded.
“What does that have to do with … Oh.” Scott’s eyes widened. “Did his brother come on to her?”
Spencer snorted. “No. He raped her.”
“What?” I stared in disgust.
“Alex raped Kendra after a party.”
“Oh God,” I said.
Spencer’s jaw tightened, and he struggled to keep talking.
“Kendra left Kaden because he didn’t believe her. He stood by his brother, who denied everything of course. By then Kaden already had little contact with Alex; you know that their parents’ divorce also kind of drove the brothers apart. But Alex was the big brother, and Kaden had always idolized him when he was younger. Kaden couldn’t believe his brother was capable of rape—let alone attacking his girlfriend. Things between Kendra and Kaden ended pretty badly.” Spencer looked down at the table and pushed around some stray bits of sugar with his finger. “He only found out much later that Kendra had been telling the truth. Kaden’s world fell apart.”
A gasp escaped me, and I grabbed Scott’s arm. He put his hand on mine and squeezed it.
“The incident was hushed up with a lot of money. Otherwise Kaden’s father’s company would have gone down the drain,” Spencer continued. “There’s no way to fix that kind of damage to your reputation.”
I winced. In my mind, I repeated the fragment of conversation that I’d overheard between Alex and Kaden. Everything made more sense now. No wonder Kaden loathed his brother.
“Kaden still blames himself for not believing Kendra right away. And even if he’d never admit it, he’s afraid to hurt and disappoint someone again. I think that’s why he blocks people from getting close to him. He prefers to keep his distance. But you can see for yourself what that’s done to him.”
“But he could’ve talked to me about it,” I sighed, thinking about my own sexual assault and Anderson’s hush money.
Monica sighed. “I think he just didn’t know how. And he was afraid to lose you.”
Her words gave me pause.
“It’s terrible. I mean it. But that doesn’t justify what he did to you, Allie,” Scott insisted.
“People make mistakes,” Monica said without looking at Scott. “I am convinced he regrets it. He’s doing really badly, Allie. He just sits at home and doesn’t talk to anyone but Spencer.”
“Not even me.”
“So what do you do, then?” Ethan asked, irritated.
Spencer shrugged. “Gambling.”
“That’s it?”
He shook his head. “If he doesn’t want to talk, I respect it. I guess he just needs time to digest everything.”
“We have to leave,” Scott reminded me. “Dawn’s getting out of class now.”
“Where are you going?” Monica asked. Her cheery tone sounded forced, but I appreciated her effort to lighten up the mood.
“Apartment visit number seven.”
Monica opened her mouth but Ethan beat her to it: “Are you really looking at apartments?”
“Maybe you should hold off a bit and see what—” Monica managed to begin.
“No,” I interrupted, trying to smile. My heart was being pulled this way and that. “Kaden means a lot to me, but apart from the fact that I can’t have my living situation dependent on someone who is so unreliable with his emotions. I’m done, Monica.”
I stood and tried to take deep, calm breaths.
One, two, three …
Inhale. Exhale. Breathe.
Everything in me cried out for Kaden. I wanted to see him, to take him in my arms and hear straight from him what his friends had just told me, but that was impossible. There was no way.
“Thank you for telling me.” As I left, I pressed my hand on Spencer’s shoulder and smiled at Ethan and Monica.
Spencer reached up for my hand and squeezed it. “Let me know if you need help with your move. That’s the least I can do.”
“Thanks, Spencer.”
Chapter 34
Apartment seven was a dream.
Luckily, this tour wasn’t led by a real estate agent but by the landlady herself. She was a nice, older woman who told us about her grandson the craftsman, who had used his skills to keep the apartment shipshape. Scott asked her about her grandson while Dawn and I had another quick look around.
“This is it,” I said. “It feels right.”
It reminded me of how I’d felt when I first stood in Kaden’s apartment, but this time there was no biting commentary and gloomy expressions.
Part of me wanted nothing more than to reach out to Kaden. But I’d meant it when I said I wouldn’t chase after him, and I knew quite well that he’d just mess me up again. Besides, I had a plan. I wanted to get back on the right track, have some security and stability—things that Kaden couldn’t give me. As much as I wanted it to be different between us, now I had to think of myself. I wanted to be on my own once and for all. After all, freedom was what I’d been looking for in the first place.
We heard Mrs. Collins laughing and wen
t back to see why. “You’re my type, Scott!”
