He’d also kept his promise about attempting to change her mind, and their constant conversations were draining her emotionally and mentally.
Another wave of anxiety struck. Cassidy couldn’t be more afraid if she was pinned in the path of an oncoming vehicle.
She’d suffered similar bouts when she was ten, after the accident when her father had driven the truck carrying them both into the well house. Rather than disappearing after he left, they’d worsened. So much so, her mother had finally taken Cassidy to see a doctor.
Eventually, and with the help of counseling, the anxiety disappeared. Until this past week.
Cassidy buried her face in her hands. She couldn’t go on like this. Not for much longer. Complaining to her parents would do no good. If they fired Shane and sent him away, he might, and probably would, tell Hoyt about Benjie.
What if she went to Shane? Pleaded with him again not to reveal her secret. She scoffed. He wouldn’t agree. She could still hear him talking about Bria and how the girl’s mother had kept her from him all those years.
Her only choice was to tell Hoyt and pray he’d be one of those loser fathers who didn’t give a flying fig about their offspring. Instinct told her that wasn’t going to be the case. Hoyt wanted children. According to Shane, he and his wife were actively trying for one of their own and having no luck.
They would probably jump all over the chance at seeing Benjie. Getting to know him. Taking him for visits. Seeking custody.
Cassidy’s heart twisted inside her chest, pressing painfully into her sternum. The next instant, a bright light flashed in her face, causing her to flinch and shield her face.
“Hey, what are you doing in here?”
The voice belonged to Tatum.
Cassidy blinked, bringing her friend into focus. “Just needed a few minutes alone.”
“In the dark?”
“I thought the bulb was burned out.”
Tatum moved closer, concern written over her lovely oval face. “What’s wrong?”
For days—actually since the moment she’d heard her father had hired Shane for the bull manager position—Cassidy had been carrying a heavy weight. Like an anvil hanging from a chain around her neck. She wanted nothing more than to unburden herself.
“Where do I start?” With that, Cassidy broke into sobs.
Immediately, her friend engulfed her in a soothing embrace. “Oh, honey. How can I help you?”
Cassidy allowed herself a good cry and, when it was over, admitted she felt better. Fortunately, no one had come looking for either her or Tatum.
“Let’s get out of here,” her friend suggested, and led Cassidy across the barn aisle to the empty office. “Your mom’s busy setting up the registration booth for tomorrow morning. We have the place to ourselves.” Just to be sure, she put the Be Back Soon sign in the window and locked both doors.
Cassidy helped herself to a cup of water from the cooler then dropped into a visitor chair. Tatum wheeled her chair from behind her desk and positioned it next to Cassidy’s, then folded Cassidy’s hand in hers.
“Tell me,” she coaxed.
The two of them had been friends since elementary school. It was easy for Cassidy to pour her heart out.
“Shane’s figured out who Benjie’s father is and has threatened to tell him.”
Tatum drew back. “Why would he do that?”
“Because...” It was more difficult for Cassidy to admit than she’d imagined. “Because he’s Benjie’s uncle.”
Tatum slumped in her chair. When she spoke, there was no judgment or censure in her voice. “I assumed as much.”
In all these years, Cassidy hadn’t told a soul other than her mother about Hoyt being Benjie’s father. The fewer people who knew, the less chance of her secret getting out.
She’d suspected Tatum had guessed. How could she not? They were close, after all. But for right or wrong, Cassidy had chosen to remain mute.
Tatum had respected Cassidy’s wishes and never pressed her to reveal the father’s name, proving just what a good friend she was.
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure yet.” Cassidy shrugged. “For the moment, Shane has agreed not to tell Hoyt. But he won’t be put off forever. He believes Hoyt has the right to know and wants me to tell him.”
“Would it be all that terrible?”
Cassidy gaped at her friend. “What if he tries to take Benjie away?”
“He can’t. There’s no cause.”
“I lied to him.”
“Still not reason enough. You’re a good mother.”
“He can get visitation. And shared custody if he were to move here.”
“Which he probably won’t.”
“I don’t know for sure.”
“All right. Let’s say he does move to Arizona and gets shared custody of Benjie. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Leave it to her friend to be practical.
“Benjie could decide he’d rather live with his father.” Her voice shook.
“What’s to say that wouldn’t happen anyway? You’ve been lucky so far. Benjie hasn’t shown much interest in his father. But chances are he will one day. Perhaps soon. Better you tell him while you’re still able to control the circumstances. At least, to a degree.”
Cassidy couldn’t feel more out of control.
“Break the news to Hoyt,” Tatum continued, “but wait until you’re ready. Get your ducks in a row first. Talk to Deacon. If he can’t help you, he’ll recommend someone who can.”
Cassidy saw the logic in her friend’s suggestion. Her future brother-in-law was an attorney, and Cassidy would need one to advise her of her rights. Also inform her of Hoyt’s rights and Benjie’s, too. Then she could put together an informed plan of action.
“You’re right.” She sighed. “Thanks.”
“It might not be all bad, you know. Telling Hoyt. There’ll be child support. Someone who can help with other expenses, if not pay for them, like braces and college.”
