Thank you, Toni Falcon. Thanks so much.
“What the hell is that sound?” I was dead asleep on the hardest bed I’d ever slept on in my life, including the sleeping bag I’d used for camping as a kid. “It’s not time for my alarm yet.”
Fumbling around on the nightstand for my phone, I soon realized it wasn’t MY alarm. It was the fire alarm in the motel.
Soon I heard the voices of other guests and an employee knocking on doors. “This is not a drill. Please evacuate the hotel immediately.”
Are you shitting me? It was three a.m.
I didn’t have time, or I’d just pack up my shit and go back to the other hotel. But, my toiletries were set out in the bathroom and I’d unpacked my things into the drawers and the closet. It was one of the tricks I used when we traveled to games to make every hotel room feel more like home. No matter what, I always unpacked.
But now, with the alarm blaring, I didn’t have time to pack it up again, so I threw on a thick hoodie and my jeans, grabbed my phone, wallet, and keys, and shuffled outside.
Thankfully the snow had stopped, but it was still fucking freezing as we all stood out in the cold, shivering our asses off and waiting for the fire department to let us back in.
“Hey, aren’t you …?” some guy started to head my way.
“No.” I walked the other direction. I was not in the mood to talk to anyone.
After about an hour, they finally let us back in. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I had a decision to make. Do I just pack up and head the ten miles back to Breckenridge? My training started at nine and it was now four. Or, should I catch a couple more hours of sleep and get up at six as planned?
My body made my mind up for me, as I flopped back onto the bed, still fully clothed. My eyes involuntarily closed and I heard the voices of the other guests heading back to their rooms. I’d just rest a bit and then head back to the hotel.
“Daddy! Daddy! But I want to go swimming.” I was dreaming about some kid and could hear his dog barking.
“Son. It’s February and this motel doesn’t have a pool,” the overly loud voice said, “Come on. We need to get going.”
“But I want to go swimming!” Evidently, the damn dog did too.
My brain came back to consciousness and I realized that it wasn’t a dream. Some kid, his dog, and his dad were standing right outside my door, shouting like they were trying to prevent a kicker from making the winning field goal.
Why were they yelling like that in the middle of the night? It was then that I realized that there was light coming in my eyelids. It wasn’t the middle of the night!
My eyes flew open. Shit! It was 8:30! My alarm didn’t go off.
Running around the room, I stuffed my things back in my bag, brushed my teeth, and threw on my clothes. Oh, and a glance outside the window told me that it was snowing again, which meant the traffic was going to be slow.
There was no way I was going to make it to this training by nine. Great way to make a first impression in your sensitivity training, Ryan. Waltz in there an hour late like you’re too good to be on time.
8
Lauren: In Good Company
I was simultaneously taking extra care getting ready this morning and denying the reason I was doing it.
“I just want to look good for the clients. That’s all.” I said this to myself as I took extra time on my hair, makeup, and clothes, making sure I looked amazing today.
At the same time, I was berating myself. You haven’t seen him in ten years. He’s not going to care what you look like. It’s not a date. He’s an arrogant ass, and you are his trainer.
Yeah, but if I look great, then he’ll see what he’s been missing all these years.
What do you care, Lauren? You broke up with him for a reason. Guys like him don’t change.
If you really believed that, then why are you in this business in the first place?
Heading out the door toward the bank of elevators, I realized that the time for my mental debate was over. I looked great, and it didn’t matter what Shawn Ryan thought. It was time to do what I did best: Help people discover and change the way they see the world.
As was my custom, I grabbed a large coffee and then headed into the room where we were doing the training. I liked to get there about twenty minutes before the participants so I could set up and get everything ready.
We tended to keep the groups small — no more than eight people, so that I could give everyone the kind of personal attention needed to affect actual change.
Besides, these were usually highly successful people who don’t want to be in the training. If they can see a few other high profile folks in the same space, and feel like they are getting special treatment, they’re more likely to be open to learning. This was not your run of the mill “training program” given at mass levels.
I turned on my Spotify playlist and sat down with my coffee to go through the bios of the people who were coming this weekend. When I first started doing this, I did a lot more research and prep in advance. But after five years, I pretty much had it down.
Today we had nine people because I had to fit Shawn in. It was an uneven number for some of the breakout sessions, but I’d make it work.
Here was who we had on the list:
Alex Godwyn: Actor on the popular television show, “Who’s Your Daddy?”
Diego Montoya: Race car driver
Andrea Roberts: Professional golfer
Elizabeth Franco: Heiress and CEO of Franco Vineyards
Dr. Charles Von Estermeyer: MIT Professor
David Christopher: Lead guitarist for Viper
Senator Harrison “Tipper” Connely
Kevin Chu: CFO of Orion Oil
Shawn Ryan: Quarterback for the Houston Heroes
I glanced at the clock on the wall and saw that it was a couple of minutes to nine. I’d unlock the door at straight up nine o’clock so that everyone was on an even playing field. Grabbing my coffee cup and finishing the last of it, I threw it in the trash on my way to unlock the door.
