“I bet,” Holly said. “Is there anything we can do to help?”
“Just say the word, Fiona. We’re right here,” Brigid added.
“I don’t think there’s anything you can do,” Fiona said softly. She looked away quickly. “I have to learn to deal with it.”
“Not alone you don’t,” Brigid pressed. “Even if you just need to vent, we’re right here.”
“Exactly,” Holly said. “We aren’t going to think any less of you if you’re having a tough time.”
“I’m definitely having a tough time,” Fiona laughed bitterly. A single tear slipped down her cheek before she brushed it away. “I didn’t realize how I would feel after everything.”
“What do you mean?” Brigid asked. “Can you explain it to us? It will help us to better understand what’s going on with you.”
Fiona nodded. “I was doing pretty well at first, but then, I don’t know if the lack of sleep caught up with me or what. But I would just be feeding him or rocking him and I would suddenly think I can’t do this. Or, you don’t deserve him.”
“But you can and you are,” Brigid said. “Don’t forget that.”
“Yes, and part of me knows that. It’s just, and it’s going to sound crazy, but it’s like there’s a new part of me inside my brain that was never there before. All it does is tell me how badly I’m doing, or that I don’t deserve to be happy. I worry that something’s going to happen to him or me. Then sometimes I wish something would happen to me.” She said the last part so quietly that they almost couldn’t hear her.
“What do you mean, ‘you wish something would happen’?” Holly asked.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” Fiona said as she shook her head.
“No, it’s okay. We’re just trying to fully understand your perspective,” Brigid insisted. “Please.”
“Honestly?” Fiona asked. “I sometimes wish I would just die. Then Brandon could find someone better than me to be with and take care of Aiden.” She was looking down at her baby boy, softly brushing his cheek.
“Nobody would ever take better care of him than you, Fiona,” Brigid said. “That’s a fact. You are so incredibly important to so many people. You can’t leave us. There’s still way too much for you to do and see.”
“I know,” Fiona sighed. “I don’t really want to kill myself or anything like that. It’s just a thought that likes to take over. One night I was rocking him while I was sitting in the chair I’m in right now, and I just started crying because I was so sure that I wouldn’t get to see him grow up.” Fiona began to sniffle.
“Even when I had those thoughts, I knew there was no way I could know that, but it felt so real. I’m serious, I think something has happened to me and now I’m crazy. I’ve been trying to hide it from Brandon, because I’m afraid he’ll take the baby away and put me in a hospital. But I think he knows something’s up, because we’ve been fighting more lately.” She sighed.
“It’s like everything suddenly has gotten so much harder than it used to be. Even something as simple as going to the bathroom or taking a shower has suddenly become a big ordeal. I can only do it at certain times, because I have someone else to worry about. I feel like a bad mother if I just put him in the play pen or in his high chair.”
“You aren’t crazy, Fiona,” Holly began. “I think you have postpartum depression.”
Fiona blinked as if she were processing what Holly had just said. She opened her mouth and then closed it. “Really?” she finally said.
Brigid nodded. “We’ve been talking about our concerns for you, so we did some research. Obviously, we don’t know everything you’re going through, but from what we could tell, that’s it. You aren’t crazy, Fiona. Plenty of women deal with this after they have a baby. There’s no reason to suffer alone.”
It was as though a weight had been lifted off of Fiona’s shoulders. Her eyes seemed to brighten a bit, and she didn’t look quite so slumped over. “That makes so much more sense,” she said.
“There’s a lot of things that can be done about it,” Brigid said. “I think the most important one being that we make sure you don’t feel overwhelmed anymore. This isn’t something you need to do alone. We’re here for you, and I’m sure Brandon is too. Things may be a bit bumpy right now, but I’m sure if you tell him what’s going on, he’ll understand.
“But first of all, I think we should get you out of this house. Let’s go for a walk or something. You have a stroller, right?”
