by Jamye Waxman
Heading home and straight to bed is also an option, or going down to the basement and making your own (wo)man cave works too. But you can’t stay there for days on end, because it won’t help you get out of the funk. If you don’t live alone, explain to your family or roommates that you need a little alone time and that you’ll come around when you’re ready. If they insist on knowing what’s going on, firmly set your own boundaries while also letting them know that you will be okay. Then give them a hug and head off and be proud that you practiced being the boss of you.
Share the news when you can with the assurance that you will be okay. And if you need assurance from someone else, phone or text someone who has always been a fan of yours, not someone who has put you down and will “tell you so” again.
As you get more comfortable with the idea of change, you’ll be able to hear advice, get support, or even find a lead on a new job from those closest to you and their connections. After you feel confident everything will be all right, or at least that you can hold it together for the time being, let anyone that was impacted by your work know that you are no longer at the same job. This can mean telling everyone from your coworkers (who may already know), to the contacts you made through work, to the competitors, and even your local barista. You never know where your next job lead will come from.
Real-Life Break Ups
“For nearly two decades before becoming a sexuality educator, I was with one of the world’s top advertising agencies. During my last few years at the agency I attended quite a few good-bye parties for coworkers who left their lucrative careers for something more fulfilling. Some opened bakeries, travel businesses, or simply began freelance consulting from home. I was at burnout levels too and envied those who found a way to put their happiness first. Ultimately, I remained at my job because I lacked the courage to follow in my brave coworkers footsteps. I kept telling myself being a single working mom with a mortgage, I had too much responsibility to quit my job for a carefree life with no guaranteed security. All that changed with a layoff.
Being unexpectedly unemployed was terrifying. It was also the best thing that could have ever happened to me, although it didn’t feel like it at first. I decided right then and there this was my only chance to make a change. It was now or never. It was quite a process redefining my identity. I spent all of my time devouring information—self studying human sexuality and learning how to market myself in this new arena. I was forced to figure out who I was, once I was stripped of my ‘corporate mom’ label. The transition was a slow process. Every day I wondered if I made the right decision not to go back to agency life. Every day, however, it got a bit easier and I grew more confident.
Fast-forward seven years. I am not only the happiest I’ve ever been but happier than I thought possible. And my happiness keeps growing exponentially. I didn’t realize how much my previous career was sucking the life out of me until that career was long gone. The majority of my work I do from home at my own pace. I have more time for my family. I laugh and smile more and feel absolutely free. I still do work a lot, but work doesn’t feel like work. As a result, I get more done allowing me to achieve an incredible amount of success in a short amount of time. Leaving my previous career behind was the best decision I’ve ever made and it’s enhanced mine and my children’s lives tenfold. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left my job years before that lucky layoff.” —Sunny Megatron, sex educator and TV personality.
“It wasn’t my choice. I got dumped. I got laid off along with half the staff (the other half were laid off the following year). It was the push that I needed but I wasn’t in any way ready for.
The hardest part was that I had no say in the matter. I had a one-year-old son and owned a home, and it was terrifying to have to figure out my next move. I sent resume after resume with very little interest. The fact was I didn’t really want any of those jobs; I wanted the one I had.
My husband was helpful in dealing with the mechanics of it all—the resumes, juggling schedules for interviews, etc. But (as much as I love him) he lacks a bit of empathy sometimes, and I felt like I was on my own emotionally. Most of my friends were in the industry. If they were employed it was hard for me to turn to them. Many of them were also unemployed at the same time, and it was too depressing to all be together. I was trapped in a funk for a while.
It was like breaking up a relationship, but usually after a relationship you can take all the time you need before dating again. You can dabble a bit in the dating scene and have conversations or hook-ups without committing or making any decisions. Here I had no choice but to jump back into the game. I eventually landed a gig in a related field that paid excellent money, but on day one, I knew I had made a big mistake. Three months in I was still miserable—the people, the environment, the work—none of it was what I was used to or what I wanted. I came from a job where every day was fun, or had some form of excitement, and this job was not how I wanted to spend more than one-third of my time.
I had been considering going back to school but was having a hard time dropping it all to start from scratch. My husband’s new job salary and moving to a cheaper city afforded us the opportunity for me to take the time, grow our family some more, and go to school.
It’s been three years now. Other than missing family and old friends, I am happier than ever—with new friends and a lovely (though sometimes boring) place to raise children. I miss the old job. But I think of it like a starter marriage: it served its purpose at the time, but it wasn’t ever going to be sustainable for the long-term life I wanted. I don’t want to work those hours anymore. I don’t want corporate drama. I don’t want to spend my life making rich people richer. So this time around my plan is to spend my days making people’s lives better, and being home at the end of the day with my family.” —Naomi
Change can be exciting. And yeah, it can also scare the pants off of you. But because you have no choice in this matter, getting the scary part out of the way will help you evaluate the exciting bits to come. Being fired can mean you weren’t particularly passionate about the position you were in. If that’s the case, this is a chance to find something you like more. And if being fired was about clashing with your boss, then you don’t have to deal with him or her again.
