by Amy Cheung
No tears would come out of me. How could he do this to me?
I’d seen him outside my window. He’d knocked on my window. There, in the freezing cold, he’d knocked on my window. That had only been the day before. When he left, I’d watched him pass by my window. He was walking, and he was alive.
“Ms. Chow, can I walk you out?” Jeung Gaacung asked.
“No thank you.” I tried to stand up, but was so shaky I fell to my knees.
“Are you all right?” he asked as he helped me back up.
“I’m going home.”
“Let me take you there.”
“No.”
I didn’t know how to find my way back home.
“Here’s my business card in case you need anything.” Jeung Gaacung handed me his card. “Can I call a friend for you? Someone who can come get you?”
I shook my head.
Sam was dead. At death’s door, his last words had been “Do you still love me?” He’d been expecting me to tell him that I loved him. But I had coldly refused to answer. I only wanted to get even with him. I wanted him to come find me again. I wanted him to say that he would get divorced for me. I thought there’d be other chances in the future, that he’d come for me again. I’d imagined there’d be a tomorrow and the day after tomorrow . . . But really, I’d only hurt myself. Why had I been so callous towards him? He died believing that I didn’t love him anymore. How could I have been so cruel? Why didn’t I ask him to stay the night? When they carried him out, his pager wouldn’t stop going off. That was me. I’d been trying to page him. I’d never imagined that this was how things would end between us. He was just about to come back to me.
Late that night, the phone rang at my apartment. I picked up the receiver.
“Hello . . . who is this?”
There was no sound from the other end.
“Who is this?”
No answer.
“Who is this?” I kept asking.
I sensed that it was Sam, and that he was calling me from wherever he was.
“I love you.”
I spoke the words that I’d never told him.
Whoever was on the other end hung up.
Was it a dream, or had Sam really called me from wherever he was?
I clutched the telephone, but it didn’t ring again.
At daybreak, I called Jeung Gaacung.
“I want to see him,” I said.
“That’s going to be difficult. The corpse is at the funeral home.”
It was the first time I’d heard someone use the word “corpse” to describe Sam. Within two short days, he’d become a corpse.
“I want to see him. He called me last night,” I said.
“What?” He sounded stupefied.
“Please help me find a way,” I begged.
“The funeral is on Wednesday.”
“Where?”
“His wife will be there. It might not be appropriate for you to show up at the funeral home.”
“I want to be there,” I said.
“I see,” Jeung Gaacung said. “I’ll try to find a way for you to see him the day before the funeral.”
On Tuesday morning, I called Jeung Gaacung.
“Did you have any luck making arrangements for me to see Sam?” I asked him.
“Meet me downstairs in front of the office at eight tonight, OK?” he said.
I was there at 7:00. Jeung Gaacung came out at 8:00.
“Let’s go find a place to sit down and talk,” he said.
“Why? Don’t we have to go?”
He was silent.
“There’s no way for you to get me around his wife, is that it?”
“I’m sorry. Sam’s funeral was yesterday.”
“You said it was tomorrow!”
“It was suddenly moved forward.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Sam’s wife never left the funeral home. His relatives were there, too. You wouldn’t have been welcome.”
“So you deliberately lied to me! I never should have trusted you!”
I’d never felt so helpless. I didn’t even have the right to see him one last time, and I was the woman he’d been sleeping with for the past five years!
“Why did you have to lie to me?”
I yanked Jeung Gaacung’s coat. I hated him.
“Ms. Chow, I just didn’t want you to feel bad about it. That’s what Sam would have wanted, isn’t it? Everyone has to die. It makes no difference whether you see him or not. If there had been a scene at the funeral home, Sam wouldn’t be able to leave this world in peace, would he?”
“Where is his grave? Please tell me.”
“He was cremated,” he said.
“Cremated? Why?” They hadn’t left me even a corpse. “What about the remains? What about his remains?”
“They’re at his home,” Jeung Gaacung said.
At his home? He’d vanished in a puff of smoke, without allowing me even a glimpse of him.
“I’m sorry,” Jeung Gaacung said.
I shouldn’t have listened to him. I never should have trusted him. If Sam were here to see me being mistreated like this, he’d have stepped in and rescued me. I was certain of it.
I went back to my old apartment.
Kwok Seon opened the door.
“Ms. Chow? Is everything all right? You don’t look so well.”
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
As I stepped inside the apartment, I saw that it was still decorated the way it had been before. The bed Sam and I used to sleep in was still there, and I went over and climbed onto the side where he had always slept, trying to soak up whatever was left of his warmth.
“Will you sell this apartment back to me? I want to live here,” I said.
“What . . . ?”
“How much do you want? I can give you a better price than you paid. Please, I’m begging you!”
“Why would you want to do such a thing?”
“I regret selling it.”
“If that’s what you really want, no problem.”
“Really?”
“I imagine that you must have a reason.”
“I’ll go get the money tomorrow. Can I sleep here tonight?”
“Of course. It’s only me here anyhow.”
