Dead-Tective Box Set

by Mac Flynn

  Bat managed to get a hold of himself and he flipped open the book to near the end. His finger ran down the page full of archaic handwriting and strange pictures of herbs and hand-waving like the witch had performed. He stopped halfway down one of the pages and tapped an entry. "Ah-ha! Here it is!"

  "Here what is?" I asked him.

  "The answer to our question. It seems the witch you encountered performed a life spell on Vince which gave him a sort of false or second soul. The soul arose inside him and, uncorrupted by his vampirism because it wasn't present during his initiation into his un-death, revived his body."

  "Wait, so is this a good thing or a bad thing?" I wondered.

  Bat turned his attention to Vince who had again closed his eyes. "That would depend on the vampire. For Vincent I believe the change has been rather-well, abrupt and a shock to his system."

  Vince shuddered, but he ground his teeth together and gained control over his body. He tilted his head toward Bat and his voice was hoarse and weary. "I will be fine," he argued.

  Bat snorted. "You haven't been fine for countless centuries, and you haven't had your soul for well over a century. Having all those emotions and bodily demands beyond hunger must be a little vexing."

  "Is it temporary?" I asked him.

  He pursed his lips and shrugged. "I can't say. That depends on the caster of the magic, and it's hard to guess the strength without knowing the witch."

  "So what do we do-" My stomach suddenly gurgled so loudly the noise echoed off the walls of the room. I cringed as the growl rang through my hollow stomach. "What the hell? I'm suddenly hungry."

  Bat scrutinized my face and raised an eyebrow. "Interesting. Because of your connection to Vincent the spell has been passed on to you. You are both no longer undead, but living."

  My mouth dropped open. "Then this means-"

  "That the curse no longer applies? The only way would be to remove the ring," Bat suggested.

  I had to try this. I had to know if I was finally free of this accursed life. I had to-get my hand free of Vince's grasp. Even as a human he still had a strong hold on my fingers. I tugged, but he didn't give. "Come on, Vince, you know you want me to try. Wouldn't it be great to get rid of me?" I argued.

  Vince frowned, but he opened his hands and I was free. I stepped back and took a deep breath. A second chance at a normal life. My mind's eye flashed with the possibilities of enjoying food again, or going out shopping, or even getting a new job. Well, maybe not that last part, but everything else would be fun.

  I grabbed the ring and gave a hard yank. Nothing. I gave another and another. My only reward was raw, rubbed skin on my finger. I dropped my arms to my side and hung my head. "No-go," I muttered.

  Bat patted me on the shoulder. "There is an advantage to this situation, at least for Vincent," he told me.

  I snorted and looked up at him.. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

  His eyes caught mine and flickered down to Vince without his moving his head. "It may make him feel better," he hinted.

  I followed his gaze and saw that Vince's blue eyes stared at me without blinking. His arms lay limp over his head and his body shivered with these new raw emotions and demands. He looked so-well, helpless. A fish out of water in his own body. I could relate. Well, when I was a half-vampire. Now I could feel all the familiar but forgotten quirks of the human body. There was the stiff muscles, the craving for pickles and yogurt, and the unrelenting demand to go to the bathroom.

  My cheeks reddened and I turned to Bat with a sheepish grin on my face. "Do you have-"

  "There's a bathroom in the machine shop," Bat told me.

  "Thanks, I'll be right-"

  "I will accompany you," Vince spoke up. He raised himself from the couch and winced. His hand flew to the place over his heart and he let out a gasp of air. "What is this feeling?"

  "That would be your heart pumping blood through your veins," Bat explained.

  Vincent scowled, dropped his hand and swung his legs over the side. "Living is a nuisance. We must find the counter-spell to this hex and lift it."

  I stalked up to him and put my hands on his shoulders. All but his hands was as weak as a lamb and I pinned him to the couch. My eyes met his and I frowned. "If I had to live with being a nearly-undead then you can do this whole living thing."

  He scowled back at me. "This is not a natural state."

  I snorted. "Neither is being undead."

  "This is a hex cast by an incompetent witch," Vince rephrased. "We must reverse the spell before worse side effects occur."

