by Amy Cheung
“You’re not going to cry over me. You’ll get over it soon.”
“Don’t sell the apartment. It’s yours,” he said.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t not sell it. I can’t live here.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll move home, or maybe rent another place.”
“I’m begging you. Please don’t go.” He stood before me, putting aside his manly pride to plead with me. I’d never once seen him grovel like this. I’d always been his darling, his damsel in distress. Now, the way he was begging me to stay, he was the one who was like a child. It broke my heart. If you really, truly love a man, you don’t ever want to see him in a state where he’s groveling and helpless.
“I have no choice,” I replied coldheartedly.
He just stood there, as if he’d just received the most devastating blow of his entire life. He put his hands in his pockets and forced a fleeting, pained smile.
“OK, then.” He forced the words out.
He wasn’t going to ask me again. He wasn’t going to ask his damsel in distress, because this time she’d turned her back on him.
“I’m leaving,” he said calmly. Sam had turned back into a grown man.
To my own surprise, I couldn’t find the words to respond. I was a heartbeat away from telling him to stay.
At this completely inopportune moment, the phone rang.
“Good-bye.” Sam opened the door.
I watched as that strong profile of his disappeared out the door.
I sprinted to pick up the phone.
“Hello? Chow Jeoi, did you call me?” It was Chen Dingleung.
“Hold on a second.”
I put down the receiver and went over to the window. Sam was walking out of the building. I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer.
He’d always told me that things would be perfect if we’d only met each other earlier. But no one can ever travel back in time. Funny how our meeting had been marred by bad timing, whereas our breakup seemed to have been blessed with perfect timing.
I picked up the receiver. “Hello? Sorry about that.”
“No worries.”
“Where are you?” I asked him.
“I’m in French Polynesia.”
French Polynesia? The place that was eighteen hours behind Hong Kong?
“I came here to celebrate my fortieth birthday,” Chen Dingleung said breezily.
There was no doubt about it: he and I were definitely born on the same day.
“I’m eighteen hours younger over here. I don’t have to celebrate my fortieth birthday until tonight!” he said merrily.
“When you come back to Hong Kong, won’t things return to normal?” I said gloomily.
“Youth is just a state of mind.”
“You’re only going to get an extra eighteen hours of youth.”
“Eighteen hours can make a difference in a lot of things,” he said.
If Sam’s father-in-law had fallen ill eighteen hours later, Sam and I might not have broken up, and I might have continued to harbor the same delusions.
“What are doing with those extra eighteen hours of youth?” I was somewhat curious.
“Nothing. I’m just enjoying the time that I get to be young. That’s my birthday present to myself.”
“Happy birthday,” I said.
“Same to you. But your birthday has actually passed, hasn’t it?”
“Yes, it’s over,” I said.
“So why did you call me?”
“I remembered that you had the same birthday as me, so I wanted to wish you a happy birthday, that’s all.”
“Is that so?” He sounded disappointed.
“How did you know I was looking for you?”
“I just checked in a minute ago to see if anyone called me.”
“If you’re so swept up in your extra eighteen hours of youth, why did you call back?”
“I wanted to see why you’d called me.”
“This long-distance call must be expensive. I’ll let you go,” I said.
“All right. I’ll be in touch when I get back.”
Why did being single lead me towards Chen Dingleung and not Sam?
“How was your birthday?” Yau Ying asked me the next day when she entered the lingerie shop.
I told her that Sam and I had broken up.
“Do you need us to keep you company while you grieve for a night—or for the next month?”
Yau Ying was truly sweet and caring. She didn’t bother asking me about what had happened. She just wanted to make me feel better.
“Even a month probably won’t be enough,” I said. “It’s going to take years. Five years of love is going to take five years to recover from.”
“Don’t worry, I can keep you company for five years. But do you have five years to spend being sad? You’ll be thirty-five by then,” Yau Ying said.
“I’m going to sell the apartment,” I said.
“Why?”
“If I don’t want a man, then why would I want his money?” I said.
“Lots of women run off with a man’s money even if they don’t want him.”
“I don’t hate him,” I said.
After work, Yau Ying went with me to the realtor.
“Why don’t you go to more than one realtor? That way, more people will come look at the apartment and you can sell it faster,” Yau Ying said.
But I wasn’t in any hurry to sell the apartment.
A couple of nights later, I finally got a call from Sam.
“I didn’t think you’d be home,” he said.
I hadn’t heard his voice in three days.
“If you didn’t think I’d be home, why’d you call me, then?”
“I was worried you’d pick up,” he said.
I’d thought of calling him, too, and yet I knew full well that I’d try to do it when he wasn’t there. Though we could hurt one another with our words, we were also comforted when we got the other’s phone call.
“How have you been these past few days?” he asked me.
“I’m getting ready to sell the apartment.”
“Why do you have to do that?”
“I have to give you back the money.”
“I’m deeply indebted to you,” he said.