The following day, I went to the bank and discovered that my account had been drained. What had happened to that $2.8 million? Had Sam cashed that check? The teller told me that the check had been cashed the day before.
Sam couldn’t have cashed the check since he was dead. So who had deposited the money into his account? I couldn’t think of anyone except his wife.
I called Kwok Seon and told her that I couldn’t buy the apartment back.
I’d lost everything except that plot of land and that calf, Cherbourg.
I went to the farm to check on Cherbourg.
“Have you decided what kind of vegetables you’re going to grow?” Ms. Lee asked.
I shook my head.
“You have to sow the seeds in spring,” she said.
Spring? Spring seemed so far away. I put my arms around Cherbourg. He was born the night before Sam died. Sam had given him to me when he was still in his mother’s womb, and by the time Cherbourg arrived in this world, Sam had already vanished.
I pulled Cherbourg into a tight embrace. He was the life that Sam had left behind for me. He was alive, newly arrived in this world.
For my birthday, Sam had given me a gift that was alive. Why did life and death have to go hand in hand like that?
My pager went off, frightening Cherbourg. I let go of him and called Yau Ying back.
“What’s going on? You haven’t been at work the past few days, and you haven’t been at home, either, and when I call your pager, you don’t call me back. I thought you’d gone missing. We’re worried about you,” Yau Ying said.
“Sam died,” I said.
“What do you mean, he died?”
“He’s already cremate
d. I didn’t even get to see him one last time.”
“Where are you right now?”
“Hok Tau Reservoir.”
“Where’s that? Don’t move. I’m coming to get you.”
I sat down on the edge of the pasture, holding Cherbourg in my lap and watching the sky darken. Eventually, I saw two familiar silhouettes coming towards me.
“This place was hard to find,” Chui Yuk said.
“How did Sam die?” Yau Ying asked.
I leaned my head on her shoulder.
I hated Sam. He’d said he’d never leave me, but he’d lied. Even now, I still couldn’t bring myself to shed a tear. He’d lied to me.
Two weeks later, I went back to work at the shop. Jenny and Anna didn’t know what had happened or why I’d been away, and they didn’t dare ask.
Chui Yuk and Yau Ying cried much more than I did, while I couldn’t squeeze out so much as a single teardrop. Yau Ying suggested that the three of us should all go away on vacation together, but I didn’t want to go anywhere. Although they were disappointed, I didn’t want to leave the place where his remains were.
When it was nearly closing time, a woman came into the store. She was a little on the heavy side and about thirty-seven or thirty-eight years old. She wore a black dress and a long black coat. Her makeup was elegant, but even her pale foundation couldn’t conceal the haggard face underneath.
“Feel free to have a look around, ma’am,” I told her.
She picked out a black lace bra.
“Would you like to try that on?” I asked her.
“Are you the manager of this store?” she asked.
“Yes. I’m Ms. Chow.”
“I’ll try this one on.”
“What size?” I asked her.
“This one should be fine.”
“The fitting rooms are over here,” I said, leading her to a room.
“You two can head out,” I said to Jenny and Anna.
“Ma’am, how is that bra working out for you?” I asked her from outside the fitting room.
“Can you come in here and help me?” she asked me.
I stepped into the dressing room. She was fully dressed. She hadn’t even tried on the bra.
“I’m Sam’s wife,” she told me.
I wanted to make a quick escape, but she shut the door and stood in front of it, blocking the exit.
“So you’re my husband’s mistress?” She stared at me.
I looked right back at her. If Sam were still alive, I might’ve been scared to confront her. But Sam had died, and I had nothing to be afraid of anymore.
This was the woman who wouldn’t give me a chance to see Sam one last time. She disgusted me.
“You’re the woman Sam was having an affair with all along. And you’re none other than a seller of bras.” She laughed contemptuously.
I had no intention of getting into a catfight with her.
“That idiot Sam thought he could have a little fun with another woman, nothing more. Then he suddenly decided to buy you an apartment worth more than $2 million.” She shook her head and sighed.
How did she know about the money?
“You think I didn’t notice that $2 million was missing from his bank account? I’ve known for a long time.”
“What do you want?” I asked her.
“Fortunately, I discovered the check that you wrote him in his wallet. I’ll have you know that I was the one who cashed it. That money used to be his. Now it’s mine.”
I’d suspected it was her, so this came as no surprise.
“Do you know why he was cremated?” she asked. “Because I didn’t want him to have a grave. Cremated remains are supposed to be stored at a temple. I don’t care who objects—I brought them home. It wasn’t because I couldn’t stand to be separated from him. Do you want to know why I did it?” She walked straight up to me, until she was practically touching me, then looked me in the eye and said, “I didn’t want to give you an opportunity to pray for him. He was my husband, and even in death, he’s still mine.”
She let out a mean laugh.
“You’re so cruel,” I said.
“Cruel?” She cackled. “Who’s been cruel to whom here? He still belongs to me.”
“Is that what you think?”