“Yeah, I do,” she said. “But I need a shower.” She looked down at her stretched out tee and sweatpants. “And a change of clothes.”
“Well then, let us take care of Aiden, and you go get showered and dressed. Take as much time as you need. There’s plenty of time before the bookstore opens, and we’ve got the little man. Go take care of yourself,” Brigid insisted.
Fiona stood up and handed Aiden to Holly carefully, not waking him. “Okay,” she said with a smile. “I don’t know when the last time was that I got to enjoy a shower.”
“Now you can,” Holly said. “We’re not going anywhere.”
Fiona turned and hurried upstairs, as if she was afraid they might change their minds.
“That went better than I thought,” Holly finally said once she heard a door shut upstairs.
“I agree,” Brigid said. “Of course, this isn’t over. Not by a long shot. But maybe we can help her start to see things differently. She still needs to speak with her doctor, though.”
“Yeah, hopefully she can manage this without any prescription drugs or anything,” Holly said. “But I think we’ll have to help her find herself again.”
“Yes,” Brigid said, “but that’s not going to be too bad. Maybe I can watch the baby sometimes when she’s working. That way she can have a break. I’m sure she loves him to pieces, but I’d bet she still needs a break once in a while.”
“I’d think so,” Holly said. “And maybe we need to arrange a date night for her and Brandon, so they can talk. We can take Aiden and let them go somewhere nice.”
“That’s a great idea, Holly,” Brigid said smiling. “We’ll talk with her about that on our walk.”
Roughly thirty minutes later, Fiona came down the stairs with her wet hair pulled back in a bun and wearing fresh clothes.
“I think I’m ready,” she said. “The stroller is in the garage.” She moved to take Aiden, but Holly shook her head.
“I’ve got him. You just relax,” she said. She knew Fiona had been handling everything for quite a while. The woman deserved as much of a break as she could get.
Fiona paused and then nodded. “You’re right. I know you’ll take care of him, and it would be nice to not be responsible for him for just a little longer.” She smiled faintly, as if she realized just how overwhelmed she’d been lately, now that the pressure was off.
“Exactly, when the two of us are around you can let us worry about the little guy for a while. That way you can breathe a sigh of relief and give those arms a break. Now, let’s go for that walk,” Brigid said.
“Okay,” Fiona nodded. “I’m wrong. I just remembered that the stroller is in the front closet over there.”
“I’ll get it, and Holly can strap him in,” Brigid said reassuringly as Fiona started to look a little stressed. “Remember, this is your time off.”
“It might sound stupid, but even doing the smallest things can seem to be too much anymore. Like it’s just easier to sit and do nothing than worry about strollers and diaper bags and all of that stuff,” Fiona admitted.
“You’re not used to carting a bunch of stuff around for someone else,” Holly pointed out. “That’s okay.”
Fiona nodded. “It’s true. I’m forever worrying I’ll leave the house with him, and I will have forgotten something. Like extra diapers or a bottle.”
“Don’t worry,” Brigid said as she collected the bag and checked the contents. “It’s all here.”
“Okay,” Fiona said as she sighed. “
Then I guess I’m ready.”
Pushing the front door open, they stepped out into the sun and Fiona squinted against it.
“It’s pretty bright out,” Holly said as she noticed Fiona’s reaction.
“I didn’t even open the curtains in the house,” Fiona realized. “I used to do that every morning.”
“It’s normal for people going through what you are to do that,” Holly explained. “Getting out of your routine and being busy with the baby will do that.” They started down the road at a slow, leisurely pace. None of them were in a hurry and they weren’t looking for exercise. They just needed some fresh air and sunshine.
Brigid nodded. “Maybe, if it’s something that you think helps, you can set an alarm on your phone to remind you to do it? I know I love having the curtains open and letting all that natural light in. It can really lift my spirits.”
“It does,” Fiona admitted. “You’re right. I just need to remember to do those things that I always liked doing. I think that’s a lot of it. I just got so busy, and I kept putting Brandon and baby Aiden first. I stopped doing things for myself.”
