Today, we are leaving port, so while all the passengers were coming aboard and getting settled to listen to the safety briefing, I would be in my office preparing for departure.
“Good afternoon, Captain.” Speak of the devil, Carlos was there to greet me as soon as I walked on the bridge. His black hair slicked back like that made him look a little like Antonio Banderas.
“Good afternoon, Carlos. How are things today? I assume the weather is still looking good?”
When you operate a cruise ship out of Miami during hurricane season, watching the weather is an ever-important task. If there was a serious storm, we’d change course and go to different ports of call. The passengers weren’t always thrilled about it, but my job was to keep everyone safe.
“It seems to be all clear, sir.”
“How are you doing with the... other matter?” I asked in a low voice. Like me, I was sure that Carlos didn’t want his personal business broadcast all over the ship.
“I’m fine, sir. Just going to stay focused on work and ignore the situation. Honestly, I’m more worried about this mystery shopper person than my ex-wife and her new husband.”
I could see why. A few times a year, we would have an “undercover” visit from someone whose job it was to evaluate the cruise. Sometimes it was a magazine or a website, other times it was an actual mystery shopping company. In the early part of my career, I didn’t really care about these visits. The only visits I was concerned with were the formal inspections. But after getting a negative review from a major critic, I’d been called in by my boss. He explained that customers read these reviews when choosing a cruise, and negative press would affect our profitability. Ever since then, we started taking these “mystery” guests very seriously.
“Do we have any idea who it might be?” I asked. Sometimes you could tell, but more often than not they did a good job of staying undercover.
“Not yet. We’ll keep our eyes open.”
“Good. Just stay focused on making sure every guest is happy and we won’t have a problem.” I nodded to him and then headed to my office.
At least the guests would be happy this cruise. I wasn’t so sure about their captain.
7
Charlie: The Price of Fame
“And what can I get for you?” the waitress named Katja asked me. Sam had ordered the drink special, some blue concoction in a tall glass with a pineapple wedge. That looked way too strong and sweet for me.
“Maybe a glass of red wine?”
Looking around at the people who were our “tablemates” for the cruise, I noticed that they were all couples. There were two people obviously on their honeymoon, Madilyn, and Stefan, who were making out instead of looking at the menus. Not that I could blame them. Next to Sam was an older couple, Helen and Edward who were passionately debating whether it was okay to order more than one entrée per person. And next to me sat a funny gay couple, Harold and Brent, who were decked out in matching Hawaiian shirts.
Sam and I were the only ones at the table not romantically involved, which made me a little sad. Especially when I saw all the couples toasting.
We were doing the normal chit chat that people do when they first meet. “So, where do you live?” and “How do you like being from such a small town?”
Sam was launching into a story about the time her boat got stalled on the river when someone came up to the table and stood behind us awkwardly. It was a young man, holding a paper napkin.
“Excuse me. You’re Charlie Miller, aren’t you?” His voice actually cracked a little when he said: “Aren't you?”
I wiped my mouth with my napkin and turned to him and smiled. “Yes, I am.”
“Oh wow. I heard you’d be on this cruise, and, well, you’re the reason I booked a ticket. I was hoping to see you tomorrow, but oh my gosh here you are just sitting here. This is amazing. Really amazing.”
The other people at the table just stared at me with shock. Edward leaned over to Helen and said, in an overly loud whisper, “Is she famous or something? I don’t know who she is?”
Just then, Brent gasped in recognition. “Oh my gosh, Harold. Do you know who this is?” He then turned to me and said, “Do you know who you are?”
I laughed. “Yes. I do know who I am.” Ever since my book had made the New York Times bestseller list and my face was plastered on billboards and bus ads, I’d been getting more and more attention.
The young man just stood there with his napkin and pen, watching it all. He was wearing a plaid collared shirt, thick glasses, and baggy blue pants. Finally, when he saw me looking at him, he became aware of what he was doing and said, “Would you mind signing this? I’m afraid I didn’t bring my copy of your book to dinner.”
I took the pen and asked, “Who should I make it out to?”
“Kevin. Kevin Aronson. That’s me.”
I signed the paper and handed it back to Kevin. “Well, Kevin, if you bring your book to my talk tomorrow, I’ll sign it, too.
“Oh, wow. Thank you!”
Dinner was pretty good, and Sam was a hit with the other guests at our table. She was regaling them of stories of our life in Parker and what it had been like when I started getting famous. Everyone was asking questions and, although I knew it was part of the deal in being the celebrity speaker on board, part of me just wanted to be on vacation.
I could actually feel that guy Kevin staring at me from across the dining room. I’d thought he was a kid, but he appeared to be seated with some young adults, so he might have been older than he looked. He was sweet, but it was also a little creepy being stared at while I was eating.
That’s why as soon as dessert was over, I left to go back to the room. Brent and Edward invited us to go to the piano bar, but I just wanted to go over my presentation for tomorrow and get a good night’s sleep. The two glasses of wine I’d had with dinner had kind of gone to my head.