The next thing I knew, she’d stripped off her coat and dress. She stood before me, almost naked, wearing only her black bra and panties.
Her breasts were small, her arms and belly were flabby, and her thighs were thick. It certainly wasn’t the figure that I’d always imagined Sam’s wife would have.
“I can’t compete with you, is that right?” she asked.
I didn’t reply.
“Because of you, Sam wanted to divorce me. He and I were together for almost eighteen years. We were each other’s first love. He used to love me. Then he stopped loving me, and it’s all because of you!”
She yanked open my jacket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I cried, grabbing her hand.
“Take off your clothes. Take them all off, and I’ll give you back your $2.8 million.” She tugged at my jacket. “I want to see what Sam was so attracted to. Take it off!”
I removed my shirt and skirt, until I was only in my white bra and panties. I stood directly before her.
She looked at my chest and didn’t say a word. I already had her beaten.
“My husband was only attracted to your body. He needed to get it out of his system, that’s all. He was like all men.”
“If he’d just needed to get it out of his system, he wouldn’t have been with me for five years. He used to love you, but on his deathbed, he loved me. The day before he died, he asked me whether I loved him,” I told her.
She started to laugh. “It’s too bad he made a mistake. You took off your clothes in front of me for $2.8 million—you only wanted his money! Well, I’ll give you your check now. Think of it as your paycheck for sleeping with my husband for the last five years.”
“I have no intention of accepting that money. That’s my way of punishing you for not letting me pray for Sam.” I put my clothes back on. “If he could somehow come back to life, I’d just as well give him to you. When you love someone, you don’t try to control them. He was a good man to the core. Unfortunately, he’s never coming back.”
She let out a sharp cry and crumpled to the ground, sobbing. Her entire body was shaking, and my heart quickly softened. I took her coat and draped it over her.
She was a victim, too.
I left the fitting room. I had no idea how I managed to find the inner strength to cope with everything that had happened. If Sam and I had still been together, I never would have been able to hold it together. But he wasn’t here, and no one was ever going to protect me the way he had. I knew I had to be strong.
Sam’s wife exited the fitting room fully clothed and left the shop without so much as turning her head. I watched her disappear down the corridor of the shopping center.
I went back into the fitting room and kneeled down to pick up the bra that she’d left. My heart ached, and my limbs were so sore that I could barely move. I could no longer hold back the onslaught of tears. I hadn’t had a good cry since Sam had gone. I had always thought that people cried when they were hurting the most, but in fact it was when you were hurting the most that you couldn’t cry at all.
His departure had been too sudden. My pain turned into hate. I hated him for leaving me. I told myself that maybe if he hadn’t loved me so much, he wouldn’t have caused me so much pain. But today, his wife had told me that he’d brought up the subject of divorce. He’d been thinking about how the two of us could be together—maybe even spend the rest of our lives together—and I’d just never believed him. I had always thought he was just trying to buy himself time, that he lacked the courage to get a divorce. I’d misunderstood him. He had been willing to pay a huge price in order to be with me. If there were a way to bring him back, I’d rather have him just be alive and not love me t
hat much.
I bawled loudly for a long time. Could he hear me? Could he hear me repenting over my refusal to answer his question? I shouldn’t have treated his wife the way I just did. I should’ve asked her to let me see his remains. He’d once joked that his wife might turn him into minced meat sauce, but she’d just as easily turned him into cremated ashes. His love for me had already turned to dust, only to be found in that world between heaven and earth.
Every Sunday, I went to Hok Tau Reservoir to visit Cherbourg. He’d grown a lot, and he wasn’t nursing anymore. I thought he recognized me.
One Sunday, Yau Ying and Chui Yuk went with me to see him.
“Daihoi came back,” Yau Ying said to me.
“Did he really?” I was happy for her.
“He came back last night. He said there were some clothes that he hadn’t taken when he moved out. Then he hung around and didn’t leave.”
“How could he possibly hang around and not leave, unless you wanted him to?” Chui Yuk teased.
“What’d he have to say?”
“He didn’t have anything to say to me. But I had something to say to him.”
“What did you have to say?”
“I told him that I loved him,” Yau Ying said, blushing.
“You did? You really uttered those words?” I couldn’t believe it.
“I love him. Why should I hide it?”
“So, was Daihoi moved?” I asked.
“That’s why he didn’t leave,” Yau Ying said.
“It’s over with Tou Lei, then?” Chui Yuk asked.
“He said it’s over. I’m actually to blame, too. I’d never once tried to understand his inner world. I thought I knew him all this time, but I didn’t. He loved me more than I loved him. If it weren’t for what happened to Sam, I might not have had the guts to tell Daihoi that I love him. But if you love someone, you should let them know. If you don’t, there’ll come a day when you lose him forever.”
“Very true,” I said.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring that up,” Yau Ying said.
“It’s OK. I only have myself to blame. We were given five years together, but it was too short of a time. I’d gladly have spent a lifetime with him.”
“If I had such a good man, I would, too,” Chui Yuk said.