“I can find a way.”
“No doubt. But why do everything on your own if you don’t have to?” She stopped Cassidy before she could answer. “Right, right. To keep Benjie with you. Well, let’s face it. Single motherhood isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I, for one, am incredibly grateful for Ryder’s help. He’s great with the kids, and they love him. Hoyt’s a nice guy. He could be just as great with Benjie.”
“He drinks and drives. I don’t want him putting Benjie in the same position he did me.”
“That happened once, a lot of years ago.”
“What if Hoyt hasn’t changed?”
“Talk to him. Establish ground rules.”
“Mom tried with Dad. He didn’t listen.”
Tatum studied Cassidy’s face. “What’s the real reason you haven’t told Hoyt? Your father’s alcoholism?”
“Please don’t give me the speech about how he’s sober now.”
“I’m not talking about his drinking. I’m talking about the fact that, after six months, you two still can’t seem to patch things up.”
“One has nothing to do with the other.” Cassidy sounded defensive, even to her own ears.
“You don’t have a good relationship with your father. Can you honestly say he has no effect on your feelings about Benjie’s potential relationship with Hoyt?”
“Hoyt’s married. You don’t think his wife will be upset he has a child with another woman?”
“I think you’re making up excuses.” Though Tatum’s tone was gentle, her words were harsh. “Plenty of spouses deal with children from a previous relationship. Your brother, for instance. We’re getting married, and I have three children.”
“Hoyt’s going to be furious with me.�
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“Or he’ll be like Shane and your dad, overjoyed to learn he has a child.”
After a moment, Cassidy admitted, “I’m afraid. Of a lot more than Benjie possibly leaving when he’s older.”
Tatum smiled. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”
“What if I tell Hoyt and it tears the family apart?”
“Your family? Why would it?”
“I’ve been lying. Like my mother.”
“They overcame that.” Tatum squeezed Cassidy’s hand. “They will this, too.”
As much as she appreciated her friend’s support, Cassidy wasn’t convinced. “I’m just not sure.”
“What does Benjie want? Have you asked him?”
She shook her head and, sniffing, wiped at her nose.
“Cassidy, honey, don’t you think it’s time you did? After all, this is his father.”
“He’ll say yes. He wants to meet Hoyt.”
“Maybe. Probably. But if you introduce them now, he’ll be thrilled you did. If you deny him, he’ll likely come to resent you.”
Confusion muddled her thinking, and she rubbed her temples.
“There’s Shane, too,” Tatum mused. “And your relationship with him.”
“That was a long time ago and nothing special.”
“I’m talking about now.” Tatum gave her a knowing look. “Anyone can see you two like each other.”
“We do.” There was no one she could admit her feelings for Shane to other than Tatum. “Which is why him pressuring me to talk to Hoyt feels a little like betrayal.”
“Talk to Deacon,” Tatum urged.
Cassidy nodded, feeling caught between a rock and a hard place. Whichever direction she took, she was going to collide with something sharp, and the resulting injury would be painful and possibly permanent.
* * *
THE JAMBOREE RODEO didn’t technically begin for another four hours, though registration opened early in the morning. Trucks and trailers were arriving in a steady stream. Already the overflow parking area in the back pasture was half-full. Food and merchandise vendors were busy readying their wares for sale. Horses had been washed and brushed, tack cleaned and polished, clothes laundered and pressed.
At this moment, all Beckett hands were on deck. Each family member and employee had been assigned a specific job. Even Benjie was helping the maintenance crew ready the arena, though, truth be told, he was riding along on the tractor with Kenny while the teenager graded the deep dirt.
Cassidy kept watch on her son from the announcer’s booth. She’d originally gone up there to run an equipment test. With everything in working order, she had no reason to remain, other than the booth also enabled her to observe Shane.
Just the sight of him caused her chest to tighten. She’d stopped trying to decipher her emotions days ago. There were simply too many to separate.
He’d remained true. To her knowledge, he hadn’t told Hoyt about Benjie. At least, she hadn’t received a phone call from Hoyt, angry or otherwise.
Trusting people. It was a new experience for Cassidy. Other than her mother, sister and Tatum, there was no one else she relied on implicitly to put her best interests first. She certainly didn’t trust her father or, to a lesser degree, her brother. Ryder had abandoned her when she was just twelve. Yes, they’d come a long way in recent months, but inside she was still a lost little girl, deserted by the ones she loved.
She ignored the chronic throb in her head, the one that had started last weekend during Benjie’s birthday party and had plagued her all this week. Instead, she continued watching Shane, wondering what it might be like if they didn’t have these issues between them. She might well be dating him again. Part of her wanted that. A large part.
At the moment, he was herding specialized livestock, acquired just for the rodeo, into temporary pens which had been set up near the practice ring. Sheep, to be specific, for use in the Mutton Bustin’ competition. The miniaturized version of bull riding—children six and under got to ride a sheep—was a popular event at the Becketts’ rodeos. The child who stayed seated the longest won first place, though every participant received a token prize.