“It’s easy to do,” Brigid admitted. “I didn’t have to deal with the fluctuating hormones and such, but I noticed myself doing it with Linc and Holly. Trying to take care of them so much that I didn’t leave a whole lot for myself. It was a big adjustment, that’s for sure.”
“I bet,” Fiona said as she looked at her sister. “I didn’t realize.”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Brigid said with a wave. “I managed okay. But I’m sure if I would have needed help, you would have been there for me at the drop of a hat.”
“You bet I would,” Fiona agreed. “Anytime, anywhere.”
“Same goes for us. If you need us, don’t be afraid to call. Even if you just need to take a nap and would like someone to watch Aiden. We can help,” Holly interjected.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you two,” Fiona admitted. “I would have probably lost my mind.”
“Well, thankfully we won’t ever have to find out,” Brigid said. “But yeah, you probably would have.”
All three of them laughed as they continued down the sidewalk.
CHAPTER 10
“I think that went well,” Holly said after she and Brigid got back in the car. They’d had a nice long walk around town with Fiona and Aiden. They’d slowly window shopped downtown and had even stopped to get an ice cream cone along the way.
At first, Fiona had seemed hesitant to believe that any of it would work. But as they got further and further into their walk, she’d seemed to brighten. Holly knew that one day wouldn’t change everything, but at least it was a start. Maybe this was something they were going to have to plan on a regular basis. A leisurely walk when the weather was nice. When winter came, they’d have to come up with another idea, but that was still months away.
“It did,” Brigid said smiling. “I’m glad we did that.” She seemed to have enjoyed the walk just as much as the other two had.
“So, I want to talk to you about my birthday,” Holly began. She was going to try one more time now that Brigid was in a good mood, and Holly had her undivided attention. “It’s right around the corner and I thought maybe we should talk about what we’re going to do. You know, like are we going to have a party and stuff like that.”
“I don’t know, Holly. Now isn’t a good time to talk about it. I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now, and I need to make a few calls. We’ll have to talk some other time,” she said quickly. Picking up her cell phone she began to dial someone.
Holly couldn’t believe it. Calls to make? That sounded like some sort of terrible excuse you gave someone when you were trying to get rid of them. She could feel her disappointment and heartbreak bubbling up. Tears threatened to fall, but she pushed them back.
“Then, can you at least drop me off at Wade’s?” Holly asked glumly. Now she was certain Brigid was putting off her birthday. Maybe she didn’t want to celebrate it at all? As it was, Holly didn’t want to go home and be surrounded by reminders that she was being pushed to the side. She’d rather spend time with someone she knew would be happy to see her.
“Sure,” Brigid said as she lifted the phone to her ear. “Hey, Sheriff, it’s Brigid,” she began.
Holly tuned out Brigid’s conversation, too irritated to think about anything but how hurt she was. Did Brigid just not want to have a party for her? Was that it? Holly thought she’d made it clear in all the years before that she didn’t need anything fancy. Just family and friends to share a cake with. She didn’t want to go back to celebrating her birthday alone in her room like when her mom was alive.
Brigid pulled up to Wade’s house and Holly quickly opened the car door. Brigid was still on the phone when she covered the mouthpiece and said, “Let me know if you need me to pick you up.” Holly nodded and hurried up the sidewalk as Brigid pulled away. By the time she reached the door, Wade was pulling it open.
“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you,” he said with a smile until he saw the look on her face. He stepped out on the porch and closed the door behind him. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m starting to think that everyone is forgetting my birthday,” she said quickly as tears began to form in her eyes. “I keep trying to bring it up, and they keep blowing me off. No matter how many times I’ve tried to talk about it, they always seem to come up with some sort of excuse not to talk to me about it.”
