by Danube Adele
“It’s a rainbow slide,” Meli pointed out. “And once you slide down, you’re going to be really happy.”
“I’m happy now.”
Meli frowned, her lips pursed in consideration. “I don’t think so. I think you pretend. But if you look for a rainbow, then you could sit on it and slide down into the fluffy, happy clouds.”
Ouch. The sting came back with a vengeance. No quarter being given this night, not even from our smallest members. Was I happy? The courage to ask that question of myself had come in short supply, which was another way of saying that I didn’t want to look.
“Let Auntie Ceci eat some food. I bet she’s hungry, baby.” Something must have shown on my face because Corinne stood to give me a hug. In quiet tones, she said, “Eat some food. Get some sleep. You look tired, C.” Of all my cousins, she was the oldest, and the one who was least likely to pry. I appreciated that and nodded my thanks.
I finally got to the buffet line, after thirty minutes of everyone sharing news or wanting to know what I was up to. Then I was finally able to sit down at a relatively empty table that Henry had found, put my big bag down, and eat something.
After taking a bite of luscious chile rellenos, and after giving a heartfelt groan of pleasure, I finally managed to ask, “How’s Michael doing?” Michael was Henry’s boyfriend. They’d been living together for several months, but only I knew about it. Most of my other cousins didn’t know how to keep news like that to themselves, so we kept them out of the loop.
“He’s doing really well. He got a job with a firm, which means more money. Finally.”
“Does that mean you’re going back to school?”
“I’m not sure. Maybe.” Henry had always wanted to be a physical therapist and was working as a trainer at one of the local gyms. Healthiest person in the whole family. Constantly getting on everyone’s case for eating so many carbs, which came with the territory when eating Mexican food.
Sipping my tart margarita, I warned, “Don’t let too much time go. It’s hard to get back into the habit of school the longer you take time off.”
“I know, I know. You’ve told me this before.” He tore a piece of corn tortilla in preparation for loading it with saucy goodness off his plate.
“See how smart I am? You should listen to me.” More bites of chile rellenos.
“Like you listen to anyone. That doctor, Mr. Blond Hunk, is dying to get in your pants and you just shake your tail at him.”
There was no way that was ever going to happen. My eye roll and arched brow gave him the gist of my feelings. “Really, Henry? He’s dying to get into any girl’s pants. That’s not going to be me.”
“Unfortunately, I know that. I lived with you long enough to know that you don’t have anything going on that’s even remotely sexually interesting. You need to start getting some action or everything is going to go into deep freeze.”
“Good thing I’m a doctor and know better.” The Viking had brought things back to life quickly enough. My heart gave a quick rat-a-tat-tat at the memory.
At this point, the band took a quick break and my parents grabbed the microphone. My mom was the first one to talk.
Still beautiful, with hardly more than a few gray hairs daring to make their presence known in her elegant chignon, she stood with regal bearing looking out at everyone, a smile of contentment on her face. My handsome father was next to her. He leaned down to whisper something in her ear which made her blush and lightly whack him on the chest in playful reprimand.
It made my heart ache. So lovely. They belonged to each other. She belonged to him. He belonged to her. Just the two of them. There was meaning in that one look, a wealth of unspoken words understood without having to be verbalized. For just a moment, I felt truly alone in a room full of people and wished so hard I could go back in time and change the past. I’d felt that with Carlos, a closeness that excluded all others. Hey, Tiger. How are the wicked seven?
“First, I want to thank you all for coming. It was about thirty-two or so years ago that a tall handsome graduate student, that I absolutely loathed, came to my rescue when I had a flat tire and no knowledge of how to change it. He was the T.A. in my Latin American History class, and I’d just questioned his very superior knowledge on the subject. Of course, he arrogantly told me that I was missing the point of the reading entirely, and that maybe I should focus more on my studies and less on trying to be a beauty queen.”
The family laughed, knowing this story well, but loving the retelling of it anyway. Even my father laughed and tried to look chagrined.
“We don’t have to try to be beautiful in this family, Garret! It just comes naturally,” my Auntie Patricia called.
My dad called out, “Trust me. I know.”
“Anyway, I wanted nothing to do with that man, but I came to see that Garret was actually very kind and caring. We started going out and he became my partner in all things. We shared many firsts together. Our first date was at a coffee shop, where I suddenly realized this man who acted like a pompous jerk was actually nervous, shredding the napkin on the table into these sort of long strips. I remember our first road trip together, driving that beat-up van across the country in the month of July when it was hotter than blazes and there was no air-conditioning in the darn thing. I think we broke down in a few backwoods places that were questionable. I remember our first kiss, when you first proposed, the moment we were first pronounced husband and wife, our first home together, and rushing to the hospital when my water broke. There were many other firsts of tremendous weight, but I could be here all night. The firsts keep coming, sweetheart, and I’m so glad I get to have them with you.”
My dad pulled my mother into a tender embrace as everyone clapped. He looked like he was fighting a tear, and seeing my big, strong dad fighting a tear made my own eyes burn. Pulling back, he ran a knuckle under one eye and grabbed the mic.