  Bat raised an eyebrow. "Incompetent? Was she?"

  I shrugged, but kept my hold on Vince's shoulders and glanced over my shoulder at Bat. "It looked like she tried to turn werewolves into something and they changed into cabbages."

  Bat stroked his short beard. "Very interesting. With such a novice witch it will be very difficult to tell how strong is the hex without studying the long-term effects."

  Vincent scowled at Bat. "There is no need for such study. We merely need to-" He grimaced and leaned over his lap. "I need to relieve myself."

  I sighed and grabbed his arm. "Come on. I'll help you to the bathroom, but I'm not aiming your-um, your little fellow for you."

  "I can stand on my own," he insisted.

  Vince pushed himself onto his feet, but his unsteady legs shook and his knees buckled. I caught him under the arms and he fell onto me. His weight was too much, and We both fell tow the floor with him atop me. My arms and legs flailed beneath him as I heard Bat chuckle over us. "Stop laughing and help us up!" I growled at him.

  "There is. . .no need," Vince wheezed. He managed to slip off me himself and sit back onto the couch. His hand went to his chest, but he willed himself to set his arm against his side. He steadied his breathing and relaxed. "It seems I will need time to adapt to this weak body until we can remove the hex."

  I snorted. "You forgot to mention you're as weak as a baby."

  "That may be, but I will not allow my new weakness to stop me from a simple task such as walking." Vince slowly rose to his feet and locked his legs. He shuffled past us and out the door like Frankenstein's monster.

  I held in my laughter until he was out of sight, and then burst into a wild cackle. I expected Bat to join in, but he stood silently nearby with his lips tightly pursed together. His expression of concern killed my merriment. "You're really worried about him, aren't you?" I asked him.

  He gave a nod. "Yes. In our many years of knowing one another I have never seen him in such a weak position. It's unfamiliar territory for him to be so helpless, and if we find that there is no cure for this hex then the life he knew may be finished."

  I cringed. A finished life hit a little too close to home for me. "So what do we do?"

  Bat turned to me and a small smile slipped onto his lips. He nodded at the ring on my finger. "That still binds you to one another. Should one of you perish in this weakened condition then the other still dies. If there is no cure then you must care for him as well as you are able, and maybe in time he will adjust."

  I sighed and my shoulders slumped forward. "So you're telling me I have to babysit a now-human Vince until, or if, we get this hex gone?"

  Bat chuckled. "I'm afraid so."

  I walked past Bat toward the exit. "All right, but I better not have to teach him how to use toilet paper," I grumbled.

  Chapter 5

  I walked through the lab and to the bathroom that lay in the garage. The door to the lavatory was located under the stairs and I found the entrance shut. I knocked on the door. "Vince, you in there?" I called out.

  "Yes," came his weary voice.

  "You, um, you need any help? I mean, it's been a long time since you, um, went the bathroom," I pointed out.

  There came a flush, a running of water, and in a moment the door opened. Vince stood unsteadily on his feet, but had enough energy to glare at me. "There is no need for that. I am not a child."

  I glanced pa
st him and saw the bathroom was a little dusty, but otherwise clean and had a toilet and sink. My bladder reminded me that nature called. "Good, then get out and let me have a turn." I slipped behind him and pushed him out of the room. He stumbled forward, but caught himself before he fell. I shut the door and turned to the toilet. Upon closer inspection I saw the seat was up and he-well, more than his physical strength had vanished with his change to human.

  I came out a few minutes later and found Vince leaning wearily against the wall outside the bathroom. "You need to learn to aim or you'll never get a human female to room with you," I scolded him.

  He scowled and slowly pushed himself off the wall. "I do not bring my meals 'home,'" he countered.

  I snorted. "Well, your meals are now your fellow humans until, or if, we get this spell thing taken care of."

  "Hex," he replied.

  "Eh?"

  "When a witch uses magic on someone it is called a hex."

  "Oh, right. I knew-" I paused and shook my head. "No, wait, forget it. There's no way I could have known that." Vince shuffled past me and I heard the sound of a grizzly bear emerge from his stomach. I grabbed his wrist and nodded at his noise-maker. "You hungry?" I guessed.