“But you don’t owe me money,” I said.
“I don’t see it that way . . .”
“I’m really selfish, aren’t I?” I asked him.
“No. A woman should think about what’s best for her. I’m the selfish one. I shouldn’t be wasting your time.”
He didn’t understand. I was more than willing to waste my time on him. I didn’t mind wasting my time. But I couldn’t stand the fact that he belonged to someone else’s family. He didn’t just belong to another woman; he belonged to a whole other family. Weren’t their bonds so strong that he couldn’t break them? There was no way I was going to win against a family.
“I hope you find happiness in the future,” he said.
I choked back sobs.
“Jeoi, please don’t fall in love with another man who’s already married. Men don’t have the courage to get divorced.”
“You’re making me cry.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t be there for you. You have to take care of yourself.”
“I’ll let you know when I get married someday.” I laughed sardonically.
“Please don’t . . . ,” he said.
“You don’t want to know?”
“I’m better off not knowing.”
“You’re too detached,” I grumbled at him.
“If I could handle hearing the news that you got married, that’d mean that I didn’t love you anymore.”
“You’ll stop loving me sooner or later.”
“You never loved me in the first place.”
“That’s not true.” I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“You must think I’m happy being caught in the middle.”
“I don’t think you’re hap
py, but I’m positive that it’s more painful for me than it is for you.”
Sam said nothing.
“I have to go to bed,” I said.
I couldn’t fall asleep, so I went to a convenience store nearby and bought some gin and soda. When I got back, I mixed them together and gulped the drink down. It was a good makeshift sleeping pill.
I woke up at noon the next day after a restless night of sleep. The phone rang. I figured it was probably Sam again. It almost seemed like he didn’t believe that I was really leaving him.
“I’m back!” It was Chen Dingleung.
“Oh, really?” I said groggily. I had an awful headache.
“When are you free for dinner?”
“How about tonight?” I said.
That night at dinner, Chen Dingleung scrutinized me. “Your eyes are puffy,” he said.
“They are? Did you have fun during your extra eighteen hours of youth?”
“You should go there sometime.”
“I’m younger than you. I don’t need to go somewhere else to be young.”
“Right. The place you need to go is Cherbourg.”
I’d probably never go to Cherbourg. I had no interest in going by myself.
Chen Dingleung handed me a paper bag. “Happy birthday.”
“Is this a birthday present?” I was taken aback.
“Why don’t you open it and have a look?”
I opened the paper bag and pulled out a backless black velvet dress with a giant bow at the waist and diamond-encrusted shoulder straps. I was stunned. It was the design I’d sketched in my fashion design class—except I thought that I’d thrown it away.
“This dress looks familiar,” I said.
“Of course it does. You designed it,” Chen Dingleung said.
“If I sketched this design, does that mean that you secretly looked at it?”
“I didn’t secretly look at it.”
“Then how did you know?”
“You threw it in the recycling bin, which is where I got it from,” he said. “I’d never made anything from someone else’s design before. This was a special exception.”
“How much do I owe you?”
“C’mon, it’s a birthday present.”
“Thank you.”
“You can wear this dress when you go out to dinner with your boyfriend.”
“I broke up with him,” I said.
Chen Dingleung stared at me in astonishment. I detected a fleeting hint of pleasure on his face, which he quickly replaced with a more sympathetic expression.
“Did you break up on your birthday?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Didn’t you call to wish me a happy birthday that day?” He looked a little smug.
Chen Dingleung probably imagined that I’d been thinking of him at my darkest hour and that meant I had feelings for him. That might have been the case, but I wasn’t going to admit it. A more logical explanation was that I knew he had feelings for me, and he was pretty much my only male friend. What I had really wanted at that moment was to seek out the comfort of a member of the opposite sex, which was why I thought of him.
“No, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” I wasn’t about to give him that satisfaction.
“That’s really it? You just wanted to say happy birthday?”
“Yes,” I said resolutely.
“It’s not because of a one in three hundred sixty-five chance of fate?” He wasn’t going to let it drop.
“It’s because of a one in three hundred sixty-five chance of friendship,” I said. “Most couples on this planet don’t have the same birthday.”
“Most unhappy couples on this planet have different birthdays,” Chen Dingleung said.
“Which means that there’s nothing special about having the same birthday.”
“If you thought of me when you and your boyfriend broke up, there’s something to it,” he insisted.
“There’s no way I can prove to you that I don’t have feelings for you, is there?” I said, suddenly angry.
“You don’t have to deny it if it’s true,” he said arrogantly.
“You just gave me a birthday present. I didn’t get you anything,” I said.
“Why did you just tell me that you broke up with your boyfriend, then?” he said.
“Because I thought you were my friend. But right now, you disgust me!” I said, standing up.
Chen Dingleung looked shocked.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I shouldn’t have said that. ‘Disgust’ is a word that’s actually dear to my heart. You don’t deserve my disgust. You repulse me!” I spun around and left.
