I showed up at his place, but it was empty. Thankfully, his neighbor had his forwarding address, so at least I know where he moved to. I thought about just sending a letter to explain everything to him, but then I had a brilliant idea. Of course, I’m not going to be able to take this diary with me. I’m not taking much. Just whatever I can fit in my backpack and all the money I’ve been saving. I decided I’m going to go to Denver.
I told Katie and she was angry. I told her the whole thing. That I was in love, pregnant and going to be with him. She told me I was crazy. That I should stay here. That maybe it was still soon enough that I could get an abortion. I told her there was no way I could do that. I know the baby isn’t very big yet and that some may argue it’s not even alive yet, but I don’t care.
For me, that baby is already a piece of me. I couldn’t get rid of the baby any more than I could get rid of an ear or a toe. Plus, I don’t want to. She’ll see. I’ll go to Denver, show up on C’s doorstep and he’ll be so happy to see me, he won’t question how I got there. He might be disappointed when he finds out I’m not eighteen yet, but I think he’ll come around. Anyway, it won’t be long before I’m eighteen.
Katie threatened to tell our parents, but I made her promise not to until I was gone. She had to at least give me a head start. I asked her to not tell them I’m pregnant, but I could tell by the look on her face she was probably going to, anyway. Oh well. When I’m out of here, they won’t be able to find me to stop me. Wish me luck, diary. I think I may need it.
That was it. Nothing else after that. Just empty page after empty page.
“That’s it?” Holly said aloud.
She flipped through all of the remaining pages, hoping to find something to fill in the rest of the story, but there was nothing. That’s when she realized where she was and who was downstairs. All she had to do was go ask her Aunt Katie if she actually told her parents. She wanted to know what they’d done and if her mother ever found the guy and told him.
Holly was nervous about asking Katie, but she knew she had enough knowledge now to press for the right answers. She felt as if the answer to all of her questions was downstairs.
CHAPTER 24
“I was just about to come get you for dinner,” Lissa said from the bottom of the stairs as she saw Holly coming down. “How did the diary reading go?”
“I swear I have more questions than answers, but I read the entire thing,” Holly said as she made her way down the stairs.
“What are you going to do now?” Lissa asked.
“The only thing I can think to do,” she said as she got to the bottom of the stairs. “Ask your mom.”
The two girls entered the dining room just as everyone was beginning to sit down.
“I heard you guys helped Chloe clear her name,” Katie said as she set the lasagna down in the center of the table. “Great job. I’m very proud of all of you.”
“Sounds like we need to celebrate,” Allen said as he began to dish out the food. “Maybe we’ll go sightseeing tomorrow and hit a restaurant while we’re out.”
“That sounds great,” Holly began. “But you might change your mind here in a little bit.”
Confused, Katie and Allen turned to her. “Why would we do that?” Katie asked.
“Well, I’ve been reading my mother’s old diary, and I have a lot of questions,” she admitted. “I know you don’t like answering my questions, and I don’t mean to upset you. It’s just…,” she searched for the right words to adequately explain how she felt. “I feel like there is this big hole in my life. I really am having a great time and enjoying myself here, but it’s all so confusing. I don’t understand what happened to my mom. I can’t relax and truly enjoy myself until I do.”
Allen’s face showed nothing but sympathy as he turned toward Katie. “I don’t think either one of us can blame you, Holly. Katie?”
Katie nodded. “It’s not that I don’t want to answer your questions, Holly. It’s just… hard. So much of it was painful for all of us, and I try not to think about it.” She sighed. “But tell me what you know, and I’ll do my best to fill in the rest.”
As they began eating the dinner of lasagna, garlic bread, and salad, Holly told the story as she understood it. Her mother was young and fell for an older guy. The first time she slept with him, she told him she loved him, and he stopped contacting him. After that, she found out she was pregnant and decided to follow him to Denver.
“She said his name was Charlie and then she started referring to him by the letter C in the diary,” Holly explained. “The last thing she wrote was that she had told you and you wanted her to stay, get an abortion or something.” Holly stabbed her fork into her lasagna, but couldn’t bring herself to take a bite. “It was me, wasn’t it?”
Katie sighed. “Yes, it was. But I only told her that because she was so young. So was I. It’s not that I don’t love you,” she said, flustered.
“No, no, I’m not upset over that,” Holly said shaking her head. Everyone was silent as they ate their dinner. No one looked upset, just curious and supportive. They all were intrigued by the story. “That’s not what I’m focused on. First of all, I want to know what happened when she left.”
Katie took a bite and slowly chewed it as she thought. “Well, I did wait a little while before I told our parents. I think I gave her most of the day, as far as I remember,” she began. “I told them everything. I told them how she’d kept it a secret at first. I was pretty surprised at how well she’d hidden the fact she was seeing an older guy.
“They were as surprised as I was in the beginning, but once the story came together it all started to make sense, such as the way she’d been acting. I didn’t even get a chance to tell them right away that she was pregnant. They were beside themselves when I told them she’d run off. Finally, when I told them about the pregnancy, they were stunned into silence.” She stopped talking for a moment, her eyes wide and distant.