Dawn and I exchanged an amused glance.
“But you’re not the one looking for a place to live, are you?” Mrs. Collins asked, looking up at Scott dreamily. Apparently he’d used all his charm to wrap the woman around his little finger.
“No, but I’ll want to visit my friend Allie,” Scott answered, and turned to smile at me.
“Well, anyone with such charming friends has to be a decent person,” she said, addressing me. “If you want it, you can have the apartment.” All I could do was stare at her openmouthed.
Scott jumped in.
“What she wants to say is that she’ll take it, absolutely, Mrs. Collins!”
I grinned.
A little later we sat down with Mrs. Collins at the kitchen table and looked over the lease. She said she was okay with my subletting the second room if I wanted to, but that I would bear full responsibility for any damage.
When we parted, I hugged her. It might not have been very professional, but she’d saved the day. And not only that: She gave me my freedom back, with the keys she put into my hand.
Since I didn’t want to occupy Dawn’s bed any longer than necessary, she and I took the next day to move my stuff into the new place. It was mostly furnished; that took at least one load off my mind.
Scott and Spencer brought over the things I’d left at Kaden’s place. I avoided asking them about it, and they were tactful enough not to speak about the elephant in the room. The situation was unpleasant enough.
By the afternoon, we’d set up the bedroom. Even the curtains had been hung, thanks to Spencer and Scott. The only thing we had to reassemble was the sofa bed. I didn’t know how they’d managed it, but the dresser had fit into Spencer’s car. Monica also dropped in and helped me decorate the rooms. Plus, she brought over a mountain of homemade pancakes. For the first time since Kaden had thrown me out, I felt my appetite returning.
Later, Scott wanted to drink a toast to my new apartment. But we couldn’t find any champagne flutes—just coffee mugs with cute little sayings such as “Best Grandma in the World.” They must have been left by Mrs. Collins’ grandson after the renovation was finished.
We drank to the reassembled furniture and then got busy putting away my suitcase and the moving boxes. My heart sank when I saw how carelessly Kaden had thrown everything together. The frame with the photo of me and Dawn had a crack in it. Dawn took it from me and handed me the “Best Grandma in the World” mug so I could take a large gulp of bubbly.
That evening, my string lights were hanging above the sofa, and the scented candles were burning in the living room and kitchen. I sat on the fluffy carpet, leaning back against the couch. Dawn had made herself comfortable on the sofa, flanked on one side by Spencer and on the other by Scott, who was busy texting Micah. Monica had left a while ago because she had to study and then meet up with Ethan. But we’d decided to open a second bottle of champagne anyway.
“I’m tired,” Dawn said, yawning.
“I bet. I’m sorry that I kind of took over your space.” I leaned back and looked up at my friend. She brushed my hair from my forehead and grinned.
“It’s true, you did kind of spread out. But at least you didn’t snore. You get points for that.”
“Really? Thanks.”
“I don’t snore, either,” Spencer offered, and I laughed.
Dawn rolled her eyes. “You don’t get points.”
“Why not? I’m great when I sleep. I don’t snore, and I take up very little space. In fact, I don’t even wear anything.”
“And the fact that you sleep naked is supposed to impress me because …?” Dawn asked, feigning boredom.
“Oh, Dawn,” Spencer sighed with a sly grin. “If you can’t figure that out, then I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”
“Well, I owe you a lot, Spence,” I said after a pause. “I mean it. Thanks for everything.” The words came from my heart. It’s not every day you met someone like Spencer. Someone who would do anything for a friend, even take a beating for them. He was loyal, helpful, and, even if he cracked jokes at the expense of others—above all my best girlfriend—he was serious and sensitive when it came down to the wire.
“No problem. I just hope things work out.”
What could I say to that? All I could do was avoid his gaze and nod.
Dawn and I spent the rest of the evening putting together colorful ads for the second room, which we wanted to hang around campus. Scott put the ad online after I told him what I was hoping for in a potential roommate. Spencer offered helpful suggestions like, “Pink unicorns only need apply.” He made me laugh so hard that the champagne came out my nose.
When they parted at the end of the evening and I was alone in my apartment for the first time, I didn’t know whether I wanted to dance or to cry. I felt great because I had found a wonderful home. But at the same time, something inside still ached. So I decided on a mixture of both.
