by Jamye Waxman
Once you learn to say no, you’ll see no is one of the most liberating words you know. No?
What Makes a Relationship Toxic?
There are many types of bad relationships that don’t have clear labels, but the actual definition of a toxic relationship is a relationship between two or more people that is unsafe and dysfunctional. This is different from a dysfunctional relationship, or any other relationship that isn’t working, in that it is physically or emotionally unsafe to stay in it. A toxic relationship takes negative emotions to the extreme, but both toxic and dysfunctional relationships are characterized by negative behaviors that are constant or normalized in the relationship. These behaviors include (but are not limited to) acting jealous, insulting, demeaning, and yelling. They involve control, domination, narcissism, and insecurity that can be emotionally, and possibly physically, damaging. In these relationships, there is generally inequality in the expectations of the roles played by each person—for example, one person gives while the other takes.
Toxic relationships affect us on a myriad of levels. They can affect our psyche, making us continuously question what we’re doing and who we are. They can make us question ourselves because our intuition is telling us one thing, and our brain is telling us another (Hint: always go with your gut). Our self-confidence can be affected when we’re told we are crazy, wrong, or can’t survive on our own. And because we’re stressed out about the relationship, we can see tangible manifestations of the toxicity too. We may get physically ill with fever or depression. We may not want to get out of bed some days because the relationship affects our thinking, work, and personal life. And we can start to hate ourselves because we aren’t being true to ourselves, especially if we think that we’re compromising our values and beliefs.
WARNING AHEAD: TOXIC RELATIONSHIP
If you’re wondering what a toxic relationship looks like, here are some examples.
•A business partner who devalues your input, claiming your ideas are “worthless.”
•A friend who is extremely jealous of you and hurts your reputation by gossiping about you.
•A relationship that makes you feel bad most, or all, of the time.
•A family member who uses lying and manipulation to isolate you from your friends or other family.
•A friend or family member who harshly criticizes you. They may say things like, “You’re so unmotivated, you’ll never accomplish anything in life.”
•A relationship with a family member where you are not allowed to be, or act, in a way that feels true to yourself.
•A friend who always has to be right and discounts everything you say as wrong.
•A relationship where all your energy goes toward said relationship, and you feel drained.
Real-Life Break Ups
“Staying in a toxic relationship required me to give up or put on the back burner many important parts of myself. It also meant I neglected other important relationships with friends, due to the jealousy and needs of that person. Not only were they controlling and overwhelmingly critical of me, the worst part of it was that I honestly began to doubt myself and think that it was largely my fault.” —Erin
Unhealthy Relationship Types
A relationship doesn’t have to be toxic for it to no longer be a good relationship. Any relationship that doesn’t allow us to enjoy ourselves is likely in need of a makeover. Toxic or not, these unfulfilling relationships can be about many things, like a business that doesn’t allow us to evolve with the times (or ourselves). It can involve a parent who punishes us for making adult decisions they don’t agree with. It can happen when we disagree with the doctrine of our religious community. If you want to make a change and the relationship is holding you back, it’s only going to get more frustrating if you stay.
Even if your unfulfilling relationship doesn’t fit into one of those examples, if anybody makes you question your sanity, feel like you’d rather shut down than join in a conversation, or feel bad about yourself in any way, or if the person embarrasses you in front of others, hides things, or doesn’t let you do you, “Danger, Will Robinson, danger.”
It takes at least two people to be involved in a relationship, so even if you don’t see yourself as the toxic part of the relationship, you still need to take ownership of your role. There’s some dynamic between the two of you that causes a relationship meltdown. Bad relationships range in intensity and can show themselves in varying degrees. In fact, as you read this, you probably will see elements of toxicity even in your non-toxic relationships. When these negative interactions happen on occasion, it’s not something to worry about. But when this is an ongoing, continuous way of connecting, it’s time to cut the cord.
If you can identify your uncle, your close friend, your trainer at the gym, or anyone else in the relationships below—it’s time to think about change.
THE NO-“WE”-IN-“ME” RELATIONSHIP
A relationship that is all about me (as in one person), not we (as in us), is the kind of relationship that generally involves a whole lot of narcissism and a not a lot of collaboration. The user (the person soaking up all of the relationship energy) has somehow made this entire relationship all about their needs, problems, and solutions.
It’s easy to enable this type of one-sided relationship. Think about if you’ve ever been coerced or manipulated into doing things that don’t make you happy. It could be going out to a bar the night before a big test, or hanging out with your best friend’s boyfriend every time you want to see your best friend. It can happen when you were hired for a specific job but your boss has assigned you to do other tasks instead (and they weren’t a part of the actual job description). It can even be that you don’t want to look in the mirror and see yourself as a woman any longer, but your family refuses to acknowledge you when you identify as a man.