“You gave my life meaning, love. Why you looked twice at me, I’ll never know, but I’ve always known I was the luckiest man on this Earth, and to get to have another thirty years with you would be heaven.”
Spontaneous applause broke out again, with whistles and cheers and calls for another thirty years. I smiled and clapped, so proud of them. They were together. They’d made that promise and were keeping it.
I loved the idea of that promise, cherished it, but it just wasn’t meant to be for me.
“When did you first see Carlos?”
I darned near choked on the margarita I was drinking as the voice came at me from my right. Henry even looked surprised. How in the world my little abuelita could sneak up on a person, I would never figure out.
“Hi, Grandma Nena.” I set down my glass and turned to give her a hug, breathing her lavender scent as she sat next to me. Nothing ever went wrong that she couldn’t fix. She was dressed in a soft, lovely floral pattern, looking like a grand matriarch from a bygone day. With striking silver hair that bobbed softly around her face, she looked innocent enough, but she could probably call a hit man out on you and maintain that same expression. She was not one to pull punches, which was why I hoped she was good and drunk. “How are you? How’s your health?”
She wasn’t deterred. When I pulled back, she took my hand firmly in both of hers. “I need to talk with you, Ceci, and it’s very important. I couldn’t sleep all night because of the dreams I was having. Now please tell me. How old were you when you first met Carlos?”
My stomach knotted, and hunger slid away quietly. Dreams. And somehow, they had something to do with Carlos. I was afraid of that, especially since I’d had one with him recently. I understood dreams. They were nothing to kid about in our family. It was well-known that some of us were born more...sensitive.
Now, my first instinct was to brush off her question with redirection to try and avoid the discussion all together, but one, she wasn’t goin
g to let me get away with that, and two, the intense look on her face was not only giving me goose bumps on my arms, but letting me know she was going to have her say no matter what. I looked over at Henry with an unfamiliar helplessness. He winced his apology, not that I expected him to be able to help me. There was no getting out of this.
“Tell me, Cecita.” Everyone seemed to be naturally keeping their distance from us at this point, careful to avoid the line of fire, and even the music faded into the background. This was the power of my abuelita.
I took a deep breath and prepared to face the dragon.
Carlos’s image sprang easily to mind, his smiling face, his dark eyes winking playfully at me. My heart panged, feeling that emptiness beside me in life, the loss of my best friend, the loss of a future, the proverbial kids’ rooms that would never be filled. He had always been part of this family. He had always come to our gatherings. My heart was feeling particularly raw because of the young widow’s shocked expression earlier. It was seared on my heart.
On the tail end of a sigh, and not with great enthusiasm, I said, “Since the crib. I’ve never not known him. You know our moms were good friends since college. He was almost two years older than me, but we did everything together. I was more like one of the guys than he was.”
Her expression was sympathetic but firm. “You had many years of good times.”
“We did.” She knew all this. Why was she making me say it?
“There’s a reason I ask this, Ceci.”
The sting was back, but this time it spread. My eyes welled up. “I loved him very much, Grandma. Very much. We played together as children. He was my first boyfriend and we made all these plans. He was going to be an architect or a city planner, something like that. He loved to build things. He’s the reason I worked so hard to graduate early from high school. I wanted to go to college at the same time as him. He was also the reason I became a doctor.” I’d wished so hard to know how to save him. It had been a survivable wound. I knew that now.
My grandma frowned. “Do you see the way you think of him? You give him everything and take nothing for yourself. You always wanted to heal things. Fix things. I remember. That was not about him. That was always inside of you. You have to hear your own thinking, my love.”
I wondered where she was going with this. Trepidation thinned my lips as I waited for her to make a connection that wouldn’t hurt my heart.
“He wanted to build things, and you always wanted to heal things. Remember that baby bird you found on the canyon trail? You were staying with me for the week, and you came home crying because you were sure it was going to die? That was all you, and it wasn’t the first time.”
“I guess so.” I smiled at the memory. “As I recall, it did die.”
“It left the nest wrong, had something happen to it. It needed more time to grow and mature so it could fly right. That’s why it died. It couldn’t grow without the right conditions. Me entiendes?” Do you understand me? Her eyes, the same vibrant green as my own, held my gaze firmly. She wasn’t going to let me go. She was going to make me face this whether I wanted to or not.
Was this supposed to be a metaphor for my life? I’d come out of the nest wrong and couldn’t grow?
My grandma nodded her head for emphasis. “But you know what else I knew?”
Trying not to sound ticked and exasperated, both of which I was, I replied dutifully, “What?”
“He wasn’t for you. He didn’t have enough fire in his blood. Someone else was meant for you. I know this.”
“How can you know that? I’m sorry, but that’s silly, Grandma. He was for me. We were planning to get married. The night he died? We were talking about getting engaged.” Actually, I was the one talking about getting married, and he was telling me we needed to wait. I’d kept that shameful secret hidden from everyone, unable to let the light touch it, but it had done damage.
“You were sixteen years old, Ceci! You were a child!”
“I was almost seventeen, and that doesn’t matter. He was my plan. He was my future.” Why did I feel like I’d just had this conversation? Why did people think age mattered so much? Was that somehow supposed to lessen the experience? Make it more trivial?
