by Damian Maher
Because he had never been good at being alone, William decided to go back toward the creek, hoping that he would meet Jacob on the way. But as he was standing on the end of the path again, he suddenly decided he couldn’t wait anymore. He went to the bushes, ripped off a big branch, and returned to the grass. Scared to his very bones, he stamped his foot on the ground and pounded the grass at the same time, vividly imagining how a snake would look. But he took another step, and another, and then another, and soon found himself on rocky ground that was bare of grass. He could walk faster now. Suddenly he saw beyond the slope where a small valley enclosed by eucalyptus woodland opened up. He still could not see Jacob, but luckily there was only one way to go forward. William continued in this direction and tried to cross the small valley to see what was hiding behind it. At the end of the valley, he wasn’t so afraid anymore because he was mainly walking on broad rocks. Immediately after he entered a curved gorge enclosed by steep, rocky slopes, he saw Jacob far below. Jacob couldn’t have gone any farther; it was a dead end. Why is he running through the grass? William wondered. He isn’t even wearing ankle boots . Jacob suddenly stopped running, but he started turning over the stones. Maybe he’s following a snake, and it escaped him?
William decided not to call Jacob but to approach him because that way he would be able to talk to him and reach him better. He didn’t try to hide himself. Jacob seemed too absorbed in what he was doing to notice him anyway; after turning over the stones, he started to run through the grassy spots again. He ran and ran, only this time he unexpectedly found himself in front of William as he stepped from behind a bush.
“I saw you running through the grass. And I saw you turning over the stones. Why are you doing that?” William asked decisively.
“You have to be quick to catch a snake,” Jacob shrieked. He desperately folded his arms, his head hanging passively, an expression of pure pain on his face.
It broke William’s heart to see Jacob hurting so much.
“You run through the grass only to be bitten!” William shouted.
“Bitten . . . bitten . . . bitten . . .” his words echoed in the wilderness.
“Go to the car. I want to be alone. Leave me here and drive off,” Jacob said.
“What?” William screamed.
“You heard what I said.”
“You inconsiderate idiot! Have you ever thought of me in this situation? How I would feel if you got bitten by a snake? Was I supposed to wait here and then search for you in the night and find your dead body? You are an idiot! If you want to kill yourself, go ahead and do it. But don’t drag me into it!” William yelled. “You’ll come with me now. I’m not going to leave you here.”
“No,” Jacob said, but William noticed from the expression on his face that his stubbornness was easing up.
“I’m staying here with you. I can’t leave you here,” William said.
“No!” Jacob persisted.
“Come now with me, and I’ll leave you alone after we reach the next city,” William said to lure him out of the wilderness.
“No,” Jacob insisted, for he couldn’t give up that quickly.
“ Yes!” William exclaimed, spreading Jacob’s tightly clasped hands. He then lifted up Jacob’s head. “Open your eyes. Look at me, Jacob!”
Jacob opened his eyes and looked at William for a brief moment, but then he quickly looked down.
“I know that you’re hurting. I know it’s so bad that you don’t think you can handle it. But I’m here with you now. It’s all right to lose hope and to feel inexpressibly low. That’s a part of life. But there is another part. You just can’t see it now.”
“You don’t know,” Jacob said.
“Tell me, then,” William whispered, his voice tender and embracing.
“I can’t. I just can’t talk about it.”
“I understand,” William said, taking both of Jacob’s hands into his. “I understand.” He then hugged Jacob strongly and briefly so that Jacob could feel the comforting presence of another human being without feeling pitiful and mortified.
Then they stopped talking, comforted by the absurdly beautiful red wilderness.
“Shall we go back toward the car?” William patted Jacob on the back and started walking. He didn’t dare look back, but when he heard Jacob walking behind him, he felt an unexpected explosion of joy and relief in his soul.
He smiled.
But what am I going to do now? How does one communicate with a person in such a deep crisis? His face grew serious again.
“ Look! Do you see that large lizard taking a sunbath on that rock? Beautiful, isn’t it?” William asked.
Jacob hesitated and then said, “Yes.”
They stopped and observed different colors reflecting off the breathtaking animal until the lizard decided to disappear, dramatically swinging his big tail.
“We are a part of nature. Like all creatures, we have to take what comes and make the best of it. There is no way around it, not for me and not for you,” William said.
Jacob did not say anything; he just started to walk faster. As they arrived at the car, William decided that he would act as normal as possible.
“Can you help me with the chairs and the table? I’m so hungry. Would you like to have some cheese and tomatoes on toast?” he asked, trying not to give Jacob too much room for his thoughts.
Jacob silently set the table, arranging the chairs and the cable for the small toaster from the cabin. William brought out the food, and they started to eat. They did not talk, but at that moment there was less tension than awkwardness in the air.
“Don’t worry. I understand you. I’m also in a very bad period of my life. Let’s put things aside for a while and just enjoy the splendid nature around us.”
“I’ll try,” Jacob said. “But give me enough space.”
“ I know it’s my turn to drive. But please, could you drive to Wangi falls? I still need some time to get used to this car and all,” William asked.
“I’ll drive,” Jacob answered.