These relationships can be very demanding. Your parent might encourage you to always be available, like a Denny’s. They may also come with the expectation that you will drop everything for the “user” at once and with haste. You may not feel like you have the power to change things, but you do have the right to be in charge of your own life.
Antidote: To let go of this type of relationship, you may need to make the break up about their needs and how you can’t possibly ever meet them.
I once had a friend who, if she called you her “good friend,” expected you would drop everything to be there for her—no matter what. If I wasn’t available when she needed me, then I felt like I was doing something wrong. Suffice to say, this relationship was mentally exhausting as well as anxiety producing.
I eventually ended the relationship. I told her I couldn’t be what she needed me to be, and I didn’t want to let her down any longer (again, making it about her). While this pissed her off—after all she had trusted me to be that friend—eventually we were able to become acquaintances again. Still, I had to let her go so she would stop relying on me to fill some other void in her life. I’m not sure she ever found what she was looking for, but I hope she learned that whatever it was wasn’t about everyone else. I got back to reclaiming me, so that I could share myself with other we’s.
THE ARGUMENTATIVE RELATIONSHIP
This relationship is all about the fight. But unlike Fight Club, what goes on between the people in this type of relationship never seems to stay between them. In the case of non-romantic relationships, there’s no makeup sex to help you both feel better. Fights can be as small as disagreeing about what the best movie of all time is (of course it’s The Princess Bride) or as big as arguing over the end-of-life care for your dad. In this relationship, there’s only one thing you can completely agree on: you always disagree.
If somebody sends you into a tizzy every time you say how you’re feeling, then it may be time to stop the insanity. You find these types of relationships between groups of friends where not everyone in the clique is clicking (think of the movie Mean Girls). In familial situations, it’s likely more of a problem
if it’s happening all of the time, and not just when there’s a major life event (like a funeral or wedding), when emotions tend to magnify. You may also see this with a bad choice in business partner. Or you may fight over cats and dogs (literally) every time you see your next-door neighbor.
Antidote: To let go of this type of relationship, you may need to make it absolutely clear that you are not going to continue to communicate through anger.
Whether it’s because they live next door, they’re in your bloodline, or you work with them, you can’t always easily part ways with someone you disagree with all the time. Still, if there’s a person in your life who makes you itch with irritation, then it’s time clear that relationship up.
Try writing them an email asking to come up with a joint solution—one in which you both work together to change the way you interact. Or, perhaps you come up with a mutual list of “rules” that you both can abide by in order to get along. You may also agree that each time you get angry, you step away from one another. Then, after taking twenty-four hours to think things through, you reconvene and address the situation from a place of less anger and hurt.
THE BAH-HUMBUG RELATIONSHIP
Fueled by negativity, this relationship is a real downer. It may involve a person who has nothing positive to say, about you and everything else. In a working relationship, it may happen when your boss puts you in a position of power and then shoots down your decisions. In families you can see this too. For instance, you plan a family reunion and then your sister tells you how much better she could have planned it. In any relationship, it means that no matter what choice you make, it’s never the right choice.
Being around someone who thinks you could always do or be better is maddening. They may embarrass you in front of other people or put you down whenever the two of you are alone. They may be critical of your every action and question your every intention. They may ask you to justify things that don’t need justification. In their presence, you feel judged, stifled, and criticized. You don’t need their review to be a better person, but they give it to you anyway. If they make you feel like you’re doing everything wrong, then you need to learn to make right by you.
Antidote: To let go of this type of relationship, try killing it with kindness. Even when they tell you that you couldn’t possibly manage without them—stay positive and move along.
You can find negative Nancies anywhere in your life. This may be a negative member of your community or even the barista that you visit every morning before work. It can be a best friend who doesn’t want you to do anything for yourself or a parent who believes they know what you need better than you. If someone is bringing you down all the time, even in a joking manner, things need to change.
In these situations, find a mantra before you head into the break up. Talk with people who believe in you and can help you feel confident about making a change. To help counteract all the negativity, you can also write down a list of the positive things in your life.
THE GUILT-TRIP RELATIONSHIP
This relationship is typical between primary caregivers and their offspring. Guilt trip relationships aren’t about miscommunication; instead they’re about subtextual communication. That means the other person makes requests of you with the implication that by not fulfilling their requests, you are negatively impacting their life. They draw on close bonds to create a sense of obligation.
Antidote: To let go of this type of relationship, you may need to be willing to let go of anyone who enables the relationship. Since this relationship is about using guilt, or a sense of obligation, to control your actions, complete disconnection is the way to reconnect with yourself.
Therapy can be really helpful when going through this type of break up. Not only can therapy help you talk through your situation, it can provide you with the tools to move forward without feeling guilty for your desire to disconnect from your “obligation.”