Pulling the door open, the people started to file in.
“Good morning. Come on in. Have a seat anywhere …”
The thing about sensitivity training is that most people think that they don’t need it, and so they resent having to go. The first thing I always did was to do an ice breaker that let everyone know that they all felt the same way.
Everyone sat around the conference table, and it immediately became apparent that one person wasn’t there. Shawn.
Typical.
Sometimes people would no-show, but more often than not by the time they got here, whoever made them come had already spent so much money on the training and accommodations, and the consequences of not getting the training were so dire that most people just came and did it.
I didn’t have time to wonder where he was because I had eight other people staring at me.
“Hi everyone, welcome to Uncover your Isms. This training has been given around the world, to celebrities, athletes, politicians, and people from pretty much every walk of life in dozens of countries around the world. In fact …” I lowered my voice conspiratorially… “ a certain member of the Royal Family has taken this training, so you are in good company”
This always got a few impressed smiles.
“The thing is, everyone has hidden biases, even when we don’t realize it — which of course is why they are hidden. The human brain is hardwired to group things into categories and to make quick assessments as to whether things are good or bad. It’s the way our ancestors learned to survive. So the fact that you’re here means one thing: You’re human.”
I could see the body language of the participants start to relax, as they always did at about this point.
“Here’s how the training is structured. Today we are going to look at some of the hidden assumptions and biases that we all have, and what you each specifically have. And then the second day we’ll discover the link between those bias
es and how they translate to behavior.
You see, things like racism, sexism, ageism, and all the other “isms” don’t occur in a vacuum, but are part of a larger context. It’s shaped by the culture we live in, the family we grew up in. The things we are taught in school and the experiences we have in our personal relationships. All of these things shape and influence the way we see the world and the assumptions about the people around us.”
My eyes kept wandering to the clock on the wall. It was so rude of Shawn to not even show up. He was likely to get fined or even fired if he missed this training.
A hand went up, and I said, “Yes, Dr. Von Estermeyer?”
“So what you’re saying is that we shouldn’t make assumptions?”
“No. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Everyone makes assumptions all day long. You can’t help it. We all assumed that there would be electricity in the room today. That there wouldn’t be a zombie apocalypse that prevented us from getting here.”
“I assumed there’d be coffee.” That was David Christopher, and everyone laughed.
I grinned and said, “In a couple of minutes, we’ll take our first break and you can grab some coffee. After that, we’ll get straight into our “uncovering hidden bias” assessment.
But, first, let’s introduce ourselves. Tell the group who you are, what your profession is, and who sent you here and why. And what you want to do to them for making you come.” Everyone chuckled.
“I’ll start. My name is Lauren Gordon and I am a trainer and the CEO and Owner of LG Training and Consulting. I’m here because when I was in college …” I paused. I usually told a story about how my boyfriend became an insensitive jerk and I went into this profession because of him. But if he did show up, I didn’t want to reveal that. So, I changed the story midstream.
“... I had a class in race relations that really inspired me. And that’s how I ended up doing this. So I guess it was my professor who made me come here today. So to speak. And, I’d like to thank her. Who is next?”
Everyone went around the room and shared the precipitating event that brought them to the training. The group was starting to bond and get comfortable with each other when the door burst open.
The Senator was in the middle of telling us that his campaign manager was the one who told him to take the training in order to become “re-electable.” A couple of his staffers had accused him of making inappropriate jokes and word had gotten out on social media.
Before he could finish, though, who burst through the door but my ex boyfriend himself — Shawn Ryan.
“I am so sorry I’m late,” he said, out of breath. How far did he run to get out of breath? The man was a professional football player. “There was a thing with my reservation and then I had to stay ten miles away, and there was a fire alarm, and …”
He finally stopped when he saw eight people staring at him. Actually, he stopped mid sentence and was staring straight at me.
“Lauren?” The look on his face was one of pure shock. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m running the training.”
His mouth dropped open and he looked around the room. “Oh my god. LG Training. Lauren Gordon.”
“You can take a seat next to Diego,” I said, motioning to the one empty seat. “Senator Connely was in the middle of speaking.”
I hated it when this happened. Group cohesion was a delicate thing, and now with this disruption, we were going to need to start all over again. Everyone was going to be awkward and reluctant to self-disclose with this new member in the group.
“Oh. I was pretty much finished,” the Senator said, sitting back down.
He wasn’t finished at all, but I decided to drop it. “Tell you what. Let’s take a coffee break now, and then we’ll finish our introductions when we get back. Everyone meet back in the room in twelve minutes, okay?” That would make it straight up ten o’clock.
