Unattainable

by Schlosser, Jamie

  “Well?” I asked. “How was it?”

  “The texture was… interesting. I don’t think I’d go back for seconds, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.”

  Standing up, I gathered the bowl and utensils in one hand and reached for Corrie with the other. “Taco Tiki Hut it is, then.”

  “HORSES?” I DRAGGED MY FEET in the dirt as the large building loomed ahead. “You said we were going to the beach.”

  Aiden halted and turned around when our arms stretched between us and he encountered resistance. He gave my hand a squeeze, refusing to let go. “We are.”

  “What was wrong with the other beach?”

  “Too many people. I’d rather not get recognized. I don’t think there are any paparazzi on the island, but you never know.” Aiden shrugged.

  Reluctantly, I picked up the pace again. “So we’re just going to pet the horses and leave?”

  “No, we’re gonna ride them.”

  Oh, no. No, no, no. “But I just ate.”

  He gave me a look. “You nibbled down half a soft taco. And this isn’t like swimming, Corrie. You don’t have to wait an hour.”

  I stopped again, trying to fight off the impending panic, and tugged his arm in the opposite direction. “Let’s go have some fun.”

  “Horseback riding is fun. Have you ever done it?”

  “No.” I shuddered.

  “It’s exhilarating. You’ll see.”

  Oh, God. This was it. Time to come clean—and also the time when Aiden would realize what a freak I was.

  And not the good kind of freak, either.

  I’d hoped to avoid the truth for as long as possible but delaying it further wasn’t an option because we weren’t in the controlled environment of Weston anymore, and Aiden was a normal guy who’d want to do normal activities on dates.

  “I don’t think I can do this.” Pulling my hand from his, I sighed.

  He looked devastated, spearing me with the puppy-dog eyes I found so hard to resist. “You changed your mind about us already? Because of the bad food?”

  I shook my head.

  “No. It’s not you, it’s me.” Before he could react to the cliché statement, I continued, “I can’t, in good conscience, agree to keep seeing you until you know me.”

  “I do know you.”

  “You don’t. Not all of me.”

  Aiden had no idea how much of myself I’d kept hidden from him. It was easy to be one-dimensional when we only saw each other in a school setting.

  I always let him believe I was fearless.

  It was a lot better than revealing the truth—I was just a big ole wuss who happened to be good at dyeing my own hair.

  “Want to know why I change colors so often?” I flicked at my locks, and Aiden nodded. “Because people take one glance at me and assume I’m a badass.”

  He tilted his head to the side. “You are.”

  “No, I’m not.” My voice was heavy with dread. “I just want to start off by saying I never lied to you. I was always honest when you asked me a direct question.”

  “What does that mean?” His eyes narrowed.

  “It means there are a lot of questions you didn’t ask, so there are a lot of things you don’t know about me.”

  “What don’t I know about you, Corrie? Truth dare.”

  Oh, he was gonna throw it down like that? What he didn’t realize was that I was already going to tell him everything, so our little game wasn’t necessary.

  “I have zoophobia,” I blurted out, holding my breath while I waited for his reaction.

  A couple seconds ticked by. “Is that some kind of new app or something?”

  I let out a humorless laugh. “Zoophobia is a fear of animals.”

  “Like, wild animals?”

  “No, domestic mostly. Cats. Dogs. Rodents.” I jerked my head toward the stables. “Horses.”

  His eyebrows furrowed, and a disbelieving smile lifted his lips, making his dimple pop. “You’re joking.”

  “Nope. Legit terrified.”

  A baffled pause. “Why?”

  “It probably goes back to when my next-door neighbor’s chihuahua attacked me. I was six.” Lifting my foot off the ground, I shook it. “I still have the scar on my ankle. You’d think the tiny ones can’t do much damage, but they’ve got surprisingly powerful jaws. And then one time their cat scratched the crap out of my brother, and he had to go to the hospital because it got infected. I think the event that really did me in was when their ferret escaped and ended up in my bedroom in the middle of the night. That little asshole had me cornered for five minutes until I finally found my voice and screamed bloody murder.”