  He glanced down at his stomach and frowned. "Yes, but there is no time for food." There came another loud complaint from his stomach.

  "Uh-huh, well, your body is telling you it's time for food, and for humans the hunger isn't all that different from the hunger of a vampire. It's got to be fed, so we're going to feed it," I told him. I dragged him toward the car.

  Vince stumbled and struggled after me, but he still hadn't gotten the hang of his weakened body to out-muscle me. "Release me!" he growled as we rounded the front to the passenger side.

  "Sure thing," I replied. I opened the passenger door and swung him inside. He flew chest-first into the seat and I tucked his feet in before I gave him the nickname stumpy when I slammed the door shut behind him. He sat up and glared at me through the window, and I smiled back and pointed a finger at the ground. "Now stay."

  I walked around the back of the car and saw the door adjoining the garage and lab open, and Bat step inside the garage. "I heard a noise. Is there a problem?" he asked me.

  I nodded back at the car where Vince scowled at both of us. "Vince is hungry, so I thought I'd take him out for some real food," I told him.

  Bat smiled. "Then I wish you good luck in taking care of Vincent. He isn't the best patient."

  I smirked and opened the door. "That's fine, I'm not the best doctor." I hopped inside and slowly backed the heavy-duty car out of the garage. The last view we had of the garage was Bat waving to us, and then the door closed.

  I reversed until we hit the abandoned buildings down from Bat's home, and I turned to my partner. "So where do you want to go? Some place expensive? Quaint? Dirt-cheap?"

  "I wish to be taken to Hawthorn Avenue," he growled.

  I frowned. That street lay in a part of the slums about six blocks from our apartment. "Why there?"

  "If we are to lift this hex than we must consult other witches, and many reside there," he explained.

  I shook my head. "Sleuthing isn't an option yet. Your body needs food, and if I had to feed on your terms as a human stuck to a vampire, then you have to feed on my terms as a human stuck to another human," I insisted.

  "How do you expect to pay for this outing of yours?" he countered.

  "This is how." I reached across the short seat between us and pilfered the roll of bills from inside his coat. His eyes widened and he tried to snatch the money from me, but his reflexes reflected his human status and he missed my hand by a mile. I leaned away from him and held the roll triumphantly in the air above my head. I grinned at him. "You're too slow, old man." Vince straightened and turned his face away from me. He gazed out the window and his face fell. His shoulders slumped and he looked weary. Suddenly my triumph wasn't all that triumphant and I lowered the bills into my lap. "Come on, Vince, things aren't that bad," I insisted. He didn't reply. I sighed and glanced down at the money. A bright idea popped into my mind and I smiled at him. "You know, it'll be a lot easier to find a cure to this hex if you eat something. Your body would stop complaining and we could get some sleuthing done."

  Vince sighed and looked straight ahead through the windshield. "Lead me where you will."

  "Perfect! I know just the place I've been dying to eat at!" I turned the wheel and punched the gas pedal. We jumped forward and puttered down the alleyways between the buildings.

  Vince sat silently beside me as we meandered our way through the mid-night car-and-pedestrian traffic. The hour was well past when most people usually ate and I knew the area from my past days as a plain old office girl. That combination allowed me to find prime real estate for parking near my favorite restaurant, The Italian Alley. It was a small establishment on one of the off-streets to the fashionable restaurant district. The blocky building had large windows on either side of its double-door entrance. Through the windows one could glimpse booths and tables with candles and menus with more Italian than English. The atmosphere was low-key, the crowds weren't too terrible, and the service was always there to greet you with a smile.

  I hopped out of the car and around to the sidewalk, but noticed Vince was slow to follow. Actually, he sat like a stone statue in his seat. I frowned at him. "Get out or I'm dragging you out. You know I can do that now," I reminded him.

  His scowl deepened, but he did as I ordered. I grabbed his arm, smiled at him, and led him inside. He blinked against the bright lights and cheery atmosphere. A waiter in a waist apron and black jacket with white shirt came over to us. "Duo?" he asked us.