It left me so stirred up that I couldn’t think straight anymore. Emboldened by the booze, I reached for my phone and typed wildly on it, threw it on the sofa, and picked it up again only to place it far out of reach so I couldn’t do anything I’d regret.
But my restraint crumbled.
I jumped up, grabbed it again, and before I could convince myself of anything else, I selected Kaden’s number.
It felt like the best thing to do and also the stupidest thing I’d ever done.
But I had to hear his voice. I missed him so much.
He picked up after the first ring. “Bubbles?”
Oh God. I should have thought that one through better. Tears shot to my eyes, and I felt an urgent need to bawl out Taylor Swift’s I Almost Do in his ears. Or Attack, by Thirty Seconds to Mars. Or anything but let him hear me cry.
“Is everything okay?” Kaden’s voice was low, almost a whisper.
Summoning all my courage, I whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me? About what happened with Alex?”
He breathed in sharply. For a while he said nothing, and I pressed my face into one of the sofa pillows to keep myself from filling up the silence with my own words—ones that couldn’t be taken back later. Even if it was nearly suffocating me. It was his turn.
“Can I come over?” Kaden asked, in a shaky voice.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I murmured into the pillow.
Kaden took another deep breath. “You deserve an explanation, Allie. Please. Let me tell you. In person.”
The champagne had done me in, and I might regret this a lot tomorrow. But I wanted to see him so badly, wanted to finally hear his side of the story. So I just said, “Okay.”
Less than ten minutes later I heard light knocking on the door. Standing up, I felt a bit dizzy. A few deep breaths later, I went to open the door.
Kaden looked tired. For the first time ever, I saw dark shadows under his caramel-colored eyes—he usually managed to look well-rested, even after a night of partying. He wore a blue baseball cap backward and smelled exactly as I remembered. Spicy. And he was wearing my sweater. Okay, strictly speaking it wasn’t my sweater, but it was the one I’d always borrowed when we went hiking. Over the past few weeks I’d tried to repress all memories of our shared time, but now the images poured over me like a waterfall. It took a great effort for me not to fall into his arms and bury my nose in his shoulder.
Instead, I just unlocked the door.
Kaden’s feelings seemed to be as jumbled up as mine. His eyes sparked when he saw me. But then he must have remembered why he’d come over, and his gaze darkened.
Stepping to the side, I invited him in with a wave of the hand.
“Welcome to Casa de Harper,” I said, imitating his own words of welcome when I had moved in to his place.
Kaden winced, and I regretted the bad joke. He dug h
is hands into his sweatshirt and followed me into the living room.
“Please sit,” I said, pointing to the sofa. “Want something to drink?”
“What have you got?”
“Champagne?” It was more of a question than a statement. “Actually, no. We drank it all. Tap water?”
Kaden’s mouth twitched for a second. “Tap water sounds perfect.”
I filled one of the cat mugs and placed it in front of Kaden on the coffee table. Then I sat as far from him as possible on the sofa.
“Nice place,” Kaden remarked, taking a sip.
“How did you even know the address?” I asked, puzzled. The thought came to me just now.
“Your stuff didn’t fit into Spencer’s car, so we took the Jeep.”
My shoulders tightened. “You drove my furniture here?”
Kaden nodded. “I hope that’s okay.”
He’d brought my furniture here. I stared at him, confused. My eyes wandered from his eyes to his full lower lip, across his shoulders and arms, and again up to his eyebrows, which were knotted in a frown. Every muscle seemed tense, as if Kaden, too, were struggling to stay put on his end of the sofa.
Even though he’d hurt me, I still wanted him, no question about it. I longed for his touch. My fingers clawed at the pillow on my lap, and my eyes fixed on a candle on the table. I tried to get my pulse under control. Only then did I dare to look at Kaden again.
“So.” I cleared my throat. “You had something to say.”
His expression took my breath away. It was full of pain and longing, and it intensified all the feelings in me.
“Allie,” Kaden whispered, his voice hoarse. He shook his head and swallowed hard. Then he clenched his fists and rose.
Staring at him, I didn’t dare move.
He came toward me. Right in front of me he knelt and pushed my knees slightly apart. I held my breath.
“Kaden.”
“I just want to talk. That’s all.” He supported his hands on my sides. His arms touched my thighs. “I just can’t concentrate when you’re at the other end of the room.” He cleared his throat. “Is it okay with you?”