*
They were mostly silent on the way to Wangi falls. William secretly observed Jacob’s face and tried to guess what was going on in his head. Only from time to time did he notice nature passing by like an unreal apparition.
“Could you put on that damn song? The artistic one with Maria Callas?” Jacob suddenly asked.
“You’d like to hear ‘Casta Diva’ again?” William was astonished.
“I need that song right now,” Jacob said.
William was eager to do anything that would help Jacob overcome his pain. They listened to the aria in silence.
“What happened? What hurt you so much?” William asked, as the aria finished.
“I don’t want to talk about me. Put this song on one more time!” Jacob said.
“As a conversationalist, you are hard work,” William said, his voice angry.
“You are a chatty fairy,” Jacob snapped. “Now put the song on and be quiet, please.”
“At least try to be polite,” William answered.
They listened to the Bellini aria again.
“ How do you earn money to live?” William asked, trying to start another conversation.
“We have a family company. My father founded it thirty years ago, and it still runs great. We all live very well from that income. I am now the head of the company. I work closely with my brother and my sister, but they’re not interested in working. They know how to enjoy life.” Jacob suddenly appeared friendlier.
“What kind of business is it?”
“We are travel organizers. We have a huge net of hotel rooms all over the world, and we charter flights to sixty-five destinations, and we do business with rental-car companies. I am quite proud of our company,” Jacob said.
“And who is in charge now, while you are gone?” William asked.
“Our secretary, Agnetha Andersen, has everything under control. She has worked in the company almost from the very beginning, and
she knows more about the business than I do. In reality, she is the main pillar, always reliable. She also does business negotiations for us. Once she squeezed a business partner so hard that I felt sorry for him. I would have agreed on a much higher price. We pay her three times as much as we would pay an executive manager. We still call her our secretary, just because it has always been so.”
“One of those strong women!”
“I guess work is all she has. She was never married. I caught her once secretly staring at her assistant, Livia, observing her breasts, her eyes wildly imagining. She saw me. She knew I understood. Her face got red, and I quickly walked away. I didn’t want her to be embarrassed.”
“So she is a lesbian?”
“They call her a fat lesbian behind her back, or a butch woman. But I love her. Her character is as clear as spring water. She would help everyone. And she is incredibly intelligent,” Jacob said. “I miss her and our daily routine.”
“So being a herpetologist is only your hobby?” William asked.
“Yes,” Jacob answered, uneasiness in his voice.
“So that’s why you don’t know much about snakes? You didn’t know which the most poisonous snake in Australia is!” William said.
“Yeah, that’s why . . .” Jacob answered, obviously happy to get off the hook.
William was looking at Jacob from time to time and recognized a child who wanted to live, although this child might be too afraid to do so right now. His eyes become heavy, and he decided to close them just for a moment. He was physically tired. Jacob’s attempted suicide had exhausted him; he felt abandoned, alone, and hurt himself. But Marlon wasn’t important anymore; he was still present only in the subsiding hurt of betrayal.
“Wangi falls!” he suddenly heard Jacob saying loudly.
“ What? Did I fall asleep? How can this be?” “You slept like a baby for an hour. Was that your afternoon beauty sleep?” Jacob teased him. “Shit, my neck hurts! I must look like a freak.” “You do. You drooled!” Jacob said, laughing as he turned into the Wangi Falls camping site. “Look, there’s even a kiosk and hot showers!”
There was a huge warning board near the entrance, and they stopped the car to read it. “Many freshwater crocodiles inhabit this area. They can become aggressive and cause injuries if disturbed. Do not approach or interfere with these animals. Saltwater crocodiles are known to move into this area undetected. Attacks can cause injury or death. Do not enter the water when closure signs are in place,” Jacob read aloud.
“What is the exact difference between freshwater and saltwater crocodiles?” William asked uneasily.
“Freshwater crocodiles are smaller, and they won’t hurt you. Saltwater crocodiles are bigger— enormously huge, to be exact—and they can easily have you for a snack,” Jacob explained.
“It says that saltwater crocodiles are trapped and removed before the Litchfield National Park management opens the falls for swimmers and that traps are permanently in place. Now the falls pool is open for swimming, but how can you be certain that . . .” William asked.
“I guess you can’t be certain. But obviously people are willing to take this risk,” Jacob said, pointing at people plunging into the beautiful natural pool. “It’s supposed to be safe.”
They found a nice solitary spot below the tall trees, with a fireplace and even some leftover wood, enough for a fire to last through dinner and even a glass of wine before sleep. Sweaty and sticky, they jumped into the inviting dark-green water. William marveled at the sheer beauty of the natural pool, which was surrounded by lush, monsoonal rainforest. The water of the two falls cascaded over the rock escarpments into the large pool below. He observed Jacob swimming the crawl, diving and then backstroking again, the last sun rays reflecting off his tight, wet body.