Edward and Brent went ahead of us, and then when they made a right turn in the hallway outside the restaurant, paused for Sam to say goodbye. “You’re sure you don’t want to come? Just for one drink?”
“I’m sure. You go, have fun. We can hang out after my talk tomorrow.”
She kissed me on the cheek and said, “Okay. Don’t wait up!”
Trust me. I’m going to be asleep before your first drink arrives.
The elevator doors whooshed open and the silence of the hallway soothed my ears. I couldn’t wait to change into my pajamas and get into bed. There were a couple of people walking toward me, but they were speaking in soft tones. It was nice up here, and I wondered what it was like on the lower cabin levels.
The door clicked open and when I walked in the suite I was blown away again at how spacious it was. I was glad I’d come back to prepare for my talk. These people deserved the best I could give them.
In my room, I changed into my pajamas, took out my contacts, grabbed my laptop and got into bed. I pulled open my Prezi and practiced my narration. “Good morning! My name is Charlie Miller, and I didn’t know I was fat… until I wasn’t.”
The next thing I knew my phone was ringing.
“Charlie!” I could barely hear Sam over the background noise.
“Hello?”
“Charlie!”
“Sam?”
“Charlie!”
Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I didn’t say anything but checked my texts. Evidently, I’d fallen asleep during my own presentation, which was not a good sign.
I’d missed 14 texts from Sam. And three calls. Maybe we should have gotten that onboard texting thing they were selling before we boarded.
The last text I’d gotten said:
Brent and Edward just left and that guy Kevin is here and won’t leave me alone. I tried leaving, but he just followed me. I think if you come talk to him, he’ll go away. I’m in the piano bar.
Before I could write back, my phone rang again. “Charlie! Can you hear me?”
For heaven’s sake. I’ll just go down there
.
8
Dean: Undercover
Insomnia sucks.
We’d departed from Miami and headed out onto our charted course toward the U.S. Virgin Islands, and then I’d handed over the bridge to Carlos. He was more than happy to take over, so he would minimize the risk of running into his ex-wife.
“Feel free to take a staycation on this cruise,” he’d joked. “I’m happy to run things.”
Of course, we both knew I couldn’t do that, but I definitely appreciated having someone I could count on like him.
I’d gone back to my quarters, fed Ciao, and then changed for dinner. I’d met with a couple of dignitaries from France in one of the private dining rooms on board and put on the expected smile and laughed at all the right times. But, by the end of the evening, I was exhausted and just wanted to go back to my quarters and go to sleep.
Which is exactly what I did. Or, tried to do anyway. I was really anxious about picking up those papers tomorrow and I tossed and turned for hours. The bliss of sleep eluded me.
In times past, Gianna would call when I was at dinner and if she couldn’t get hold of me for an hour or so, she’d start to panic. She’d begin calling repeatedly and even went so far as to call Carlos and my other direct reports to see if I was okay. Even when I managed to text her that I was fine, I just needed some alone time at the end of a demanding day, she continued to pressure me. Finally, I’d end up turning my phone off to sleep, figuring I’d deal with her wrath in the morning. Which, invariably, I did.
I suppose my first clue that our marriage was on the rocks should have been that she’d stopped doing that. In fact, she’d stopped calling every day. The thing was, I was so busy at work I didn’t even notice we were losing touch with each other.
After several hours of tossing and turning and ruminating about my lost marriage, I decided to get up. It was 1:00 am, and it was going to be a long night and day if I didn’t manage to get some sleep. So, I tried some chamomile tea.
It didn’t work. I then tried to move on to a martini, but I was low on vermouth and didn’t want to order any up. I only had enough for about half a drink.
With my tiny martini, I walked over to the window and looked out to the sea. Ciao started doing that figure eight thing around my leg and I said, “Maybe I need to get out of here for a bit?”
But I definitely didn’t want to be going out as “the captain.” I’d had enough socializing for one evening. I just wanted to sit at the back of the bar and have a drink, unrecognized.
Every so often I’d do it. Put on civilian clothes and a hat and sneak down, pretending to be a passenger. I wasn’t supposed to, but that would only be a problem if I got caught. I’d done it two or three times in my career and had never been caught yet.
Honestly, the idea of just getting out and around people, being distracted by happy vacationers sounded perfect. I felt justified, given the fact that I was going to be picking up divorce papers in town tomorrow.
“I’m doing it,” I said to Ciao as she followed me back to my bedroom. I may be a cruise ship captain, but I am still a man.
Within minutes, I was in my “disguise.” Blue jeans, a navy blue hoodie, and white tennis shoes. I had a UCLA hat that had been given to me by a passenger. I could put that on for an added measure. Checking out my reflection in the mirror, I just looked like a regular guy.
Grabbing my key card, I opened my door a crack. I didn’t want anyone to see me leave. I didn’t think it would be a problem if certain staff members saw me, but there were hundreds of employees on this ship. I couldn’t trust all of them not to report me, so it would be better just to stay undetected.