Shane’s daughter, Bria, followed him around like a second shadow. She seemed to exhibit both a fascination with and fear of the sheep, who were a noisy, active and smelly lot. Cassidy had overheard Shane earlier, trying to convince Bria to enter the Mutton Bustin’ competition. From the vehement shake of the little girl’s head, he hadn’t succeeded.
The two of them were quite sweet together. Shane certainly had a way with her. He had a way with all children, apparently, as Benjie adored him. The baseball glove, bat and ball had strengthened the growing bond between the two of them. Most days, Shane and Benjie practiced pitching and hitting in the backyard before dinner.
Shane knew he was playing ball with his nephew. Knew now that his daughter’s cousin was a mere fifty feet away, hitching a ride on the tractor in the arena. How, Cassidy wondered, did he feel? Was his chest as tight as hers?
Following Tatum’s advice, she’d called Deacon. He’d given her the name of an attorney in east Mesa who practiced family law. During their phone call, the woman had put some of Cassidy’s concerns to rest, but raised others. They’d scheduled an appointment for next week. Cassidy had wanted to meet sooner, as she wasn’t sure how long she could put off Shane. Unfortunately, the attorney didn’t have an opening.
Another week with her chest perpetually tight and this damn headache plaguing her 24/7. The stress had long since begun to show, increasing the number of times each day someone commented on her drawn expression and lack of focus.
She was about to leave the booth when she saw Shane kneel in the dirt in front of Bria. Had something happened? From this distance, Cassidy couldn’t tell. Shane was clasping both of Bria’s shoulders as if to comfort her, then kissed her forehead.
Last night during practice, Cassidy had watched him tangle with one of the horses. After dumping its rider, the horse had circled the arena at a full gallop. Shane finally cornered the horse and narrowly avoided being struck by a flailing hoof when it reared.
Cassidy had choked back a cry. Only when he had the horse under control had she released her death grip on the arena railing. She hadn’t run over and hugged him like before, though the idea had crossed her mind. How could it not? The sensation of his arms around her invaded her thoughts continually.
No denying it. He was strong and capable and confident. All traits she admired...and happened to find attractive. They weren’t half as attractive as the traits he displayed with his daughter. Gentleness, compassion, kindness. They drew her to him and made her think about him in ways she hadn’t thought of a man in...she couldn’t remember when.
He stood, a hand remaining on Bria’s shoulder. Perhaps sensing Cassidy, his gaze lifted to the announcer’s booth. A small shock wave reverberated through her, but she didn’t look away. Smiling, he tugged on the brim of his cowboy hat. She returned the acknowledgment with a nod before leaving the booth, closing the door behind her and descending the narrow stairs.
An hour later, clipboard nestled in the crook of her arm, hand-held radio clipped to her belt, Cassidy navigated the growing crowd. Her mother and sister could probably use some assistance in the registration booth, and she considered going. The line snaked halfway to the office. Mostly, she was killing time until she was needed at the arena.
Benjie was with Tatum’s three children, all of them under the care of the nanny Cassidy had hired for the weekend. The expense was a bit beyond her budget, despite Tatum chipping in for half, but she needed assurance her son was well supervised while she worked.
Her mother’s and Tatum’s words replayed in her head. Cassidy didn’t disagree. Child support payments from Hoyt would definitely ease the tight pinch of her finances. The question was, would
they be worth the cost?
An overwhelming need for a moment alone—this was becoming a habit—prompted her to change course. There was bound to be less activity behind the barn.
There was also Shane’s trailer. How could she forget?
He opened the door and emerged, spotting her before she could get away.
“Hey.” He grinned, not a single trace of the tension she’d been battling all week evident in his carefree expression.
Her mind promptly shut down at the sight of him. He looked good. Better than good. Dressed in a clean Western-cut shirt, fitted jeans, black leather vest and matching black Stetson, he could have easily graced the pages of the hot cowboy calendars her sister used to keep before meeting Deacon.
“Whatcha up to?” He stepped down onto the ground and made straight for her, no hesitation in his stride.
“I was, um...” The excuse she’d been prepared to give died on her lips as his proximity breached her defenses. “Frankly, I needed a break.”
“I understand. It’s been rough lately.”
She closed her eyes, bone weary. “That’s an understatement.”
“Want to come in for a cup of coffee or a cold drink?” He gestured at the trailer’s still open door. “I could use a pick-me-up.”
“Where’s Bria?”
“With DeAnna and her family. Your mom was generous enough to give them free passes. The sleepover’s set for tomorrow.”
“I’m guessing her mom checked out.”
“A real nice lady. I took your advice and paid her a visit the other day. I’m sure Bria will be fine. If not, I’m ten minutes away.”
“I’m glad.”
“I was serious about having coffee.”
Cassidy knew she should decline. Until she decided what to do about Hoyt, it was best she maintain strict boundaries with Shane. But she didn’t decline. As one of the four people who were aware of her situation, she could be herself with him. There was something liberating about that.
“Okay.”
He moved aside and she entered the trailer ahead of him. The steps creaked as she ascended them. Creaked louder when Shane did. Was it a warning? Had she made a mistake by accepting his invitation?
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