  "Si, and a dark table, grazie," I replied. He swept his hand toward the large dining room and guided us to a booth seat at the back.

  I dragged Vince along and leaned toward him. "Bet you didn't know I knew some Italian," I teased him.

  "I still do not," he retorted.

  I was in such a good mood his bad temper couldn't vex me, and I instead laughed at his grumpiness. "You can't ruin this meal for me. I'm going to enjoy really eating my meal instead of chewing and swallowing, or slurping it down a la human neck."

  We seated ourselves opposite one another in the square booth and the waiter handed us the menus. I poured over the fettuccine and lasagna while Vince sat there like a lump on a log staring straight at me. Even with blue eyes it was unnerving. My eyes glanced over the top of the tall menu and I narrowed them. "You could try to act normal," I suggested.

  "I have no familiarity with Italian food," he stiffly replied.

  I snorted. "You're how old and you don't know about Italian food?"

  "A vampire has no taste buds that can detect the flavor of human food," he rephrased.

  I dropped my menu onto the table and lifted an eyebrow. "You're joking."

  "No."

  I leaned over the table and looked him in the eye. "So when you were a vampire-"

  "I still am. Only my body has changed," he insisted.

  "When you weren't in denial about your species you really couldn't taste any human food? That doesn't sound right. It should have tasted like something," I insisted.

  He stared at me for a moment in thought. "I would describe it as chalk," he finally replied.

  I grimaced. "Yum." I straightened and slid his menu closer to him. "Well, this stuff definitely doesn't taste like chalk, so pick anything-hell, pick everything on the menu and we'll try it. You know what? I'll just do that." I signaled to the waiter who came over to our table. "I'd like a plate of everything on the menu, and that includes the wine list."

  The waiter blinked at me. "Everything?"

  I took out the wad of cash and set it on the table. "Everything."

  The waiter's face brightened at the money and he enthusiastically nodded his head. "Yes, Signorina! It shall be done immediately!" He scurried off to obey my command and I looked to Vince. "Now you'll see what you've been missing these past couple of centur
ies."

  Little did I know I was about to create a monster.

  Chapter 6

  The food was brought in a very timely fashion with all the pomp a small place like that could offer. There came a half dozen waiters, half with their arms loaded with trays and the other half with folding legs on which to set the trays. There wasn't enough room on the table for all the food and our plates. They set out the beautiful dishes stacked with food and plopped a dozen glasses to fill with the variety of wines.

  With many thanks and open admiration the waiters bowed and left us to our meal. The parade of food created a big scene in the tiny restaurant and many of the patrons stared at our table. I smiled and waved at them, and most turned away in embarrassment at being caught staring. Others waved back and returned to their food.

  I looked to my partner. His eyes were wide and he blinked once. With how rarely he blinked a single blink told me he was absolutely bewildered. I pushed a plate of spaghetti toward him. "Try this. Everyone likes spaghetti."

  "I may not," he argued.

  I rolled my eyes. "Stop being a baby and try it. You'll like it." I watched like a stern mother as he lifted his fork and dug it into the pile of noodles and tomato sauce. He lifted half the plate with his fork, and most of it promptly fell off. Vince scowled at the noodles as though they had committed some blasphemy. I stifled my snort, and reached over and stabbed my own fork into the mess. "Like this," I instructed him. I cut off some noodles, then twirled my fork like a ballerina. Then I lifted the utensil and showed off my fine mess of noodles. "See?"

  Vince frowned, but mimicked my moves. In a moment we had twin forks. He lifted it to his mouth, but paused and glared at me over his full fork. "Turn away."

  I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come-"

  "Turn away."

  I sighed. "Fine." I turned to the window and watched his reflection as he scarfed the whole forkful down, and nearly ate the fork with it. He munched a few times and his eyes widened. I looked back to the original and grinned when he chewed and swallowed his mouthful. He stiffened and his hand tightly clasped his fork. "Well?" Vince's reply was to stab his fork for another round and eagerly twirl his utensil for an even greater glop of noodles. "I'll take that as a 'yes.'"