If you were let go because of major layoffs or the company went under, and your job isn’t so specific that there is only one or two positions like yours in the entire state, hopefully you can find a similar job. And if you can’t, then maybe this is the opportunity you needed to create your own job and work for yourself. You can reinvent yourself by going back to school or, as you look for work, volunteer some place you always wanted to know more about (like an animal shelter or community garden). You can update your CV and get right back up and on the workhorse. Or you can decide on the next career you want and find a way to make it happen.
Moving On
In any instance, a strong support network is integral. Having partners, friends, and family who can help support you on your journey is essential for getting by. If you don’t already have a list of people you can count on, write one now. You don’t need to include more than three to five people, but having an emergency backup list for any situation can help you feel less alone. While it can be hard to ask for help, we all get by with help from others. And however you break up with a career or a job, connection is key.
Real-Life Break Ups
“I couldn’t believe that I was thinking about breaking up with my job as a columnist at a major magazine. I was passionate about my topic and had become respected as one of the experts in the field—I even wrote two books and had a regular spot on a radio show for a while. After all the work I’d done to achieve my goal, I was going to quit?
But I was, and I did.
What shocked me was how deeply I felt the loss of my identity, and how long it took me to stop defining myself as ‘I used to be a columnist . . .’ And then one day at a party, about three years later, the inevitable question came:
‘What do you do?’ and I said, ‘Technical writing and horses.’ And it wasn’t until a friend burst out laughing and said, ‘And also she’s written two books and had a magazine column,’ that I realized I had totally forgotten to define myself by my past.” —Regina
And even if your job was your identity, having to create a new persona could be exciting and fulfilling.
You may find you’re less afraid to take risks, especially since you have already lost a lot. This resilience can lead you to pursue your path with gusto. And remember, lots of successful second and third careers have happened as a result of getting kicked in the ass—and out the door—at work.
According to a recent job satisfaction survey, less than 50 percent of workers are satisfied with their jobs.2 Ultimately, if you can find satisfaction in a job well done, then you’re winning at work.
CONSIDERATIONS FOR THE BROKEN UP
1.While a job may give you a certain identity, leaving a job allows for the space to create a new identity.
2.Be gracious when leaving. Don’t badmouth bosses and coworkers, even if they deserve it.
3.Seek out support. Let people know what you’re doing, or looking to do, next.
4.Be prepared to get all sorts of emotional about the ending of an era (whether at the company you work for or in the career you once had).
5.Remember that reinvention is reinvigorating.
TEN
Breaking Up with Anyone Else
Once you’ve broken up with the things you’ve been committed to for at least a portion of your life (whether it be your career, your cousin, or your community), breaking up with anyone else may seem easy breezy.
Either way, the little people in your life—meaning those who occupy only a certain amount of your space and time—are still people in your life. They are the people in your neighborhood, the barista who makes you coffee every morning, or the person you see every six weeks to wax your pubic hair. If you have a relationship with someone and then you don’t want them to rip the hair out of your skin any longer, it doesn’t mean they don’t deserve some sort of fond farewell.
The reality is, we’re not going to get all “official” when it comes to ending a relationship with our psychic (who should be able to predict it anyway, right?) or our bank teller (check). And if we visited a dentist two times and our teeth decided they needed some fresh fluoride, is there really a reason to tell the dentist that we’re not coming back for another cleaning? Probably not. But sometimes we establish a relationship with someone that goes a bit beyond casual acquaintance.
You may not call your favorite fitness trainer every weekend to let her know if you’re feeling sore from this week’s workout. But if you regularly attend a class or try personal training a couple of times and establish a relationship with this person, it may be awkward when you see them at the gym, or they see you stuffing your face with a doughnut, a month after you last got physical.
Maybe you can handle the occasional run-in with a hairdresser you cut out of your life. If you can sweep the ugly under the rug every time you run into your former housekeeper, then sweep away. But it’s better not to have to worry about what happens when you two do see each other. It’s easier when you don’t have to pretend you care or don’t care. Just lay it on the line, and you will know what line you walk on.
Breaking up with these people is a matter of how far you’re willing to go to give them the courtesy of letting them go. Nobody’s perfect in this arena (or in any area of breaking up, really). But, if the person you are about to break up with ever just pops up in your thoughts, then they probably wouldn’t mind being told you’re moving on. And if you’ve known someone long enough to feel like they are a part of your life, or at least a part of your routine, do you just change up the schedule without letting them know there’s been a change of plans?
This Sounds Ludicrous, Right?
Okay, breaking up with anyone else may seem like a stretch, especially because it’s easier to just let things slide without making a big deal about endings and beginnings. It’s already challenging to break up with those people you really care about, so why break up with the people you care less about?