THE TURN-IT-AROUND-ON-YOU RELATIONSHIP
This is a relationship with someone who can’t actually hear you because they are so caught up in being heard. When you explain to them how they hurt you, they mince your words and make their own thought salad out of the remains. Then, they throw them back at you to make it seem like you’re the one hurting them. They may overreact when you bring up your feelings or deflect what you’re saying by avoiding the situation altogether. Often in these relationships, you find yourself apologizing or comforting your partner for how you were feeling. You wind up taking care of everyone but yourself.
Antidote: To let go of this type of relationship, you will need to make sure you are heard. Have the other person repeat back to you what you just said (and vice versa) so that you can make sure words are not being lost in translation.
You can see this type of relationship with parents, siblings, and other people you have long-standing miscommunication practices with. A business partner who won’t own her part of the failed business is another example of where this relationship plays out. In communities, when you’re trying to do something that goes against the grain, like state a different point of view from the community “mission” or express unhappiness with one of its members, your community may feel that it’s you, and not their ideas or members, that needs to change.
THE KEEPS-YOU-GUESSING RELATIONSHIP
In this relationship, words and actions don’t stick. You can’t rely on the person because they’ve made themselves unreliable. And in being unpredictable, you feel insecure about where you stand in the relationship. You may question what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This is another of those relationships that makes you doubt yourself, even if you have no doubt that what’s going on is not right.
Antidote: To let go of this type of relationship, you will need to be open to hearing the other side of the story. Even if you don’t believe them, you need to let them feel heard. Perhaps something really did come up, or maybe you did do something to hurt them. If their reasons are legitimate, then you’ll both need to find a way to communicate better. If their reasons feel like they are more about control and manipulation, then you will likely need a clean and total break. Be prepared to own your part, or at least to stop fighting them regarding their story, and try to break up with dignity and respect for one another.
Say you made plans with your best friend to meet for lunch and she cancels at the last minute for no apparent reason. And this isn’t the first time she’s bailed on you in the eleventh hour. Or your mom tells you she’s going to watch your kids every Saturday, but each time Saturday rolls around, she’s nowhere to be found. Depending on your level of entanglement, you may be able to walk away. But if you have known them for many years or relied on them in the past, you need to say something to stop the cycle or end the relationship.
While this isn’t necessarily a sign of dysfunction, it’s definitely annoying. Unpredictable behavior typically doesn’t start at the beginning of a relationship; in most instances, it happens after trust is built. Still, it can leave you obsessing over what happened to this person’s “reliability factor.” Unpredictable behavior doesn’t only suck, but also sucks the life out of a relationship.
Figuring Out Your Unhappiness Level
Maybe your relationship doesn’t fit one of these descriptions, or maybe it fits more than one. The point is, if the relationship you’re in makes you feel like you’re drinking poison Kool-Aid, there’s a good chance you are in a toxic relationship. And all the pretending in the world can’t make that change. So stop pretending and make a change.
The best way to change a relationship is to make changes in yourself first. Break up with the way you are, and make up the ways you want to be. When you start to recreate your own patterns, others will join in, or not. If they don’t, then you can see where the problems continue to fester, and you can choose how to define the break up more clearly.
The bottom line is, if you can never say no to the other person because she or he pouts, whines, gets pissed, sends you a bar
rage of text messages until you change your mind, disappears on you, or bad-mouths you to other people, it’s time to rethink your role in the relationship. And if you aren’t on board with how the relationship is going, it’s time to jump overboard.
If you don’t think your relationship is fair, it probably isn’t.
Why Ending a Bad Relationship Is a Good Idea
Bad relationships don’t help you thrive (even if they have, in the past, helped you survive). But just because a relationship is unhealthy or uninspiring doesn’t mean the relationship didn’t serve some of your needs. All relationships have their benefits. Before you dive in to the break up, be specific about what you got out of the relationship. Make a list of the reasons you’ve stayed. For example, your boss abuses you in the same way your parents did, and this is oddly comforting. Maybe hanging out with your best friend’s children makes you feel less guilty for never having the children your parents hoped you’d have. Perhaps your religious affiliation gives you something to do every Sunday morning, and you like to have a place to go. Once you figure out what you get out of the relationship, you can figure out how to replace that “special” something.
You may also find ways to have empathy for the toxic people in your life. That doesn’t mean you give in to their insecurities, but toxicity usually comes from a sense of not feeling deserving of love. Or it comes from a place of not feeling like anyone else will be there for them. Being narcissistic, negative, critical, dominating, overbearing, and disappointed is definitely a part of the problem, but usually the toxic person has a bigger problem they need to work on.
Breaking up, or talking about the break up, can generally be a push to either resolve issues or live with the consequences. Reconciling a toxic relationship isn’t completely hopeless; however, it is hard to get out of the cycle of bad without first breaking it off completely. If you want them back, odds are you have a better chance of doing so by getting rid of the gunk first. You will gain more of their respect and more of your own power by taking a break verses sticking around and feeding fuel to their fire. If you don’t leave the relationship, then your toxic person will always remember they can call your bluff.