“Carlos is gone, Ceci. He is not going to come back.”
“I know, Grandma.” I was there. The argument was still fresh in my mind. My memory viciously slapped me with the imagery, played out the sound again, pop-pop-pop-pop! We should have been in that theater. We should have been out of the way of danger. Stupid kid trying to get into a gang. He hadn’t cared who he shot.
“Does that mean you will no longer have a future?” my grandmother demanded. She wouldn’t let this go.
Deep breath in, deep breath out. “I don’t know what it means, but I’m not going to decide it right now.” I remember feeling so clever. I had been using my newfound feminine wiles to try and manipulate him. He just wanted to go see the movie. I was being so stupid and selfish, trying to demand I get my way.
Guilt was a heavy weight to shoulder. It stared me down, mad-dogged me, kept me in my place.
Her green eyes, my eyes, unflinchingly stared into mine. “I had a dream last night, m’hijita. Carlos was walking this life with you, tied to you. He was trying to leave, but you didn’t let go. You had heart tethers wound around his body, his spirit, and he was becoming angry that you couldn’t let him discover what was next on his path.”
“It was just a dream, Grandma.” The weight of her pronouncement squeezed my insides because it had a ring of truth I didn’t want to acknowledge. To do so would mean change. I gave her a wide smile, as though I were in disbelief, but in reality, my heart hurt. My dreams kept us connected. He visited me every few months, usually to tell me about someone that needed special healing. It was the least I could do. I owed it to him. If he needed a life saved, I would move heaven and earth to save it. Always.
My grandmother gave me a fierce glare, not liking that I was trying to minimize her dreams. “No, Ceci! No. You’re always, always thinking of this boy. You have no place in your heart. There is no room.” She reached out to hold my other hand as well, and I just barely squashed the feeling of needing to jerk my hands away from hers. I didn’t want to hear this.
I tried a lighthearted laugh. “Of course there’s room. These things take time. I just haven’t met the right one yet.” There wasn’t anyone who would be able to share the bond I had had with Carlos. He had belonged to me, and I had belonged to him. Like my parents. At least I’d always thought so. It frightened me that I was having a harder and harder time trying to recapture what our relationship had felt like, what he’d smelled like, the laundry soap he’d used...
“Two things cannot be in the same place, Ceci. You think only of that boy. He takes the place in your heart. Always. He walks with you. I can see him. You put him in the place he can no longer have. As long as you give him that place, you will never let another have that place beside you. In my dream, he wanted to move on, but he couldn’t get free.” She shook her head with confusion. “Why is this? Why do you stay with him? You have nothing to prove! There is no blame in what happened. It wasn’t your fault! You must let him go. That is the only way. Find the courage to face life without him!”
Her words wove through my mind and heart with painful finality. My hands trembled, and I delicately pulled them away, feeling like the adhesive bandage had just been ripped off an exposed wound. The cold air rubbed painfully. I needed to put it back on to stop the sting. I needed to end this conversation before I completely lost my cool.
“I’m not doing anything. This is silly.” Not see him anymore? Let him go? Then what? He was my very best friend in the world! Panic rose, and my mind searched for his image once again. His look of questioning concern touched on the projection screen of my mind, and I desperately wished I could pour out my heart to him again, bu
t he wasn’t here, just like she said. He never would be again. And who knew when I’d be able to dream of him. I needed to get away from her all-seeing eyes. There was nothing wrong with my life. If I wasn’t unhappy, then she needed to accept that.
She stood, kissed the top of my head and bent to embrace me. “It’s okay. You be mad at me, but this I say. He is dead. He will not come back for you. There is no life in wishing for something that will never be.”
“I’m not wishing for anything.”
“That’s right. You’re not wishing for anything. Busy, busy, busy, always busy. I ask your mom about what you’re doing and she says, ‘Oh, Ceci’s doing this, Ceci’s doing that, Ceci’s going here, Ceci’s going there.’ Always busy, busy, busy, but only with things that keep you so you don’t have to look at your life, my love. You must look, Ceci. Look in your heart.”
“All right. I’ll think about it.” I should have gone with my first instincts and stayed home.
“And Henry,” my grandmother pulled away from me and gave him a stern look. “You bring that boy to meet your family. You make it right with all of us.”
Henry’s eyes went round. His mouth slack. A moist sheen had him blinking rapidly. Shock kept him speechless. Satisfied with her work for the night, my grandmother calmly walked away.
“Bring that boy? She is spooky.” Henry smiled after a moment of awe. Then he saw the destruction on my face and the bubble of excitement died. “Are you all right?”
“I don’t know.” I covered my face, and let the darkness soothe me. Deep breath in, deep breath out.
“Hey, don’t worry about her, C. She cares about you. She wants to see you happy, and all that talk about blame or guilt is just her trying to figure out if there’s something bothering you. Don’t take it to heart.”
Maybe it was a night to come clean. The truth was sitting on the bench glaring at me. I needed it to go away. Exorcise it. “Henry, there are a lot of things that keep me up at night.”