  Aiden winced. “Are you sure your neighbors just weren’t bad pet owners? Kinda seems like they’re the common denominator here.”

  I shrugged, because the reason behind it didn’t really matter. I’d already been traumatized.

  “And some wild birds terrify me. Most people think hummingbirds are cute, but those crazy bastards fly so fast you can’t even see them. And don’t get me started on hawks and eagles. They’re winged demons with razor sharp talons that poop every twenty minutes,” I said, holding my fists out and curling my fingers like claws. “It’s not right.”

  Aiden’s lips twitched as though he was holding in a laugh. “Okay, well, given your experiences, that’s not weird.”

  “Oh, I’m just getting started.” I leaned against one of the fence posts behind me. This could take a while. “You can add needles to the list. It’s called trypanophobia.”

  “What about this?” Reaching out, Aiden lightly tapped the tiny stud on my nose.

  “An attempt to face my fear and get over it. Spoiler alert—it didn’t work. This is the only piercing I have, and it’ll stay that way. At least I can handle shots or a blood draw if it’s absolutely medically necessary, but other than that, doctors are a big hell no. Whitecoat syndrome is very real, my friend. The technical term is latrophobia.”

  “What do you do when you’re sick?”

  “Self-diagnose through Google, take over-the-counter meds, and hope I don’t die?”

  He grunted out a dissatisfied sound. “That’s dangerous.”

  Ignoring his concern, I kept going. “The most uncommon one I have is pseudodysphagia.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Fear of choking. I’m actually not a picky eater because I hate food.” Humiliated, I rubbed at my temple. “I just stick to soft things because they’re easy to chew.”

  God. It sounded even crazier when I said it out loud.

  “Holy shit.” Aiden’s eyes went wide. “I just thought you really liked applesauce.”

  I glanced down at the dirt road beneath my sneakers.

  I couldn’t stand to watch him come to the realization that I was too high maintenance. That I was weak.

  Instead of showing Aiden my most attractive traits, I was basically trying to convince him to run far away, and it was probably going to work.

  I was totally blowing it, but that didn’t stop me from continuing, “In third grade they had an assembly where they taught emergency survival skills. One of those lessons included what to do in the event that you’re alone and you choke. Scared the shit out of me. Coincidentally, the next weekend I happened to inhale a chunk of steak when I was laughing at dinner. I wasn’t alone, and my mom knocked it out of me, but after that…” I shuffled a few pebbles around with my shoe, letting my silence speak of the trauma. The helplessness of not being able to clear my windpipe was still fresh in my mind. “In conclusion, I’m a coward and a weirdo.”

  “Hey.” Aiden’s voice was firm as he placed a finger under my chin and tilted my face up until I had no choice but to look at him. “I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself like that.”

  “There are a lot of common fears I’m totally fine with,” I said in an attempt to redeem myself. “Heights? No problem. Small spaces? Cozy. Swimming? Obviously, I’m great with water. I’m even fine with ocean
creatures as long as they stay there and mind their own business.”

  Aiden was thoughtful for a moment. “Is this why you’re not performing anymore? Stage fright? Because that’s not abnormal. Even I get nervous.”

  “Surprisingly, no. I mean, I get a little anxious, just like anyone else,” I told him. “But I’m not scared of singing in front of people. It’s just not fun for me.”

  “No way. You loved being on stage.”

  “I loved being on stage with you. You made it fun. I don’t know why but…” I stopped and apprehensively bit my lip because I didn’t want to reveal too much. It was one thing to tell him my oddest traits. It was a whole other ball game to admit how deep my feelings for him went.

  “But..?” Aiden pushed.

  Ah, hell. I was already past the point of no return.

  “When you were with me, I felt brave. Special. Better.” Hiking a shoulder, I quietly confessed, “You always made everything better.”

  A myriad of emotions played out on his handsome face. Touched and flattered, because that was one hell of a compliment. Regret and remorse, because he meant so much to me, and he left without a word.