Everyone started to file out of the room and Shawn just stood there, looking unsure of what to do. We just stood there looking at each other for a few seconds, and then we were alone in the room.
“Hello, Shawn. Long time no see.”
9
Shawn: Call Me Judy
Well, smack my ass and call me Judy. To say I was surprised to walk in and see none other than Lauren Gordon leading the training would be an understatement. For years, I’d considered her my “one that got away.”
Of course the reason she “got away” was because she’d become a self-righteous nag who was always guilt tripping me for enjoying myself. Sorry, sweetheart, that you have to spend every minute with your flashcards and your study groups, but I’m about to be a football star and am gonna have some damn fun. What’s the point of college if you can’t go to parties and let loose a little?
Oh sure, I thought about her over the years. A lot. Probably more than I had a right to, if I were being honest. So many times when I was being interviewed on TV, or made one of those passes that we used to call “The Lauren,” I wondered if she was watching. I’d been curious to know what she ended up doing with all those good grades and debate experience.
And now, as I sat here in this conference room in Breckenridge, Colorado, I finally got my answer. She looked good. Damn good, really. She still had those auburn curls I used to love to count. And that little turned up nose that I used to tease her was too small to breathe out of. Those lips … oh, the things I did to those lips.
“So, Mr. Ryan. What do you think about that?” She was staring right at me, along with the eight other people in the room.
“Uhhh. I …” To be honest, I hadn’t been paying attention. I was checking out her tight little ass.
“Right.” She turned and walked back to the whiteboard that was at the front of the room. “What we were saying, Mr. Ryan, was that we have all experienced being the recipient of someone else’s bias. I’d asked for examples of a time when someone made assumptions about you that were inaccurate. Elizabeth said that she often encounters people who think she can’t be an effective leader because she is a woman in a male dominated industry and because she inherited her company.”
I looked at Elizabeth and wondered if it was because of that, or maybe she was actually just a really shitty leader. Sometimes what we think is bias is actually an accurate assessment.
“So, Mr. Ryan, how about you give us one of yours? Describe a time when someone made an assumption about you that was inaccurate.” She was standing there with a smug look on her face, tapping the dry erase marker with her manicured fingernail.
“Actually, Ms. Gordon, that’s easy. When I was in college I had this girlfriend who always saw the worst in me. If I showed up late to a date, she automatically assumed that I was up to no good instead of maybe I’d just gotten stuck in traffic. Or when I didn’t call her twenty seven times a day she assumed that it meant I wasn’t thinking of her, when in reality I was in practice all day long sweating to death in the Los Angeles sun. Or when —”
“We get it, Mr. Ryan. You were a saint and she was completely mistaken for thinking that you were neglecting her, despite photographic evidence to the contrary. Is that what you’re trying to say?”
“Uhhh, are we even talking about this training anymore?” Alex was looking back and forth between us with a really confused look on his face.
Lauren’s face was all red and she looked flustered. For some reason that made me happy. Good to know I could still get to her.
She turned her back toward the white board, as if she were going to write down my answers, but then just let out a big defeated sigh.
“Let’s take another short break and then come back to wrap up day one.”
As everyone started to file out of the room, Alex caught up with me. “What the hell was that, man? Do you two know each other or something?”
I grabbed my notebook and followed him out of the room. “Why do you ask?”
“Because the sexual tension between the two of you is thicker than a Kardashian’s as
s.”
I made a face. Sexual tension? More like just regular tension. Lauren Gordon, despite being drop dead gorgeous, still had an attitude problem the size of Texas.
I wouldn’t sleep with her if she were … oh, who was I kidding? I’d totally still tap that if I could.
Lauren wasn’t in the room when I came back with a chocolate chip cookie and a bottle of vanilla milk. Earlier in the day, she’d had us all do these implicit bias tests online that were created by Harvard and Yale to see if we had hidden preferences for certain things, like light colored skin over dark and males over females. Then, we compared our results to the reason we were attending the training.
It was pretty spot on, actually, even though I didn’t understand how looking at faces and words could determine it. But, for me, it showed that I had a strong preference for males over females, and youth over age.
The professor, on the other hand, had a preference for age over youth. He’d been subject to “ageism” himself and we talked about how ironic it was that the very thing he’d experienced was something he was unconsciously doing.
Despite the fact that I was being forced to be here, this was some interesting shit.
I was just finishing my cookie when Alex and that race car driver Diego came back in the room talking about cars. I hadn’t mentioned my car collection because I didn’t want to be that guy who always had to let everyone in the room know that he was rich. Of course in this room, it was pretty much an even playing field. We were all rich and successful and at the top of our game.
My feet were up on the chair next to me when Elizabeth from the winery came over. “Hey. I’ve been meaning to say hi.”
Moving my feet so she could sit next to me, I replied back with a grin, the one that showed my dimples, and said, “Hello yourself.” That always made them smile.
The Alpha's Second Chance Page 4