“What did they do?” Lissa asked quietly.
“What everyone does when you think your child has run away. They called the police. My mother and I started going through Maggie’s room looking for clues as to exactly where she was going. We knew she said she was going to Denver, but it’s not exactly a small town, you know? So, we searched, hoping to find something that would give us a clue, but we found nothing.”
Katie paused before she blinked several times and pulled herself together. “Those first few days were probably the worst. Not knowing if she was okay or not. Wondering if she made it the whole way or if she was lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Our mother took it the worst. She felt responsible for some reason. She kept saying that a mother should have known these things. At the time, I didn’t understand.” She looked around the table at her children. “But now I do.”
“So you guys basically had to sit around and wait for her to turn up?” Holly asked. She found it ironic that she had done much of the same her entire life. Wondering if her mother would come home, or if she’d overdosed somewhere.
“Something like that, but it seems too simplistic to say it that way. We put up flyers, made phone calls. Our parents were making plans to go to Denver themselves before…,” Katie stopped and cleared her throat. She swallowed heavily and seemed to struggle with what she was about to say next, “...before my mother collapsed.”
“What happened?” Holly asked. She’d wondered from time to time what had happened to her grandmother all those years ago, but so much had happened, she hadn’t had a chance to put too much thought into it.
“The doctors told her she had a weak heart and all of the stress she was under wasn’t helping her. They kept telling her she needed to relax, but she just couldn’t. She kept telling them that she’d relax when Maggie was safely back home.” Katie shook her head, a tear slipping down her cheek. She brushed it away before continuing. “She ended up having a heart attack.”
Holly gasped. “You mean, my mother caused it?”
“She didn’t ev
en know it had happened,” Katie said, “until late one night when she called.”
It seemed like everyone was holding their breath as they listened. There was the occasional scrape of a fork on a plate or a crunch of bread, but beyond that, there were no sounds.
“It was just a day or so after Mom had died. Maybe longer. The whole thing kind of blurs together in my memory. All I remember is that it was before the funeral. Dad and I were both hurting, losing half of the family in a matter of weeks.
“When the phone rang late one night and Dad answered it, he looked as though he’d heard a ghost. I kept asking him who it was, but he just listened. Then, his face contorted. He said things I’m sure he didn’t really mean, but he was just hurting so much. He blamed Maggie for Mom’s death. He told her that everything was her fault, and he didn’t want to ever see her again. Then he dropped the phone and went to his room. That’s when I picked it up,” Katie said.
“Grandpa told Aunt Maggie not to come home?” Steven asked.
Katie nodded. “He was hurting. As he saw it, if Maggie hadn’t run away, his wife would still be here. I’m not sure if he’s ever forgiven himself for what he said that night. He doesn’t talk about it.”
“What did you say to her when you picked up the phone?” Holly asked.
“I asked her where she was. She said ‘Denver, like I said. What is Dad talking about?’ That’s when it really hit me that she didn’t know what had happened to our mother. Dad hadn’t said why, he’d just started blaming her. I told her that our mother had been so stressed over her leaving that her weakened heart had given out. That if she hadn’t been so selfish, our mother would still be alive.
“I heard her sobbing and when I stopped talking, she told me about what happened when she got to Denver. That she was broke. She’d found Charlie, and he’d slammed the door in her face. He told her to leave him alone, and that he didn’t believe the baby was his. She’d hitchhiked out of Denver with a truck driver who had stopped in Cottonwood Springs. She said she was going to try to get the money to come home.”
Katie shook her head again and a few more tears slipped down her cheeks. “I was so mad at her then, and honestly, I think I still kind of am. Anyway, I said ugly things to her. I told her we didn’t want her here anymore. The last words I ever said to her was that I hoped I never saw her again,” a soft sob escaped her lips. “And I didn’t.”
“She didn’t come back for the funeral?” Holly asked sadly. She couldn’t imagine not doing everything you could to attend your own mother’s funeral.
Katie shook her head. “No. In a way, I’d hoped on the day of the funeral that she would. I think Dad did, too. We both kept looking toward the doors in the church and then at the horizon when we were at the cemetery. But she never showed.”
“So that was it?” Holly asked surprised. “She never reached out again?”
“Once,” Katie admitted. “She wrote a letter. It was probably almost a year later. Dad threw the letter away without opening it. I think when she didn’t show up, it hardened his heart toward her. He’s a good man, but everything that happened changed him. We got to where we didn’t speak about her for a very long time. Not until we’d heard she’d passed, actually.” She took a long drink of water and allowed herself to regain her composure. “I took the letter from the trash and read it.”
“What did it say?” Lissa asked, mirroring Holly’s thoughts.
“That she was barely able to feed herself, let alone the baby. She wrote about you,” she said as she looked at Holly. “She explained how she saw the error of her ways and that she wanted to come home, but she needed money and rehab. She said she’d started doing drugs and wanted to stop, but couldn’t do it on her own. I told Dad, but he said she needed to fix her own mess, and he burned the letter. I didn’t get a chance to save the return address so I couldn’t even respond.”