The encroaching night announced itself, cool and fresh. Hungry, they then put out the table and the chairs near the fireplace. Wrapped up in his own thoughts, Jacob was making a pyramid of some kind out of bigger branches, and he then lit a fire. William made a vegetable stew and defrosted two pieces of strudel for dessert. The night in Litchfield National Park seemed ominous: it was entirely dark, sounds from the wild animals pierced the silence from time to time, and it was possible that the most poisonous snake or even an overlooked saltwater crocodile lurked nearby. The fire burned fiercely, and from time to time, as it subsided, Jacob added more wood. Other cars were not directly in sight, and it felt as if they were alone in the world.
“This is what I always wanted—to travel and experience the world! But my father never allowed me to do so. I had to work in our company from early on and study economy. I was never good enough for him,” Jacob said. “We never had an open and supportive relationship. He’s almost a devil. He demolished my achievements, mocked me. He always has, and he still has this power over me.”
“He still bosses you around in the company?” William asked.
“No, he has dementia, which is progressively getting worse, and he lives with twenty-four-hour-aday care in a luxurious nursing home. But somehow, when I visit him, he can still send me into a suicidal spiral with only a glance. I don’t think I’ll ever overcome his power. I still falter in situations where I have to prove myself. Every time I see him, I prepare myself consciously to be as positive as I can. I try to understand him. But still, he succeeds every time in bringing out the worst in me. I see it coming, but I can’t help myself. He’s just got that power over me.”
“And your mother?”
“She died ten years ago. She nurtured us children in every possible way. She had cancer, and there was nothing we could do,” Jacob said, his face suddenly stiffening. “There is nothing we can do when we lose the people who are dearest to us. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
William noticed the dark sadness that overtook him, and in the shadow of the fire, Jacob looked like an old man.
“Thank you for being so sympathetic with me regarding my father,” Jacob whispered, but William knew that he was actually thanking him for what had happened earlier that day.
“I know that your father is not your main problem,” William said.
Jacob said nothing. He just smiled without separating his lips, tightness deforming his face. “What about your ex-boyfriend?” he asked after a while, slowly sipping his third glass of wine. “Marlon? Deep inside I knew all along that he was an egocentric idiot. But we were together, used to the situation, and I didn’t even notice that he had moved on long before he told me. I was in love with him. I didn’t notice that it was not the same for him. He wanted a shelter, financial security. He sometimes had a job, but he could never hold on to one. He never could accept certain rules,” William said. “Sometimes we’re blind,” Jacob said. “I don’t see the bad in people, even the most obvious warnings. At the start of our relationship, during a romantic evening, as we were making love, Marlon screamed, ‘Oh, Peter! Oh, Peter!’ I was surprised, and I finally said, ‘I am not Peter. I am William!’ ‘Oh, you’re William? Good! Good!’ he said, finessing his mistake. I simply thought that making a mistake is human; he had another lover before me, and the fact that he called out his name as we were having sex was something I had to understand.”
“You are a good man, William. And how do you feel about that gold digger now?” Jacob asked, anticipating the answer.
“ I feel betrayed. Stupid. But I don’t break; I only bend in harsh situations.”
“That’s good. There’s not much about him that you could regret losing,” Jacob said with a certain satisfaction in his voice.
“And you? Do you bend, or do you break?” William asked.
“Sometimes one doesn’t want to bend. Sometimes the best thing is to break and to end the suffering,” Jacob said, his tongue snarled by the wine.
“I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. But you know, that’s the train coming.”
“What has hurt you so much? Why won’t you tell me?” William asked without much hope. He had noticed Jacob’s eyes getting
heavier and heavier, and now he was about to fall asleep.
“Okay, Jacob, that’s it for today. Wait here. I’ll make our beds,” William said, taking the glass from Jacob’s hand.
As William looked to the sky, he saw ominous thunderheads gathering above Wangi Falls. The sounds of the wilderness seemed tense, as if the animals anticipated a storm. He called to Jacob to come to bed.
As he later tried to see Jacob from his bed above, he was satisfied with the day. He knew that Jacob’s defenses had started to break down .
*
I don’t understand a thing. What’s going on with me? was the first thought on Jacob’s mind as he woke up the next morning. Then the usual morning sadness started to break him, and there was no way to reconcile the beauty of the fresh morning and the darkness in his soul.
He is sleeping like a baby, he thought, observing William, and decided to go for a morning swim. The storm must have struck somewhere else; the night had only brought some rain. He noticed the shivery sunbeams piercing the shadows of the wet trees of the rainforest, and the embrace of the pleasantly cool water was melting his pain.
“Jacob!” he suddenly heard William calling him. “Where are you? I was scared to death when you weren’t in the cabin when I woke up!”
“It’s okay, I’m here,” Jacob shouted. “Join me. It’s so refreshing.”
“No, it’s too early and too cold for me,” William said after touching the water with his toe.
“The water is too cold for a little fairy?” Jacob said, grinning.
“Don’t you dare!” William screamed. He left the towel he had put around his waist on the grass and threw himself naked into the water. “I’ll show you who the fairy is!” he screamed as he swam to Jacob. He took Jacob by the head and pushed him under the water.
“And I’ll show you who the man is,” Jacob said, gasping for air. He dived and drew William into the water by pulling his legs from below. As their bodies accidentally touched, a rush of odd, electrifying feelings surprised Jacob. William feels so warm, he thought, and fragments of a halfremembered experience flashed through his mind.