  But the purpose of this conversation wasn’t to guilt-trip him.

  “I just wanted you to know so you can make a fully informed decision about me.”

  “You think I wouldn’t want to date you because you’re afraid of some stuff?” His nonchalant tone suggested he didn’t fully understand how extreme my problem was.

  “It’s not just a few fears, Aiden. It’s a hindrance. You rented out this entire ranch for the day, right?”

  When we’d arrived, the owner Maria hugged Aiden like he’d saved her from a burning building. She’d gone on and on about his generosity and how we had the whole place to ourselves for as long as we wanted.

  “Yeah,” Aiden answered. “I wanted some privacy.”

  I flicked a finger at the barn. “Then you wasted your money on me. I can’t ride a horse.”

  Aiden stepped close and wrapped his arms around my waist. It felt natural to place my hands on his chest and being close to him quieted my worries.

  “I can’t do much about the past, but I’m here now,” he said, tenderly gazing down. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

  Swallowing around the lump of anxiety still lodged in my throat, I nodded. “Maybe we could just go see the horses. Ease into it.”

  He shot me a victorious, mega-watt smile as he linked our fingers and tugged me forward. “Sounds like a great idea.”

  The red barn at the end of the lane looked like something I’d see back in the Midwest, not in a tropical paradise. As we got closer, the trees on either side of the split rail fence thinned out and I was able to see how unbelievably long the building was. Behind it, acres of green grass spread farther than I thought possible on a small island.

  And that’s when my palms got sweaty.

  A structure that large and a pasture that expansive had to mean there were a lot of animals on this ranch. Big ones. With big teeth, big hooves, and big steaming piles of crap.

  Unaware of the alarms going off inside my body, Aiden forged ahead, leading me through the open doors. The air became instantly cooler in the darkened space, and the musty smell of hay reached my nose.

  There were twenty stalls in total, ten on each side, and all of them were occupied by giant beasts.

  Several horses stuck their heads out to see us. Aiden looped an arm around my shoulders, and I squished myself to his side to stick to the middle where they couldn’t touch me.

  When we got to the end, Aiden’s arm slipped away, and he went over to stand between two neighboring stalls.

  Tipping his head toward the metal nameplates on the doors, he wasn’t the least bit phased by the huge noses nudging his hands. “This is Dolly and Fergus.”

  Dolly was white with gray speckles and Fergus was solid brown. And both were enormous. They made me feel so small.

  Warm breath wafted over my back and squealed as I turned to see a long fawn-colored face just a foot behind me.

  I backed up until I was cushioned by Aiden’s hard chest. His grip dropped to my hips and he placed a sensual kiss on my shoulder.

  I would’ve been totally turned on if I wasn’t about to flip out.

  “This place is a big tourist attraction,” he went on, seemingly oblivious to my inner turmoil. “At some point, we’ll do some filming here for the show.”

  I couldn’t respond. All I could think about was falling off the saddle. Or being thrown to the ground and trampled to death. Or the horse taking off at a runaway gallop and me being powerless to stop it.

  “Whoa. You’re shaking.” Gently grabbing my shoulders, Aiden turned me around and peered into my frightened eyes. “You’re really scared.”

  Ducking my head, I murmured, “Told you so.”

  Dolly chose that moment to stomp a foot and blow out a loud breath.

  I jumped.

  Lips pressed into a thin line, Aiden studied me for a few beats. His eyes zeroed in on the nail I was biting.

  He placed his hand at the small of my back and gently pushed me toward the way we came in. “Come on.”

  “Wait, where are we going?”

  His easy-going grin didn’t hold one hint of disappointment or judgment. “To the beach.”

  “But what about Dolly and Fergus?”

  “Corrie, I didn’t realize it was this serious. I’m not going to push you into doing something you’re not comfortable with. Was it always this bad when you were younger?”