I never dreamed that I’d get so upset with Chen Dingleung. Maybe I just needed someone to take my anger out on, and he just happened to irritate me right then.
“I’m sorry,” Chen Dingleung said, coming up behind me and grabbing my arm.
“Let go!” I yelled and shook him off.
I ran into an elevator, but Chen Dingleung managed to hold the elevator doors open. I don’t know how I found the strength, but I ruthlessly kicked him in the knee. He staggered back, and the doors closed. Inside the elevator, I couldn’t help but let out a wail. I really missed Sam. Why couldn’t I have the one thing I really wanted? Why did he have to be someone else’s husband? What was I doing here with this Chen Dingleung guy, feeling things out? Having lost Sam, had I also lost my last shred of dignity? When it came down to it, I missed Sam like crazy.
Even so, I couldn’t run back to his side. I just couldn’t. It had already been hard enough to break up with him. I couldn’t go back.
I exited the elevator and stumbled onto the street.
“Chow Jeoi!” Chen Dingleung was suddenly heading towards me.
I didn’t want him to see me crying. The more he kept calling out to me, the faster I ran.
“I’m sorry!” Chen Dingleung cried, catching up to me.
“I don’t want to have anything to do with you!” I said.
He handed the dress to me and said, “Here. You forgot this.”
I took the dress, then scrambled into a taxi.
After seeing Chen Dingleung, I loved Sam even more.
When I got home, I soaked in a hot bath. As I was getting out, someone knocked on my door. It was Kwok Seon.
“I thought you’d left for the evening. The door to the cake shop was locked when I passed by a little while ago. Come on in.”
“I said I’d let you know if there was any good news,” Kwok Seon said, grinning.
Although I was in no mood for good news just then, there was nothing I could do but put on a smile.
“Remember how I told you that a friend of mine invited me to an alumni association dance? Well, I met someone there.”
“Who?”
“The owner of a congee shop.”
“Someone who sells food, just like you!”
“That’s how we hit it off. It’s a very elegant restaurant in Causeway Bay. When you have some time, I’ll take you there for a bowl of congee.”
“Sounds good.”
“Are you selling this apartment?” Kwok Seon asked. “I saw an ad for it at the realtor.”
“Yes.”
“So you’re moving? Are you getting married?”
I shook my head.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Has anyone come to look at the apartment?” she asked me.
“The agent has been trying to schedule appointments, but I haven’t been able to make time.”
“I really like this place. Why don’t you sell it to me?”
“You want to buy it?”
“I‘ve been looking for a place near the shop. Instead of selling it to someone else, why don’t you sell it to me and save yourself the cost of the broker’s commission?”
“Let me think about it.”
Although I’d wanted to sell the apartment, I became hesitant as soon as someone said they wanted to buy it.
“Where is this?” Kwok Seon pointed at the puzzle, which I’d framed again after Sam had put it together.
“That’s a restaurant in Cherbourg.”
“It’s gorgeous. I wish I could sell my cakes in a place like that,” Kwok Seon said, admiring the puzzle.
“That restaurant might only be imaginary,” I said.
For the next few days, I kept going back and forth over whether I should sell the apartment. One day, Chui Yuk and Yau Ying arrived on my doorstep with some take-out food.
“It’s a shame you’re selling this place,” Chui Yuk said.
“The lady who owns the cake shop wants to buy it,” I said.
“What is it that you have reservations about?” Yau Ying asked me.
“She can’t bring herself to sell it,” said Chui Yuk.
She was right. I couldn’t.
“If I were you, I wouldn’t sell it,” Chui Yuk said. “It’ll make a nice memento. It contains Sam’s scent!”
It was true. I could still smell Sam’s scent lingering in our bed.
“She wants to forget him. Regardless of whether you sell it or not, you do have to make a decision. If you don’t sell it now, the value might go down, and you won’t be able to get the price you wanted,” Yau Ying said.
“I know.”
“So is Chen Dingleung in the picture now?” Chui Yuk asked.
“I’m sick of that whole business,” I said.
“Yu Mogwo is waiting for him to do the cover design. You should get in touch with him soon,” Chui Yuk said.
“I’ll call him tomorrow,” I said.
“Why don’t you just give him a call now?” Chui Yuk picked up the phone and handed it to me.
So I called him. When he answered, I handed the phone over to Chui Yuk and let her talk to him directly.
“Well?” I asked Chui Yuk when she had hung up.
“Why don’t you want to talk to him?” Chui Yuk asked.
“What did he say?” I asked, ignoring her question.
“He wants to meet with Yu Mogwo. We made plans for lunch tomorrow. You’re coming, too.”
“No.” I didn’t want to see Chen Dingleung.
“What a beautiful dress! Where’d you get it?” Yau Ying asked. She had discovered the dress that Chen Dingleung gave me, which was lying on my bed.
“Chen Dingleung made it,” I said.