“Shh,” Wade said as he pulled her into his arms. “Calm down. It’s going to be just fine. Come on, let’s sit down,” he said as he led her to the porch swing. “Now who keeps blowing you off?” he asked gently. “Are you sure it’s not just some sort of a misunderstanding?”
“Brigid and Linc,” she began. “I keep trying to talk to them about my birthday, since it’s just after the Fourth. But whenever I do, they completely change the subject, and it’s like I never spoke at all.” Holly felt her sadness shifting to more frustration than anything else.
“Just now, Brigid claimed she had important phone calls to make rather than talk to me about it. That’s why I had her drop me off here unannounced. I couldn’t stand the thought of going home and having her ignore it some more.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Wade said as he shook his head. “They wouldn’t do that to you. They love you.”
“Yeah, well maybe they’re starting to wish they had a baby like Fiona or something,” she sniffled. “Maybe they think they made a mistake.”
“Nope, no way, Holly. I don’t believe that for a second,” he said. He continued to hold her hand, as he started to make the swing gently rock back and forth. He always found the rhythmic sway of a porch swing to be soothing. He hoped it would have the same effect on Holly. “I’m telling you, there has to be something else going on.”
“I don’t know what it could be,” she said softly. “There isn’t a whole lot going on right now, that I can tell. No big investigations or anything.”
“Maybe it’s something with work or the whole thing with Fiona. You said you guys were worried about her, right?” Wade asked.
“Yeah,” Holly said. “We just went over to her house and talked to her.”
“And how did that go? Did she listen to you?” Wade asked. He wasn’t trying to ignore her problem. Instead, he was attempting to take her mind off of it for a moment, so she could calm down a little.
“She did,” Holly said. “And we all went for a walk. It was nice. She seemed to get a little bit of herself back. I’m sure it’s going to take time for her to fully be happy again, but just knowing that she wasn’t the only new mother to have postpartum depression seemed to help a lot. She admitted that she’d felt like she was going crazy.”
“My mom said my aunt had it really bad and that when she had me, she struggled a bit too. I guess it’s much more common than people realize,” he said. “I bet it helped her just knowing you guys had noticed and were reaching out to help her, too. Mom said that people knowing a
nd understanding what’s going on helped her immensely.”
“I hope so,” Holly said. “It’s hard seeing such a strong woman like Fiona be so down on herself. She’s always been so cool and confident. I don’t want her to end up being sad all the time.”
“I’m sure she’ll pull through this,” Wade reassured her. “Like I think you should try to relax a little with this birthday thing. Maybe it’s not as bad as you feel it is? Give them a chance. If they don’t throw you a birthday party, I will.”
Holly looked up at him suddenly. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I do if it means that much to you. If it matters to you, it matters to me. That’s the way this works. So, if your birthday comes and they don’t do anything for you, rest assured you’ll have a party, no matter what. I’ll invite everyone we know and then even a few we don't, just to keep things interesting.”
He smiled and Holly could feel her heart leap in her chest. She truly loved this boy sitting beside her. She didn’t know where they would be once they both graduated, but for now, he was hers.
“Thank you, Wade,” she said as she wrapped her fingers around his. “You always know how to make me feel better. Even when I think there’s no possible way for me to see a ray of hope in a situation, you come along and show me where it is.”
He shrugged. “That’s what I’m here for,” he said with his handsome smile. “Hey, I have an idea. Wait here,” he said as he stood. “I’ll be right back.”
Holly nodded and watched as he disappeared inside. She wiped the last of her tears away and was glad he didn’t make her follow him inside. She didn’t want his parents to see she’d been crying. They were such kind people, and she didn’t want to try to avoid their questions. Even if Brigid was hurting her feelings, Holly wasn’t about to talk badly about her.
It didn’t take long for Wade to return. When he stepped out the front door, she saw he was holding something behind his back. “Close your eyes,” he said.
Holly did as he said. With her eyes closed, she heard him draw closer before feeling the swing move as he sat down.
Holly Lewis Mystery series Box Set Page 31