While you may not sweat the small stuff, it is little things in life that sometimes matter. Most of these break ups don’t require a long, drawn-out understanding of what transpired. Breaking up with anyone else may just be a great way to have closure and move on. Smaller break ups are a significant way to move forward and can prove to have a larger meaning for you, in your life.
Breaking up with someone allows both of you the opportunity to grow. For the person doing the breaking up, it gives you a chance to practice being honest and open with someone, even when it’s awkward or difficult. And it gives them a chance to examine their behavior too, especially if there’s something they did, or didn’t do, that made you decide you were done using their services. Offering feedback in a constructive (and not critical) way can allow them to grow as a provider and you to grow as a communicator.
I know that if someone I see all the time just drops out of sight, I wonder what happened and hope that they are still alive and well. Yeah, I do think about if they died, which may be a stretch in terms of places to go in my mind, but it does happen. And if I think like that, then I’m not the only one. Saying good-bye will, if nothing else, alleviate a morbid curiosity about what has happened to you. Even if you’ve only scheduled three sessions with your Pilates instructor, thanking them (in the end) and letting them know it’s over brings closure and clarity.
Some people deserve to know because these people have helped you get ahead in your life. Whether it’s by taking care of your children or your house, it’s quite immature to stop using their services without letting them know why you’re done—especially if they may rely on what you pay them to help get by. Sure, it’s easy to make up an excuse, but telling someone that it’s not them (when it is) or that you’ll call them the next time you need them (when you won’t) leaves them waiting on your call or hoping things change. Even if they’re not desperately seeking your patronage, the fact that you couldn’t just be up front with them means that there are probably other places in your life where you’re avoiding things.
Real-Life Break Ups
“When my daughter was only three months old and I was returning to work, my sitter pulled out on me. I was wary of trusting her to begin with, but a working parent is so beholden to the childcare provider and even those not-so-perfect situations have to be palatable. So when I quickly found Fran to take her place, a local young mother of two, she was like a dream for me.
Fran was smart, sweet, and energetic and there was never a day when I didn’t feel totally secure dropping my ‘most precious’ off at her home. There’s a kind of security, an intimacy, that comes with a caretaker relationship that can be special when perfect, and devastating when it is somehow taken away. For eight hours a day, Fran was the mother I couldn’t be. So to say that I was in a relationship with her pretty succinctly gets at the heart of it.
Fran watched my daughter from three months until just shy of her second birthday. On the day she ‘broke up with me,’ I received a text from her saying that she needed to talk to me that afternoon, and my heart dropped. I cried the whole way to her house, knowing the substance of what she would tell me, and not knowing where I would go from there. As it turned out, her home was going to be foreclosed on, and she and her family needed to move in with her in-laws.
I went into panic mode from there. Could I buy her house in foreclosure and simply rent it back to her? Could we advance her money to help her situation? The truth was that there was nothing I could do. She was a twenty-six-year-old mother of two with a husband working as an assistant manager in the butcher department of the local grocery store. I couldn’t change her situation just to suit my own, and so I had to let her go. But as it turned out it wasn’t that simple.
A month after her last date of service, I decided to reach out to her because my daughter
kept asking for her and her children. Would she like to maybe just meet up at the mall in the play area? She said yes and we set a date, though not a time. So that weekend when I texted her three times and emailed her to find out what the plan was, I was surprised that I never got a response. Something had happened, and it was out of my hands. She had no presence on social media, so I couldn’t even find out there. Yet I kept trying. Every few months, I Googled her just to see what came up. One day I discovered an obituary for her father-in-law, so I wrote it off as family issues. Though I never quite felt settled.
I truly felt like she had in some way abandoned me, which made absolutely no sense because she was an employee, end of story. But she cared for my child and loved her, so I think in my mind it couldn’t be end of story. In some way, the sense of trust that I had put in her seemed somehow misplaced, simply knowing that she was gone and never wanted to know what became of my daughter. It was illogical. But I stopped Googling, I stopped emailing, I stopped looking for her.
And then one day we saw her.
A year after our last contact, we were in our local supermarket, and my husband spotted her from behind, along with her two children. I sprinted across two aisles just to stop her, and when she turned around it all hit me. She was thin—too thin. And she was pregnant again. She fumbled for excuses as we greeted. She mentioned that her Crohn’s disease had flared up and she was in doctor’s offices twice a week. The house never foreclosed and they were moving back in. She couldn’t work. And she was eight months pregnant. And I suddenly realized that she hadn’t dumped my daughter or me—she just had a life, and a difficult one at that. I smiled and told her, ‘Sometimes it’s harder to reach out to someone and give them the whole story than it is to just get through your every day. It’s really good to see you and know that you are okay.’ She looked relieved and smiled. I wished her luck and said good-bye.” —Amy