“So, she thought you had turned your back on her,” Holly said sadly.
“Well, we pretty much did,” Katie admitted, “although I’m not very proud of it. Looking back, I would have done it so much differently. I wouldn’t have let her get a head start. I would have gone to her. I would have fought harder. It’s just in that moment…,” she stopped speaking as her words choked off.
“It’s okay,” Holly said softly. “You were hurting, too.” Holly felt tears pricking her eyes as she thought of the impossible situation her aunt had been in.
Katie nodded as Allen gently rubbed her back. “I was. And I was so hurt and angry that she’d put me in that position. I hoped maybe she’d grow up and see that she messed up. You know, come home and ask for forgiveness. But she never did.”
Everyone was silent for a long time, trying to take in what they’d heard. A girl who ran off to follow a man she loved, only to find out he didn’t feel the same way towards her and she was carrying his baby. She realized too late that she’d messed up and had hurt the ones she loved in the process. By then, everyone was too shattered and stubborn to apologize.
“Thank you for telling me,” Holly finally said.
Katie looked at her niece and smiled weakly at her. “I’m only sorry you had to force it from me. I just didn’t want to admit my part in the whole thing. I’ve felt responsible for all of it for so long that it actually feels good to finally get it out.”
“I’m proud of you, honey,” Allen said. “That took bravery to admit all of that.”
“He’s right,” Holly said, and Steven and Lissa nodded in agreement.
“Well, I’m here now, and it’s because of you, Katie. The family is back together again,” Holly said with a reassuring smile.
Katie looked at Holly as if the thought hadn’t occurred to her.
“She’s right,” Steven said. “That was your doing.”
Katie smiled, “Thank you. At least I finally did something right.”
CHAPTER 25
After dinner, Lissa and Steven excused themselves before Katie slipped quietly into the kitchen to put away the leftovers and clean up.
“I feel terrible,” Holly finally said to Allen.
He looked at her sympathetically. “I understand why you would, but you really don’t need to feel that way.”
“How can I not?” Holly asked. She felt the tension rolling around inside her. “I feel like an ungrateful jerk for making her tell me all of that.”
“But did you do it to hurt her?” he asked pointedly. He took the last few bites of his lasagna and leaned back in his chair.
“Definitely not,” Holly said shaking her head. “But I made her cry.”
“Yes, but this is something she’s needed to let out. It’s been eating at her all these years. I know it has. I’ve seen it. But she always felt as though her hands were tied. Like she needed to leave it alone and let it take its own course. After your mother died, she was shattered.” Allen wiped his mouth with his napkin and watched Holly.
“Lissa and Steven didn’t say anything about that,” Holly said absently.
“That’s because they didn’t know. Katie is much stronger than she looks. I’m starting to think most women don’t get credit for the strength nobody sees. Especially mothers. But once she heard about your mom and that she’d missed the funeral, she cried most nights when she thought nobody knew,” Allen said softly.
“Why? It wasn’t her fault if she didn’t hear about it in time,” Holly questioned.
“I know that, but she still felt as though she should have been there. I don’t know how many times I tried to get her to talk about this whole situation, and she just wouldn’t. Like you, I didn’t want to hurt her, so I let her be, hoping that somewhere along the line she’d open up and talk about it.
“It wasn’t until she found out about you and where you were that she stopped crying. It was like she had something else to focus her attention on rather than her grief.”
Allen stood up and collected his plate from the table. “You are family. You deserved to know what happened above anyone else.
I think you were probably the only person in the world she’d open up to, for just that very reason.”
He sighed. “It will all work out, Holly. You’ll see. In the meantime, I want you to find some things you want to do around here. We’re still going to celebrate. If anything, I think there’s even more of a reason to now.” He patted her on the shoulder before taking her plate from her and heading to the kitchen.
There was so much to think about. Learning everything she just had, Holly’s head felt as though it were spinning. She stood up from the table, slipped silently from the dining room, and headed upstairs. Once in her room, she looked around and let everything sink in.
Her guilt could very well be what had caused Katie to go through the trouble of redoing the room for Holly. Guilt over not being there for her when she was younger, although Holly didn’t blame her at all. It wasn’t as if she’d known what was going on.
And she’d had her own life to focus on. Getting ready to go to college in St. Louis, then marrying Allen, and making a life of her own like her sister had. The whole situation was just incredibly sad. So much pain just because everyone was too stubborn to reach out and be the first one to apologize. It was senseless suffering that didn’t have to be.
Flopping down on the bed, she began to wonder what life would have been like if her mother had made a different choice. What if she’d stayed and never left? Holly would have grown up here in Springfield, surrounded by family and friends. Her mother might even still be here. She might never have turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, which was what Holly was certain she’d done.
There were so many memories of her mother reaching for a bottle when things got tough. Raising a baby when you’re still pretty much a child yourself had to have been hard. Not that it was an excuse, but it made her mother less of a villain and more of a real person to her.
Holly Lewis Mystery series Box Set Page 12