I peered left, then right. No one was there, so I slipped out and pulled the door shut behind me and hurried to the elevator.
A couple of people walked by me, but I turned my back and pretended to be on my phone. They never even looked my way. So far, so good.
Pressing the button, I felt energized. This was fun. I felt like a spy! I figured I’d better not stand right in front of the door in case there was someone in it when the doors opened. I could let them out, keeping my head down and then duck in.
Fortunately, the elevator was empty. I pushed the button for the Lido deck where the piano bar was. Eden was the singer there, and I loved his music. The crowd would be busy looking at him and not interested in a random guy in a UCLA hat in the back of the room. Plus, Crystal was the waitress there most nights. I knew I could trust her to get me a martini and not say anything.
The energy hit me as soon as the elevator doors opened. Passengers walking by, some holding drinks, some laughing, and little children running about. I could smell cigarette smoke from the casino on the floor below and hear Eden singing from the bar. “I would walk five thousand miles…” The crowd was singing along with him and as I walked in their direction I could feel my spirits lifting. What’s the point of living on a cruise ship if you couldn’t enjoy the carefree vibe?
I couldn’t wait to feel carefree again.
9
Charlie: Madonna and Child
I did not want to be doing this, but when your best friend texts you to come help her get out of a situation in a bar, you go. I was everybody’s favorite wingman.
So, I threw on a pair of faded blue jeans and grabbed a t-shirt off the floor. It might have been Sam’s, I didn’t know. I didn’t care, either. I just wanted to get down there, rescue her from that guy, and come back to bed.
Making sure to grab my key card, I slipped on some sandals and headed out. Ten minutes later, I was in the glass elevator that would take me to the Lido deck where Sam said she was.
As soon as the doors opened, I could smell the cigarette smoke from the casino and hear a group of people singing a song with a piano player. Sam said she was at the bar, next to that guy Kevin, who wouldn’t stop ordering everyone around them drinks.
Talk about trying to buy affection!
It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The only lights were dim wall sconces and the blue and red spotlights focused on the piano player. The surrounding bar was huge and had black and white “piano keys” painted on it. Maybe when I wasn’t so tired, I’d come back.
I spied Sam at the bar next to Kevin. He looked completely different from the nerdy guy we’d seen at dinner. He’d changed and instead of the thick glasses and plaid shirt, he was wearing a solid black t-shirt, had put in some contacts, and slicked his hair back. It was as if Bill Nye the Science Guy had become Harry Styles or something.
Sam saw me and started waving crazily. I made my way through the crowd of people singing along to “New York, New York,” and walked up next to them.
“See, Kevin? I told you she’d come.” Sam had to shout in Kevin’s ear because we were so close to the speaker.
Kevin jumped off his barstool and pulled it out for me. I really didn’t want to sit down, but figured the best way to get out of there was to talk to the guy for a bit and then take our leave.
“Hi again,” he shouted in my direction. “I’m glad you came.” Kevin motioned to the waitress who brought me one of those blue concoctions I’d seen everyone drinking earlier. I tried to shake my head no, but Sam leaned over and said, “Don’t even try to refuse. It’ll only make him try harder.”
God. How I hated pushy people.
I smiled weakly and took a sip and tried to figure out how to get us out of there. Sam leaned over and said, in my ear, “Thank you so much for coming, Charlie. He just kept going on and on about how pretty you are and asking what it was like being your best friend.”
Taking another sip of the blue drink, I had to admit that the thing was pretty tasty. And it wasn’t nearly as strong as I’d thought it would be. They probably go light on the alcohol in these things to save money.
“It’s okay, Sam. Remember the time you did the same thing for me when Johnny Watson wouldn’t leave me alone in the 8th grade?”
Just then, the singing crescendoed, and the music
stopped. The piano player announced that he was taking a break between shows, and there would be an hour or so of karaoke before his second show.
I was expecting the lights to come up, but instead the cruise director, Elizabeth came up on a stage on the opposite side of the room. There was a spotlight directly on her, and she said, “Okay, first, let’s have a big round of applause for Eden, our amazing piano singer.”
Everyone whooped and hollered, including me. Despite my hesitation, I was having a little bit of fun. I finished the blue drink, and this time when another one was set down in front of me I didn’t refuse it.
Elizabeth continued. “If you signed up to sing, I’m going to start calling names. But, to make it fair, and FUN, I’m going to call them at random instead of in order. If you haven’t signed up, there’s still time!” She was waving the clipboard around and set it on a table next to the stage.
“First up… Leah and Cam from Pasadena are going to be singing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
As the first strains of Queen began to play, I took a second to look around the room more closely. Everyone was smiling and drinking and having fun. I was rather enjoying this blue drink and really didn’t seem to be feeling any effects of it. Probably because it was watered down.
That guy Kevin came back and was asking questions about the publishing industry and YouTube stuff. Sam mouthed the words “Thank you,” to me, as he’d pretty much forgotten about her.
A few other singers had gotten up and performed and it was cool how they were terrible singers and no one really cared. It was more about having fun.
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