  “Yes and no,” I replied, clutching a handful of the back of his shirt in my white-knuckled fingers. “My parents sent me to therapy for a year when I was thirteen, but it didn’t help. I think they thought it was a phase, and I was under the impression that I’d grow out of it. Adults aren’t supposed to be scared, you know? When I realized it wasn’t going away, I just started avoiding nerve-racking situations all together.”

  “Makes sense. I’ll just avoid them with you, then.”

  It was totally sweet of Aiden to be this supportive. I hadn’t expected him to mold so easily to my quirks. He wasn’t the least bit upset that he had to forego all his plans.

  Right before we could reach the doorway, I rooted my feet to the concrete.

  I wasn’t sure if it was because Aiden was taking the pressure off or if it was sheer curiosity about what I was missing out on, but suddenly, I wanted to go through with it.

  I didn’t know what the future held for Aiden and me, but if I left here without snatching up every opportunity to live life to the fullest—with him—I’d never forgive myself.

  “Are the horses well-behaved?” I asked hesitantly, wringing my hands together. “Tame or whatever?”

  Aiden nodded. “I asked for the best. They’re used to being ridden by different people every day.”

  “Maybe I could just pet them for a while.”

  “It’s a good place to start. Whatever we do next, it’s up to you. As long as we’re together, I don’t care.” Cupping my face in his palms, Aiden leaned down and softly pressed his lips to mine.

  As our mouths melded, his hands moved down. Thumbs grazed my neck. Fingertips skimmed over my collarbone. My nipples hardened when his gentle descent didn’t stop at the neckline of my dress.

  I felt the drag of his fingers over the cotton fabric. Automatically arching my back, I offered my breasts, and Aiden didn’t disappoint. He took one in each hand and squeezed.

  I gasped, trembling for a completely different reason now.

  If he was trying to distract me, copping a feel was a really good tactic. Aiden sucked on my tongue and gave me one last peck before disconnecting the kiss.

  Panting, he bumped our foreheads together. “I want you so bad.”

  Music to my ears. “Want you back.”

  “You want to get out of here? Go somewhere with even more privacy?”

  Well, yeah. But first, I wanted to show Aiden how safe he made me feel
.

  Turning my head, I gave the stalls at the end a good hard look. Then I started walking that way, slowly, staying connected to Aiden by our hooked pinkies.

  Dolly’s head was no longer sticking out, but Fergus seemed to be waiting for us. Fighting my apprehension, I reached out and lightly grazed the side of his face.

  And it was… not terrible.

  Completely letting go of Aiden, I brought both hands up and touched the top of his nose.

  “So soft,” I whispered, worried I would spook him if I spoke too loudly.

  He stayed still—like he was afraid to spook me—as I stroked downward. His snout was like velvet. For some reason I thought it might be prickly or rough, but the texture was so pleasant.

  Bending to the floor, Aiden grabbed a carrot from a bucket. “Wanna feed them?”

  Dolly’s head popped out in search of food and happily gobbled the carrot straight from Aiden’s palm. Massive teeth crunched loudly on the vegetable.

  Baby steps.

  I shook my head. “You can have that honor.”

  Keeping it fair, he gave one to Fergus. After the chomping was over, the velvet snout brushed against my arm and I was super proud of myself for not jerking away as he sniffed my skin and my dress.

  Long black hair flowed from his mane and I couldn’t resist combing my fingers through the coarse strands.

  He puffed and gently nudged me again, like he was saying thank you.

  “I—I think he likes me,” I whispered to Aiden, and he chuckled.

  “Smart horse.”

  I continued petting Fergus, and I looked into his eyes. Dark eyelashes hooded rich brown irises, and maybe it was my imagination, but I could’ve sworn they were filled with patience and understanding.

  As our gazes stayed locked, a calm determination came over me.

  “I want to ride. Can I have Fergus?”

  Aiden leaned in to kiss my temple. “Corrie, you can have anything you want.”

  “WHAT’S IT CALLED WHEN YOU have a phobia of feet?”

  Aiden’s random question distracted me from the way I teetered in the saddle, still unskilled at moving my body with the motion of Fergus’s ambling gait.